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So a fish is swimming along in the lake and spots a tasty worm just hanging there. He looks at it and thinks, "I could eat that worm but I bet there's a hook in it." All his friends on FishBusting.com say "Don't eat the worm, there's a hook in it". He knows it. He eats the worm. He get's hooked and is surprised by it! WTF. Stupid fish.

Had a great MC session yesterday. Tried to level my expectations. J3B said "level you expectations". Harrier said "don't know if I'd look forward to it". I knew it. Session went as good as it possibly could have. Today [censored] a$$. I'm still in this G-D apartment and haven't moved home yet. What did I expect? That we'd go from the counselor's office straight to the moving truck rental place? Geezz. I've got to get my head of out my rear.

Two really good, great even, things today. I should be on cloud 9, instead of hating this f-ing apartment I call home.

First, I saw W this AM and mentioned that I needed to drop something off at the house today. A bit later, she sends me a text asking me to wait until they are out so it doesn't confuse the kids. I reply ok. A few minutes later I get this: "I hope I didn't hurt your feelings, my urge is to have you here more, too. I just want to do what's best for the kids @ this time. ily" I reply that I understand. Wow. She wants me there, she's telling me she wants me there, just being cautious for the sake of the kids. I get that. This is WAY more then she's said to me anytime soon. She's told me she loves me, but not that she wants me there. In fact, last time it came up she clearly did not want me there. This is great.

Four hours go by.

I'm out doing my thing, no contact with W. Out of the blue, I get a TM: "I love you" (Spelled out, not abbreviated as is her norm). Holy cow. I reply "Not as much as I love you" (This is an old joke from days gone by). Her "Well well, not so sure about that". Couple more texts.

Signs are all pointing to the place I want to go. I have GOT to learn patience. If you'd told me 6 weeks ago this is what would be going on 6 weeks later, I'd have called you a fool. In 6 short weeks, I've gone from there to here and I want more. I need to just be happy thinking about that and not all the way there yet.


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
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My W told me last night that she doesn't like some new shoes I bought.

That's fantastic! Why? Well, in the old days she always helped me with this type of thing. During the bad times, it all stopped. In fact, once a couple of months ago I commented to her how I liked a new shirt she had on and she flew off the handle because she didn't want me "eye-ing" her. That one was weird and ugly. Really glad that kind of crap has stopped.

Anyway, it's just one more sign to me that she's slowing re-engaging and re-connecting. I'll take it for what it's worth, but nice none-the-less and it helps to see the small signs along the way.


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
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As happy as I was on on Sunday, that's how sad I am right now.

2 Changes. Since the weekend, W's mood has noticeably gone to crap. She's back to being the sad, angry, moody person she was before piecing started.

And second, kids are with the grandparents tonight. Earlier today, I TM W "I'm done around 5, have a drink with me tonight? My treat. ILY"

I get back: "Hey, thank you for the offer, but I am not ready for that. I don't think it's fair not to be honest. ily"

I just reply "ok, ily"

That was over 5 hours ago and no contact since. That in and of itself is odd, because we've been communicating so much more. I see now that it was really all about the kids. If I had them, she'd call me; if she had them, I'd call her. Today, they are at her parents and we both call them, but not each other. I had deluded myself into thinking she was contacting me. Now I realize just how wrong I was.

I am completely deflated. I honestly don't know if I have the fortitude to get through this process. I knew we weren't "there" yet, but I can't deal with this limbo any more. I just don't know how to do this. I want off this roller coaster and the only way I know how to get off of it is to just give up and move on. I don't want that at all, but on days like today that seems better than staying on it.

My only positive thought on all of this is maybe she's processing MC from Friday. She's always taken a few days to process stuff and the Doc described her anger as a mask for her pain. Maybe in order to process the pain, she has to go back through the anger in the other direction. I don't know, I'm not p-shrink, but maybe.


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
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Joined: Oct 2010
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I watched a show recently on Navy SEAL training. In it, they describe the only way they get through Hell Week is to focus only on the task at hand - this minute, not the whole week. If you think about the whole week, you quit. If you think about this task, then the next task, then the one after that; you make it.

Guess I need to take a page out of that book. Hell Week (Year) is the right name, for sure.


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
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Must be something in the air. last night my W was in a "funk," "really tired," and hated what her life had become. You think I said anything.

I have use the one-mile-at-a-time approach to running.

I'm curious X, what else are you doing with your "free" time now. Is there anything you can do to take some of the focus on your and your M?

Sorry the invite didn't go well. At least she was honest, so that is something. I hope your MC will help steer you both in that direction (or at least your W). I mean at some point you will have to start hanging out w/o kids.

You are just moving very, very slow. But you are moving forward. You do have the strength X. I know you do.

I used to do something that helped me a lot. On my phone, on the note section. I had something I called "Progress report." I used to write down any postive that happened in our M no matter how small, it was like 2-5 a day. Stuff like "Called me and was friendly" "Said I looked nice." etc.

I was promptly blasted for this by the DBers, but it gave me something concrete too look at. Honestly, I didn't really go back and read it, but the act of writing something positive was positive.

food for thought.


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
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You're not a DBer Harrier?

IF I was one of the ones that blasted you, I want to apologize.
I'm pretty sure if I did then I didn't give you a good reason why I don't think its a good idea.

Because too much is read into babysteps.

And 'babysteps' are not good indicators. The rug tends to get pulled out from under the people who put too much stock into them.

I actually do not like babysteps. ; )

Not in your case, I recall a situation where the LBSer was so excited that her husband smiled at her, called it a babystep and was convinced that he was going to be coming home from it.

With that being said, screw me or anyone who tells you not to do something something that 1st off is not harmful to DB ideas and reconciliation, and 2nd keep doing it.

The idea that you're not a DBer is a bit unsettling, like your apart in this. I know alot of us here are floatsom and jetsom...but sometimes with a wreck its what can keep you afloat.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Jack - I need some specific advice.

Here's the sitch. Last Nov when I moved home from our first sep, I was so excited and happy. Then W wouldn't spend time with me. I'd make dates, she'd cancel them. I came to the conclusion that she wasn't trying and long story short, moved out again 6 months later.

Now, we're "trying" again and last night I asked W to have a drink with me. She refused. All those feelings are back. I'm convinced that she's not committed again and my mental attitude is in the total toilet. My thoughts are around quitting (I bomb her before she can bomb me, again!) and I know it's the same script over again. W "says" all the right things, but she won't spend time with me. It's the same deal with the MC, she "said" she'd schedule, didn't. Her words are spot on, he actions tell a different story.

Now, here's my specific question: Do I tell her all of this? Do I say to her, "look here's how I felt last November, and now here's how I feel again. I want to believe that you're committed to this process, but I also need to see it in your actions; otherwise it makes me feel like it's just words."

I vacillate between that seeming needy (which it probably is) and it just being me putting my feelings out there. The way I feel right now I'm afraid I'll give up.

Right after the bomb, W told me about how hard she had been trying for how long and how I didn't notice and how she just had no more to give. I didn't understand her at all. Now, that's EXACTLY how I feel and I understand how she could just say F it, because that's what I want to do now.

Help please! I love my wife; I want to be with her; I want to believe her commitment to this process; right now I don't really believe it; I don't know what to do.

This has gotten so much worse after MC started. There was this initial elation and then all the feelings (pain, anger, frustration) that I had tucked away are back and back with a vengeance. I also have to think that maybe if MC is doing this to me, it's doing something similar to her.


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
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X,

You are BOTH piecing right?

She has said that she wants to work on being married again?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
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Yes. And keeps saying "she's committed"


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
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Quote:

Do I tell her all of this? Do I say to her, "look here's how I felt last November, and now here's how I feel again. I want to believe that you're committed to this process, but I also need to see it in your actions; otherwise it makes me feel like it's just words."


Yes.

The HOW is important. Nicely? yeah but without a shred of doubt that it is that important to you. Give and take, if she says she has been showing evalutate it. Likely she has, but not enough for you. Compromise.

Quote:

This has gotten so much worse after MC started. There was this initial elation and then all the feelings (pain, anger, frustration) that I had tucked away are back and back with a vengeance. I also have to think that maybe if MC is doing this to me, it's doing something similar to her.


It will get bad before it gets better. All that crap you buried is going to come out, either now with a therapist, or down the road in some other way.

This is the pus that must come out in order for the wound to be healed.

You're poking around in the past, and that pain you're feeling is from the past. Unlike physical pain which we cannot (thank God) remember in detail beyond: That suckked, mental pain can linger in the memory.

It is in the past...and she is NOT doing that to you right now.

When Piecing, you HAVE to R talk, communicate AND set expectations. You are both aiming for the same goal and you both need to be compassionate toward the other and be willing to give...and to take.

You, yourself? You have to stifle those doubts, do your best to kill them on your own, and if unable to? Then talk with her about them.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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