really? no... reaaalllyy...?

[~ kd ~]

Last topic was here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2178649&page=1

[~ kd ~]

O M F G !!!!

OK, really... My W sends me an email a couple hours ago...

AGAIN... to recap... W wants me and my family to go to her place for a b-day party for D8...

My plan is have a b-day supper and gifts with my family when she's with me mid next week...

My W has stated last Sunday that her family and "friends" all think I'm trying to scr3w her in the D... I don't have that luxury, even if I wanted to...

So my W wants to put me and my family in a room together with a group of people who think I'm trying to scr3W her...

Last Sunday, I mentioned if she thought that would be a good idea... and she basically admitted it would probably not go over well... and won't be extending the invite...

Her email (as always interspersed in "other stuff"):

"I did end up passing an email to your family about D8's birthday on Sunday. I want you to know that we will be having a BBQ any time after 4:00 and the door is open .... Whether you walk through it or not is up to you. For what it's worth, my family would never make you feel uncomfortable, as this is about D8."

I am at a complete loss as to what to say to this woman. The only thing that I can think is going on here is D8 has told my W that she wants my family there. The conundrum is, Sunday is her actual b-day...

I guess I'm pretty much trying to figure out how to tell her that I already have plans for D8's b-day. What my family does will be up to them. And I will call D8 earlier in the day to wish her a happy b-day...

Any suggestions?

[♪CS♪]

Well KD...

I guess what I have are questions.

What does your family want to do?

What is your motivation for going/not going?

Which, going/not going do you feel will push you closer to your goal?

BTW, here email is very reasonable and well written.

I understand the feeling of having a problem with "faking" the family thing.

But....

The only thing that I can think is going on here is D8 has told my W that she wants my family there. The conundrum is, Sunday is her actual b-day...

Have you asked D8 what she wants?

[Endeavour]

Your W is a hoot.

Given the circumstances and what she said about how her family thinks you're trying to scr3w her in the D, does she actually think they can now all control THE obvious tension in the air, just for your D8?

Good grief. And highly unlikely.

Even reading about it makes me anxious.

I'm still new to this so not sure how great my advice is BUT I would thank her very much for the invitation and agree that it is definitely all about your D8. Therefore, you want to make sure her party goes off without a hitch and since kids are very perceptive, even if everyone was on their best birthday party behaviour, that the underlying feelings of discomfort would still be there. And of course it would be in your D8's best interest to avoid all that stress.

Or make it simple and tell her you're just not ready for them all to be in the same room and that you will make sure D8 has a great time with your family at your celebration. What kid wouldn't want two parties? That's definitely making it all about her.

Good luck. These are the kind of situations that fill me with dread about D. Ugh.

[MrBond]

Thank your wife for the invite and again mention that it is your family's decision on whether to go or not, and that they can't be blamed for feeling uncomfortable after what was said.

A little truth in there would be good.

[jbnati]

I guess I'm thinking, "Thanks for the invite, but I have plans so I'll have to pass." In addition, it's your family's decision whether to go or not.

[LearningPatience]

All good advice to KD, but I want to back up a bit to what his W is claiming:

My W has stated last Sunday that her family and "friends" all think I'm trying to scr3w her in the D

Now, one of the first things we hear on joining our little club (besides not talking about Fight Club, er...) is to believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

KD, is is just your W saying this, or do you have reason to believe this is true besides her words? If you are relying solely on her words to describe how her family feels, is that wise at this point? It's possible that W is projecting her feelings onto what she wants her family to say?

If it's just her projections, then the answer may be different than if her family truly hates you with the intensity of a 1000 suns.

This may be an important distinction. Or it could just be me.

[2stepboogie]

Does it matter if what his W is saying is accurate or not?

I don't think so.

You are in the middle of a D, both families know both families have taken sides it is what families do.

Will it distract from the overall event? I think so.

Since she is leaving the door open and it is your choice to walk through it or not then I would choose not to.

It adds no value to your healing and even though our sentimental brain or our fear will want us to go in the end the emotional damage that will be caused to you will not be worth it.

I have a D as you know KM and they are smarter than we think.

In the end the decision will be yours of course but if it were me, I would see no reason to go, as for your family. They are grown ups and can make up their own minds.

At this point there are only a few questions you should be asking yourself

1. Does going affect me or help me?

2. Can my D's needs be met even if I don't attend?

3. Will going get me closer to where I want and need to be?

Answer those and you'll know what to do

[OnMyWay]

Well, KD, I like where your head is at. If you've come to your decision, then good for you. At least you are nearing the end of your limbo.

A couple of things:

First, the flip-side to the b-day debate. In MHO, I'd consider "attempting" to be a bigger man and make an appearance at my D8's b-day party. I'd do it for her. I'd keep it brief. I'd stand tall and proud against any perceived scrutiny of W's family. If they think you are scr3wing ur W, that's their opinion and they are entitled to it - not ur problem and no explanation is necessary, as it's a matter between u & ur W. After you leave, they can all discuss it ad nauseum behind ur back, like a bunch old hens. However, if D8 wants you there, then making an appearance would simply be for her benefit only - naysayers be damned. Plus, you get to have the party again on your own terms without ur W next week - double bonus.

Second, I just had a big D conversation with my W last night, I laid out for her what my D plan would be, should we go ahead and dissolve our M. Not sure it will apply to ur sitch, but will throw it out there for consideration. My plan would be to do whatever was the quickest, cheapest, easiest solution to get it over with. When I step back and look at the big picture, I realize what my W wants is to live life on her own - Independence. What I want is to not be burdened by the court system and be pigeon-holed into some obligatory judicial ruling - Freedom. In reality, independence and freedom go together: in other words, we both want the same thing. As Nevada is a 50/50 state, letting the court figure it out would not meet either of our criteria or give us what we both want. A friend of mine told me just to give one of us custody and get it over with as clean as possible, then we can do what we want after without obligations to the court. Turns out, my W realized a D is a double-edged sword and is actually worried if she takes child support from me, then gets a good job after graduation, I could take a lesser job and turn it around to where she has to pay me, which is true enough. In our switch, the D process doesn't work for either of us. Also turns out, she's kind of sort of wanting to come back, so it looks like my limbo will continue on, while yours looks to be ending sooner, rather than later.

Anyway, I just wanted to show my support. Doing what's best for your family shall always trump everything else. I'm not sure, though, that not showing up will be best, as it will just give W another reason to chastise you in front of everyone else and add fuel to the flames. If she's asked you to be there, then I'd consider going for the simple reason of showing that I am a man who can truly put aside anything for the benefit of my children. All you have to do is show up. You don't have to stay. Ur D8 will know how important she is that you made the effort for her, in spite of all that's going on in ur M.

My best to you,

OMW

[KenF]

This is a really tough call.

"My W has stated last Sunday that her family and "friends" all think I'm trying to scr3w her in the D"

if you havent done anything to give them this impression, then its either their mistaken opinion, or she has given them this impression.

so on the one hand she benefits from them thinking this way, by garnering sympathy and support and using it control your emotions. then when it works against her, she blames you for it.

here is what happened to me, use this as a warning or a lesson. my d's 3rd bday was 2 months after x moved out, as with all pryer years all friends and family were invited. what i didn't know, but expected, was that she had invited OM. everyone was uncomfortable, many were outright angry. tension was everywhere. everyone put on their best face but i'd guess no one really had a good time. and i had a terrible time. my d didn't notice being only 3. the next year x asked again and without hesitation i said i was having my own party, and it was much easier, less stressful, and everyone had a good time.

and on her actual bday, the 2 of us always take out d to dinner at her favorite restaurant.

so as everyone else has said, it all comes down to whether it hurts or helps your d8s bday. you'll need to limit your decision to her, and let the adults deal with their own issues.

if your d8 is ok with having separate parties, then in my opinion, theres your answer.