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#2175802 - 08/09/11 12:30 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
I have a friend at work. I'll call him Sam. Sam is going through this same stuff as we are (only he's DONE and ok with it all) and on the verge of moving out of his house.

I get a TM from W at 10:30 last night: "Do you think Sam would like a furnished apartment? ily"

Nice nice nice. She still never commits (i.e. "why don't you let Sam have it and come home"), but the signs that she's thinking that way are all there. In fact, when I say that he'd like the furniture for sure, she moves to another topic and I don't press.

Now here's my newest worry....I have about 6 conditions before I can move home. The first was that W has to really want me there. I think we're getting close on that one. I have not shared my conditions with W. So someday soon I expect the conversation to go something like this:

W: I'm ready for you to come home.
Me:I'd like that a lot, and I need to see where you are regarding a few items first. They are.....

I just hope she doesn't take that as a bait and switch since she's keenly aware that I want to come home...
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2175882 - 08/09/11 04:54 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
X,

Suggest learning 'we' language.

Quote:

Me:I'd like that a lot, and I need to see where you are regarding a few items first. They are.....


..you don't sound controlling there at all.

Now, I'm not sure you'd actually come across like that, but if you were planning on it, a little less on the 'heavy'.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#2175951 - 08/09/11 07:29 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Agreed. Makes sense. Thanks!
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2177846 - 08/14/11 06:39 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Some updates....

First, yesterday W and I are sitting at McDonalds (romantic, huh?) watching the kids play on the playground. Having a good chat. W again mentions my work friend that is getting a D and about to move out. I say to her "I'm not sure if the timing will work or not, but I'm happy to mention the furniture to him, if you'd like". She says "when's he moving out?" I reply "Labor Day weekend, about 3 weeks". She nods, but doesn't really respond; I can see in her eyes that she's thinking. Didn't say "oh no way, that's much too soon". So....And one thing I know for sure about W is that she's a ponder-er. Wouldn't surprise me if this comes up again in 2 or 3 days.

Second, yesterday I did a very small, random act of kindness. W texted me, "that was very thoughtful of you, ily". That would be no big deal except that I've been making it a point to be more thoughtful like this for nearly a year now (since bomb-day) and this is the FIRST time she's ever said anything like that back.

I continue to feel like we're on the verge of greatness coming back. It's sorta like a pot of almost boiling water - you can see the bubbles on the bottom and just know that any minute the water will break into a rolling boil. But as they say, a watched pot never boils; so back to GALing, chilling, doing what works and...not watching the pot.




Harrier, I hope you're doing well, man.




Newcomers, if any of you are here, please know that what everybody tells you about time and patience is true. It's more true than you know. If you are thinking in hours, days, or weeks, then start thinking in months. I'm more convinced then ever that the minimum this process can take is 12 months. I'm sure some are less, but not by much. This can work and it will take time.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2178007 - 08/15/11 10:58 AM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
OneLessWife Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 133
X I have followed you from the beginning. I wish I was as patient as yolu have been. I have always been a fixer and now I can't fix this. I have backslid so many times you can't count. It seems though day by day goes by and it somehow feels like life will go on after the D. However with that being said everytime I go several days without seeing or talking to my W, the minute I see her I fall to pieces. How can someone not see the change in a person after a year. I think you are right about months instead of minutes, hours or days. WAS's are on there own timeline and we have to get used to it. Anyway good luck to you and be patient, maybe this friend getting a D will help your sich. I think you said he was ok with it and ready to move on. Good luck my friend.
Scott
_________________________
M 52
W 54
T 25
M 23
D23,D21,D19,D16,D14
Bomb dropped May/10
Moved out July/10
OM discovered July/10
W let's OM move in 02/11
I filed for the big D on 072111
Divorce Final October 20,2011

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#2178397 - 08/16/11 03:38 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: OneLessWife]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Interesting TM conversation with W last night...

She starts with "Sorry, I have been so sad for so long. I am emotionally tired. ILY"

During it she says things like "I'm afraid these changes won't last", "Some of these changes are so contrary to how you've been", "I believe you. If changes don't persist, it will be so painful".

I did my very best to validate her fears ("your fears are understandable"), and also re-assure her that the changes in me are not temporary.

It ends with "I am willing and I will stay the course. Our marriage must evolve. ily"

Very difficult conversation for me. Not heated or tense at all, just painful and difficult. I know I can't read her mind, but I think she must be going through the process of wanting to believe, and being afraid to believe. I have to think this is a normal step.

Has anyone ever mentioned that piecing is not easy? Since piecing started my physical anxiety symptoms are back - I have constant tingle in my arms that really [censored] and my heart races. I didn't miss those when they were gone.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2178411 - 08/16/11 03:50 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
Are you doing anything that makes her doubt the changes?

And it's hard? Crud, I thought it was all peaches and puppies. : )

It

gets

easier.

IF

your

changes

are real.

Practice, like dancing a tango, running for distance, paiting with oils...
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


Top
#2178413 - 08/16/11 03:51 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
My changes are real and consistent.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2178464 - 08/16/11 05:39 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
TM exchange with W today...

Me: I love you. I can't make you happy, but I sure can try hard to never make you sad again.

Her: Thank you for the sentiment. I am sure you will make me happy, again. I am just down. ily

Me: I sure hope so. Sorry you're down. ily

I guess we continue to move forward...slowly.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2178479 - 08/16/11 06:07 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
lifejustgothard2 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/11
Posts: 450
happy for you.

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Moderator:  Jack_Three_Beans, Virginia 

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