I'm not sure where to start this. I guess I'll start with some history and try to fill in the gaps later. Hopefully it will make sense.
My wife and I have been married for 12 years this September. We met when we were sixteen and married at 20. We've had our share of problems throughout the years. At one point, I had a medical issue and could not work for a year. Two years later I had a relapse and was unemployed for another year. I'll go into a little more detail about job stuff later.
Ever since I met my wife, her mom has hated me. In the 15 years that I've known her I have confronted her two times...once before we got married because she was trying to sabotage the wedding, and another about a year ago because she was making things really hard on my wife by using guilt to get my wife to do what she wanted. The MIL has been a HUGE source of discord in our marriage. My wife would do whatever it was that her mom wanted and put me on the back burner. Her mom would put her on such a guilt trip to the point my wife would have panic attacks because she wanted to be with me, but her mom never let up. Let me stop right here to say that I am not going to bash my wife. She was a great woman and mom. I'm just explaining my side of things, and of course, there's two sides to every story.
Back to the topic at hand... Two years ago we had our second child. After her birth my wife started struggling with depression and anxiety. About the same time her mom moved into town. It was HORRIBLE. I'm an introvert and people drain me. Her mom would come over and spend the weekend at our place...15 weeks in a row. By this time I just couldn't take anymore...and of course a fight pursued which seems to be a cycle with us.
We have always had the typical marriage problems...money, in-laws, low libido (wife), high libido (me), etc. We have also had some other curve balls thrown our way. As I mentioned earlier I had a medical issue that kept me out of work for a couple years. We had a child during this time and my wife had to take care of both our daughter and I. I did work and was able to take care of our daughter between relapses. I worked hard to get better. After the relapse I started working for a country music artist and toured around the country. Although I worked for the artist, I was a contract-for-hire employee, in other words self-employed. Right before Christmas 2009, I received a call from said music artist informing me that they will not longer be touring but recording a new album instead. All of the crew that toured with the artist had their contracts terminated. Not really the best news to get. I struggled for a couple months because it was during the time of year that most bands do not tour.
Sadly, there was a flood that destroyed a big chunk of Nashville (where I reside), but it really hit the touring community hard because the building that stored most touring artist's gear is located right next to the river. So millions and millions of dollars worth of equipment was sitting under water for days. This catastrophe ended up giving me a ton of work because the artist I used to work for called me to help clean and fix the equipment. I then ran into an old associate of mine that needed help and went to work for him. I started doing shows with him and things were looking up. The company was right on the edge of making it big. Work was inconsistent which was a price that I was willing to pay because the company is up and coming.
Understandably, it got to the point where I wasn't making anything. My mom helped us out financially because she too thought that the company was going to flourish soon. Well, it didn't. About two months ago my wife told me that I needed to pick between my career or her. That's a no-brainer. My answer was her. The thing is that I spent ten years (minus the medical issues) pursuing this career. I'm good at it, but it's hard to make it here because of all the competition. Now, I'm in a position where I have to change careers. I've been making resumes and cover letters drawing parallels between my experience and what employers are looking for. I consistently research and evaluate what is working and what is not...from there I make the appropriate changes and keep plugging away looking for work. As anyone in my position can tell you, it's difficult to switch careers, it takes time. No excuses...it just takes time.
I understand her need for security...but whenever things get rough she threatens to leave. Even when I was on the tail end of my recovery, the second time around, she would stress out and threaten to leave.
I've had two girlfriends my entire life and my wife was the second. I don't know anything else but her. I love her deeply and was scared she would leave, so, I caved into all of her demands....especially when I was ill. However, as I started getting better, I would begin to challenge some of the things that I felt was unfair...but I would eventually cave in the more she threatened.
As I mentioned before, my wife struggles with anxiety. One of the things that helps her is to drive around or go hang out with friends. There is this one lady, who is married, that started sending my wife cards telling her how much she loves her, etc. Everyone that has met the lady tells my wife that she appears to have a crush on her. Which my wife has blown it off. The last couple months my wife has been hanging out at this ladies house until 2 in the morning...a lot. If she wasn't at her house the lady was at ours. If they weren't together they would talk on the phone until two or three in the morning. Now when my wife drives around she would disappear for hours...sometimes not answering her phone. Two weeks ago, I was updating the applications on her smartphone (I'm the technical one). When I turned the phone on the text message app was open and I noticed some texts from that lady saying things like, "I'm at a coffee shop and I want you here with me, right now. XOXOXOX". There were quite a few messages saying that she loves my wife, followed by the XOXOXO stuff. I don't really think that's normal.
So, let's summarize things: my wife is gone for long periods of time without answering her phone, she stays at that ladies house or talks on the phone to her into the wee hours of the morning. I didn't mention that she suddenly quit having sex with me. On top of that, this lady is buying her shoes and stuff. Does anyone else think that maybe there's something going on between her and the lady? Well, I certainly do. Adults don't act like that.
Sometimes she will take our kids over to her house and stay until 1 or 2 in the morning. My daughter HATES the other ladies son. She comes home and gripes about it to me. She tells me how her mom is always on the phone. She won't say anything to her mom because she doesn't want to hurt her feelings. So, I do say something and my wife thinks that I am trying to control her and trying to "straighten her out". Now I will admit that I have been on her butt alot because of this and the fact that she spends money we don't have. On more than one occasion I have told her we have this amount of money, but a certain chunk of it has to go towards a bill....she'll spend most if not all of it. Then we will be negative and she'll still withdrawal money putting us with hundreds of dollars in insufficient funds fees.
My God, I'm babbling. Sorry. After seeing the text messages the lady was sending her I straight up asked my wife if there's something going on. Which she blew it off and laughed. Later that night she told me she wants a divorce. This was 10 days ago. I'm manipulative, constantly stressed, frustrated and I'm trying to control her. She said that I've always said that she was going to leave me someday or she's cheating and she's had enough. I'm not asking anyone to take sides here, but I think I probably had a good reason thinking these things.
So here we are. I read a thing about the Divorce Busting book and I have been following the principals. My wife has since got an apartment, but it's not ready so she is still staying in the house. We have agreed not to get lawyers involved and we will do what's best for the kids with joint custody and all that stuff. However, I received a phone call yesterday from Discover card saying that someone has sent in an application for a card in my name and wanted to confirm some information as it appeared suspicious. I never applied for one. A couple months ago I had someone get my debit card info and they bought a lot of stuff on it. Thinking this was happening again I asked the Discover rep what I should do, which he said he would file a report with the police and go from there. I called the police and they said someone would call me back to file the report. I had an idea that maybe my wife was the one who did it. She's been staying with her mom a lot....which her mom did the very same thing to her husband when they divorced. So I called and confronted her with it. Which she told me that she did put in an application, but she put my name down along with hers so I could have a card too. Later that day she logged onto ticketmaster, with my name and password and ended up (I believe unintentionally) purchasing the tix with my mom's card (both my mom and MIL are named Brenda, so I can see how that could happen). Obviously, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.
So I have been doing what the DB book has said. I've let her have her space. I've started dressing nice everyday. I've been shaving everyday and wearing cologne...which isn't like me. I won't discuss the marriage because she had made up her mind. There's no point. Although I'm hurting I have been acting happy, and strangely enough, I have been happy the last couple of days. I've also been watching the kids a lot more (which she ends up going to her friends all the time now....she's there right now). When I'm with the kids I have been playing with them a lot more and taking them swimming, on walks, etc. When dealing with the CC situation, I told her to never use my name again. I did not file a police report, but I did freeze my credit so any inquiries will be met with a phone call to me. I explained to her that there is not any more stuff that is ours, so she needs to quit using my login info and re-register under her name.
She has always got whatever she wanted. Even when I was not able to work, she did not have to work full time. My mom paid for the majority of everything. Even now, she works part time and uses her money to pay for gas and cigarettes or whatever else she needs. She's been telling my lately about how it's unfair she has to get a full time job, which means she will not have as much time with the kids and when she does have time she'll be tired. I told her she was doing it to herself and that with alimony and child support I may have to work two jobs. Deal with it. Then later that day she told me she was going back to school. I'm already registered for school, but decided not to go this semester so that I could be home more and help the kids through this transition. I want them to feel whatever stability I can provide.
Here's what I have noticed. She seems to be angry lately. She will text me, and I will not respond unless necessary. She's asked me a couple times why I never texted her back. She's constantly frustrated around me. I will intentionally ignore her phone calls and she will literally hand up and call right back the second my voicemail picks up. Tonight, she took most of my laundry to her friends house (our washer is busted) to wash them. She's done laundry three or four times since she dropped the bomb and this is the first time she touched anything of mine. I don't really talk to her that much anymore...I try to be courteous, but she's been crabby lately so I've stopped talking much at all. If the conversation starts going toward the marriage, I will stop it and tell her that it's pointless to talk about because she's made her decision. I got my daughter a cell phone last night so she could call her mom or I whenever she wants to. I'm hoping this will help her cope a bit better with the split. I was looking at my daughter and she was elated. My wife looked at me and said, "what's with the smirk on your face, what, you think you're better than me?" Which I replied that I was smiling because our daughter was excited. I then told her that I can't win for losing with her.
Anyhoo, I don't know if this is working. She's doing weird things like my laundry or some little gesture of niceness. But she is still never home, she's crabby now and is downright mean sometimes. The one thing I have realized is that I don't want her back if she's not willing to work at anything. She's already stated that she can't deal with it anymore. She doesn't want the responsibility of being a wife. She refuses marriage counseling. She is just done. But I'm confused with her little gestures and change in behavior.
In closing, I do realize how the way I have approached things has come across as if I was being hard on her. I have tried to fix things because I sensed I was losing her and my issues with her never being home. The more it didn't work, the harder I pushed. Point being, is that my actions has had an effect on how she responds and acts. I own up to everything that I've done wrong. I'm not innocent. On the other hand, we are both just as guilty in this situation. In hindsight do I feel like I've been walked on? Yes? Does she appear to be doing shady stuff? yes. But that's not my problem, I got to worry about me.
So any suggestions? Advice? Comments?
P.S. I am not trying to make my wife look bad in any way. If it came off that way then I apologize. I am doing my best to not make her look bad in this thing. She's the mother of my kids and still deserves respect. The kids need to look at her as if she's an all star and nothing less.
Apparently she's noticing. She's been telling our friend that "he's too late making these changes". What strikes me as funny, is that I haven't changed all that much. I've been this way for a long time. She's just hasn't been around to see it. She's convinced herself that I couldn't live without her and that she was my only source of happiness. What I'm realizing now, is that I'm not fearful anymore. She's always threatened to leave and I've been walking on egg shells for the last couple years. Once my worst fears came true, and she finally left, I feel like I can breathe again. I don't feel so suppressed anymore. I don't feel like I have this eye staring at me and judging my every move I make, every second, of every day. I feel free.
I'm not gonna say that I haven't made any changes at all. There's been plenty things that I have done wrong. I've been working on those changes diligently because I find I am happier doing these things. It feels good. I have stepped it up a few notches with the fatherhood thing. Not that I've been a bad dad. I just want to make sure my daughters feel some sort of stability during this transition. I have been playing with them more, taking them swimming, etc. It keeps my mind occupied as well as theirs. I figure if they see that daddy is okay, then maybe it's not as bad as it seems. I'm enjoying this extra time with them. It's fun and I don't want that to change.
Is it weird that I feel more peaceful then I have in years? This is probably the worst thing I have ever dealt with, and I hurt, but I feel like there's this underlying sense of happiness that I've never experienced before. I'm just making her sound awful. The truth is she's not the same person she was six months ago. A couple of her friends have noticed she's changed a lot since she started taking Adderall. I'm not trying to make excuses or justify myself. I know what I have done and I own up to all of it. Maybe if I wouldn't have cowered down every time she threatened to leave, but instead stood up and been who I really am, we wouldn't be in this mess.
I'm beginning to think that I'm better off without her. The thing is that I still love her. I don't like the person who she has become. Maybe it has something to do with the medicine. Maybe she needs to figure out who she really is. I don't know. It's not my problem at this point...but, I do pray that her and I will make the changes we need to make and get back together. I want this to work. Most of all I just want her to be happy...with our without me. I can't worry about that now. I have to focus on myself and what changes I need to make. No matter what happens, I like me.
Well of course, being a country music fan I am curious as to who you were touring with, but I respect your privacy.
I don't think anything you posted made it sound like you were "bashing" your W. You are simply telling the story from your perspective, and you know as well as anyone that you are also at fault.
I don't think it's weird at all that you are feeling peace, despite all the chaos. That's what DB'ing is about. We hope to save our M's but the main goal is for us to become better people, and in your case it sounds like it's working.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Not much time here so I will just say a couple of quick things,
You are doing pretty good from what you have posted.
And when i say you have done good I mean that YOU are doing good for you.......You sound pretty detached and in control.
I am glad you are concerned about not bashing your wife.......that shows that your actions are driven by love and not jealousy, hurt, spite, anger or any of those other very normal emotions. Good job!!!!
You are looking for reasons why your wife might have changed all of a sudden and while what I am about to suggest may better explain it.........the reason does not change your course of action.
It sounds on the surface that your W is in a Mid Life Crisis. There are many resources in the MLC forum and you should read around down there and see if anything strikes a chord.
If it is MLC....your actions and words or no different, however it is a different beast all-together, it is ugly and lasts alot longer.
You know your wife best. You make the call, you will find that the support there can be very helpful.
Hope this helps.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I'm not too sure....I'm not allowed to go to any of her psychiatrist appointments. Last thing I heard is that she has OCD and genral anxiety disorder. Her doctor wants to change her medicine again (i'm not sure which one, she takes four or five different types), but she is against it.
I was in therapy and my psychiatrist asked me if my wife and kids could come with me so she could get their perspective and see how we interact. I've been with her to a psych appointment once because I wanted to tell him what I've noticed. Frankly, he was an a-hole. He'd cut me off and talk down to me like I'm an idiot. All I wanted to tell him is that my wife was doing crazy things like taking up smoking while pregnant. Did I mention she also smoked pot while pregnant too? The pot made her feel horrible and she didn't do it again, but I would think that this would be something the psych would like to know. Instead he treated me like I was a jerk because I asked my wife not to hang out with the people that gave her the cigarettes and pot anymore. Apparently I was being controlling...did anyone think that the baby she was carrying was my baby too? Am I not allowed to have a say in what is going on? He's always thrown me under the bus...of course he is only going by her story...but that is why I think that I should at least get to say a thing or two....just like I had my wife come in to many of my sessions. Sorry....venting.
I feel horrible telling you these things...I've hid it from everyone else. I didn't want people to judge her.
Not much time here so I will just say a couple of quick things,
You are doing pretty good from what you have posted.
And when i say you have done good I mean that YOU are doing good for you.......You sound pretty detached and in control.
I am glad you are concerned about not bashing your wife.......that shows that your actions are driven by love and not jealousy, hurt, spite, anger or any of those other very normal emotions. Good job!!!!
You are looking for reasons why your wife might have changed all of a sudden and while what I am about to suggest may better explain it.........the reason does not change your course of action.
It sounds on the surface that your W is in a Mid Life Crisis. There are many resources in the MLC forum and you should read around down there and see if anything strikes a chord.
If it is MLC....your actions and words or no different, however it is a different beast all-together, it is ugly and lasts alot longer.
You know your wife best. You make the call, you will find that the support there can be very helpful.
Hope this helps.
Cheers
That does help. Thanks for the encouragement. I've been researching the whole MLC thing and it sounds pretty familiar.
I had a chance to talk a little bit to the wife today. She said that she was filing for divorce, and if I only wanted a separation then I can file those papers myself.
I'm am so horribly depressed about this thing. I'm really not sure what to do. The more I look at this message board, or read the divorce busting book, the harder it is for me. I feel sick. I felt so good about it just three days ago and now i can't sleep or eat.
I have basically "gone dark" with my wife. She is still in the house but moving out Saturday. What I am doing is only communicating with her through text or email. I don't speak to her unless she speaks to me first. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but she said she wanted me out of her life and so I am trying to honor that. I don't know if she thinks I'm mad or whatnot...I do not feel it's my problem to worry what she thinks about me.
It's been two weeks since the bomb was dropped. Since I have cut her off she seems to be more grouchy than usual. She is going to that friend's house and spending the night there. Yesterday, she came into the house, laid down in the bed and talked quietly to someone....which I don't recall her ever doing that before. She looked like she may have been crying, but it could have been her face was red...I couldn't tell either way, so I guess it's a moot point.
Last night my neighbors were walking by my house and I struck up a conversation with them. My wife ignored them for awhile and then got up and started talking to the neighbors wife while I talked to the hubby. Both of our wives left to go get cigarettes and to check out my wife's new car. She's been very short with the neighbors lately and having nothing to do with them...unless she wants something, like her hair cut. The other day I was talking to out neighbor lady and when I came home my wife asked, "so, is she your buddy now" in a annoyed way.
Today my wife came home at 7:15 am to take my daughter to school. Of course, I was the one who got her up and ready to go. I'm the one that put her to bed to go to sleep last night...yep, she was at her friend's house. My wife came home and said hi to me. I paused for a second and said hi back. My wife then told me her friend was coming over...which I responded by saying, why would i care about that? My wife took a shower and came out with the gorgeous lipstick on. I am a sucker for lipstick. I couldn't tell if she was wearing it for me or for her friend, but she doesn't wear that dark lipstick often. Then...they all went out for breakfast.
Is it too early to tell if I'm on the right track? She's already told my neighbor that my changes were "too late", so I know she's noticed something. I just can't tell if her reactions are due to me, or not. How do you know?
I've been good thus far with everything. Yesterday I felt like things were going good. I felt like I was making progress; even to the point that I felt the urge to try talking to her about us again...I refrained. I'm so confused. Why the lipstick, why is she suddenly talking to the friends when I started talking to them? I'm not saying anything bad about her to them...I have told them both that I don't want them in the middle, there are two sides to every story.
The questions are endless. I'm sure I am analyzing too much. It's been the longest that I have gone without talking to her. I'm just so confused.
Can anyone give me advice and point me in the right direction if needed. Encouragement would be great. Or, you can completely rip me up and tell me I'm being stupid. Whatever works.
