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Journal: funny. As I'm getting a week away from the divorce finalization, I'm fiding that I'm not as wound up about it as I was before. What I mean by that is that although it is sad, I'm not as sad as I would have thought. Part of me is actually glad which I feel a little guilty about.
Originally, I thought I wouldn't want the house or the posessions. I was wrong about that. I originally thought when the divorce came I would inject some humor and have a party. My thought as a New Orleans style wake commemerating the death of the relationship.
I have no desire for that now. I don't plan on doing anything different that day. I'm still in a mode where I want a break from it all. But I'm also looking forward to my emancipation (so to speak; I still have my humor smile )

I'm looking forward to so much right now, it's hard to really quantify it all. I am very thankful for the time with ex, but really enjoying my life without her and looking forward to so many more things. I'm looking forward to time with my son, my friends, and meeting new people. I'm looking forward to the confirmation class I'll be helping teach and looking forward to visiting my family back in California before the end of the year.

Strikes me as odd considering how I felt this time last year. But I have to admit, I like it smile

Later,

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Journal: seem to be up and down about this. Mostly up, but the familiar up and down has returned. Not as sharp of ups and downs, but here just the same. Long rolling ups and downs is a better way to put it. And not too much down. Most of me sees this as very good.

Yesterday, my son left his stuff at the house and as we were leaving for school he asks if he can stop by his mom's to drop it off. I had to say no because I had to be at work early. I told him his mother could take him to the house or his sister could. He didn't want to because his mother gives him grief for it. I told him I would make sure that he got his bag even if later at night.

Yesterday at work was not fun. RIF's. I'm a manager "just" in time apparently :>) I knew it was coming and had to be at work early for that.

Anyway, I did get angry at the way she treats him. I see her as shifting the anger at me towards him in as if she is punishing him for staying with me. Similar to what I saw her do to my daughter.

When I dropped off the bag last night, the boyfriend's car was there. The one she left for.

Let's face it, I am a bit angry smile but still have mixed emotions. I'm not unhappy she's gone. I'm not worried that it's somebody else she left for. I'm angry that she treats the kids this way, but I've come to expect it so no longer disappointed. I'm not upset at how she treats me any longer - I expect that as well. I've come to realize and accept that it is not me she is angry with. It is not me she left. It was not my choice and it was really very little to do with me. I get that.

But there is a bit of anger still in there. Not sure exactly where that completely comes from, but notice it is getting in my way of contentment.

I find myself clearing the decks and going from generally very happy to sometimes a little angry. Mostly happy and more or less content.

I hate what she is and has been doing to the kids though. That she could be this type of person, is sad.

Looking at my autosig, it's been almost 2 years since I agreed to not fight her about getting a divorce. Wow. Time flies...

Anyhow, just writing this helps. I feel much better getting that off my chest.

I do honestly wish her the best. I wish her peace and happiness. And I wish she would leave me alone wink

Later,

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Journal addendum: I almost forgot. I was venting a little and realized something. For the longest time during the craziest bits, I was thinking I was struggling for perspective. My friend I was venting to (I was drinking a few hops and barley soups), mentioned that my planning didn't take into account a psycho ex.
He went on to mention that it was easier for others to see than it was for me because I was too close. That's true. It's one reason I vent and come here. Perspective.

smile


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Journal: the pastor today spoke on forgiveness. He spoke of it because of 9/11. But I felt like he was pointing a finger right at me! Weird. But I do know I've struggled with forgiveness for quite sometime. I felt so much more relieved after thinking about this. I'm not the only one that struggles an the message was poignant: how many times must I forgive?

The answer of course, is every time.

Easy preaching, difficult living but well worth the journey I can tell.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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I believe the number in the Bible is 7 times 70. But I'm not sure,I got my info from a Veggies Tale video.

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Ok. I'm not sure if that should make me laugh or not. smile

The number is not important in the sense that it is used to refer to "a lot" or "infinite" amount of times.

I like Veggie Tales though smile

Tough to do for sure, but I am finding it a good way to go. To know that I am not the first to have to face this type of issue. It's a test of sorts. I see it as a personal challenge....

What is tough sometimes is to help differentiate between forgiveness and boundaries. i.e. I forgive you for what you've done to me. Each and ever time I distinctly remember forgiving you for things I very much remember forgetting. But I will not let you continue to do them to me.

For me that means silence. It means not letting her use me for her fuel for anger. Not as a "real" participant at any rate.

Thanks for stopping by...

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Journal: I'm sick of nutty people smile Ex. I decided to respond to an email. No good deed goes unpunished sometimes... I texted a reply to an email that really should not have been sent in the first place regarding a bill. She had no need to ask when to expect the money, since that's spelled out in the agreement. I sent the text letting her know it would be there next week. Her response? Thx. I prefer to get an email.

Really? NOW you want email vs. text? My how things have changed. smile

I am not responding, but it's silly. I blame it on the full moon. Why? Because it seems every time there is one she gets nuttier, if that's possible. She has no need to contact. At all. I texted her the results of s's doctor appt a little while back. Response wasn't needed, but she replied like a human and said thx.

I suspect I'm a little angry (can you tell?) and annoyed.

Recently, I ended a R with a gf. She was great, but I realized I needed some space. I wasn't treating her well for a while, and didn't like that about me. It's not her, it's me. I need to finish some things up. GF was and is great. Giving me space and very graciously I might add.

I'm noticing that I care about things less and less. I've been unplugging again for the past few months - partly because of the new job being stressful and partly so I can clear the decks if that makes sense. I really need to clear the decks and square things away.

I didn't ask for this journey, but I really do enjoy what life has to bring. I'm sad about GF but also not as sad as I'd like to be about such things. I miss her, but can't do both - focus on the things I need to do for me and meet her needs right now. It's sad because she's great and I'm angry becuase of the situation. I know I have some anger still towards ex. I was even finding myself confusing some of that anger towards gf and I knew that was VERY wrong. Needed to get away and clear the decks.

At church tonight with the youth group. Good times mostly. Found out that one kid's dad (a friend of mine) found the neighbor kid after killing himself. I really feel for him and the family. A 14 yr old kid that killed himself! Tragic. Senseless.

The rest of my day was really uneventful, but good. Lots to deal with but all in due time...

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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ajm,
still following along.

sorry to hear about the r ending with the gf. but i think you did the right thing.

i can sense the anger in your posts in regards to xw. so now that we know the anger is still there and it's impacting your new relationships, what are you going to do about it?

i don't know if i ever asked but are you seeing an ic?

hang in there buddy ..

cheers,
D4MIL.

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Thanks D. I was seeing one and still talk to the pastor etc. I'm not sure that an IC is needed right now, vs. time. I am closing things down, but I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel as well. I think it's the finality of it really. It is final for me. The period at the end of a long sentence so to speak. (humor)

If it doesn't change in short order however, I will go see the IC again. Thanks for that.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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AJM

I wanted to stop by to show YOU my support.

Originally Posted By: from XW
Thx. I prefer to get an email.

You know the drill, she knows what buttons to push and she will continue to push them. Remove the button and in come FREEDOM.

Quote:
I suspect I'm a little angry (can you tell?) and annoyed.

I know this feeling well...feel it for a second (and I mean a second) then let it go. Now...repeat after me "she is an alien, she is an alien"....:)

Quote:
I need to finish some things up.

Do you know what these things are?

Quote:
I'm noticing that I care about things less and less.

Could be signs of depression...be careful dude, do not let yourself get to far down that pit before you do something about it.

Quote:
Lots to deal with but all in due time

step by step. Write down some goals but make them realistic and give yourself time. This way you are knocking some of this chit off the list, which will help you to realize that you are making progress.

My divorce was final on Wednesday of last week. The finality although sad was a relief for me and I hope and pray that you finally get to that place where you can breath and just live for YOU.

Oh...before I forget, I am not sure where you live but if you are experiencing a level of blah...maybe it could be because of the weather change.

Chin up...and sorry about the GF.

God Bless,
Eric


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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