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Journaling: Hmm... I was at a party last night. Some friends pointed out how odd it was that I had a picture given by my ex (years ago) of her. I was talking about how I threw it out, but it seems, looking back, a bit odd.

Funny, connections are starting to come again. I didn't expect that...

Great party though. Some really fun people. Lots of laughter and good food. Chaos cooking - French. I slept like a log.. smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hi AJM!

We all go through our own cycle. I see you as a VERY STRONG individual who is alot farther than me in your progress.

When i loose myself in the drama, i reread the articles in this site:
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions.html

I am no longer a stander but i am NOT A LOOSER.
I came to realize that NC is in fact a blessing to me. It gives me a chance to get my strenght back and put my head back where it belongs. The man i fell in love with is no longer. I get glimpse of him but that is not enough for me. He will never return, he will be changed forever. He will not be the love of my life even if he comes back home. I am coming to term with that.

I, like you, wish him peace and happiness but without me.
I am responsible for my own peace and happiness and keeping ties with his drama is interfering.

I read your entire post and i like your journaling.
We, the LBS seem to follow a script just like the MLC but, believe it or not, ours sounds healthier. Our SANITY is the key to get through this.

You're doing great. Keep posting, i'll keep reading.
God bless...

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P.S: As for your daughter, don't give her to much power and freedom of choice because she might see it as a "you don't give a sh*t about her". Be consistent with your attempt to contact her.
You are the adult and she wants to be one. (teenager).
Show her how adult really show their love and affection with RESPECT. Find her point of interest and get involve with her.
Do an activity and give her the opportunity to bring a friend along.( That is priceless because you get to listen in and ,it gives you insight on how they see things.)

She needs to know that what happened beetwin you and your wife will NOT change the love that you have for her and your son.BTW, she might have a bit of jaleousy towards her brother's relationship with you. You seem very close to him. Try to get her involve. ALWAYS invite her to come along. VERY IMPORTANT!!
My XH always assumed that my D15 wouldn't be interested in going with them. Never invited her to go, wich in her mind became, "he doesn't want me." NOT TRUE!

She will refuse often but i swear, one day, she will say "YES",and the feeling you will get that day will be PRICELESS.
Don't give up on her. You are an amazing father. Don't let a silly divorce take that away from you. It can"t. You will always be their father and YOUR LOVE will never stop growing. They need to KNOW AND FEEL that love.

Keep on rocking....

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Thanks EQ. I do think about my daughter all the time. I do make it very clear that I want her in my life and that I love her. I don't invite her places. I promised I wasn't going to talk to her except birthdays and holidays. Talking with several mental health pros and reading up on things, this course of action was decided (by me) to give her time to figure things out. Her last email to me was scary in the sense that it conveyed some of her emotions but also her mother's. Clearly. There was no doubt when I read it and some of those pros read it. She needs to figure out how to be independent of her mother and I don't interfere. I simply and succinctly tell her I love her and miss her and for now leave it at that.
There are several schools of thought about how to approach the situation. Some believe I should force her to come home (I could). Others think not. I tend to believe the latter based on what I see and understand.

Thanks for your thoughts. I know it will work itself out over time with my daughter. My ex... not possible and I won't let it be. That is history and will stay that way because I am not willing to let that be anything else. That's part of what my daughter is upset about, ironically.

Later,

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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You've been doing very well in handleing things so far and you know what's best for you and your family.
I also know everything will work itself out at the end.
Good luck and take care!

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Nothing to really report. Got the divorce date today. A friend mentioned it will be a good thing. Like the period at the end of the sentence. Know what? She's right? I'll be able to close that chapter now.

I'm looking forward to what's next smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Journaling:
Still nothing to really report. Just a thought that struck me today for some reason. I'm not really sure I ever really wanted her back. I know I've had this thought before, but been angry lately. I wonder if that's anger at myself really? Just thinking out loud.

I feel like I've wasted a lot of energy on somebody who lied to and about me. Is that a big deal? Not really. But pile it all up with the whole picture of "why" and I'm a bit angry. As I mentioned above, I am starting to wonder if I am angry at me... for taking that time for something I'm not even sure I wanted after I became aware of the whole thing. I've felt guilty about some of that before, but tell the truth, I don't trust her and there is no "relationship" to be had. I let her use me as a participant when she was using me to fuel her anger - both before and after she left. I put a stop to that, but I feel like I've wasted so much time with that in the past. I'm tired of thinking about the whole thing. Seriously.

Everything else is great! Love my job, even with the stress and hours. Love my kids, even though my daughter won't talk to me right now. Things are really going well all in all.

For some reason (likely the finality of the divorce if I had to wager a guess) I'm making more connections. Feels like lurching into reality.

Acceptance? Thought I had done that, but maybe this is more final...

Anyway, nice weekend with son planned at the beach. Looking forward to it.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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You are riding the waves.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6
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Yeah, I think so. Not as much fun as being at the beach, but I suspect you are correct smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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Journal: another great weekend with the church group! Really relaxing.
ex sent me a bill for daughter's psych visits. 4 times in the last month? That's really ratcheting up the frequency... hmm..
Also got an email from ex regarding S's doctor appt. She was letting me know he has an appt in the afternoon (she didn't tell me before) and letting me know that I should take him if he comes back from the morning appt I have for him. I read that she was really just letting me know she wasn't happy I didn't tell her about his doctor appt.
I deleted the message. I'm tired of her trying to stay in my life in a controlling way. I tell her things when needed, but otherwise just stay quiet. I'm not willing to be her punching bag. Period. I will let her know things she needs to know if and when they come up, but honestly I feel much better when I don't have any contact with her. <sigh> Does it ever end? (I know the answer, just venting smile )

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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