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Talking with a friend the other night. It occurs to me that I may have some other things to deal with about me. Go figure. After talking to him I suspect I know where some of that anger comes from - I was cheated out of the second half of my children's childhood. What I mean by that is that "we" didn't get to finish raising them together. I don't think I took that into account, but when I was talking to my buddy I was trying to figure out if I was done with kids. I had to ask myself that question. The estranged wife brought that conversation up years ago during her accusations of me and her rages. I have to face it now, due to the ladies I meet that are at different stages of their lives - some are quite a bit younger while others are about to be grandparents. Age is not the important factor there, but rather the stage they are in compared to where I am. I think I have to figure out if I want more kids or not or if it's just that I see it as a way to build a new family and complete what I started with the estranged spouse. Didn't really consider that before but it seems to make sense to me to face that.
I'm still learning to give it away. I can give it away easily but find it hard to not go back and pick it up from time to time. I must be human after all smile

Cheers,

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Yep, anger is still a struggle. I don't think I should expect otherwise, but it is what it is. I expect the anger to come and go while the divorce and sep agreement are still not final. Makes sense academically.
I was talking to some friends last night and realized I am SOOO sick and tired of the conversation. Yuck. I want different. I want something else.
I get concerned that because of the kids, I will have to see her again. My concern is that while I need to forgive her, I still have that anger at what she did and don't want to talk to her. Right now, I doubt I could say as much as hello without feeling anger.. Silly I know, but again, it is what it is. Don't get me wrong. I know I need to stay away from her and I have no desire to be anywhere else but away from her. But she seems to want to talk on the phone. I feel like she is putting me in a position where if I don't, I'm the bad guy. That's not silly - she has been very manipulative throughout. I realize she was sabotaging my relationships with the kids as much as she could even before the revelation. I get that now and I have some resentment about it. The only saving part is that I don't think she did it consciously. Even that I wonder but only becuase of my deep distrust of her.

Done venting smile


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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AJM Offline OP
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Ya know? I read the drivel I talk about and wonder who I am some days... smile
I am a child of God. I am commanded to both let her go and to forgive her as well as to love her. It's confusing. But I think it's not as confusing as my pea brain has started telling me. My anger has clouded much of it. My pain and my anger really.
Forgive? Yep, working on that.
Love? Yep, I do. Just not like before. Different.
Let her go. Yep, did that long ago.

So why the rehash? I've spent some time to see what that is about. I still don't really know, but I suspect it is more related to the current legal aspects. I have to keep being reminded of this and keep dealing with it. Been that way more since Christmas than in a long time before that. I've seen a pattern if you will. The more I have to deal with it in my face, the more I find myself thinking about it. I really do not want to. But my growth needs to happen and I do have to deal with it.

So hopefully not much longer. Waiting on the reply still.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Still waiting on the real reply. So far her laywer indicated she wanted more money. At first I was a bit ticked, but I look at it differently now. I remember two things:
1) just because she asked or wants, doesn't really mean much other than longer delays at a time when I want this done and over with. Just drags it on longer is all. Somebody once told me that marriage is about love and divorce is about money. Seems that's true.
What she is asserting (her or her lawyer or both?) is that there is more equity in the house than my offer reflects. Really? Hmm... Nope. Checked with the real estate agent and had her re-run the numbers. Have you read the papers lately? Lived under a rock? The market is pretty bad these days. Sent back a reply to my own lawyer with the way I see the figures. If I'm right about the numbers, she walks away with about 3.5K if the house sells at appraisal value. Not likely, but what the heck right? More likely is that she pays money and I just end up out of my home. Weird, but then again not....
2) I was getting angry and I remembered back when she was struggling with all this. Don't get me wrong, I was too, but that's not her doing per se. I remember seeing her not sleeping, getting skin ailments, being depressed, and generally having a difficult time. She once told me she almost pulled over to the side of the road to throw up and didn't because she was worried she would never stop. She was a mess.
I know now that it was nothing to do with me. Her issues are hers and are self-inflicted. But it gives an idea of the mess she was (is?) I can't have anything but pity at this point for that. Even if she is evil incarnate towards me and selfish beyond belief, (evil incarnate is just a joke - gallows humor to some degree - I don't really feel like that - just annoyed at the junk that comes with this - kind of a drama queen about it right? smile I can't honestly say I loved her and want that for her. I mean really. Could anyone want that for somebody else?
I remember it was part of my decision to let go. To no longer stand in her way of filing for divorce (as if I could, right?).

Anyway, just venting. And waiting. I don't want to wait any longer. I want to move forward. I want to stop being in what feels like limbo while I wait for this junk. I am waiting because I can't see what is going to happen with my home. cie la vie I guess.

Good news elsewhere though. Work, which has been good to me and almost fired me at the same time (for other reasons) during all of this, is looking to promote me to a new position. That's good news in many respects. I've been struggling to get my son's medication shipped. When all of this was going on, I missed the part in the new benefits that indicated a 10K cap every year. His medication is 5K per month (he is growth hormone deficient). With a lot of hard work, I've got that worked around, but a new job (it's technically with a new company) would be really good. With one less person in the household, I need that because I wouldn't qualify for the workaround next year. It's been five years without a raise/review etc. The new job is very different but a good thing. More of a management track and includes an international component - travel. I'm excited to see if I can land it and take on new challenges. It isn't official yet - still has to go through the process. We'll see.

Take care,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Good luck on the job - I like the international travel part! smile

Pretty ridiculous that a catastrophic medicine like growth hormone would be limited. How about instead we limit the hypertension and cholesterol meds that many people could largely change their lifestyles and not need to take all the time?

As for the house equity question - I found out to my dismay that apparently, in most situations, the costs of selling the house are not taken into consideration when figuring your buyout of the other spouse. I think that's absurd. If the house would sell for 100k and you owe 95k on it, there IS no 5k equity to be split, because if you DID sell the house, it would cost more than 5k to fix it up for sale and pay your share of closing costs etc. And that's assuming, of course, that it sells for that price. Stick to your guns, show them the comps and factor in those closing costs.

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Oh yes that certainly is/was the case in the UK at the time of my divorce. Of course you have to take off the costs of sale.

I so know what you mean about being in limbo. Divorce is a horrible time but it will get easier it really will.

You write so clearly about your feelings. I know what you mean about not wanting to be friends with your ex. For a while I tried really hard to be friends with me ex. But it became very apparent that it would never work. So I gave up trying. Life got better from that point onwards.

I'm pleased that you were able to sort the medication out for your son - such a worry.

Good luck.

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Thank you both. It is a relief to have the medication figured out. Still a pain sometimes to be the responsible adult here, but I also see it as a badge of honor.

Friday was fun. Got a text from the ex. She was in an absolute rage. The issue was our daughter getting in trouble for being late. Naturally that must be my fault. Some of it has been - I've gotten her late to school a few times. But the rest of the story.... well nobody asked before the rage began. Interesting. I just let it go. There was nothing to say, but it's a pain to be villainized that way and for really what amounts to something the ex caused. In other words, if she hadn't made the choices she did, this wouldn't be an issue that had to be face. And if she was more of a parent and got the child to go to sleep at a reasonable time (fairness: she is a teenager - they are funny about sleep smile ) .... the list goes on. Being threatened by legal action.. that let me know that this was nothing to argue about. Just rage. Pure rage.
My guess is that we won't be able to so much as say hello for years without there being something else behind it. Ok. Can't change that. Sadly, it will only hurt the kids - there is no more to hurt me with and I knew that was possible when I shut that door. What gets me is that I can see where I can manipulate that situation to my and the kids advantage. The issue is one of morals; that's not the right thing to do. She would do it to me in a heartbeat - I know that - but it doesn't make it right. Not even for my kids in many cases. Where it does and I can see that clearly, I have no hesitation in doing it. But otherwise, I leave it alone.
She has some need to be angry at me. I have no need from her. Seems logical and morally correct to let it drop even though it does annoy me (can you tell?) Seems like this might be somewhat normal too, when it comes to divorce. From what I've heard anyway. First time I've done it smile

Just venting again. Catch you later,

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Let's face it, I just won't understand the rage. It's bothered me a bit. Not sure why, but I think it has something to do with having to see her again in a few months. Hard to get that out of my mind. I struggle with showing grace and mercy (I am a Christian after all and she is one of God's critters (I think :))
I struggle with it just the same.
What I want to do is to call her a monster and have her never speak to me again except about business related issues. Everything else is text or email and that's fine with me.
What I feel my faith calls me to do is to be graceful and polite should I be faced with that.
What I realize is that I'm dying the coward's death - a thousand times. I just need to face it. What I also realize is that she is not anyone I know. She is, at least towards me, a raging lunatic. She wasn't always that way. Really. We had a good marriage for a lot of years. But now... she is a raging lunatic at least towards and around me. It's weird. I can find no reason that I know of (I'm being totally honest and believe me, I've looked at everything I know to look at) to explain that rage. Other than she chose to. Simple as that.
I'm saddened by that at some times, but not really any longer. I honestly am glad to be away from her at this point. I hate what it has done to my family but I don't regret what I've done and I don't want her back in my life. Not for a lot of years. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Nobody.
I saw her the other day at a race we were both in. I can't even find her attractive. That's a good thing I suspect.

But I keep coming back to the rage. Hence the reason I'm posting - to get it out of my system. I didn't respond to it. She later texted me about some other question related to our son and so I answered that one. But the rage is a reminder to me of what she is and part of the reason I chose to not fight her about getting a divorce. As if it was my choice, but still...

Anyway, enough of that. I did get the medication today (yay!) and daughter's contact lenses. Good day in that regard. Work informed I'll be getting a bonus for some past work I did. That's always nice. The weekend was tons of fun with an 8k race and lots of friends. All in all, life is good and looking better and better. I just need the lawyer to help me finalize the sep agreement and move on from there. I can feel that pressure, but it's tolerable.

Later gator,

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Quote:
I can find no reason that I know of (I'm being totally honest and believe me, I've looked at everything I know to look at) to explain that rage


Anger is guilt turned outward.

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I agree with kml. The relationship didn't work out so of course there is a lot of thinking about what ifs, I should have, I could have, If only's out there. The thing that bothers me the most of late is how I stayed, did the right thing in raising my kids and yet at the moment I don't have a partner. Ex is married to his affair partner after living with her for a year. I think in their own crazy world, they were trying to make the relationship look honest and clean. You know as if 2 marriages /families didn't get broken because of their choices.

I don't dwell on it but it kind of hits me now and then. I am better off as you will be too. You deserve someone who wants to be with you, right? You did what you could. Now get some really good glue, I hear Gorilla Glue is strong stuff, pick up your pieces, rearrange accordingly and glue like a madman. Just don't move too quick, you have to give yourself and the glue time to cure. smile

kat


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Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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