The year of not my problem

[DumpedforMIL]

hang in there, dude. vent all you want.

[AJM]

Venting again. Thanks DMIL.
Funny, I'm venting but I really feel very little passion about the venting. Just annoyance. I get why. It passes quickly on most days.

My two struggles:
Forgiveness and forgiveness. Why twice? Glad you asked
Forgiving her for what she has done is important to me. I know she lied (to herself as much as anyone) and I know she manipulated. I know I allowed that to happen to me (for me really - that's a different conversation though). I still find it hard to completely forgive this. Why? Because the divorce is not yet final I suspect. It keeps things at the forefront. The second reason is because I feel like she is trying to prove that the kids are ok (the picture of them at Christmas) and that she is a good mother (more on that in a minute.) It's like the closer we get to the divorce, the more she tries to prove she isn't the one. As I write this, it becomes more clear why that is. This has had some benefit then....at least in terms of perspective.

She tries over and over to antogonize me with weird little things. I've asked that she not talk to me. I'm sure one day I won't be bothered if she wants to talk or not. But for 20+ years I trusted and loved her deeply - on both counts. For the past few I have not been able to trust her. I don't turn and run and I don't turn quickly. That's just me. I do still love her - I know. But not in a way that I want to be around her. More in a way that I hope she is ok. More in a way that I don't try to hurt her and sometimes I go out of my way to be sure I don't hurt her. I have no desire to see her hurt or do poorly. I have in the past, but that's my anger. I know. But even then I knew that I wouldn't be happy to see her do poorly.
The second forgiveness is there because she still does "weird" stuff. Christmas was a good example when she tried to make her poor planning my problem. It's very unlike the old her to plan so poorly and I can't see how she didn't plan better this time. I feel like it wasn't poor planning but something else. Stop for a second and realize I do understand I don't know how she thinks and really don't know this person she is or what she is going through. I really don't. But it was odd. The other day was the same thing. I got home and found a bill on the counter for my son's dental visit. She is his provider, and when she took him to the clinic a while back she tried to get me to pay for it. I told her I can't (I really cannot) and to take him somewhere the benefits would pay for it. She replied back (this was all via text) to never mind, she would handle it. So I was surprised to see a bill. I asked her about it(again via text - I have no desire to talk to her - I'm not a masochist and she told me she wanted me to be aware of it. I asked why and if she had filed the paperwork to the insurance. She suggested I could send her the documents. Silly I know, she has the same insurance card still. I told her she could download them and I would return the paper and reminded her of the previous conversation that she was going to take care of it since she did not take him to the insurance approved providers. She wanted to remind me that she is his provider and saw no reason to take him elsewhere.

I walked away from that wondering why the heck she felt it necessary to tell me that. That whole conversation didn't need to happen and I can't for the life of me figure out why it occurred. To me, that's very strange to say the least.

Why is that important? Because it makes it hard to finish the forgiveness. It brings up the crazy crap that has been going on for years now. It reminds of how she poisoned the relationships I have with the kids (sabotaged is a better word). I'm at a loss for all of that as to why. I know my reaction to it wasn't great - I'm not perfect, but I am a working to forgive that in her. I've forgiven myself for my reactions. That happened long ago when I realized the dynamic. But I am sooooooooo tired of revisiting this junk. I have very little energy and negative enthusiasm for it.

I did talk to the lawyer the other day. Nice to know just how screwed I'll be monetarily. That's ok though. My sanity is worth more than that money and in the final analysis, it's worth it. But getting there is sooooooooo tiring when it keeps coming up.

I'm sure I don't want to be her. I feel some compassion for her. I did and do love her and don't want bad things to happen to her. But I do want her to leave me alone. I don't want to be friends with somebody who treats me like she does. I'm not her daddy and I'm not her whipping post. I'm not the reason she left and I'm not to blame for her decisions. I don't like being treated like I am and since I can't do anything to change her mind or her behavior, I would really like to be left alone. I'm not interested in hearing how she is doing - I trust she'll be fine at some point. Instead I put my energy into those things that are important to me - myself and my kids.

Anyway, it helps to keep perspective by venting here.

Peace,


AJ

[DumpedforMIL]

ajm .. nobody says forgiveness has to happen now or next week or even next year.

it happens when you are ready for it. oh yeah .. forgiveness isn't mandatory. it's an option. nobody even says you HAVE to forgive her. it's a choice you make. and it's up to you when you do so.

don't put a timeline on something like that. that's like added pressure, y'know?

I did talk to the lawyer the other day. Nice to know just how screwed I'll be monetarily. That's ok though. My sanity is worth more than that money and in the final analysis, it's worth it. But getting there is sooooooooo tiring when it keeps coming up.

i know what you mean. my stbxh is trying to screw me monetarily as well. it's not always the man who gets shafted. and trust me, the woman doesn't have all the power. we get called so many names just for asking for a "fair" deal. man just has to win. what kind of man screws a woman over when he's the one who wants out?

it [censored] when it keeps coming up. i wish it was over.

what are you doing for yourself and what are your kids doing these days?

[kat727]

Forgiveness is for you, not the other person. At the end of the day, the only person all that pent up frustration hurts is you. I started out acting "as if" I forgave him. When I saw him instead of totally ignoring him, for the kids sake, I treated him like the postman.

Sounds as if your soon to be ex wants you to take care of everything and doesn't get by walking away you don't get that anymore. I am sorry for all of that you are going through.

hang in there, kat

[AJM]

Kat and DMIL, I appreciate that. My take is that the only person I'm hurting by not forgiving is me. I also see that she won't be happy until she feels like she has hurt and "won" for whatever that really means. I know.
I also realize that it's not just the man that's gets screwed over, nor is it "fair". The person that leaves just wants to leave that destruction I guess. Not even going to guess why any longer. That is meaningless. I see that.
Acting like you're talking to the postman? That's a good idea - thanks.
I do know that acting as if for now is the way to go. That's been very helpful for me for a long time now. It leads to the forgiveness. Wanting to forgive the first step, and I know that too. I'm impatient at this point, so venting helps me to keep perspective and get some of that out.

Kat, I don't know what my STBX really wants. I just know the actions I see. And thankfully that's not very much, but what I do see is poor behavior. In that context, my only recourse to protect me and look out for me is to keep contact to a minimum. I suspect that will last for a few years before she can treat me with some sort of respect and not just demand things. Either that or she will just stop contacting. Either will have to do because I refuse to be treated poorly. At any cost (except the kids - I won't let them get caught in the mess as much as I can control.) It's not lost on me that she will still have things to deal with in her own emotional cess pool. I have noticed the friendship circle has changed yet again, which really is only important to me so far as she is nowhere near done with this ride and I want to stay as clear as I can. I was told once that I would be done and then she'll figure out what she wants. That makes me nervous in that I really don't want to so much as talk to her right now. I'm not a masochist and she is very abusive and demanding when she tries to talk to me.
What am I doing for me? All kinds of things. I am very much happy except for this junk and annoyance. I've been training up for some racing this coming spring and summer. My 40th birthday is coming up and I'm looking at how I want to spend that. Working around the house getting it ready for spring. Hanging out with friends and generally just relaxing when I can. The kids and I are spending as much time as we can together. They have their lives as well, and I try to remember that. My daughter especially. My son is trying hard to spend more time with me while my daughter is trying to be a teenager. I'm rolling with it either way More involved in my church and working with the youth there. I really enjoy that part. And then there's work. Work has been very busy lately. And family things to deal with with my family in California.
All in all, life is really good.

As I wrote this, it occurs to me that my only real issue is with me. The forgiveness is chewing at me. I do know that it is in my best interest. I want that. I want to let this all go and just be done. I'm still very defensive and feel I have to be because I cannot trust her until she is in a place that she cannot hurt me any longer. I can see her trying. I can see her trying to get worked up and in a rage towards me. I can see she doesn't like that I am not willing to talk to her nor that what is asked for by her can also be asked for by me. She wants it to be a one-way street - still. I can't fathom it, but I see it. And it makes it harder to forgive even though I should be able to with or without her cooperation. I agree it is not on a timetable, but I do want it as soon as possible. <sigh> Oh well. Just keep working towards that forgiveness and eventually I'll get there.

Thanks guys.

AJ

[kat727]

Somewhere the forgiveness is pointed towards yourself too. You did all that you could. You can't control someone else's choices. So forgive yourself that you didn't pull off saving the marriage. You saved yourself and that is a good thing in the end.

kat

[kml]

Remember anger is guilt turned outward. Sometimes when they're angry they're also really feeling guilty.

[AJM]

Thank you all. Sometimes it is helpful to talk with people that have been through this. It helps me keep perspective when I really just don't want to keep perspective.

Kat, I think you really do get what I'm saying and have been there. I think you all do, but those words articulate what I couldn't. Thank you for that.

Nothing more to report today. Just another busy day. I'll pick up my kids this evening and get to spend some time with them - I'm looking forward to that. The next time I see them it's to drop them off at camp. I miss them. I miss having them home with me. I have to be careful to not pull them unfairly just because I miss them. Balance. I'm getting better at it.

Thanks guys!

AJ

[kat727]

Hey no one can really hope to get through this stuff overnight. It takes a lot of work and looking into the dark recesses of yourself. Maybe it helps that I was a psych major, I don't know.

I think the important thing to remember is that you will get there when you do. No deadline set in stone. Even then you will catch yourself thinking what if or what a waste that this happened. It is normal.

I'm hanging around if you need to chat.

kat

[AJM]

Yep, I totally agree Kat. Thanks for that. (again )
I caught myself being angry again. Frustrated. I'm sure I will again, but when I catch myself now, I started back to asking a lot of questions about why. I think I revisit from time to time. I'm sure I do, and yet it is nothing I can do anything about. So revisiting is for some other reason - not one that is provides any evident value however.
So I'm learning to ask the questions. To give it away. It's not mine to own and I'm hurting only me.

Interesting journey

Peace,
AJ