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#2091552 - 10/19/10 12:09 PM Re: The year of not my problem [Re: soleil]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 2939
Journaling:
I've decided that this board no longer helps me very much. In fact, it ties me back to the past for now. I'll take longer breaks to focus more on me.
The way forward is clear. Julie/a picked a fight with me the other day. During that fight (this was via text; we really don't have a reason to talk) several things occurred to me:
1) When the mc told me it was 90/10 it wasn't about blame. It was about what I was going to do to try and save my marriage. Because it wasn't much about me, I could try my a** off and it wouldn't do anything other than almost kill me and put me dangerously close to being a doormat. It did both, but I realize I had to do it. For me.
2) The story. That one puzzled me for a long time. I couldn't figure out why she was "writing and rewriting" stories for so many attempts. I do now. It occured to me that this is a natural human behavior and need. We need a story, don't we? If I learned one thing from this board it is that exact thing. We need a story to help us cope. I fought that and it caused a lot of pain. But it also allowed me to see me for who I am. Good thing I like me just the way I am smile
3) Blame. See above, but I realize now that blame really doesn't matter. That moment came to me while she was trying to argue with me. She told me that she lied 19 years ago (our marriage) but that I know the reason she left. The truth is I do not. I only know what she told me and what I've seen. I know what I am responsible for and what I am not.
4) I realize I am not "done" as much as I had hoped I would be. What I am is beyond the point of no return but that I am far from "done" loving her. I suspect that will take much longer than I'd like. I will not be somebody's option nor their second choice. Or fifth or whatever, right? (humor; nothing more than humor there).
5) I am no longer "in love" with her. I do know that as well. I am repulsed when I do have to see her. But even that doesn't have the same visceral feeling it once had for me. I notice her much more as a person on the street.
6) I do still have ocassional thoughts or feelings about her. But they are much more infrequent and I am much more at peace. I truly am much happier without her. I really fought that step and allowing myself to let go. Not yet sure what my fear was. Maybe failure? I do realize I am not a failure. I have no regrets for the way I did things nor do I consider myself a failure.
7) Re-remembering the past and compassion. I won't allow myself to do that. My marriage was a good one. I picked the right person. That person didn't really change. That person is struggling with her decisions. I can still see that in her face and in the way she interacts with me and the kids. I know it is not easy for her and I feel compassion for that. Not much, because I know it is her own growth path. One she chose. One she decided (unilaterally) was best for "us". But I realize that my marriage was like a vacation: I got stuck in the airport and my bags got lost on the way home. But it was still a great vacation smile
8) Nobody should be treated the way I allowed myself to be treated. But I would do it all again. I would not change anything.
9) I can't say why, but I think some of this is me digging in my heels and not wanting to be told what to do. Control. She wants me to file for the divorce. She wants me to let her go. She wants me to move on. Etc. Part of my refusal is that I don't want to be told what to do when it wasn't my choice. I'm independent like that and I don't think it's right for somebody to tell another person to do that. Just as it is not right for me to tell her to come home, right? It's not. Give it freely or go away, but don't stay in the middle as far as I'm concerned. Now that I realize that more clearly, I can say that I will file for the divorce. Why? Because it really doesn't matter who files. The result is the same when all is said and done. And because I do not need to continue to be married to somebody that acts like that towards me. For all I know she is hte nicest and most giving person to everyone else except me. I choose to believe that is the case, but really don't know. Doesn't matter. What matters is that she is not around me. She is still incredibly angry towards me. No matter what I do or say. I realize, looking back it never was about me. It's anger and selfishness for reasons I'll never know. I am ok with that now.

To those that offered advice - thank you. For those that are still struggling - keep it up. I believe in marriage. I believe I married the right person. I believe the struggle was worth it. I hope that she finds the happiness and peace she seems to be looking for sooner than she expects to find it. I deeply love her still, but not same as it was before. I care, but I don't care to be abused another moment of my life. Not by her. Not by myself.

I let go a few weeks ago, and let it all wash over me.

This is my final time on this board for a very long time. I need that distance from the past for a while.

Good luck to all of you out there. My the future bring you peace and contentment.

Al (AJM)
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2119346 - 01/10/11 01:24 PM Re: The year of not my problem [Re: AJM]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 2939
...and so ended the year of not my problem. A pretty good end really. Not one I imagined or planned, but actually really good.

Sure I get annoyed by the STBX's crappy attitude. But it's just that: annoyance. I got annoyed briefly by the car accident. But only very briefly. Kept in perspective, things like that (plenty more - cause I'm alive smile are just events that came and went. But I will say that I am struggling with letting that last little bit go. I expect it will continue to be that way for a little while longer at least. I've been working hard on me and letting the end of it go.

Some friends asked me about what happened. I don't recall all the details anymore. I remember her offering me sex to initiate the divorce and stuff like that over the past few years. The highlights as I think of them. I realized why she moved back in - to saddle me with her debt for school. That was a good reminder of how I have buried my head about her thinking and what she has been doing. But all of that is meaningless - just trivial stuff that occurs that I am aware of so I can not make the mistake of thinking the best in the future and being caught unaware. Even that is not a big deal - I'm fine so the harm was mostly in my head.

I'm posting now to clean that part up. To possibly help others at some point to realize that we hurt ourselves FAR more than others can hurt us. The things that happen are meaningless in the final analysis.

So I leave with this thought:
"Everything happens for me, not to me." I am coming to realize how true that is as I continue to walk in this life. Also this, "Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless"

Hope it helps somebody if they find this.

Take care and happy new year!!!!

AJM
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2119736 - 01/11/11 08:03 PM Re: The year of not my problem [Re: AJM]
ClingingToHope Offline
Member

Registered: 09/07/09
Posts: 3068
Loc: Illinois, United States
"But I will say that I am struggling with letting that last little bit go."

I think no one every totally lets go.
_________________________
Me: 45, Ds 15-11, D final 6-11
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#2120179 - 01/13/11 01:22 PM Re: The year of not my problem [Re: ClingingToHope]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 2939
No, I think that's wrong. I found myself as recently as last night letting even more go. I let go of the idea of what I thought she was. I allowed myself to see things as they really are and what her and my actions were. Know what? I have no regrets. Know what else? I'm glad I did what I did. And I'm glad she's gone. We had a good marriage, but it's over. We aren't going to be friends etc (that I can see - I've learned I can't see the future but for now my friends don't treat me the way she still tries to treat me). It's that over. That's ok.

As I've learned about the lies and the affair etc, it really is as simple as letting go. I tried in the beginning but got derailed for a while. That doesn't happen any longer. When I let myself see things as they really are, I began to see that I wouldn't want her as even a friend. I really don't. Which surprised me because I thought the same - don't really ever get over.
I disagree now. I don't want her in my life. At all. And the best part? She'll have a higher paying job than I have and will be able to fund the kids college etc. I really don't have to worry about that. I have the relationship I want with the kids. What more is there? Honestly, I'm very happy even though she has and likely will continue to try and hurt me. I've lived through the worst she can do to me and I'm happier for it.

Can I get over her? Yep. Will it hurt for a little while longer? Yes, but not very much. I don't have a guilty conscience and I am very much at ease with what I've done over the course of my marriage and since. I didn't have much to change, so that part wasn't terribly painful or earth shattering. I just had to get past the part where I trusted her to see clearly. That was the first step and the rest have become much easier.

I can and will totally let go. Wasn't what I asked for but it is what I want now. I want her out of my life. Completely. The best I can do is to only have to talk to her where it regards legal or child matters. That can be managed to a minimum and she can talk to my lawyer for the legal aspects.

I will also be the one to initiate the divorce. The day after I can. I realized what she did and why she stayed so long after I said I wouldn't stand in her way. After that realization? I hope she has a nice life and know that she probably will do quite well. Great. Kids need a stable mom if they can get one. But I'll be the one to move forward - for me. It won't help anyone else as far as I can tell. Nor does it matter of course, but I'll move on. I'll totally let go. I'm almost there.....

AJM



Because I know
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2126580 - 02/03/11 04:36 PM Re: The year of not my problem [Re: AJM]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 2939
Huh. I re-read that last bit of my last post. Hmm.. Might have further than I thought, eh? smile

But I continue to make steps. That's important. I came here today just to vent a little frustration at the legal process. Silly stuff but annoying.
I realized the other day that it's going to be very difficult to be completely done while the legal beagles howl and whine. I suspect I'll continue to be on edge a little while that continues. But good news: the lawyers are a step closer at least. Her lawyer is preparing a counter to the last I sent over. Included in that was a request to refrain from the emails. J showed her some of the emails going back and forth. My thought there is that she got to say that first and also that I have to really watch what I say. Duh right? But not really. Being cautious to that level is new to me in my "relationship" with her. I realize she read the emails and texts and doesn't like the condemnation. But that's no excuse - there is nothing to say really. I offered my support to help her be a parent with the kids. She brought stuff up and I answered, but even that has to stop. I can't let her bait me which is becoming much easier now (to not be baited).
I also realized so much more. The level of selfishness for one. It's surprising but likely only to me. The daddy issues I never saw for another. Can't help but notice these things as I search for a way to forgive while being pummeled in the process.
For all of that that occurs to me, the shock is all that lasts. For a very short duration at that. And I am grateful for that.
What I think I'm after is to understand what I missed because there were some things that I did miss over the years. A better way to put that is that I didn't want to see them because I think a part of me did. It's like detoxing as I see this. Like I had an addiction or affliction or something.
Other than the legal stuff, I'm doing well. Been much much happier and relaxed. My doctor the other day took my blood pressure. Over the years it had been steadily climbing, but this time she had to take it a second time to make sure it really was that low smile
My kids are adjusting in some ways. My daughter is pushing me away and my son is bringing me closer. My daughter is just plain angry and trying to run away in place. She dreams of going to school overseas and makes herself as busy as she can to avoid family. I don't blame her. She spends time with her mom, which is good. I can totally relate to a child that wants a relationship with her mom. Who wouldn't? So I put my feelings aside about her mom and try to encourage it.
My son is often thinking I'm trying to pick up on people around me. He seems to think that because his mom is dating that I should. That's ok too because the time will come when I have something to give to somebody else. For now it's pretty funny to check out cute girls with my 13 y-old son smile

Fun fun fun. Glad I had a chance to vent. I've come to the conclusion that I can guess until the cows come home about the reasons, but really will never know the real reason. And that it doesn't matter (meaningless and wouldn't likely understand anyway.)

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2128663 - 02/09/11 08:39 PM Re: The year of not my problem [Re: AJM]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 2939
Just venting. smile
Lawyers are soooooo much fun. But almost there. Should talk to my lawyer next week and finalize the agreement. I see her for who she is, even if she thinks she has changed. That helps because I know she still wants to try and hurt me. I know she wants to hurt me with the divorce/legal process and via the kids. I'm grateful she is spending more time with the kids, but I see that the kids are growing tired of it. I try to encourage them to spend time with her, but we'll see how it goes...
Knowing these things helps me to protect the kids and myself. The legal wrangling is almost over and I realize that the kids will continue to make up their own minds. The best I can do for them is to encourage them to have a relationship with their mother.
Otherwise, things are really good. I see so much more than I was willing to before. Very liberating even now. smile

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2129412 - 02/11/11 04:17 PM Re: The year of not my problem [Re: AJM]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 2939
Venting again. Seems therapeutic.
Was talking to my grandmother last night. Like I hinted at last post, I see things very differently. One of the things that was very hard for me is to not be believed. Most, if not all people (and rightfully so) that cared to listen, figured the issue were shared and 50/50. The frustrating part is that it wasn't. I can say that with surety. Did I have some things to address? Of course. I'm not saying that. I'm saying that the reasons for the split were not because of my action or inaction. That made it hard for a long time to accept. Very powerless in that situation and very lonely because nobody believes which caused me to doubt myself. Weird, but seems like a fairly normal response in my view.
One example was my wife's uncle who probed me trying to believe the lies she spread. He was uncertain and was siding with family (of course, right?) Later, after he met her boyfriend and talked to his niece for a little while, his response changed to "Oh." That was frustrating to me. Maddening.
What was happening simultaneously was that I was doubting myself. Crazy I know, but is what it is. Said I wasn't perfect, didn't I? smile
I realized a long time, after looking back, that I'll never really know the reason. Too many conflicting reasons given, although I have several theories as if they matter. They don't.
Why write this? In hopes that it may help others should they stumble across this. I don't regret my actions. Not at all. I stood for my values and kept my integrity. I fought for my wife and my family. I still fight for my kids and doubt that will end for a while with regards to her. They will get to a point where they make their own decisions and until then I encourage their relationship with their mother - for all of their sakes. Regardless of her actions and decisions, nobody deserves to be alientated from their children or their mother. I personally have nothing to talk to her about, but I can see my kids want to have a realtionship with her. It used to hurt to see. It hurts a lot less. I would guess it may be hurt a little until the D is final. That's ok. I suspect I'll be annoyed by the silly things she feels entitled to until then as well. That's also ok.
Don't get me wrong, there are things we have to discuss because of the kids. And I'll have to see her because of the kids. It's annoying that she cannot look me in the eye, but no more so than anyone else that doesn't look me in the eye. Email and text messages and lawyers are all conduits that can be used to communicate the required information - I'm not worried about that.
I'm sure I'll never understand why. I've stopped trying to be honest. It really and honestly makes no difference any longer. It used to, and I haven't forgotten that it used to. It wouldn't even be nice to know any longer nor would I trust her if she tried to tell me. I know that.
Does it still hurt? A little. It was 20 years ya know smile

Anyhow, just posting to vent and perhaps leave something for somebody else at a later date should they need it.

Take care,

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2129427 - 02/11/11 04:59 PM Re: The year of not my problem [Re: AJM]
DumpedforMIL Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 964
very helpful ajm.

i stopped talking about my sitch simply because my family says no one would believe me. and yes, the things that have occurred in my marriage were unbelieveable.

a husband who orders a burger with no ketchup .. oops, the burger has ketchup in it. "wife, can you go exchange this for a burger without ketchup?" .. "h, why can't you do it? it's your burger." .. "i don't want them to think i'm high maintenance like a woman .. i'm a man, y'know."

or .. "w, you owe me the interest charge on my credit card bill because you forgot to remind me to pay on time."

you're right. nobody wants to believe me. cuz the more issues that come out of my mouth, the more "is he insane?!" i get asked. it's like fiction.

so i hear ya, ajm. i hear ya.

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#2130824 - 02/15/11 12:49 PM Re: The year of not my problem [Re: DumpedforMIL]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 2939
Like fiction. Yep, very surreal and yet, as I meet more people I find not nearly as uncommon as I'd like to think. Shame too.

I've been rethinking things lately. Not because I need to change anything but because we're getting to the end of the agreement negotiations. I meet with the lawyer on thursday to finalize. Know what? I really am the lucky one. Not financially, but that's inconsequential. But because I stuck to my morals, ethics, and integrity throughout. I loved and likely still do love her deeply. Yet differently. I'm ok with that.

Many people laugh at me when I say I don't want to talk to her. Or they look knowingly at me like, "he'll learn". What I've come to find out is that I don't want to talk to her, not because I hate her. I don't. I don't want to talk to her because I'm not a masochist. Most conversations revolve around what she wants from me. As I look back I realize there were years of the relationship slowly becoming more and more one-way. Of her sabotaging my relationships with the kids, but mostly with my son. I realize that whatever issues she has, she projected them onto me. I suspect a lot of it is with her dad, but that's just supposition and that line of thinking provides no value. It's just that I'm still struggling with the sanity of it all. Only to realize that there isn't any smile

That's ok. I wish her well and hope she does well. I'm sure she will do well actually. And I'm very grateful she is at least spending more quality time with the kids regardless of why.

I posted to vent. Because the legal aspects do carry some stress since I have to be in protective mode and have to think about the situation more than I'd like. Venting like this helps.

I realize I'm not over her. I also realize there is no going back (that I can see). That's ok. I'm happy and fully expect to be happier as time goes on. I also fully expect to have these various emotions as we near the divorce time. Once the sep agreement is in place, I don't have to see her or talk to her until son's confirmation. I'm happy about that as well. There will be a little bit of back and forth email for daughter's birthday and mother's day, but otherwise no comm. I like that. I've been quite peaceful and happy without comm.
Sometimes I've been introspective and wondered why I didn't see some of this as clearly as I do now. I know why, but I rethink it just because that's how I am. smile

Anyway, things are going well. My daughter is rapidly changing and becoming a young lady. Was teaching her to drive a stick shift the other day. I feel like a milkshake but she's doing it well. My son and I are planning something for my 40th birthday. We'll have to drag my daughter along though - she's 15 almost 16 and doesn't always want to say she wants to do things even if she does. smile

Later,

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

Top
#2131915 - 02/17/11 10:53 AM Re: The year of not my problem [Re: AJM]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 2939
Just more venting....
My daughter last night wanted me to talk to her mother. The issue is that both of us has promised she will have a car to drive when ready. I have one for her - it's the one I previously wrecked and am repairing. I tried to tell her I was not going to talk to her mother about it, but that if her mom wanted to say something about she could. I explained that her mom doesn't want to talk to me and I really don't want to talk to her either, but that I would if needed. At this point I don't see the need. I hate being in that position though. It grates on my nerves.
I realize I'm raw and I realize why - I have to talk to the lawyer again today to see just how we'll finalize the sep agreement. It's almost done.

What grates on me is that the ex has, from my perspective, destroyed my family, acted like a monster, and blamed me and yet, it's still not over. More to go. My guess is that there will always be "something" that comes up, and that I'll be a little raw until the divorce is final. Hence the venting.

Been frustrating to go through this. I know there wasn't anything I did to deserve this. That's taken a while to get to while searching for my part in this. I know that she sabotaged my relationships with the kids during the last years together and so it's better that she's gone. I just didn't see that at the time in those terms. I knew something wasn't right, but didn't see what it was until much later. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to blame her. I'm trying to be realistic. I think I am. I don't hate her. I'm annoyed by her and deeply distrust her. I have lots of reasons to distrust her and it's much healthier for me to do that until proven otherwise. If proven otherwise. I am not a masochist smile

I received an email from her mom last night. Her mom needs serious help. I've been told that many times, but it is becoming more apparent. I'm concerned she may have some early alzheimer's symtpoms. Not that she is terribly forgetful, but...odd. I know she is a control freak and not terribly happy wiht her daughter's choices, but some of the emails are just odd. Starting to wonder....and I hope I'm wrong and just taking something out against her in that regard.

Enough venting. Time to get back to work. I'll talk to the lawyer later today and hopefully finalize the offer/agreement etc and can move on in peace.

Life is good. Don't get me wrong. Just annoyed at the battle raging even after all this time. Her rage (yes, it was absolute rage - aimed at me in many ways) still seems to continue in subtle and hidden ways. I don't understand it and realize I never will. Knowing that brings peace and sometimes helps with compassion - I'd hate to have to carry that even compared to what I am still trying to not carry. I still have anger but mostly due to hurt. Most of the time I don't even think about it, but I think while we get to the end of the agreement phase, I'm having to see it in my face and possibly revisiting some of it due to that. That's ok too in my opinion. I want it all gone. Even though I can see it will be a while longer....

Peace
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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