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#2170980 - 07/24/11 09:02 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
I must be a real, teeny tiny boy then....


The in-between times are often the toughest times. Idle time lets us think, and naturally we think about what is freshest on our mind - our crisis.


It's ok. Just make sure that you regain your balance, as you said, before they return. You've been in a good place for the first few days of their trip. Just need to get yourself back there.



Remember the mantra. All you can control is you. And how well you control you is a much bigger influence than anything that is going on with your wife. A good you is the best approach to what lies ahead.


You can do this. Find your peace again.



Blessings,

Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

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#2171048 - 07/25/11 07:39 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Bworl]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Thank you. You really help me get back on track. I don't know what I would do without this place and the good people in it.

I didn't sleep well last night. Just restless. I was on the couch and my dog was missing his family too apparently. Because he was all over me.

Got up early to train. Didn't feel like it. But there are many times I don't feel like doing the things I should. When I was done and in the shower I missed my wife's call. They're heading home. Can't wait.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2171059 - 07/25/11 09:06 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Have a tough one on the phone when I finally talked to her. She seems down because she's leaving her sister behind. They don't get to see each other that often and it's tough to pull them away.

I tried to encourage her but I don't think I helped much.

So what do I do? Yeah. I tried reading into it too deep. I need to stop doing that.

For God's sake, man. Just stop.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2171101 - 07/25/11 11:53 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
MHL Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/09
Posts: 1349
Originally Posted By: tpc1977


But, it's what she used (or still does for all I know) with the other man. I don't want to be him. I want to be someone totally different. Yet, I want to be someone that interests her.



Do you know for a fact that she "sexted" with the OM? I don't ask this because I want to know about her but rather more about you and what you do and don't know.

This is why things change as you move from "detaching" yourself from her actions/words to "re-attaching" yourself to her.....

AND

it is okay, it is acceptable, it is an expectation and expectations are okay in a normal healthy marriage.

It is okay that I would "expect" that my wife not have an affair with another man......that is taking it to an extreme but you can grasp what I am saying.

When people come here we preach, plead, yell and otherwise beat people over the head to detach, detach, DETACH........right??

Well we get so used to that and it becomes part of who we are that we almost forget how to re-attach, whether it is with our spouses or someone new.

I have recently had challenges in this area as I am building a new life with my girlfriend, I have had discussions with someone else on the boards here recently about this very subject so it is "top of mind" for me also.

Originally Posted By: tpc1977

What should I do? Should I tell her how I feel? Which I'm afraid will totally squelch what we have going right now.

She's even told me she loves and missing me really bad.


This is where the advice might vary from person to person here on the boards and you know your sitch best and will make the decision that is right for you.

I will give you what "I think" but more importantly I want to explain the pitfalls of starting "reconciliation" without having laid out your "expectations" or "boundaries".

There are plenty of threads in piecing where the couple start "working" on the marriage again and the LBS never lays out a "plan" to help re-build trust again.....as a result this causes great pain and difficulty for the LBS and often will sabotage the reconciliation.

TPC,
This in a nutshell is your real dilema.........

Originally Posted By: tpc1977

She's even told me she loves and missing me really bad.


From her perspective and in her mind she may have already decided that she is going to "work on her marriage".

You guys already have one foot in "reconciliation'" or "piecing" and no one wants to see that progress erased.

however

without addressing your concerns

without addressing her concerns

without open and honest communication

the likelyhood that it will fail is high.

In Divorce Remedy MWD talks about how the LBS is responsible for carring on the marriage all by themselves and that is true.

When you move into piecing you are starting to move back to where both people are starting to "share" that responsibility again.

That is why reconciliation is sooooo hard, much harder than surviving the initial shock of the bomb and the time that immediately follows.

The WAW is trying to move from a place where it is "all about them" to one where they are once again a willing, responsible partner in a committed relationship and they have obligations to the relationship.

If you do not handle communicating your needs to your W in the right way then you risk the marriage......which is the fear you spoke of earlier.

Quite normal......for everyone.

Fear is not a good reason to avoid having a conversation with your W........ever.

Fear is ultimately what drives most of us to stop communicating with our spouses in the first place and probably is one of the main reasons our marriages got into trouble in the first place.

I think that you should welcome your W home with the girls and let that pass, there will be some anxiety of coming back together for both of you, no need to add to that feeling.

When the time is right for you and when you and your W can have some uninterupted time, I would suggest that you ask your W what she is feeling and what she wants moving forward.

You could state that you have enjoyed the time you guys have been together recently and the communication that you have had, after which you may ask "Are we working on us now?"

She will probably respond yes, after which you might share with her that you are happy with her decision and that you too want to "work" on the marriage.

I would not go into any details at that time about things you need or want from her, rather I would suggest finding a good pro-marriage counselor to have that discussion in front of. It is a safe environment for you both to start communicating again.

more later.......

cheers
_________________________
Formerly known as "missherlove"

Me43 XW43
M17 T19
S10 D14

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison

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#2171110 - 07/25/11 12:31 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: MHL]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3692
I would agree...

TP, When you first started dating your wife, did you ever once ask her on a date to " Talk about your trust issues" ?

I would venture that that did not happen.

Some of your faith, and how it runs through you should be a part of this right now.

Have YOU addressed the things internally, that you needed to address ? Not because SHE wanted to see change, rather that YOU wanted to be different in those regards...

Maybe it's not a lack of faith, rather a lack of trust, in your faith ?

What do you envision your future with her looking like ?

How do you get there ?

Often, we work toward our goals , sometimes without even thinking in those terms..

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#2171116 - 07/25/11 12:46 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: MHL]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I did catch her sexting the other man a few weeks back. I was told it stopped. But she lied before and we really haven't done anything to work on the trust issue.

What I've been doing more, but on the same line, was to be more romantic with my texts. Yes, flirty. But more subtle and definitely more passionate. I could tell that she was intrigued. At first, she wanted to get to it. I told her to be patient and let me slow us down a bit. I wanted to be more expressive with the details. More relaxed and gentle but passionate. She did slow down and it seemed to work. That is, until my phone started screwing up. All weekend my phone has been a problem. So we never got to finish. (And I was just at her hips. :P )

If this is what she needs to help her I'm all over it. No, I don't want to be like the other guy. I want to be better. I want her to feel as though this is really what's she wanted all along.

She should be home today. And I'm definitely going to try and find out what her goals are for us. But, like you said, I'm not going to push the issue right now. I want her to feel at home and at peace. She needs a little time. Hopefully we can connect tonight and just be loving. Hopefully that will happen. But again, I'm not going to force it.

I have a question here. Would writing out our goals separately help in any way? You know, about us and our marriage?

What about writing out questions we have for each other? Or expectations?

Just want your input on this.

And I appreciate all the help here. It really means so much. You guys are great.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2171122 - 07/25/11 12:56 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Mach1]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Originally Posted By: Mach1
I would agree...

TP, When you first started dating your wife, did you ever once ask her on a date to " Talk about your trust issues" ?

I would venture that that did not happen.

Some of your faith, and how it runs through you should be a part of this right now.

Have YOU addressed the things internally, that you needed to address ? Not because SHE wanted to see change, rather that YOU wanted to be different in those regards...

Maybe it's not a lack of faith, rather a lack of trust, in your faith ?

What do you envision your future with her looking like ?

How do you get there ?

Often, we work toward our goals , sometimes without even thinking in those terms..



Thank you. A lot of this hits home. I need a moment because I would like to address some of these. But I need time.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2171124 - 07/25/11 12:59 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
MHL Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/09
Posts: 1349
TPC,

If she was actually, "sexting" the OM a few weeks ago then the affair was not over and while you have been patient it may be time to do things differently.

I think tonight should be exactly as you said....a time for you two to reconnect emotionally, and possibly physically.....that is up to you and what you are comfortable with......

I think that once you show her that things are "safe" for her then that would be a good opportunity to have a discussion, maybe tomorrow night.

What is absent from your relationship right now is a "verbal" re-committment to the marriage for both of you......

that is the only thing that you need to talk about.

You want to know where her intentions are and you need to also let her know what your intentions are..........

meaning......

You need to tell her that you are committed to her as her loving husband and while you know that things will be hard at times she is worth it and your marriage together is worth it.

I would hope that she can articulate the same to you......after that you guys can talk about the "mechanics" of the reconciliation.......

Once you know she is committed then you can come back here with a list and we can help you with how to word your "needs".....

and also be receptive to hers.

Cheers
_________________________
Formerly known as "missherlove"

Me43 XW43
M17 T19
S10 D14

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison

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#2171134 - 07/25/11 01:33 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3692
Originally Posted By: tpc1977
Originally Posted By: Mach1
I would agree...

TP, When you first started dating your wife, did you ever once ask her on a date to " Talk about your trust issues" ?

I would venture that that did not happen.

Some of your faith, and how it runs through you should be a part of this right now.

Have YOU addressed the things internally, that you needed to address ? Not because SHE wanted to see change, rather that YOU wanted to be different in those regards...

Maybe it's not a lack of faith, rather a lack of trust, in your faith ?

What do you envision your future with her looking like ?

How do you get there ?

Often, we work toward our goals , sometimes without even thinking in those terms..



Thank you. A lot of this hits home. I need a moment because I would like to address some of these. But I need time.



Time.....

Such a gift..

To be able to give, AND recieve...

Take all that you need to process....

Just remember to give all that needs to be given, as well....

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#2171164 - 07/25/11 03:11 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Mach1]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
You have to fight against being driven by her words or moods.

If she's feeling down, that's not a bad omen for you.

More importantly, her feeling down doesn't have to mean you feel down or nervous or anxious or whatever...


I'm worried that you're expecting her return to signal the beginning of this team effort to rebuild your marriage. You've actually had a pretty good week even though you were apart, you've seen and felt some positive vibes in the relationship, and I'm worried that you are going to naturally expect what you see as the next step.


We've never talked much on here about your wife's issues, but from the little that you've shared (going to NA, lost two jobs to using, an affair...), I get the impression that your wife has some serious work to do on herself, maybe even before she can really commit herself to focusing on the two of you.



Just don't be in a hurry. That is so often the downfall. Expectations can be a killer.



If you're centered, if you're keeping yourself solid, if you're continuing to do the work on yourself and feeling good about how you are becoming and where you are...THAT is what keeps you at peace when interacting with her.


Never deal with your wife from a position of need or weakness. It will open the door to you doing or saying things you'll want to take back at some point.


Think about those verses on true love. Think on those as you wait for them to get home. Let those ideas guide you.



Blessings,

Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

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