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TPC,

I wish I had a great solution on that one.

I am sure that you have read plenty on the subject. There is certainly a wealth of reading on it both here, in DR and other books.

I know from what I have read in other books part of the solution is help from the spouse that had the affair...but that usually assumes that the spouse is onboard 100% in doing whatever they can to make up for the transgressions.

I noticed that you posted to the other poster in this forum that you do not wish to "know" much about the OM and that is certainly a healthy stance to take, most want to know everything.

Sometimes that is good, sometimes bad......

I think that with time as you re-establish "trust" with your W you will be able to share with each other your individual fears.

Let me clarify the "trust" I speak of.....it is NOT the trust of her being where she says she is going to be nor trusting in what she says is true.

The "trust" I speak of is that she and you can trust one another be be a "safe place" for the other to confide in.....no matter the topic.

That means that you accept how she "feels" about something even though you disagree 100% but yet you show understanding and don't invalidate her feelings by immediately sharing your opposing point of view. Sometimes that means you bite your tongue and let her get it out.

You will find that when you establish that trust then there will be a true openess between you two. Generally speaking it is fear of how our spouse will respond that prevents us from sharing our true feelings.

For now you may have to "carry your own water" on the affair.....I am not so sure that she is ready to "hear" your feelings as she is still sorting hers out.

This is the "WORK", it is hard but in the end it will pay you dividends, it also teaches you patience and builds character..........it will change you and make you better.

Hard to see now......guess you will have to trust me laugh.

Cheers


Formerly "missherlove"

Me49 XW49
M17 T19
S16 D20

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison
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Hey TPC,

How are things going??


Formerly "missherlove"

Me49 XW49
M17 T19
S16 D20

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison
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Hey T....


Wondering how you are doing......

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On vacation. Wife has been wonderful. We've been like newlyweds.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted By: tpc1977
On vacation. Wife has been wonderful. We've been like newlyweds.


Now that is the kind of "how are things going" I like to hear.

Happy for you TPC!!!!

smile smile smile

Cheers


Formerly "missherlove"

Me49 XW49
M17 T19
S16 D20

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 197
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tpc1977 Offline OP
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Only one incident while on vacation: My wife has been extremely needy. I had to be right with her every moment. If I wasn't paying her attention then she was a bit upset. Not mad. But kind of sad. I asked her about it and she matter of factly told me that she did want me next to her all the time. Unfortunately, we were with my family - about ten of us all together. So, I wanted to be with everyone.

At first, she was a little upset but understood. On the last day her and my daughter spent time alone at the ocean while the rest of us stayed at the pool.

Also, she did really well with the drinking. She had a couple here and there but kept everything under control. Not once was she in a bad mood, upset, stressed, or mean. She was just about perfect in every way.

Me? Well, I need some more work on my patience. She told me that I was way better than before but still could use a Chill pill every once in a while.

When I am tired or there is a lot going on around me I can get very anxious and impatient. And it shows. But I tried to really pay attention to my behavior and told my wife to monitor me constantly. It helped.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,350
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The "WORK" we do on ourselves is never really done.

I ask myself the same things about bad past behaviors.....I have changed definitely........

however

Am I capable of acting that way again????

sure, I am.....I think that it is easy to fall back into old habits.........I think the growth in us or the change in us is recognition of that behavior when it happens.

If you make a mistake, say something or do something.....own it, apologize for it, LEARN from it.....and move on.

Your W is going to need as much re-assurance from you as you need from her.....in many ways she will need more.

I am fortunate enough to have a friend from the boards here that is local to me.......he and his W reconciled about 9 months ago.

I can tell you that in the first 4 to 5 months his W was absolutely a basket case about the girlfriend he had while they were apart.....she was the WAW.

My friend, however had to do a TON of reassurance to his W because his W feared that he would leave her for his girlfriend........it seemed odd at the time but if you stop and think about it most WAW's feel a tremendous amount of guilt and fear that if they return to the marriage that they will eventually be dumped by their husbands.

The fact that your W wants to be close to you physically is reassuring to her.

Continue to share your feelings honestly with your W and make sure that the communication is always open. You may find that at times when you are listening to her that you may have an emotional reaction to what you she is saying......make sure you are a "safe" place for her to share her feelings.

Cheers


Formerly "missherlove"

Me49 XW49
M17 T19
S16 D20

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 197
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Last night we had a good talk. At least, she had a good talk. She told me about her temptations with drugs and alcohol and how she's overcoming them. She told me that she loved talking to me at telling me all this and that she needs it more often. She also expressed her fear with me and who I used to be and the thoughts of me falling back into my old self.

She does need as much reassurance as I do right now. I could really tell that when she was talking. I want to give this to her as much as she needs. I wrote her a heart-felt email this morning telling her so and how proud I was of her last week when we were at the beach.

She was hit from many directions with temptation but remained very strong and upbeat the entire week. I was so proud of her and told her so many times. It was almost like she was a new woman with new strengths that I've not seen in a long time.

Tomorrow I'm going with her again to her NA meeting. I got a lot out of it last time and I'm looking forward to it.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,350
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Writing her a heartfelt email....

Going to her NA meeting.....

Being her sounding board....

ALL OF IT is reassuring....

You are making deposits in her "LOVE" account....

They will pay you dividends later.....

Prayers for you and your family.....

Remember to take care of yourself.

How is your training going??

Has the tense feeling subsided that you were having a couple of weeks ago?


Formerly "missherlove"

Me49 XW49
M17 T19
S16 D20

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 197
T
tpc1977 Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 197
I'm feeling a lot better these days. Not as tense. Thank you.

My training is good. I had a setback when I didn't complete one of my goals this year to get my upgrade to race Pro/Am. There are only a small handful of chances left this season and it's possibly not going to happen.

But that's OK. I had to focus on much more important things this year.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
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