Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
X
XYZ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
X
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
Thanks Jack. So W just called me back.....

We just had our first full fledged R talk. I feel so much better. She's committed. She mentioned that we both have some "self-preservation" going on and we discussed some of the efforts she is making and how we see this MC process going.

I won't go into much more detail other than to say I feel much much better then I did before this talk.


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
X- would an "I told you so" about MC be too much of jerk. just kidding.

Jack - Geez forget one word and you have a lot of questions for me. the word BTW was "other" as in other DBers. You've seen enough of my posts to know my typing isn't exactly world-class.

Back to the "Progress Report" - I used this in a way that was help. It wasn't so much to record "baby steps." Because, that's not how I saw them. In fact the actions were all over the map and it was when I was solidly in piecing. I would never call them baby steps because they weren't. They were done to remind myself of the ways my W was trying. X said that he didn't see an actions from the W. Maybe there were actions, but he glossed them over or forgot. Maybe there weren't. The "report" was a way to remind myself of those actions. Like I said, I almost never went back to read them. It wasn't never meant to be seen as anything other than what they were for the moment. (Okay maybe when we ML, I kinda read into THAT).

They also performed another vital function. In a lot of the books, I've read about marriage there seems to be one theme. (among many) that is you have to have a positive view of your spouse. These items in the report helped cultivate those positive thoughts.

I kinda brushed off the criticism. However, since I am NOT in piecing now. I don't do them anymore. No need. My W does a pretty good job of telling me exactly where we are.


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
My apologize Harrier. : )

I'm glad you weren't setting yourself apart.

Quote:

I've read about marriage there seems to be one theme. (among many) that is you have to have a positive view of your spouse


I like that alot.
Too often the LBSer tends to fall into the trap of vilifying the spouse, and once that happens...I think it becomes very hard NOT to stop doing that.

Quote:

My W does a pretty good job of telling me exactly where we are.


Stop asking.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
X
XYZ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
X
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
A few unrelated thoughts...

First, yup, Harrier you told me so, and you were right one. I think we both fall into the trap of hearing something here and not thinking it applies to us. Sometimes it doesn't and often all of the sitchs are just alike...

Second, sometimes I re-read my stuff and man do I sound needy. I want to say that 70% of the time my moods are steady and "normal". 15% I am high and happy, 15% low and give-up-ish (is that at least close enough to a word?). It's during those 15% of give-up-ish moods that I write these things here. It's cathartic. I feel better after. You guys give me reminders that lead to hope. I guess the reason I'm saying this is I don't want you all to think I'm really that wimpy guy. This is just my outlet. Around the W I'm almost NEVER like that. I did say almost, but it's pretty close to never never. Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest. You'll most likely never know me in the real world, but if you did I wouldn't want to be thought of as a wimp.

Third, something else I've noticed is the progression of changes in my W. It goes something like this: some improvement (depth, length or happiness of conversation for example) appears first in an electronic communication (usually TM). Later, that improvement shows up in a verbal via telephone conversation, and lastly in person. That makes sense to me. If I had to deliver a message to someone and I wasn't sure about it, the most comfortable way to do it would be via email or text. The least - in person. This progression makes sense. I've seen that pattern several times over the past weeks. Today for the first time in a long time, W twice made sexually explicit jokes - both in a TM. Is this the start of a new round of up-ing the ante? Maybe and I sure hope so.

Forget the X that wimped yesterday. That was me crying in my beer. The X from Sunday is who I really am and I am back - at least until the next time I cry in my beer. And when that happens, you'll all be here for me and understand where I'm coming from and for that I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Quote:

I'm really that wimpy guy. This is just my outlet


uh-huh...

wink

Quote:

Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest. You'll most likely never know me in the real world, but if you did I wouldn't want to be thought of as a wimp.


Well not for a lack of trying on a certain marine fighter jet's part.

You're not a whimp.

This isn't easy. Better to stress and express doubts here.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
X
XYZ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
X
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
I'm not a whimp, but I can't spell for [censored].


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
Whoooooosh!

Dont worry, X. I know forum personas are like 1/10 of the real person (though I am beginning to question if there is a REAL X. ;-) )

Alot of time the forum can be a place for that stuff.

I wont say nada aboot yur speeling.


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
X
XYZ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
X
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
I have kids this weekend. Mucho texting from W. At one point she's talking about missing the kids. Then she busts out with...

"I'm missing you much more now, too. ily"

Smiles for the X.


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 482
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 482
X- I used the boards to vent and journal SO MUCH and it really helped....usually.

I re-read my journal from last year and I was SO NEEDY and grasped onto every little good thing he said and did! THEN, there was a point where I re-worked the DB strategies and became positive, fun, carefree again. I liked that concept about focusing on the task at hand. That strategy definitely worked for us. I didn't do any needy stuff around H. He was getting things out of his system and I just rode the roller coaster. He seemed to really respond to my reassurances that I was IN. Things were such a mess, but I said I was committed. We slowly began to work on US and now he uses the US word all the time. It's not about healing ME anymore, it's about healing US and that feels really good. Just hang in there! Stay positive and BE the counter-force from what you both need to heal.

Ironically, we BOTH have been expressing our neediness to each other (in this piecing) and it's all good. That is a level of intimacy we never dared to venture into before. We both felt we had to keep a strong facade up.


M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
X
XYZ Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
X
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
I'm not in sales, but I know buying questions/comments when I see them.

In a conversation with W last night, I got these comments:

"What will we do with the furniture in the apartment?" .... "Let's donate it. I don't want it here"

"No bitching about putting up the family Christmas tree this year, ok?"

"I want us"

No discussion on When yet, but I like the signs....


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Page 6 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard