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#2170026 - 07/21/11 05:13 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
I do, but I haven't told her. In my case, there's no affair. That would be an easy one for me. Our "stuff" was all so much less tangible.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it is that I really need from her. Not symptoms, but root things. I think there are really one 2 things I need:

(1) to be the most important relationship in her life. That doesn't mean only relationship and it doesn't mean together all the time or anything like that. I just need to feel like I'm the most important.

(2) I need her to do what she says and if she can't, to just say so. I need to trust her when she says "I'll do ____" for too many years, I've (internally) rolled my eye and thought "no you won't"

That's it. Nothing more. I've been waiting for MC as a venue to discuss these and we see where that is....

Does this mean that 1 violation of these means I'm done? No. No effort towards working towards these? Yes.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

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#2170032 - 07/21/11 05:25 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11339
Quote:

I do, but I haven't told her.


Until you TELL her there aren't boundaries. You seem to have an idea of when at MC. But to hold her to it when you haven't told her? Wussenstien start wearing a skirt. : )

Quote:

I just need to feel like I'm the most important.


How is that going to feel...how does she make you feel that way. Bravo Juliets every morning? Steak every night? Don't be vague with your boundaries, be specific, no wiggle room.
The problem with this one? It is vague.

You need to feel...feel is the problem. You are responsible for how you feel period. She can influence it.

#2 pretty specific and pretty dam good. Alot of people have a problem saying NO. There are a few books about it, might be worth checking out.

Quote:

No effort towards working towards these? Yes

How long? Have a time frame, AND talk about it, encourage; guide; lead.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#2170042 - 07/21/11 05:46 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Until you TELL her there aren't boundaries. You seem to have an idea of when at MC. But to hold her to it when you haven't told her? Wussenstien start wearing a skirt. : )

I don't normally take too well to be called a Wussenstien, but I'll let it slide this once. How's that for a boundary? lol Kidding.

I agree. It's not fair to not tell her and then hold her accountable. Totally agree.

My problem is this: We don't live together. I try to make every interaction we have pleasant and upbeat. I don't start R talks. I've been "saving" my R issues for MC - viewing that as a venue where R talks are expected and, in fact, moderated. So, my quandary is do I initiate an R talk prior to MC or wait it out? It's also worth noting that W and I have very little time alone without kids and I don't want to email/text something like this. I actually think that too much email/text and too little talk contributed to our downfall in the first place.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2170060 - 07/21/11 06:30 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
X back when I was piecing mine

My issue with your No. 1 was 2 fold.

Our MC helped me gain an understanding of my W and some of her actions. For example, if we were watching a movie, tv, etc. I'd want to engage my wife and have her engage me. That was how I wanted to feel important.

For my W, she showed me I was important but being around me and being comfortable to just sit there and not talk. She was trying to show me I was important, but my message and hers were not the same.

once she understood mine and I understood hers - I felt a lot better.

We also talked bout things we could do to let me know she thought i was important - obviously sex was one, another was carving out time for us two. Say 15-20 min before bed. another having like a date night -although we didn't have to go out. Spending a significant amount of time - no kids, no work. We'd usually watch a movie and/or talk.

Another big one of mine was her having lunch with me during the work week.

you should think of some ideas on how she can show you are important. -She's not going to do all of them, nor should she.

I think for you making the appt is huge for you.

I think many people think of R talks as emotional, wrenching, possible painful. but R talks can be calm, straight forward even light hearted. If it gets too intense, it's okay to take a break.

I saw R talks as another way my W showed me I was important. (I think that's why I went overboard with them.)
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2170142 - 07/21/11 10:44 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Harrier]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Time to eat a little crow, and I'm happy to do it.

Dinner with W & kids tonight. W says to me (totally unsolicited) "I still have not heard back from (her contact on MC). I sure this is starting to feel to you like it's not important to you and I can see why it would".

What I should have said " Who called you and told you to say that? Jack or Harrier?" hahah.

I really said "Yes, I'm trying to see it from your point of view because I know you're really busy and only have like 8 minutes between patients, but I have to be honest and say that it is bothering me and it is starting to feel like it's not important."

Her: "I get that. It really is important and I'm sure it's frustrating for you."

Me: "Can I help? I can call them. Why don't you tell me a few times that work with your schedule and I'll call and get it done."

Her: "Oh that would be great. You sure you don't mind?" [Editors Note: Duh I totally f-ing don't mind. I so don't mind that I'd have done 4 weeks ago if you'd said ok when I first suggested it! But ok....all cool.]

She proceeds to tell me a few good times. We chatted about therapy and she commented that it will be painful and no fun. I said "yes, and it will be worth it". She said "yes, I totally agree. It will be worth it."

Before dinner I decided I would do some light flirting tonight. I did and it felt good. Nice. Even more eye contact than last week. At one point I told her that I was really looking forward to kissing her again. She replied that she was really looking forward to wanting me to kiss her again.

Only downside.... W made a comment about needing a vacation. I said "cool, I'll go" and winked. She said "no, not ready for that." Ok, guess I should expect it, but bit of sting. Oh well, shake it off. Big picture.

All-n-all, I'd have to say my mental attitude has pulled a 180 from this morning. Still a hard row to hoe, but at least we're hoeing. And I don't meant that in the fun way.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2170147 - 07/21/11 11:16 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
See that was a mini R talk. I'm glad you had it.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

Top
#2170148 - 07/21/11 11:20 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Harrier]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
You and me too, brother. You and me too.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2170227 - 07/22/11 03:45 AM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
Found this quote

"I'm not telling you it's going to be easy, I'm telling you it's going to be worth it." (quote from Art Williams)
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

Top
#2170364 - 07/22/11 05:01 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Harrier]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
We have an appointment for MC next Friday. I couldn't be happier. I know it will be painful and tough, but necessary and worth it. I am very hopeful and optimistic. Just glad to be doing something and not waiting to do something.....

Nine months ago I realistically thought that I was on the verge of divorce, bankruptcy, unemployment and losing my house. Obviously a very tough time. Today, 9 months later, I am VERY hopeful that none of those are going to happen. I think I may have dodged 4 major bullets....
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2170369 - 07/22/11 05:13 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11339
Level those expectations X...

Not being a wet blanket.

Your best interests are served by...being a little more emotionally dettached.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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Moderator:  Jack_Three_Beans, Virginia 

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