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#2170371 - 07/22/11 05:17 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Ahhh. The experienced voice of reason once again raises his head.....thanks, I needed that.

Note to self: walk, don't run.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

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#2170867 - 07/24/11 04:19 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
This will be a little on the long side and I think the end result is really nice....

I have to give a little background for this to make sense: W has this friend (female). They starting spending time together only a few months before our bomb. Friend is also in the midst of a D after 20-something years of marriage. I know that friend is over at the house a lot because kids talk about her. I've met her and she's nice, but around a bunch.

I had the kids from end of school on Friday until this (Sunday) morning. Had a bunch of fun. LOTs of checking in from W. I drop off the kids this morning and W says "oh you're earlier then I expected". Friend's car is in the garage (in my spot, no less). Friend is in the shower. There are two bras on the coffee table. Shoes everywhere. An empty Vodka bottle in the kitchen. W seems a bit nervous. As I leave, she very clearly says "ILY"

I leave. 5 minutes later, I get a TM: "Sorry the house is a mess, I wasn't expecting you guys this early. ily". I didn't respond. 5 minutes later she re-sends it. I reply "No worries. ily". A few minutes later, she sends "What are you up to today? ily" I send back: "You'd tell me if that was more than a friendship, right? I'm 99% sure that's all it is and I need to hear you confirm it. I mean no insult, I just need to get that out of my head. ily"

W replies: "oh my gosh, yes, just friends. I didn't know you thought that. We hang out on days we don't have the kids, just helps. Just friends. I promise. Ily2"

I reply: "Ok, I believe you. To be honest I'm jealous. Not of her, but only that she gets to spend time with you and I don't. ILY.

She says she understands. We joke about how normally I'd think an empty Vodka bottle and 2 bras on the table was a good thing, but today it hit me weird. She jokes that "chicks don't hang out like guys do.". I agreed. Can't remember ever having taken my boxers off while hanging with a buddy.

(I'll save you the details. Lots of discussion. SEVERAL time W says "I'm so sorry you thought that, I can see where you'd get that from and how that wouldn't feel good. Besides, you know I don't like girls.")

Later in the conversation W says "We will get this all worked out, I love you"

Me: "I know we will and you are worth the wait. Can't make a fine wine overnight."

Her: "Very true and at least we both are willing to stomp the grapes!"

(Later - she initiates contact again - about the 4th time in 4 hours.)

Blah blah blah - admin/money stuff and then...

W: "I wish we could fast forward, ily"

Me: "Me too. And I wish more to have the next 50 years be unimaginable with you. I won't give up that goal for the benefits of a few more weeks (hopefully). I'm ready when you are and not a second before. ily"

(couple more things and then sign off).

I really like this progress. I like how she's thinking and I can clearly see her thinking about ME and US and not just Her. This is very nice. Feeling pretty good right now.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2171127 - 07/25/11 05:18 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
W mid-day TM check in. Very nice.

I only write this here so that next week when something bad happens, I can re-read the good and remember that it's not a straight line and we have more up than downs right now...

Looking forward to first MC on Friday....
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2171135 - 07/25/11 05:34 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
I don't know if I'd look forward to the first MC. Just kidding.

When we first went to MC, it was almost always positive. I think it helped my W and I communicate to each other with a third person in the room. He was a good therapist too.

But remember that it might not get tough right away and if your W is like mine, it took a day or so to let things sink in.

My W and I would both tell you it was a positive even though we are where we are at now.

But don't assume it's going to be bad. Go in with an open mind completely.

your weekend story was...ummmmm...interesting. My W too has a friend who's divorce will be finalized next month. This friend keeps wanting my W to spend some "girl" time with her and my W isn't too keen on it.

I hope you realize that what you write here has no bearing on your real life. ;-)
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2172383 - 07/29/11 02:17 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Harrier]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
hope the MC goes decently.

It's one more step closer in the long road.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2172422 - 07/29/11 04:45 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
X, J3B, H,

About that fail wish...not! I have had that too! Weird space for sure!

Mine has morphed and sometimes I imagine that H ran off with ow (who is 24 years younger than H) and she has to put up with his
old man crap. Seems since we got it back together it has been one aging ailment thing after another. She'd have to listen to his belching during the night, can't do hikes or play golf because his knees have developed some mysterious pain, he has a bit of a paunch growing....on & on.

I imagine them in a dank dark apartment. She's chain smoking and playing World of Warcraft for hours on end. He sits in a chair watching TV and clicking all over. They are both drunk and the only thing in the fridge is a 12 pack of beer, no food. They've both lost their jobs because of the A and he can't get a job anywhere near what he had because he's 55 and she's relegated to be an assistant of one type or another because she's such an underachiever. She hates his paunch because she's a narcissistic anorexic and he promised he's never gain weight!

ooopps sorry...got carried away...didn't mean to hyjek.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

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#2172424 - 07/29/11 04:50 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: MynameisMZ]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
So waiting to hear how MC went. Hope you write before I go away!

I was thinking....you said your W is a counselor herself? Maybe she has been self-conscious and feeling like she knows everyone and everyone knows her??? Just a thought. It must be hard to trust that someone will be good when you know the profession yourself. Like finding a good doctor when you are a doctor, something like that.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
#2172473 - 07/29/11 06:32 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: MynameisMZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
I would have to say that MC went great. Yes, W is a therapist, but does not work with couples.

This process will be painful and difficult for sure, and I am very optimistic. I'm quite surprised at how deep you can get in only 1 90 min session. Next week is an off week because of schedule issues, then back the following week.

I think both W and I already see that we both caused the other a lot of pain and neither of us did it intentionally -- bad cycles, one of which is already identified.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2172488 - 07/29/11 07:19 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: XYZ]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11339
Quote:

I think both W and I already see


think? Did she say it?

Nit-picking here, but its important. The best way to be surprised is to assume what another person knows.

Other than that, it sounds like a powerful meeting, one with good potential.

Glad you posted X...normally a dearth of posting is a bad sign.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#2172500 - 07/29/11 07:49 PM Re: XYZ is here longer than I ever imagined.... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
I do "think", I don't "know". And I'm not assuming to know. Her words did at least indicate a step towards that if not all the way, and I won't assume too much...

Interesting that this afternoon she has checked in with me 3 or 4 times to just see if I'm "ok".... And in MC, she said that "he's the only one that can make me feel this bad because he's the only person I love this much". That was powerful, hard to hear, and good to hear all at the same time.

Things are going in a good, really good direction. Sorta like driving from New York to LA -- it's a long F-ing way, but if you're headed West you know it's the right direction.

I'm just drained and I think (there I go again with "think") I've taken that out on this board by staying away.

I'm back in the spot, where I can't decide if this board helps me or hurts me. It's both. Sometimes, it's a God-send. Other times, it keep me in the soup and I need to get away from it.

I'm still here and lurking, just haven't felt up to writing lately. HOWEVER, things are better - the best in a year - and getting better. I'm (cautiously) optimistic.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
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Moderator:  Jack_Three_Beans, Virginia 

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