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#2166485 - 07/07/11 07:31 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
As usual, you're exactly right. I have not said anything to her since the day after she told me she'd make the appointment. I do plan to say something on Tuesday. My rationale:

* She knows I'm not patient and has asked me to be patient. I don't want to seem impatient by not giving her the time to do it.

* She told me that'd she's been very busy at work

* She [censored] at doing this type of "admin" type of chore. If I told you how many times she told me she'd go to the bank/call the insurance company/roll over a 401(k)/etc/etc that never got done...

* It would mean so much more to me if she does it without prompting.

So....all of that considered, I decided that next Tuesday at dinner would be long enough for me to mention it without seeming impatient. I'm just hoping she does it before and on her own...
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

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#2166487 - 07/07/11 07:37 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
I guess maybe I'm testing her by seeing if she makes the appointment that she said she'd make.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2166488 - 07/07/11 07:38 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
Quote:

* It would mean so much more to me if she does it without prompting.


I know what you mean.

However, I am still glad when my wife does something for me that I ask her too do that she normally doesn't like doing.

And yes, I realize how open ended I left that if anyone wanted to be a smart a$$ : )
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#2166490 - 07/07/11 07:43 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Yes, if I recall from what seems like ancient history, asking and getting vs. not asking and getting is no contest....
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2166648 - 07/08/11 01:40 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
J23B, as the piecer extraordinaire around here, got a couple of questions for you...

(1) This is silly, but I've had several opportunities lately where I was able to do something or reply to W in such a way that caused her to say "thank you". Usually schedule related - nothing big but out of the norm and for her benefit. Would you consider a "thank you" anything? Or am I looking too hard and she's just being polite? I don't remember many thank you's before but maybe I wasn't doing anything that deserved one either...

(2) The night W gave me back my ring, she was gushing with wonderful words: "I never stopped loving you", "I'm hopeful and committed", "willing to do the work", etc etc. That was 2 weeks ago. In the last 2 weeks, she has typed "ily" frequently, said it often but nothing more gushy than that. I guess it would make sense for her to put that out there and then step back a touch. Did you experience that?

Both of these question almost seem silly to me to be asking as they are so specific and I guess pretty obvious, but for some reason I'd appreciate your comments on them....
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2166652 - 07/08/11 02:12 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
ehhh...

It's like taking pictures of nature or wildlife. 25% skill 75% luck. But thank you.

It isn't silly. Validation during a tough process helps.

1)
The Thank You's. Are you putting too much emphasis on them?
Maybe, but I wouldn't stop putting some sort of emphasis on them.
I would take them for what they are worth, something you haven't heard in a long time. Since you don't remember many, lets just assume you didn't hear them. No matter why...something HAS changed for the good.

Her for doing it. Or you doing something worthy of getting one from her.

Bottom line, you're not going to take them for granted in the future. It's a reward system or sorts.

2)
I guess it would make sense for her to put that out there and then step back a touch. Did you experience that?

smile

Can I say F yes! without you getting offended?

When I say that piecing is harder than any other aspect of DB (MY POV) I really wasn't joking. It's a dance, it's rolling with the punches, its swallowing anger, it's sticking to your guns, its dealing with wanting to run when your partner is just barely crawling, it learning to talk and listen, its controling your emotions when it doesn't seem like they have too...all because you have a distant goal. A distant, worthy goal.

In piecing I held myself more accountable than I held her. I had to have a tight reign on myself and keep a watch over 'old Jack' creeping back in.

Quote:

In the last 2 weeks, she has typed "ily" frequently, said it often but nothing more gushy than that


ILY...what would have given for that... 2 months ago?
Now that you have it?

Not being mean, not bashing you, something to think about.

Now that you have something you desperately wanted (I belive) you're not enjoying it, because you want more.

Once the ILY's would have been all you wanted to hear. 1 would have been fantastic...now? It's lost its shine, its not good enough.

I learned to REALLY appreciate what she could give me when she could give it to me. I still smile when she says she loves me. It's not routine.

I am assuming here, postulating X,

she is willing to do the work, but both of you have to be. It's not all on just her, you know?

I have this idea for me.

Everyday, I want my wife to know she is loved by me, (in this the 5 Languages of Love help)every day, I want her to be glad of her choice in being married to me. Something...even if it's a small gesture. A note, a call, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen about her day, dinner made, a chore she doesn't enjoy, bringng her dinner if she works late. A funny pictue/email. Her favorite ice cream in the freezer when she gets home from a horrible day...
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#2166656 - 07/08/11 02:24 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Jack. Your best post ever. Thank you.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2166659 - 07/08/11 02:29 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Next time I get to AK (only ever been once....), I'm buying you a Salmon or a Polar Bear or whatever it is you people eat up there...to go with that case of beer I already promised.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2166661 - 07/08/11 02:37 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
1 beer will be fine. : ) Alaskan Amber

Can even fish in my backyard.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


Top
#2166668 - 07/08/11 03:02 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
Can I say you are thinking too much about No. 1?
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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Moderator:  Jack_Three_Beans, Virginia 

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