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Jack - Guess I sorta just made your point about...
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Quote:

I know the week isn't over yet, but come on


All hail "But" King of the excuses. : )


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
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Can I join the dope group?

I'll 'splain in a bit


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
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No need to join, we're both founding members.


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
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Piecing is hard. Where have I heard that before?

So, last night had dinner with W & kids. All good, very nice. And then....

About 10:00 W TM me to see if I'm up. I am. She starts talking about her cat that disappeared a month or so ago (the neighbor thought she saw him, but wasn't him. That triggered W...). She's sad about it, I reply something to the effect of "I'm sorry, I liked him because you liked him". Well, OMG. She starts telling me "no you didn't", "you hated him", "you're lieing to me", "you told my mother you hated him", "You never liked pets, I always have", "stop lieing to me".....

WTF. Where's this coming from? The venom and spew comes back.

I replied along the lines of "yes, I did tell you mom I hated him right after he jumped out and scratched my foot, but I know how much you and the kids love him and that means he's important to me too"

I emailed her this morning:

"I need your guidance. A couple of things about last night's conversation bothered me and I would like to discuss them. It's 4 AM and I haven't slept at all and I'm sure you haven't either.

I'm apprehensive bringing it up because I don't want to argue and I feel like in order for us to rebuild a healthy, happy marriage we both have to feel heard and be able to tell the other when something bothers them, so that's what I want to do.

I know you have a long day ahead of you and prefer not to have conversations before work, so this morning probably isn't the best time. Maybe sometime this weekend we can chat? I'd prefer not to talk over text.

ILY"



This morning she apologizes for her "strong response" last night and we can chat later today. All messages end in "ILY"

What the hell is this? I am so confused and I'm so tired of this crap.


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
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I'm sorry that happen, but it will happen again...and again...and again.

I think you will have flare ups from time to time. I don't know if was really about the cat or something else.

Look you know the hot points in your marriage, if not they will come up in MC. You know how to steel yourself.

My take on piecing (when I was doing it) is that there will be flare ups, but its our reaction to those flare ups that matter. My W was very good about saying during the time when we were rebuilding - "we will have R talks and we will have fights."
I'm also of the opinion that a healthy marriage will have disagreements from time to time. I see a red flag when people say "we never fight," but that's just me.

Our problem last year was that the fights would spiral out of control. This year not so much.

Now it's different. I respond to my W in a different way. Last weekend she was really snippy and short with me, in between the times we had fun. I just kinda let it roll off me at the time. The only time I brought it up was on Monday after the weekend mainly because I wanted to make sure I wasn't p!ssing her off somehow.

All the same things still apply. Don't get hung up on one thing...eye on the overall picture. She apologized, accept it, move one.

There's a song I think about at times like these...

"It's not all about you
You're so cynical and vain
Yeah I swear you can't get out of your own way"
--It's not all about you by Face to Face.


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
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I guess I could have gone with "yippee, I never liked that cat anyway". That would have been truthful, but somehow I don't think it would have been a better answer.


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 781
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My take...

correct me if I'm wrong. You seemed to be trying to say something to get in your wife's good graces...like saying you liked the cat.

now I don't know if you hated the cat or secretly loved the cat. But your response didn't seem genuine to her. The "I'm sorry" part was genuine. The rest sounded odd as I read it. Of course, I'm odd.

But you have to rebuild with who you are (the new you) - maybe in this case a guy who didn't like the cat.


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
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I think Harrier is spot on with what he wrote you this morning.

Quote:

I guess I could have gone with "yippee, I never liked that cat anyway". That would have been truthful, but somehow I don't think it would have been a better answer.


I am glad you have your sense of humor still : )

It's piecing XYZ, it's not always a forward path, nor is it all skipping.

Cat's.

I once had a cat, a big (not fat) orange tom cat. Named Red. My dad didn't like that cat, until one day, he was working on building the deck in our backyard, and he sees Red coming toward him from the far edge with this branch in his mouth. Not a stick, a branch. With green leaves still on it, 3 times as long as the cat. Not dragging it either but carrying it in his mouth. My dad stops what he is doing as Red comes up to my dad and puts this branch down at my dad's feet, when he does, this bird explodes from Red's mouth and flies off, between that and the look of utter: "Daaammmmmmmmn IT! on Red face my dad couldn't stop laughing and ended up taking better care of Red than I ever did.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Originally Posted By: Harrier
You seemed to be trying to say something to get in your wife's good graces...like saying you liked the cat.

That's spot on. I would have phrased it as "I was trying to be empathetic and supportive", but at the end of the day what you said is correct. I still wouldn't raise what I said to the level of lying to my wife..., oh well. Moving on.


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 391
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Joined: Oct 2010
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Nice checking in TM from W just now. I know I can't read minds, but it sorta had a vibe of kiss and make up, hold the kiss.


M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11
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