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#2141986 - 03/23/11 12:26 PM I may be walking away if there's no light of hope
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
First off, I posted some time ago in the infidelity forum. My wife had an affair some time ago but we tried to reconcile.

Currently, I think she's still wondering what life would be like without me and with him.

We've been through a lot of deep, hurtful problems in our marriage. Mainly things that have hit us in the wallet and things we will not get out of for a while. My wife (and I hate to say this because I love and respect her so) is to blame. She had done some things to lose her job and it's going to be a while until she can work again. For years now she has blamed herself and put this cloud over her head. This new guy, I believe, has helped her see the sun through the clouds.

Unfortunately, for a long time I didn't help her. I selfishly did my thing to not think about our problems and basically walked away emotionally on her. She built up a huge wall that I've been trying to poke through since late last year. But the wall is high and thick and she's not willing to let me work on breaking it.

What I'm trying to say is that I have done a 180. She notices and my kids notice. I've been at it for many months now. But to no avail. When we talk it always seems to go to her wanting to get out of this mess - and I'm part of it. Last night was no exception. She wants out. I know it. She still holds on to the fact that this other guy is going to give her what she needs through and through. And no matter how hard I show her that I can do it the wall trumps me.

This morning I prayed. For her, us, the kids, and me. But I keep going back to thinking the best thing is to give in to her desire. Mainly to see if it's really what she wants. I asked God to show me a tiny light of hope that I can cling to. A light to show me that there is hope in my battle to break down that wall. If there is not light, I'm walking out - somehow, someway.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2143140 - 03/28/11 02:04 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
ESN Offline
Member

Registered: 03/19/11
Posts: 1566
I was just about to sign off this site because I don't need it at the moment; however, I accidentally saw your post. I watched the movie Fireproof last night. Have you seen it? Very powerful. Try to check it out if you can.

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#2144152 - 03/31/11 05:06 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: ESN]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I was thinking about that movie too. We watched it a while back but it never struck a cord with us at the time. I wonder if it would now?

I may ask her one day. I don't know. Right now I'm the only one trying to suggest things and make things better. She's sitting pretty eating cake. This marriage needs both of us and I have to do what it takes to get her into action. But now it isn't happening.

Still trying to decide if I need to walk out and give her time. I know, I know, I'm sitting on the pot and not doing anything. Things are confusion and complicated right now. Not sure what to do. So I'm praying a lot.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2144855 - 04/04/11 12:42 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I'm trying to stay cool. Really trying.
We're currently read the 5 Love Languages together. Not sure what will come out of it but we're doing it together - so that promising.

I'm also trying to be less pathetic acting at home; down, lost looking, hopeless, and reading too much into things.

The situation is what it is and all I can do is to stay patient, upbeat, good-natured, and somebody my wife would want to be around. The thing is, it's tough as heck. Real tough. Especially when I consider that she had an affair and basically acts like she's holding all of the cards.

So, what I'm doing is acting like it's not bothering me and I'm taking everything she can throw at me; like her mood swings, distance, lack of compassion, etc.

I'm also trying to pull more weight at the house (no complaining) with dad duties and home duties. And I'm really staying positive and happy about it too.

Maybe with all this - and a lot of time - she will grow to appreciate the man I am and realize that I'm more than enough for her to be with and love. Only time will tell and I'm not going to expect the world out of it.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2145019 - 04/05/11 12:09 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
hope2011 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/04/11
Posts: 310
I hear ya. I'm in the same place. I'm 99% sure H had an affair (found panties, he joined a dating site, etc) and now I'm kissing his butt trying to keep the peace and save the marriage. I'm not sure what I want either. I want to save my M but I'm not sure if it's worth it. That's the question you have to ask yourself... is it worth it to you? What are you trying to save? What about her do you want to hold on to? Because that's all that's going to motivate you to hold on during the hardest moments. Grab onto those.
_________________________
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy
H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16

Dating 4/07
M 10/08
Bomb #1 12/10
Bomb #2 1/11
Bomb #3 12/11

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#2145020 - 04/05/11 12:11 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: hope2011]
hope2011 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/04/11
Posts: 310
The fact that you're reading together.... huge deal. Huge. She's trying, open to learn how to make the R work. Don't discount that.
_________________________
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy
H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16

Dating 4/07
M 10/08
Bomb #1 12/10
Bomb #2 1/11
Bomb #3 12/11

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#2145171 - 04/05/11 07:55 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: hope2011]
ESN Offline
Member

Registered: 03/19/11
Posts: 1566
TCM, I really feel for you. I am in the same process and I have good days and bad.

my boyfriend just went from telling me he watches porn (I asked) to talking to his ex, looking at other women in front of me, and now he came home with a brand new (BRIGHT PINK) car yesterday?

He has recently started saying he wants to work this out (to our therapist and in an email to me). But I don't know. Actions speak louder than words. Anyway! That's my story, but I think praying helps. I do know what you mean about feeling like they are eating their cake. It's soooo annoying and hurtful.

Have you guys been to counseling together?

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#2146818 - 04/13/11 05:36 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: ESN]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
We've had our pastor over a few times to talk to us. It helped at first. But then life/time started getting in the way.

For several days things have been going really good. I'm just trying to stay upbeat and helpful and encouraging. The key to it right now is not being too needy. I give her the space she needs and never read too much into her moods.

I don't know if I'll ever be out of the woods. Every day I feel like I have to be on my toes. Though lately it's been easier. I don't have the massive anxiety I once had. But I'm still not walking around at ease.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2160470 - 06/13/11 01:05 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
It's been a while. We have our good days and our bad.
Recently, we've had two bad days - one real bad. She had an affair last year and we've been working through a lot of things. One of the main things we (mainly I) need to work on is feeling secure that the affair is over and there's just 'us' to keep the marriage going.

If anyone is reading this that has had an affair and wants to mend things the main thing (I think) is to convince the SO that nothing is going on behind their back. Do whatever it takes. If things don't line up with whereabouts, phone conversations, time, etc. do whatever needs to be done to make it right.

My wife got mad at me for questioning things that didn't line up and seemed real, real odd. When I confronted her she blew up and one evening left for the night. I was stuck at home trying to think up stories for the children when they came home so they wouldn't worry. They know nothing of the affair or our problems. I plan on keeping it that way.

Yes, I need more confidence. I want more confidence. I would love to be in control of myself when matters like this disrupt our lives. But it's difficult when you think you're being lied to and walked on.

I have made significant changes in who I am to her and my children. These changes have been consistent for almost 1/2 year now and she notices them. But I'm afraid she's worried that I will go back to my old self and be an ugly, mean man so she's holding on to something else just in case.

Hopefully not. Because I cannot think of sharing my wife with another man. It's either him or me and I'm ready to say it's him if she's not willing to let go.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2160755 - 06/14/11 03:51 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
MHL Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/09
Posts: 1349
TPC,

Just saw this and I would suggest backing off of your XW for the moment. Sounds like you guys started working on things without laying the groundwork first.......

Meaning......

There can be no "working on things" as long as there is another person in the picture......

There is no amount of counseling, no amount of relationship talks, no amount of good days, no nothing......

Until....

The other person is out of the picture.

MWD has a chapter devoted to Affairs in DR, not sure I would share DR with her.....that should be for you. Have you read Divorce Remedy??

I see where you guys read the 5 Love Languages.....great book.

It is good that you guys read that together, maybe you could read another book together......After the Affair or Not Just Friends is another that has good tools for couples working through those issues.

Hope this helps...

Cheers
_________________________
Formerly known as "missherlove"

Me43 XW43
M17 T19
S10 D14

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison

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