Can I save my marriage? (long; please be patient)

[MadeToSucceed]

I'm new to this so I'm not good with the lingo just yet. I've set up my first coaching phone call for tomorrow morning (Sat, July 9th) with Leni but I wanted to solicit the board also. Here's my story:

I recently turned 27 on May 30th. My wife is 26 and will turn 27 in September. We've been together since college (2004) - roughly about 7 years total - where I played football and she ran track while we were student-athletes at a big time D1 college. Since that time, she has gone on to be a professional track and field athlete that is very successful. She ran in the 2008 Olympics and placed very well in her event and is currently one of the fastest women in the world this year as well. I just work full time and support her in all of her athletic endeavors from managing her website to helping book travel and even going to meets with her. In May 2008 I proposed and in October 2009 we were married and have been married since that time. We've been together for 7 years total but only married for about 21 months as of July.

We had issues prior to and during our marriage but nothing I thought couldn't me resolved or worked through. One of her biggest issues was me having contact with several female friends and she not always knowing about the interaction (strictly through phone conversation or text, never meeting up with them or anything physically inappropriate). I'm not at all excusing my behavior but they were almost all prior to our marriage and my answer was to cut ties with the women all together. Her response was always they would think SHE was insecure and so in turn, she has actually befriended several of these women. My main issue was the fact that our sexual activity seemed so forced when we do have sex, we didn't have sex often at all after getting married and that she fails to communicate with me on issues and expect me to just figure them out. She still holds on to anything that was an issue for her prior to our marriage but has buried them and internalized them to the point where she has bitterness, anger and a loss of respect for me. She will not agree to counseling individually or separate because she thinks she's being judged and that she will be told how she feels or what she is doing is wrong.

We had some serious discussion at the end of last summer and I knew we were in trouble then but she led me to believe that in the months that followed she was past the issues as I made changes and that we were in a good place now. As recently as January 24th she sent me a heart felt video to my email address one morning saying she was happy with the direction of our marriage. On April 10th we sat in my mother's living room jokingly arguing about what we'd name our children. We have no children yet. Everything seemed fine and then all hell broke loose.

On or around April 11th or 12th of this year she became involved with OM who is a player in the NFL, initially through phone conversation and then she started visiting him. I had no idea for about the first week but quickly caught on. One of the women who was a bridesmaid in our wedding (that I've known since 3rd grade and introduced my wife to in college) actually is the one who provided the OM with my wife's contact info and that's how this started. Another woman in our wedding actually drove my wife to the airport to go see the OM one time during this ordeal. My W stopped wearing her wedding rings about 2 weeks into this ordeal but would travel with them everywhere by keeping them in a box in her purse. Right around that same time he told her that he loves her and she told him the same. OM has 6 children by several different women but is not married. I know several people who know him personally and they all say this is what he does but she doesn't see that because he's introduced her to some of his family and kids.

Since April she has visited him at his home in Florida at least 5 different weekends, has spent time with him at one of her track meets one weekend in Philadelphia, another weekend in New York, another in Vegas and even spent time with him in Ft. Worth for a few days (we live in Dallas so he was basically in our "backyard"). She has not been at home on the weekend for 13 straight weekends since this began. She either is competing or with him in Florida.

She filed for divorce on May 11th and then eventually hired a lawyer on June 11th after she found out I took money out of one of our accounts (when I realized she was starting to close other accounts and cut me off from access to them and when she had the locks changed at our house, I panicked and took money out of an account just in case it got even worse...and it eventually did...had I not done so, I wouldn't have been able to hire a lawyer after she did). We had a hearing in court on June 30th and are currently scheduled to meet with a mediator in September to discuss terms of the dissolving of our marriage and dividing of our estate.

During this time she has also been communicating with ANOTHER OM (OM#2) that is in the NFL and she even told him that she loved him and he responded saying he loved her too. They have not spent time together other than when they met in Las Vegas and even then that time was somewhat limited because she was in Vegas with 2 girlfriends. She and OM#2 communicate via phone and skype only. She has indicated that she's confused and feels lost and has no peace and says she just wants to be happy and loved the way she deserves to be loved and that shes created a mess. She says she doesnt want to hurt anyone but realizes she is and is just all mixed up. She feels like since she didn't speak up on her feelings before, now that she has she has to carry the divorce all the way through. She says too many people know, too many things have happened and that she's not the same person anymore, isn't in love with me anymore and just doesn't want this situation. She even uses me taking the money as a reason for why she can't turn back now.

I've been doing everything I can to fight it and from reading through some of the online forums on the site, some things I've done wrong and some I've done right. I've attempted to confront her both passively and aggressively, I've told her parents and sister of what was going on and even some friends in a flat out cry for help but to no avail. I've become consumed with this. I've tried doing nothing at times. I've tried flowers and cooking dinner. I was staying else where for a period of time, I've stayed at home for periods of time. We haven't had sex together since March 13th. She only admits to having sex with him once but will not speak on any of the details beyond that one time (which was basically 10 days after they got involved). I have her passwords (she doesn't know that) and so I was checking phone records and emails and facebook and twitter and everything looking to see what she is doing up until about two days ago when I discovered this site. She's indicated she feels backed into a corner and that I told too many people and she believes my reasoning for doing so was to hurt her and make her look bad. In reality, all I did was try to understand what was going on because two of the women who were in our wedding actually helped facilitate some of what she has been doing with the OM...basically one thing after another is what I perceive to be a "reason" why she says she can't come back. She's indicated she loves him and he loves her and during this process has occasionally given me the impression she is considering us reconciling (to the point where last Thursday after our court hearing we had a long talk and she actually said "it would be great if when we get to the mediator we were able to say thanks for coming but we don't need you all anymore") but then snatches that hope away by other actions. She is now in Europe until August (she left on July 6th) competing and then will be home for 10 days before going right back around August 17th. We communicate by phone and text and things have been more pleasant but this entire thing has consumed me and I never know what to expect next.

I've lost almost 30 pounds during these 3 months, have trouble eating and sleeping, can't find pleasure in many everyday things because we did so much together all the time and have basically been a complete wreck. I am going to Bible Study on Wednesdays, a professional counselor at church on Thursdays and church on Sundays in an effort to get further rooted in my relationship with God so that no matter what, I will be ok.

I know I've written a lot but that is only the cliff notes version. I've always been a person of faith but have gotten much, much closer to God during this ordeal so it is very important to me that I adhere to what His word says.

I know that I wasn't always the best husband but after reading the 5 Love Languages and studying a great deal in the Bible I have a much better insight as to how we can do things the right way. I don't take the full blame and I don't place it all on her either. That being said, nothing excuses how she's handled this. Essentially, she never wanted to address the issues she held inside and just felt like getting married would fix them. We prayed individually but not always together and so there are many things that I didn't do on my end to uphold the "head of the household" role a man is supposed to be.

But as I said before I am a man of faith and in my vows I said for better or for worse. For richer or for poorer. Not only did I commit to my wife but I also entered a covenant with God and I KNOW that we can overcome this but I also know she has to be willing to do so as well. I'm not sure how much hope there is in my situation but I am still going to "fight" until the end. I just need help. My faith leads me to hold on but my mind (and even others) tell me to move on. I just can't yet. I will not be the one to give in to a divorce. Is there hope? Am I completely at a loss here?

[dbmod]

Hi mgm,

Welcome to divorcebusting.com. I'm so sorry that you have this pain and heartachage right now. I'm glad you have some support -- that's really helpful in being able to take care of yourself, and taking care of yourself is extremely important.

While you are in a very good place to be supported in your faith and saving your marriage, you will have to meet/love your wife 'where she is at'. In other words, she is obviously not on the same page as you, and that is going to be challenging, and you will have to be careful how you 'fight'. If your wife is preached to or made to feel condemned/judged while you work through this, it may not work out.

There are folks on this board who have navigated similar waters and they may be able to share their experience with you in a way that will help you.


Hang in there, people here are ready to offer their support and help.

I recommend Divorce Remedy, and that you begin with the chapters on The Last Resort Technique and Midlife Crisis and Infidelity.

Hang in there, there IS hope.

[MadeToSucceed]

Thank you dbmod.

I've done exactly that. I've started reading Divorce Remedy and before you even made the suggestion, the Last Resort Technique and the Infidelity sections are the ones I read first.

It's difficult to put some of them into practice since she is in Europe for the remainder of the month so I guess what I struggle with is how and/or when should I attempt to contact her. For example, I've found myself sending her a scripture and/or a prayer with some commentary via text once a day. She has been receptive to it and thanks me for it and has even asked me to continue to pray for her.

Monday evening (July 11th) she messaged me out of the blue with this in a text message:

Can I be honest with you about something? I get frustrated with all of this because I can see you've made a change. And it frustrates me because that's all I ever wanted and now everything seems to passed due. I hate it.. From the weight loss, to closeness to God, to the genuine love I've always wanted. I don't know what I'm trying to say... I just get mad and frustrated about how things play out. Guess that's life.

I basically responded by saying I didn't want to undermine her feelings because I respect them and didn't want her to take any offense to my comments. She said she didn't mind me commenting on what she'd said.

I responded with this in a long text:

There's so much I'd like to discuss with you and pick your brain on but I understand your position. Just like I told you before, I think we both made too many emotionally charged decisions in this whole thing without thinking through their long term impact. And I won't even say you b/c I can't tell you why you've made decisions you have. I can only speak for me. I reacted out of fear throughout this whole thing. I do believe that those decisions aren't ones that can't be overcome but that's just the way I view it b/c I genuinely could care less what anyone thinks. Our lawyers, parents, friends or family. If we're good, the rest will fall into place. I actually keep having this vision of us heading up a marriage ministry at church (or being big parts of it) and having a testimony from all this b/c I just have a vision for how great things can be. Bet we could even write a book and get paid! Lol. The one thing I think I can probably say is that God had to get my attention b/c I was just floating through life. I just sent out my sermon notes from yesterday and there's a part where he talked about getting people out of your ear to hear him and I felt like he was shooting right at me. I think that's what had to happen for me. I listened to so much background noise over the years I lost sight of how things are supposed to be. So he took it all from me. Your website, traveling the world, talking track online, always being on the scene, desires I no longer have (clubbing, drinking, female convos, etc.). Rock bottom so I'd look up. And I did.

In the process of me sending that, she was finding out that the airlines lost her bags so she didn't ever respond to what I said. We went on kinda joking around about her travel situation and just casual small talk that was completely unrelated to our situation. She stopped responding all together eventually so I assumed she was sleep or something. I sent her a message saying I hoped she made it ok to her hotel.

Yesterday morning (Tues, July 12th), she responded saying she got to her hotel and went to sleep right away the night before. That was around 9am my time and I didn't hear from her again all day. Around 5pm my time I realized she was probably getting ready for bed where she is (they are 7 hours ahead of us) and so I thought about one of the things she mentioned she was struggling with and that was motivation. I decided I'd try to give her some comfort in that area but not as it pertained to us but rather to her athletic career. I told her I recognized she put her body through the paces training each day and that by her successes of this season she seemed to be on her way and to know that she was capable of achieving those goals. I sent her a couple scriptures about motivation and some that pertained directly to running.

She thanked me for sending it to her and sent me a smiley face. I told her she didn't have to thank me but that she was welcome all the same. She then responded:

I'm happy to still have my friend. Good night.

I didn't really want to address the friend part because although I'm happy we're somewhat speaking much more pleasantly and we are at least communicating, I didn't want to give confirmation to any idea that I only want us to be friends. I just responded

Good night. Sleep well and peaceful.

That was yesterday around 5pm and I haven't heard from her since.

I'm conflicted because in some ways I see some signs of life there but I also know I can't get too up or too down. I've stopped the "snooping" and I think that has helped my mind be a bit at ease but I guess I just don't know "what to do next." I want to just sit and see if she reaches out to me but it seems like I rarely get communication from her now and when I do, it is typically just short responses to what I've sent her.

So I don't really know how I should operate. In the DR it talks about when you say "I love you" it is counterproductive because your S doesn't respond or gets mad. Well the times I've said it, she responds "I love you too." It's hard to show her I'm GAL when she can't see me. She said she notices changes but that the changes frustrate her. I didn't really full on take the bait and say "well let's be together then!" but I did let her know that I am here and I am understanding of how she feels. Not sure what to do in this instance. Since I'm not checking up on her phone records and things of that sort I don't know if she's communicating with the OM while she is overseas.

Thoughts?

[MadeToSucceed]

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[MadeToSucceed]

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[dbmod]

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[dbmod]

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[MadeToSucceed]

I've now had my second phone coaching session with Leni and it went pretty well I think.

I'm trying to assess things that have worked and things that have not to this point.

I am looking for the small victories in belief that they'll lead to the larger ones. Since my wife is still in Europe until August, I've only been able to communicate with her via text.

She admitted that she's noticed the changes I've made so I consider that a small victory (even though she says those changes now frustrate her).

She also confided in me about some pain she was feeling due to a death of a high school friend this past Friday.

I had a friend suggest I watch the movie Fireproof since my faith is extremely important to me so while also incorporating the DR methods, I've also been trying to incorporate some of the principles from Fireproof and the Love Dare that it centered around.

I tried to do something kind for her on Sunday and basically all that amounted to was trying to make her laugh. I know she has been stressed during all of this as well so I just texted her an inside joke that we share and she responded with laughter. Later in the evening I checked on her to see how her day was going and she indicated she was in bed. I told her to have a nice evening and said to her "I love you more." She thanked me for wishing her well and said "I love you too."

I haven't heard from her since and so I guess I'm partially struggling with whether or not I should be reaching out to her or if I should just go stagnant and let her come to me. She has seemed responsive, even if our communication is relatively short but maybe I'll go a day or two and see if she contacts me. Thoughts?

[MadeToSucceed]

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[MadeToSucceed]

Struggling with not reaching out to her via text. Saw she was logged on skype for an extended period of time today after telling me the internet was bad where she was. She never contacted me....