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#2165762 - 07/05/11 11:16 AM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
how was the race X. Did you break an hour? are you hurting today?

I know it would be easier if we did have markers, but I don't know if it would mean as much.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2165774 - 07/05/11 11:43 AM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Harrier]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Did I break an hour? In which direction? lol. 1 hr 20 min. As a runner, that would suck, but I was happy to just finish.

Am I hurting today? I'm sure I would be if I could walk.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

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#2165777 - 07/05/11 11:51 AM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
Well, that's no so bad. Especially for Zero training. I hope you got your shirt too.

man you crack me up.

I'm sure running the race as a 180 for you.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

Top
#2165803 - 07/05/11 01:11 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Harrier]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
My D asked me if I won the race. I replied, "yes, I won and I have the t-shirt to prove it!" Reality was that I placed just a a hair over 33,500th place.. Not too bad out of 60,000, I guess!

And yes, it was so much of a 180 I'd almost say it was a 360!
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2165814 - 07/05/11 01:42 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
J3B - On 2/12/07 you wrote:
"Jack noticed and has noticed for the last few weeks that something has happened to his wife’s eyes. They have softened, not all the time, not for good, if she talks about something she doesn’t enjoy or like…they are crystal hard shards, but around him, most of the time they are engaging warm and inviting."

Recently, I have noticed that in my W's WORDS. When we talk it sounds like the W of old - much of the time, but not always. Your story continues to be such an insiration to me....
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2165830 - 07/05/11 02:18 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
Hey X.

I wanted to ask you something substantive. I notice our kids are similar in ages. - mine are almost 5 and almost 2. How have your kids adjusted to the living situation?

I imagine that might be one of the harder parts to this. Except for a few small trips. I've been around both my boys nearly every night since birth. I'm a very hands-on dad and always have been. It will be weird to back a way from that.

I was putting my oldest to bed on Sunday and he says "Daddy, no matter how big I get, I will always love you."
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

Top
#2165854 - 07/05/11 03:23 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Harrier]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
My kids (D almost 6 and S 3.5) have done great. We have mommy's house and daddy's house. They think it's neat that they have 2 houses and 2 rooms... All they know is that mommy and daddy have not been getting along as well as they should.

I do get to see my kids 13 out of every 14 days - even if just for a little while. I pick them up from school every day and either drop them off at "their" house or take them with me. I'm sure that helps. And, I call every night at bedtime - even if I saw them 2 hours earlier.

I won't sugarcoat it. It really really really stinks, but it is nice every now and then to take a nap on the couch on a Sunday afternoon. Could never do that before.

I miss them all the time, but truth be told I miss W more because I see her far less.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2165944 - 07/05/11 09:36 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Tonight......normal Tuesday "family" dinner after D's karate class. It was this dinner 2 weeks ago that marked the beginning of piecing. I wasn't thrilled at how it started out, but I do have to say that it was success and I saw another baby step.

First, when W got home she was in a mood. This is why I say it didn't start great. She was quiet and not cheerful at all. I tried hard to stay upbeat but knew it would be a tall order with her in that mood. I think I succeeded, but certainly not to the degree that I would have liked. After a bit it came out that our S didn't sleep well last night and she was up a bunch. I commented that it seemed like she was really tired. She agreed and things started to improve from there. Over dinner I mentioned that if she ever needed me to take the kids an extra night so she could get some rest, I'd be happy to. She said that wasn't necessary. I replied, "ok, no problem but standing offer if you ever need". A bit later, she said "well, if you don't mind, it would be nice to get some rest". No problem at all. Conversation got better from there.

Later, she called to tell the kids goodnight. After speaking with kids, I got on the phone. We chatted just a moment (we'd just seen each other 45 min earlier). As we started to hang up....she said "ILY" FIRST! Now, in the last 2 weeks, we've had bunches of ILYs, but until tonight I was first and she followed. Baby step!

Nice TM conversation a bit later where she mentioned how much D5 thrives on validation. I agreed and commented that "we all do to some degree or another" Her, "yes we do. You're a great father. ily"

I'd have to call that a success....
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2166079 - 07/06/11 12:48 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
Harrier and X,

I almost don't want to break in on the friendship that is forming here, and not saying that in any sarcastic way.

Thanks for the kind words about inspiration. Just proof it can be done.

About the kids.

My boys were 5 and 10.

My 5 year old is now 10, and he has decent memories about Mom's (Fragile) Fish House and my Tree House. The reason for the names stems from Mom's house having all the stuff that would break if you bumped into something and all the fish tanks, while I turned their room into a tree fort.

My oldest son is now 15 and this last Spring when he and mom went to dinner, asked her a bunch of questions about OM, who was also my friend. Asked what happened why he wasn't around anymore.

She answered him honestly, without going into the more sorid details, didn't say they slept together (sex), but didn't shy from saying they were boyfriend and girlfriend.

She was a bit shaken when they got home told me what they talked about. I talked a bit with him.

I told him that the reason OM wasn't around was because he wanted a realtionship with mom at the cost of our family. He was selfish. He would rather be a boyfriend to mom than to have us be a whole family.

Our youngest...only 5 at the time, has yet to be asking questions. Maybe he will, maybe he won't.

Just be honest with them, within reason.

My advice is to just love them, support them, insulate them and never let them think for a second that the problems between you and mom has anything to do with them.


Quote:

So hard to not rush in. I see my wife and I just want to jump her. Can't even kiss her or hug her or hold her hand. I am not a patient man; never have been. I KNOW what I'm doing is working. I see the steps. Nice TM exchange with W last night about the weekend schedule. She ends it with "Ok and thank you, (Last Name). Sweet dreams. ILY" Doesn't get better than that. I'm not going to change a thing but the more she steps in, the more I WANT to RUN in. Ugggggghhhhh.

Getting harder to not have expectations too. I know I shouldn't but I do anyway. When I got to dinner last night, she kissed both kids hello. In my head I thought "ok, here it comes, I'm next". Of course I wasn't, I knew I wouldn't be, would have been shocked if she had; but was still slightly disappointed. How dumb is that? It's like not buying a lottery ticket, not watching the numbers get drawn and then being upset that you didn't win. Makes no sense, but none of this process really does now does it?


That is very hard.

If she kisses you today? Enjoy the moment, savor it for a few moments afterward, but that was today, and tomorrow might be different.

The only expectation I'd advise having is the one on yourself to enjoy the moment.

These changes are FAST for a few weeks. Its a word of caution, not a forewarning.

She likes the slow guy you are showing her...you slip up move too fast and quick like a bunny she'll be in her hole.

Is it a test?

I don't think you lose anything by viewing it as such. I think you gain more by assuming it is.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#2166082 - 07/06/11 12:54 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
: )

One last thing...

Change the way you are thinking. Instead of how long must I do this?

Every day you strive to be a better husband, every day.

When does it get easier?

When you stop thinking of time.

Whatever hobby you enjoy doing, whatever skill you are good or great at, you (unless some sort of savant) you built up over time with practice and patience. And success drove you onward to becoming even better, sometimes failure did the same.

This is the same.

Take...fly fishing (insert your hobby or skill) and now ask, how long till your done with it.

See the problem?
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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Moderator:  Jack_Three_Beans, Virginia 

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