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#2164825 - 06/30/11 06:19 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Harrier]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
So, 1 of my goals achieved.... Really good evening!

Background: In the "official" schedule, today is my day to pick up kids, but I drop them off at "mom's" house. I don't keep them overnight. Also, last week W specifically told me she didn't want to change the schedule by adding anything extra to "confuse" the kids.

Just before I got to kid's school, I get a TM from W: "(Mexican Restaurant we used to frequent)? I know I said we shouldn't but I don't think it will do harm to kids. ily"

Me: "I'd love that, ily"

W: 3 times she sends "ily2" (now I have to say my brain is saying "was the 3 times a technical fluke or did she really send that 3 times?)

Very nice Dinner.

After dinner as they go to "their" house and me to "mine"

I send TM: "Thanks for the invite, I love being with you. ily"

W: "You don't have to thank me. I am trying. ily2."

Me: "I know you are and I appreciate your efforts. ily2"

So...that was one goal. She asked for extra time off schedule! Yippppeee......


I should tell one small bit of dinner conversation. My W is Catholic. I'm not. When we got married, I told her I'd convert, but we hardly ever went to Church so I never bothered. This came out during bomb-time. Today I emailed our Church asking about the process. I told W at dinner. She said "are you sure you want to do that? I don't want you just being reactive trying to please me." I said "yes, I do and I agree. If I was just being reactive that wouldn't work long-term and second, you're too smart for that anyway. You'd see right through it. I'm trying to be the man I want to be and I think that'll match up well with what you want, but it's really for me." She seemed pleased with that answer and the conversation moved on to non-R topics....
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

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#2164834 - 06/30/11 06:51 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
WTG X!
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#2164849 - 06/30/11 08:33 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Know what I'm planning to change now? Not One F-ing Thing.

smile
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

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#2164871 - 06/30/11 10:35 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
It's only "way to go" if the Mexican Restaurant wasn't Taco Bell ;-)
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2164925 - 07/01/11 08:08 AM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Harrier]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Nope, not Taco Bell!

So hard to not rush in. I see my wife and I just want to jump her. Can't even kiss her or hug her or hold her hand. I am not a patient man; never have been. I KNOW what I'm doing is working. I see the steps. Nice TM exchange with W last night about the weekend schedule. She ends it with "Ok and thank you, (Last Name). Sweet dreams. ILY" Doesn't get better than that. I'm not going to change a thing but the more she steps in, the more I WANT to RUN in. Ugggggghhhhh.

Getting harder to not have expectations too. I know I shouldn't but I do anyway. When I got to dinner last night, she kissed both kids hello. In my head I thought "ok, here it comes, I'm next". Of course I wasn't, I knew I wouldn't be, would have been shocked if she had; but was still slightly disappointed. How dumb is that? It's like not buying a lottery ticket, not watching the numbers get drawn and then being upset that you didn't win. Makes no sense, but none of this process really does now does it?
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2164938 - 07/01/11 09:25 AM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
It's not dumb Sometimes it it hard to take the longer view.

you know the big picture, you know that stuff will come if everything continues. but you do tend to set yourself up for expectations and that is only a recipe for trouble.

I think very few are really patient people. For me it always helped to examine why I was impatient.

she doesn't give you a hug or kiss - what does that really mean?

hell, I still have expectations too even though it's pointless
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2165187 - 07/02/11 02:38 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Harrier]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Originally Posted By: Harrier
Sometimes it it hard to take the longer view.
you know the big picture, you know that stuff will come if everything continues. but you do tend to set yourself up for expectations


Harrier thanks for this. I've re-read this line about 10 times in the last few days and really tried to think about it.

If you'd asked me 10 days ago what odds I gave reconciliation, I would have said 10 or 15%; if you asked me today, I'd say 75%. My sitch is SO much better right now. Amazing what can happen in a week! And that's where the problem lies. I, once again, feel like I'm just waiting for it to happen. A week ago, I was committed to a future where it was up to me to make it happen and I had a plan. I didn't have one option (my favorite one) open to me, but I could still have a great life and I could go execute my plan. Now, I'm back in the soup. I don't have a step 1, 2, 3,... now. I can't tell you what I'll be doing tomorrow or next week or the week after. I just have to take each day. OMG. I know that's what I need to do, but it's just not my style and it's really f-ing with me right now.

Interactions with W continue to improve. Couple things to note. At the last minute she got invited on a girls weekend, but it would mean being a couple hours late on Sunday for the kids swap. She asked me Friday if that was ok with me. I was totally supportive, no problem, happy to help. That seems like a small deal, but those types of things in the past where problems for us (she always felt that I didn't like her doing these type of weekends, I didn't mind but she felt I did). She went out of her way to thank me.

Because she's out of town, she has less contact with us then usual. Got text from her today "Miss you guys, ily". Now, "you guys" might have meant mostly the kids, but maybe not. I replied "we miss you too, especially me. ily2". Maybe I shouldn't have added that last part - she didn't comment it - but oh well. She asked about plans with kids and I told her "wow. Great dad" she said. That's all good (great!), but having (a lot) trouble not wanting more and wanting it NOW.

It's like the old pray I've read on here "God give me patience, and give it to me now!"
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

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#2165638 - 07/04/11 10:30 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
X Man,

I know it's tough and take it from me. I think that's where I started to get in trouble in my situation. I saw a bunch of improvements over a couple weeks time. I didn't take enough time to appreciate my wife's effort and just enjoy the moments.

Now I don't know if it cost me in the long run, but I do think it hasn't helped me

I think it is something in our DNA that makes this kinda thing tough.

But I will say, you still control your own ship. You are choosing to keep the door open to your W. You could have just as easily said "It's too late." when she asked you about MC. Heck it would've made things simpler in a way. But since you made that decision.

But try to remember you W is probably in the same boat. She opened up her mind to the possibility of things working out. i'm sure she is scared that you will revert back or something. She is just as fearful of getting her hopes up only to have them dashed.

The time is for her as well as you.

Someone was talking about the marathon analogy - I think it helps in the beginning, but it sux for piecing. Why? because when I start a marathon, I know exactly how far I have to go. I have mile markers telling me when the 1/2 point is, when there is 5 miles to go or when there is 1 mile to go

In this, It's like starting a race where you don't know the distance. (JTB would say that it is really the rest of your life in some respects)

But it sure beats the heck out of the alternative.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2165678 - 07/05/11 07:17 AM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Harrier]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Timely analogy. I hope this isn't too much "identifying" info, but I live near Atlanta. The city has a HUGE race every 4th of July - The Peachtree Road Race - about 60,000 people run it, 6.2 miles. I'm not a runner, but I got talked into doing it last Friday (meaning ZERO training. I'm in shape, but....) by a buddy that had an extra number. I LOVED seeing those signs along the way, 1 mile, 2, miles, 3... etc. I wish they had them in DB...
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2165687 - 07/05/11 08:01 AM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Harrier]
JustBombed Offline
New Member

Registered: 06/22/11
Posts: 24
XYZ

You give me hope. I appreciate that. Keep up your PMA and don't backslide on the changes you have made in your life. I think we feel our partners change before they do, which is why we are so confused. I felt my H's wandering eye before he actually engaged in an affair, and this weekend I felt him wanting to come back to my bedroom (from the guest room - he didn't), but only one night did I feel that. My H is MLC, so the Jekyll and Hyde thing is to be expected. Breathe deep and enjoy the good stuff.
_________________________
Without change, there would be no butterflies.

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