Is filing for D a 180?

[luvmyhubby]

Well he has fully pushed my limits and i have completely lost it. I discovered that he in fact has been seeing someone from the very beginning. Which in itself i could handle well as much as you can handle that.. however he changed his fb status and unfriended me and my friends.

I was humiliated.. he hasnt even filed for a D! Then I discovered that he took the OW around our children. IT wasnt until I layed my cards on the table that he admitted it. He has been lying about everything. and i mean everything..

Ive been so nice and friendly and open and helpful even with him getting the kids.

Im done done done done done done.... We are sitting downt divide up our assetts on paper this morning.

He cried and swore he would never do that to our children again.. I have no more belief or faith in his words at all. I will continue to db for me but i wont be a doormat anymore.

I packed the rest of his clothes up and put them in trashbags at the front door. He can take them all.. I need nothing more of him here i am letting him completely go!

The things he has done to me make me so angry and hurt and the whole time i have been dbing he has taken advantage. Im trying to rise above but right now it is so hard! Now i know why he wanted a D so bad his new OW must be awesome for him.

[a girl]

I'm going through the exact same thing - he led me on for 5 weeks thinking he was trying in MC, and whole time he had OW waiting in the wings. I feel for you.

[luvmyhubby]

Girl,
It is amazing how I can see the guilt when i look back. I thought that he might have someone but I tried not to let that get in the way since I didnt know for sure.

Makes you sick to your stomach since you tried and tried and never had a chance! Im sorry for your situation I know it hurts and there really arent words to describe how you feel.

Its funny because I was a woman only a fool would leave but then I have since become better. So now I am more of a woman that only a fool would leave..

So why do I feel like the fool?

[luvmyhubby]

So today I see how I am up then down.. It is like im bipolar and I feel crazy! I still want my marriage and told my H yesterday that we could still salvage what is left. I did clarify that I was not begging him back etc but that no matter what has happened I want what is best for the kids.

Even now he can sit and talk to me about his company and problems but he cant talk about anything else. Why is that? He will tell friends what he thinks but not me. To avoid confrontation? Im not giving him confrontation.. Well except for when I found out he was having an A that was major for me.

How do I complete the custody and D stuff the way he wants (amicable and cheap) without forcing him to tell me what he wants?

He doesnt speak up and then blames it all on me. Just like our marriage.. I told him that I cannot read his mind and asked if he could please tell me what he wants.

he was supposed to arrive early today before the kids got up and then we could discuss custody. Very important and we even discussed that he would be there and not be late. I did text him at 5 he was getting up according to his reply. He didnt show up AGAIN.

How am I supposed to compromise with him at all if he cant keep his word on a small thing? Is this is tactic for justifying his actions AGAIN? It was about the kids not me can he not seperate the two? I didnt complain too loud I just requested him to let me know when we could meet and that I would just take the kids..

Why do I feel like he ripped out my heart and ran over it about a hundred times? Now I wonder if I am more sad because I couldnt fix this marriage or because im losing him. I sometimes believe it is not the latter.. Which makes it even worse.. Was I really married to someone I didnt know at all? Who didnt know me at all?

[luvmyhubby]

Well i had a session with Jody yesterday and it made me really think. She asked me what I wanted and now I just dont know. Im angry about the A and all of the lies that I realize from over the last few years. Has he had other A that I am not aware of? I used to trust and was naive even though I saw signs there was no proof.

Ive been too harsh with my words and not strong enough on my boundaries. He has been running over me in a passive aggressive way.. I have also started to carry a notepad around with me and whenever i ask him a question or request anything I write it down. Make a note of exactly the date and time he said X and he would have X done or whatever. This way when he forces my boundaries I can go back and look at what he said and remind him exactly. I think this allows me to make him not give me vague times and dates and write down and show him what he said.

My friend told me this weekend that I was more like my old self than she had seen me in forever. Like I was in highschool happy and enjoying things and not stressed and burdened all the time. Im free from the stress and burden that I picked up from the marriage..
I know that I dont want the liar I see and I dont want my angry marriage. That doesnt meant that I dont want to try to save my family but I wont do it alone it requires effort from both sides and forgivness.

His R with the OW will hit rocks eventually and who knows he may move on to another. Eventually he will have to go through the phases im hitting but i believe he will put that off as long as possible. Or who knows he may be able to stuff that down for years and years..

I wont sit and wait. I want my happiness too whatever that means to me I have to figure out with my children..

Im still sad and re-hashing everything that went on I guess that is part of the process. I cannot change it but I can change me..

Enjoying every sunrise and creating hope for me and the kids.

[luvmyhubby]

I seem to flip flop a lot now. I was hopeful and sad yesterday after a good weekend being nice to each other. Then this morning he was telling me he was going to have to move. He doesnt have a lot of $ so he was trying to figure out where to etc. Not sure if he was trying to get a reaction out of me or what but i just said okay.

I kinda wanted to say well you could live in your own home but I didnt. If he wanted that then he would have asked and I see that he just doesnt want me. That is okay.. I dont think he is seeing that OW anymore or at least not as much as he was. Doesnt really matter anyhow he did what he did and I have to accept that. Maybe he did that to end our marriage or whatever..
I feel like beating my head against the wall somedays because it seems i cant think about anything else. Ive been so gung-ho about saving my family and it hasnt worked. Not that i am regretting anything especially db'ing because it put me on a track. A track to a new me that I am very proud of.. Healthy and happy..

I think the thing I cant get over is the draw to be near or physically touch someone I love. Im working on moving on as much as I can.. Praying to let go of the burden of trying to save something that someone else has let go of....

Why is this so hard for me? Why cant I just move forward and stop looking back and wanting all of that hurt back?

[luvmyhubby]

I knew it wouldnt last long.. I should brand the way I feel today into my head.. Why do I allow my boundaries to be crossed over and over again? It is like I am just welcoming his button pushing with a big red arrow pointed to me....

He was supposed to take our kids to their activities last night. When I arrived home he was there with them asleep on the couch and the kids were running around. He didnt feel well so i finally offered to take the kids and he agreed. He said he was going to go home and sleep.. Well I checked the computer after I got home pretty late and bam.. I discovered that he had been blowing what little $ he has at the bar and going out to eat. This from a man who claims to not afford gas or groceries etc. The amounts werent small either they were large enough for two people to be going for drinks and dinner...
Then I noticed that he had also looked up movies for that night to go see.

so he is blowing money while not having enough to pay me for our bills. Then he lies about not feeling well so he can go to the movies on his night with the kids.. I was infuriated!

This just proves I need to stop allowing him so much slack and put concrete boundaries up. I made him tell me today a day of the week to get the kids. The same day every week not just whichever day he choses at random and then changes later.

Now I know he is still lying to me and nothing has changed. He was being nice after I implemented my first boundaries so I have to keep him at arms length.

I still wonder if seeing him every day isnt causing me more stress. he comes to get the kids every morning which will end soon for school so that will help me.

[25yearsmlc]

hi there,

sorry this stinks so much for you. You're still new to this in that you are still "Discovering" hurtful things, so it's very fresh.

I think seeing him daily is extremely difficult and stressful. It also doesn't give him time to miss anyone and puts you in the position of having to deal with him on a daily basis. Wouldn't it be nice to know for a few days you were NOT going to have to face him?

Plus it makes your changes easier to make and then more noticeable for him, I think.


Try to imagine your life without him but b/c he died. Imagine some time had passed and you had grieved enough to move on. Imagine you are happy, and how that looks. WHat are you doing? Who are you with? Where do you live and which new activities might you have taken up? Get detailed and visualize this...

Now see that the difference is that he left you and you feel rejected by him and that's why you are having a harder time imagining a happy future. But that's ego.

Hey, we all have them! Egos are real and not to be trifled with. But they are also things we can learn to manage. You have to remove that aspect from your take on the situation.

So, if you are going to measure your own happiness or misery, by what HE is doing (or what you imagine him doing)

then your happiness will be controlled, exclusively, by him (or your perception of that). Do NOT Allow that. Be in charge of your own happiness and model that for your kids. They're watching you more than you realize.


So don't let what HE is doing determine your happiness. This means boundaries.

Such as maybe He gets the kids one day a week and it's a set day unless he gives you 24 hour notice. If that fails, you note it and tell the L.

This will matter financially.


I agree he still seems to want it both ways. Feels some guilt but is mega selfish right now. The movie thing and ignoring his time with the kids...wow, yes that would infuriate me.

But showing HIM your anger only makes it easier for him to leave/stay away.

FWIW, not all dads are great dads. If your h was an involved dad who played with the kids or coached or was "into them", the type that my h was/is (when he wasnt away) made me realize he would miss the kids.

And he did. I could not always tell b/c he did not talk to them each day but I believe that he ached for them but YET he also stayed away, (mostly) for 2 years. For his "task"... very hard to decipher but I knew it was out of character by a long shot.

Today it's like he wants 24/7 time with them and frankly it's annoying. God forgive me for saying that, but it's true. It's as if he wants to make up for his absence, and he does, but now they're older and don't feel as interested and he can get demanding about what activity to do or too pushy, etc. ANd he gets angry when we are not all on board with his plans.
Constantly wants "family time" and I have been with the d14 (we're close but still) all day so um, I want a warm bath and a place to read...ya know?


My oldest brother (I have 5 brothers) is the opposite. He had ONE child whom he seemed to adore, but after the divorce he instigated from a great first wife whom we all loved, he moved away 500 miles for a job. He'd fly up to see his d but always managed other business meetings too....(BTW, the ex wife, the former sil of mine, is still close to me. And she is happier now with her new man of 10 years, than she ever would've been with my brother. Truly. Her "new man" was far more of a dad to her daughter than my brother was, So go figure.)

At another niece's wedding, I toasted a different brother, for being such an involved father, for really "showing up" for his child and I toasted who his daughter had become. You know, The older brother did not seem to notice a thing... it will NOT occur to HIM, that he was an absentee father. And guess what?

That oldest brother remarried 6 years ago and he's 57 y/o now and HIS new wife (of 6 years) is pregnant with their first child.


And what is my oldest brother, the absentee father doing with his second chance? Well, he's volunteering for his 5th SOLO assignment overseas. Yep. He's getting a 2nd chance at fatherhood and still blowing it. The rest of us, his siblings, just stare at him...what's to say? He isn't into it. Sorry...and yes his new wife was warned, trust us. it's her first and only child so I wish her and the baby well but she's essentially going to be a single parent. Sad but true. My dad wasn't that involved with us as he worked a lot and read all the time at home.

But he was home...

so I can't even explain my oldest brother to you...but if your h isn't the giving, playing on the floor type, then he isn't...

Maybe seeing your h's flaws as they are, will help you with detachment.

Detaching is a huge step you have to take so his actions don't affect you so much. Besides, you assume his times away from home are all fun. At some level you know what he is missing even if he doesnt. But a lot of men react to guilt with anger at the cause of it. Remember that. Guilting him will backfire on you.

Sometimes, I wonder if it matters when they don't know what they are missing. They don't know what they don't know. But we do. We get so much out of participating in our children's lives than they will or can ever know. Someday when your child marries, your h will show up and ponder...

if you get a chance watch Last Chance Harvey and listen to his toast at the end, at his daughter's wedding. I found it bittersweet and touching (and not a comedy btw...) It's like he finally got it, almost too late. And he realized that the stepfather was the "real dad" even though he adored his daughter. His job was too big in his life.


Back to you-
I know that Setting/enforcing the boundaries (without anger) will help you a ton with this. Tell him when/where he gets the kids and if he blows it, let it go.

He'll pay more money and look like a jerk in court. Try to protect the kids from having too many dashed expectations. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.

It's a start.

Good luck!

[luvmyhubby]

25,
Thank you so much for your response! I havent logged on in a while for me I guess i kind of feel like im in a different place. Then I realized today as i was crying at my computer that I get a lot out of reading and helping on this site. No matter my outcome..

I set my boundaries with the kids and gave him an actual calendar with times on it. This has helped I also enforced a specific day of the week for him to see the kids and he agreed when i told him that I needed to plan.
Ive also put in place that he must stay with the kids either at my home, his mom's or a family member's house since he has no place for them. Absolutely not allowed to stay with a stranger or his OW. He agreed and is abiding by this.. His last weekend he stayed at my house with the kids and I made it work and stayed out of his way. Im out of town this weekend but he is staying with his mom and a relative that like a lot.

I think these are all good things for the kids to be around family and also for him. Maybe it will help boost him a bit as he is really down since his life is taking a dive.

I would agree for sure that my ego is taking a beating and im having a hard time dealing with that. I dont know that i miss my husband.. I dont recall what a great man he was to me he was a shell with me and the kids. We were intimate and hugged in bed so i guess that is what i am missing. The intimacy of another and the feelings you get from that. Along with the rejection makes for a bad day sometimes..

My C is helping me a lot she told me that my H was a passive man and I was an assertive woman. We fit but he became who he is now and was probably not as assertive in the beginning. I see now I am more myself that when we were married which happens of course.
So weirdly i feel confident in myself and my identity as a mother. The wife part is all in question now and must be reviewed to internally repair.
Im going to watch that movie ive seen it on TV but havent taken the time. I have hope for my life and believe that God has a greater plan for me its just somedays hard to keep 100% faith and happy.

I have a lot of really great friends who are helping me out and check on me often.
Today my H came to pickup the kids in the OW car since his truck had a flat. I told him at first the kids couldnt ride in it and he pretended not to know why. Then i told him i knew who's car it was and he didnt say anything. Then i got ahold of myself and realized how petty i was being and told him to just take them in the car. I realized today that I miss having him as a failsafe if you will. He was my safety shoot on a parachute except that he was a dummy shoot. NOt really there for me and the kids..

I did go and buy a new car this last weekend when he was out of town. I traded in my paid for car that was really really about to go and got something economical for me and just all around better. It felt good to make decisions on my own and only have myself to answer to for it.
My counselor told me to not call myself aggressive which has been something given to me at work. I was termed aggressive by an old boss when I told him exactly what I wanted with regard to a new promotion and salary. So I am no longer aggressive since that is more of a negative tone about it.. I am now assertive which is something I am very proud of for myself.

I wont let you roll over me or take advantage of me if I can help it.

When I look into the future to see me being happy I just see me with my children. Us in a home that I am responsible for and the kids are happy. Then on my weekends with out them Im having fun with friends and possibly a love interest. However I dont seem me mixing anyone with my kids in this happy future. With regard to him I just see him picking up the kids and that is it.
My H wants to be a great dad and in some ways he is. He is getting better about his time with them but he has his own demons. His father was not around and didnt pay support and he doesnt want to be that man. The really really sad thing is he is headed on that path pretty clearly..

We had a R talk the other night for the first time in a long time. He brought it up and he told me i treated him and spoke to him like a dog. This is so not true!!! However it made me realize that no matter what i do he will find a way to twist our marriage. I wasnt abusive or i didnt scream or cuss at him or say mean things etc.. I just asked for what he wasnt giving..

We exchanged theories for a while and he and i both listened. In the end I didnt beg him back or ask him back at all. It felt good..
So no matter what ive changed and gone through he hasnt changed or gone through anything to move him in the right direction. I know that now and realize my efforts have been futile for the marriage.

For me the efforts that I have given have brought me to a great place. Im healthier and happier with myself (minus the D stuff ) than i have really ever been. That brings me more hope!!

So no I have stopped crying while typing and realize im headed in the right direction.

It makes me happy to hear about your ex SIL finding someone who made her extrememly happy. This also brings me hope that one day when I am ready it will happen..

Thank you for your words! I appreciate it!

[25yearsmlc]

Wow...progress noted!!

Well done.