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I think it's great that you are not getting into trouble for being late to work because your H is "mixed up" about times.

Maybe it was miss typed, but it sounded odd that you said, "...think he is getting curious because he keeps messing up about picking up the kids etc.....

Just an aside on that, would you be worried to ask him to be a little more attentive of the schedule for the kids? While it's nice not to pressure him, it could potentially cause harm to your job. Maybe not... Jest sayin'...

I also think it's great about the truck and the house. Being in control of your own financial destiny is empowering for you on it's own, and it certainly shows your H that you do not need him, financially. While that might not be really important to him, your financial independence would be one less thing he might have thought he had over you.

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Originally Posted By: luvmyhubby
So he says he wants one. He knows etc.. He said that he would have filed sooner but i said i wouldnt sign. Well I have done the leg work as far as me i know what it will take to file for a D with us both agreeing.

I don't get this^^^. So what if you won't sign? That only delays the divorce. Are you in another country where both parties have to consent to divorce? I mean, in the USA, if he wants one, he can get one.


He doesnt have the $ to file with a lawyer but if i agree to file with him and we agree on everything he can do it. So do I just wait for him to file etc? I just dont even know anymore..

Not clear...are you saying he wants it to be cheaper/simpler so he wants you to agree? If so, is your question whether to go ahead and save some bucks but speed it up? Or to drag your feet and hope he wakes up, but know that it will cost more?

If you are in the US and don't have a lot of assets, the amount you're disputing isn't enough to justify dragging your feet IF IT'S ALL ABOUT MONEY...

but if it's Not just the money, that's different....which is it, and what do YOU want?



I know why he is rushing. He wants to be with other people and not feel guilty anymore which is what i made him feel in the marriage. He has that link to me and cannot move on with out it broken I think..

how do you "KNOW" this^^^?? Are you mind reading or has he told you?


I think I move on and am okay with a D but then it hits me again. Im looking GREAT losing weight and GAL really GAL!!!!! I just have a hard time not wanting my husband and family.

So if i just let him file and come to me but then agree to what he wants that is a 180 from my control.


I'm not sure what you are asking^^^ here. Are you saying the 180 would be such a 180 that you'd do it to possibly get him back

OR

are you saying part of you wants out anyhow, b/c now you look good and the single life doesn't seem so bad?

I know you are lonely. You feel rejected and the attention of other men is appealing. That's not a reason for divorce though, esp when you have kids. How old are the kids?



However I dont want one he knows that already and if I give him a no answer he will wait but I could free him from our RULES about not dating.. I guess that would be more of the same though.. me in control of the scenario...

Wow...interesting dynamic. What's stopping him from dating OW now? You telling him not to?


I dont want the broken man before me I want the man he can be after we heal. I will continue to pray for that and keep that safe in a part of my heart.. but still move on as best as I can.

I wont stop it but I wont encourage it either..
He has said some things about the kids lately that upset me. Like he cannot handle them both together because they fight.. He wants to try one at a time.. I dont know if I should try to control this or allow it.. It isnt fair to the kids

how is this so unfair to the kids? Why isn't there SOME value to them having one on one time with him?



but me controlling the issue is more of the same.



How about you NOT using the words "allow" and "control" AND

you both decide what's best for the kids, with NO other consideration involved?

If he can only handle one at a time, and he says so,[b] for now,[/b] what's the harm in him giving one on one attention with that child?



I think if I allow him to take one the other will freak out.


there's that word "allow" again...


Then Ill just let them call him and the chips will fall where they may.. He cant even think about being a bad dad that makes him cringe...

sounds like a man who cares about being a good dad...

He is shirking his responsibility little by little. He is high on his freedom.. I hope that he enjoys the ride!

Now YOU sound bitter and angry. He cares about being a good dad

OR

he's shirking his responsibilities b/c he's not doing it your way

or as you "allow"...?

Do you see a pattern here? You don't want a broken man but you insist he do it your way

or he's a shirker?





How has guilt been a factor in HIS life? Have you used it in the marriage?

My observation about guilt is that it backfires. Particularly with men, guilt ends up converting into anger at the source of the guilt.

At some point the person trying to "guilt" others, and control (same thing just a different manipulation technique)

will be rejected by those whom he/she is trying to control.

You need to back off big time. Let your h learn to be the man and father HE can be...

Without you judging or grading or deciding his way is wrong...

He'll never learn to manage the kids, one or both, without being on his own with them AND without a "net"....but he's no fool, right?

He won't drive drunk or blow things up with them, right?

So isn't the bonding time they can only fully get with him, without you,

and the surrendering of control itself, worth it to you?

If the kids somehow manage to survive and still love their dad, mission accomplished. (Yes I am exaggerating but the point is still there).

What exactly are you worried about when the kids are with him, and NOT within YOUR CONTROL? Has he injured them in the past?

Have you lost a child to death?

I only ask b/c I am not used to a woman having so much control & fear over her h's (their father) having THEIR children with him, and how and when and all that....

Just need more info before I can offer much advice...
hang in there


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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It is amazing what you learn from other friends.. I have kept my mouth shut and havent brought anything up since he mentioned the D. I learned he noticed I lost weight and complimented me to a friend of ours and then said well I guess she thinks that is why I left and is doing it to get me back.
I just had to laugh at that comment.. I did find out he has been lying to me for quite a while. Not big things but different things he asked our friend's wife ,who was out with me this weekend, to lie for him. This was before he told me he wanted to leave around March I think. Then last year he would come over to their house and complain for 30 minutes about something I did that showed how jealous I was. She commented how he harped on it for so long and it made her ask her H if my H was seeing someone else.

I may never know the answer to that question and I dont really want to know I guess. I know now that I was unhappy in my marriage and was picking up the slack and was content being unhappy. Sad as it sounds I guess I thought things would just pick back up eventually when a few things changed.

Friday night I went to a friend's house and had dinner and our kids played. Well my H called me like 4times to talk to the kids and then sent me a text. My phone was in my purse and I didnt hear it so it was almost 2 hourse later when I saw it. His last text said that he was putting his phone in the truck and wouldnt hear it he would talk to the kids tomorrow.

Funny enough when I called him back he answered.. He asked where we were and I said at a friends and kept it vague. He talked to the kids and asked who they were playing with and I could hear him ask who they are playing with. They told him and he made the comment that he didnt know them.
The next day my D5 mentioned the little girl's name to him again and he said he didnt know her. My D5 said yes you have been to her house and he looked dumbfounded.

He did make sure to hand me some paperwork he got from an attorney. He hasnt actually filed yet it was just papers like a questionaire to help divide things and a child support estimation papers. I took them from him and smiled and said just let me know when you want to sit down to go over everything. He seemed to be really nervous but said okay and left with the kids..

The realtor also came over and my H walked around with us and told her all these things he was going to do. I just let him talk and shook my head in agreement. So I am doing good and sticking to my rules..
He did show up ontime this morning..

So my realization this weekend was I had super fun on my own. What do I really want to do with myself and where do I want to be. Im working on answering that for me now.. I dont want the man I see anymore and I dont want my old marriage. Im angry at being lied to and that he stopped talking to me and sharing with me and now its too late.
Im letting him go.. I am a woman only a fool would leave and he has validated that for me..


______________________________________
H:32
W: 35
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-9
Sep. June 5th
Bomb 6/27/11
OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted....
Divorced 11/22/2011
Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 79
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25,
Regarding the D I dont want it. What I want is for us to work together to build a happy marriage and family. I had originally told him I wouldnt sign any papers he brought to me. This was really before I knew how anything regarding a D worked.
To save $ on the cost of lawyers he wants to agree on everything. I never asked for this he has just said the entire time that he is giving it all to me. Both of us understand that If we both hire lawyers it will cost $ we dont have but if we agree on everything it will be much much cheaper..

I dont know what to do here.. He hasnt filed and we havent sat down to sort things out yet. My plan was just to let him file and take things as slow as possible on my part and if it goes through then so be it. He complained I took control of everything so my thoughts were to let him take control of this.

I dont think that I used guilt in our marriage but that is my opinion. Mostly we had a happy marriage and built a nice home in a place he chose on property he picked out. He stopped doing things around the house and left me to do it all. I complained that he was never doing things for the family because of his buisiness. My mom lived with us and was building her house on top of our garage which my H agreed to. She saw me picking up his slack (mowing the yard, working, kids, jackhammering concrete, caulking the tub, clearing land.. the list goes on)While he worked didnt bring home enough $ and slept in a lot or sat on the couch.
I tried my best to get him to help but he just didnt and only when it was a dire need he would fix something. This is normal marriage stuff or communication issues I thought we would get past. At one point I told him that I just needed him to focus on the trash in the house. Just take it out and I would handle everything else but he fell short there. I didnt complain about the trash again after that.. I asked him to find another job a lot since his company was not doing well and he was bringing in less than his guys that work for him. He was on his phone all the time even at dinner for work and would never just leave it even for a few minutes.
My mom was a whole other subject I see where she interfered and was another complaining mouth. I cannot undo what has been done I can only try to do better in the future but he sees no future.
Regarding the kids..

He is not a bad father he just stopped paying attention to the kids. He would fall asleep and wouldnt wake up while they ran round the house etc..This isnt my deal though.. I was abused as a child and am VERY VERY afraid of my kids having this done to them. This makes me super cautious about who they are around and in what setting. This is the thing I worry about them being around a strange person who my husband trusts and doesnt really watch them and bam it happens and I cant protect them. This is exactly how it happened to me..
I trust him but I dont trust who he trusts if that makes sense.. I know he would never intentionally do anything to hurt them but that is it.. he always has good intention..

My H knows this and is respectful of this.. However he has full access to the kids and I no longer tell him anything about them. I dont tell him to make sure of this or that he still just doesnt.. he forgot sunscreen on them this weekend even though I packed it but I didnt complain one bit.

He has been the one to say I want to do this or this. Im okay with him picking them up in the morning before I leave for work. It helps me get there on time.. However he almost never shows up on time and I usually take them on my own and end up late for work. I dont complain or even text him now I wait for him to text me that he just woke up etc..

Im trying hard to focus on what my DB coach told me not to give him reason to validate what he did. I wasnt a bad wife but our marriage did need work and we did need changes in our life. We allowed other people like his dad and my mom to move in with us and it exploded in our face...


______________________________________
H:32
W: 35
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-9
Sep. June 5th
Bomb 6/27/11
OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted....
Divorced 11/22/2011
Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
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Kaffe,
What I meant about him getting curious is that when he doesnt show up on time. First I dont text him or call anymore in the morning to either make sure he is awake or to make sure he is on his way. If he doesnt show up by a certain time I yank the kids out of bed and dress them in a hurry, get them in the car and to daycare by 6:00. Usually if he is late and hasnt texted me already then i wont get a text until after I have dropped them off. I simply reply to his text that our children have been taken care of but instead i use their names.

Now regarding the finances I was pushing for him to add me to his business account at first then this didnt happen. I let things drop because he is talking to me about the $ but he is late late on bills.
He has checks that he gives me from a seperate venture and all he has to do is to pick them up. I need to pay bills with those checks and he was supposed to get them friday before last. Then he said oh he would get them Tuesday but i said nothing more. Then he didnt get them on Friday AGAIN. I reminded him this morning to get them..

How do I get what I need without backsliding? Im on the verge of getting upset very upset and having an outburst.. If he doesnt give me the $ I cant pay daycare etc..

Im trying so hard to give him control of the things I can and he keeps being vengeful. Most everything I can ignore but this..

How do I properly relay what I need about $ ? BTW he has also agreed to give me this money along with the house note. This was his arrangement not mine..

BTW.. the house to him he sees is a burden also.. There is so much he stopped doing and he said that it makes him sick to his stomach when he has to come to the house. I think that other things contribute to this as well like my mom. However she no longer lives there..


______________________________________
H:32
W: 35
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-9
Sep. June 5th
Bomb 6/27/11
OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted....
Divorced 11/22/2011
Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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I have some 2 x 4s but want to give them as gently as possible...please remember that the more things YOU can change, the better.

try to see it as empowering b/c that's what it is. If you were a perfect wife, and your h wanted to leave anyhow,

then you would be powerless to change. Luckily you have things to work on!


Originally Posted By: luvmyhubby
Kaffe,
What I meant about him getting curious is that when he doesnt show up on time. First I dont text him or call anymore in the morning to either make sure he is awake or to make sure he is on his way. If he doesnt show up by a certain time I yank the kids out of bed and dress them in a hurry, get them in the car and to daycare by 6:00. Usually if he is late and hasnt texted me already then i wont get a text until after I have dropped them off. I simply reply to his text that our children have been taken care of but instead i use their names.


I'm going to give you advice you will probably ignore but it's what MY DB coach told me....it mostly worked miracles but it may not do anything for you EXCEPT REDUCE CONFLICT...but that's something.

As for the morning/daycare routine and counting on him to get them--Why don't you just take the kids on a daily basis? If your h shows up on time to help, then thank him for that but don't count on it.

Mornings are not easy for me and he sounds the same. Not his strength and there's conflict about it and a lot of tension. Sounds like it's not worth it to rely on him for this task. Let it go.


Now regarding the finances I was pushing for him to add me to his business account at first then this didnt happen.

Why should he put you on his BUSINESS account? Why would you PUSH for it? If he did not agree or did not do it, you have your answer.


I let things drop because he is talking to me about the $ but he is late late on bills.

Are they YOUR/Family bills or his?


He has checks that he gives me from a seperate venture and all he has to do is to pick them up. I need to pay bills with those checks and he was supposed to get them friday before last. Then he said oh he would get them Tuesday but i said nothing more. Then he didnt get them on Friday AGAIN. I reminded him this morning to get them..

What can YOU do to make sure this happens? How about getting direct deposit? Or picking it up yourself so you don't have any more things to complain about?


How do I get what I need without backsliding?


You learn to get what you need for yourself. Life has tradeoffs everywhere. You stop trying to control him

or get him to do or say what you want. You do it yourself, OR you make arrangements to not depend on him

OR or you let it go.. and I mean LET IT GO, not bringing it up two days later. So lose the anger...at least in front of him. NOT helping your situation at all.


Im on the verge of getting upset very upset and having an outburst.. If he doesnt give me the $ I cant pay daycare etc..

Control your temper. Find a healthy way to deal with it. You have to manage this. It's a form of bullying to blame someone else for your temper tantrums.

Please, this is NOT healthy or acceptable behavior for a w to show a h, (or your kids for that matter)...

You sound mostly stressed and angry at him and I'm pretty darn sure it shows in how you treat him.

That is NOT helping your situation. DBing is about doing what helps and NOT doing what hurts the M.

If you truly do NOT want a divorce, YOU MUST STOP THE COMBAT.

Like most husbands, yours wants peace in his home.


Im trying so hard to give him control of the things I can and he keeps being vengeful. Most everything I can ignore but this..

I don't know where you are giving him control^^^ over much except

you are giving him more tasks to do and

that's more control from YOU assigning things to do for him. Do you see how that can be seen that way?


How do I properly relay what I need about $ ? BTW he has also agreed to give me this money along with the house note. This was his arrangement not mine..

So he's giving you MORE than he needs to?

So you do have enough?

Otherwise your question seems to be

how to ensure that you can count on getting a specific amount from him which you can count on...

either he does it b/c you agree to, and you're both adults OR you

get direct deposit from his account to yours, and YOU do the legwork for this arrangement yourself

and then have him sign and agree

OR have a court order for it. That's the only way to MAKE SURE it happens that I know of.


BTW.. the house to him he sees is a burden also.. There is so much he stopped doing and he said that it makes him sick to his stomach when he has to come to the house.

of course^^^^. This happens a lot and it's overwhelming to him b/c HE is the one who has to do it all apparently...no wonder he's depressed about it. I have been in the same position.

It gets very overwhelming and you end up wanting to sell it and leave or just walk away...just to be free of it and be able to relax when you come home, and

Not have, instead, just MORE and MORE to do and a wife who is so unhappy about every "failure" of yours. While all around you and in your face you are surrounded by symbols of undone projects...more failure...and more "feedback" from your w who also thinks you are not doing well as a father too...

This situation was a recipe for his feelings of failure and desire to leave, imo.



I think that other things contribute to this as well like my mom. However she no longer lives there..


I'm sure that didn't help. He probably felt you should have stood up for him to your mother

and kept her from openly criticizing him in his own home and with his children and wife around. And he has a point.

My DB coach gave me advice that was hard to take at times. Like Mother Teresa hard, but it was worth it.

1) Lose the anger. At least in front of h. Being angry at him only validates his reasons for leaving. "W is such a bit#@" "can't wait to leave, she always nags", etc...

2) Counter his negative images with positives. If he says you have a temper, be Ghandi!! At least in front of him. Do not talk about your changes, just make them. Show non controversial things like how great the kids are doing what fun you all had, how YOU are GAL, and DO SOME 180s...

what are your 180s? What are your GAL? Have you read the Div Remedy books?


3) Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does.
This can be hard! But it helps so much b/c it encourages them to do more positives and not
associate you only with negative messages.. THANK HIM FOR WHAT HE DOES OR CONTRIBUTES TO IN EVERY WAY...IF HE MOWS THE LAWN, BUT RUNS OVER A FLOWER, THANK HIM FOR MOWING THE LAWN...

it's all well and good to say you don't want a divorce but if all your interactions with him

are mostly negative b/c you are consistently dissatisfied with him, then it doesn't look like someone who wants to be married...at least not happily.

4) Decide if you want to be "right" or happy.

Hang in there and good luck.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 79
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Well his major things were that I made him feel bad about himself and i controlled too much and my mom living with us.

He agreed to have my mom live with us and build on our property.
He wanted our large property and the house we built. In fact he selected the lot and we worked together for the plans etc.
I supported him to create his business and stayed at my job really far away for insurance and a better income. He stopped working on anything around the house unless i had an all out fit. From mowing the grass, caulking the tub I even had to jackhammer concrete that he didnt get to it. So I picked up all of his slack and yes I did complain but he would agree to do something and just never do it. I told him when he chose not to do something it just meant I had to do it. His company wasnt bringing in money and I had requested he look for stable work.
I think all married couples go through things like this.. However now i find out that way before he started telling me he wasnt happy he was going out and lying to me about it.
The bar all the time and then telling me he was working and asking friends to lie for him etc. These things hurt since he may have been cheating and may be with someone now but I have no real evidence. So I will not think about that unless it does hit me in the face otherwise ill go crazy.

Regarding the kids he wants to pick them up in the morning. I am actually late if I have to drop them off since i drive so far to work. So him picking them up and taking them is for both of us I guess. However it was his request to do this so he could see them every day and have his time with them.

The money is all of what he wanted to do. He agreed to pay the house note until the house sells and give me the other money for bills. I cannot afford the house on my salary alone so if he doesnt pay what he agreed to pay then I will lose the house. I know he doesnt want that in fact he wants me to take the proceeds and buy a new house for me and the kids. (his words)

Regarding his bank account for his company I was on his account before he got a partner and i got removed. Then he dropped the partner and he was going to add me to it before all of this. I requested to be put back on there because just like our joint account is both of ours so is his business. He did agree to add me to the account and gave me no complaints but it never happened. Then he told me he wanted a D and I now realize the bank account was a way he thought i would track him. What and who he was doing it with.
My worry is that we dont have $ to get lawyers to create a maintenance type of order legally. If i do that Im worried it will push a D much faster and I want him to put that off as long as possible to give him more time to breathe. He does talk to me about $ and opens up about his company when he does and I just listen. However if he doesnt start giving me the $ I may have to do it to secure what I need.. I will work out to get the checks on my own from now on.. the company doesnt have direct deposit so that doesnt help.. Im trying to be patient and not needy at all!

When I say I get angry I dont ever get angry at the kids or him like you are thinking. I mean my mind runs and I just have to calm down before I can actually think of the proper things to say I guess its all mental for me. He and I were never screamers or fighters we pretty much had a happy marriage and did tons of things together as a family and laughed a lot until recently.(obviously there were issues I didnt see) I do see where our communication stopped I got upset and felt I had the lions share of our family duties and he only had his company.
He felt like he was working for his company and i made him feel bad for not giving his family more.

I dont call or text him at all anymore unless it has to do with the kids or the $ if it is dire. I occasionally talk to him about light things when he is at the house which has gotten better. He will now sit down and look me in the eye and actually chat.

He had someone pressure wash the house today as he said he would do. I made sure to communicate to him how great the house looked and how thankful I was. My friends actually say Im way too nice to him. I used to offer him breakfast or dinner if he was there and it was ready, I no longer do this.
GAL.. Working out is a big one for me. I started going country dancing which I LOVE to do with a group of friends. My friends are all couples and I can dance with their husbands and be worry free of other men. IM actually thinking about taking more lessons and possibly doing a little competition. Im connecting with old friends that I talk to on occasion but now Im actually seeing them.
I started to bartend weddings for a little extra money with my best friend since 6th grade and she and i have a ton of fun.
I have also talked to my boss about making BIG changes to my job. Adding more travel to my work and making my career more in consulting which I was avoiding before.
There are more things I want to do but they will come I feel like I have a very full dance card right now with me and my kids.

I see my H hurt he isnt doing well with his company and he is going out a lot. I always find out on accident by his comments he was out all night drinking but I never acknowledge it to him. As far as he knows I think he was at home all night.. I have also noticed that he has started to fish again which does make me happy for him as we used to do this together.
I realize now that I was not happy in my M and I just stuffed it down and thought it would heal itself. I do still want my family and I understand and see my part in all of this.

I have read the books and had a few sessions with a DB coach. She did get onto me for the same things you pointed out but those are already past... I can only now take it day by day and do my best to stick to the my list from my db coach.

Ive done very well I think in the last 2 weeks considering i was backsliding a lot at first. I dont tell him anything anymore I ask and if he says he will do something I never depend on him..

The only exceptions I am making is for the kids and the $. I feel like if I take the kids when he doesnt show up and I dont throw a fit or complain that is a 180 for me. Plus he has to deal with his own guilt of wanting to take them and asking to be there with them and not getting himself up. My boss is okay with me being late right now he knows what is happening but if that changes i guess Ill have to change my stance..

He is noticing my changes i think by his small positive reactions. (im not getting too excited dont worry) but I have noticed that since Im not focusing on him im less stressed. I just depend on me and I get more done and have more time..

I am focused on a bright future for me and the kids.. The details of that will fall into place..


______________________________________
H:32
W: 35
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-9
Sep. June 5th
Bomb 6/27/11
OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted....
Divorced 11/22/2011
Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 79
L
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OP Offline
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Posts: 79
okay so now i really got upset last night.. I cried and just was really sad.. by myself of course not to my H. I have a program on the home pc that takes screen shots to monitor my son's activity. I was checking it when I got home after he used the computer and found my H came over while i was at work and used the computer. Him using the computer is no big deal.. The big deal is that the screen shots showed he was checking out other girl's social media pages that are not his friends and from our area. He is meeting them now I guess while going out.. Then I noticed he had gone to his profile and went to the marital status page three times in a 2 hour period. He would go and it would show it there for a bit and then he would do something else and then go back like 30 mins later.

That makes me think that he is pondering making his change from married to single. Im sure his new found freedom is challenged by his social media status when other women check him out. It did also show him going to my page.. He checked out EVERY new friend I had which one was male but was work related. He also looked at my pictures on the pages and even old pictures.

I dont know it just upset me because i wasnt expecting it at all. I mentioned none of this to him and am continuing to move onward with my plans and made sure to be happy when he came over today. I know he lies about things still to me but I ignore that and try to be happy..

I believe this is a sign he is conflicted since he didnt change his status.. I think he wants to.. I dont know that this means he is with these women but he is surely thinking about it.
He also looked at a family member's page to see if they posted anything about us I guess.. I think he was looking for something to allow him to change his status..

It is just hard to swallow being left behind.. I understand his path doesnt mean that I am at fault or that anything is wrong with me but it sure hurts like that!

Im feeling strong when I am detached but when I let any light of hope into my heart the pain begins..
Im sad for him also because I know he wont find what he is looking for in these random women but that is his journey...

Still working on me and accepting my responsibility for my part.. that is all I can do besides pray..


______________________________________
H:32
W: 35
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-9
Sep. June 5th
Bomb 6/27/11
OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted....
Divorced 11/22/2011
Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 79
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 79
So tonight i realized there was another link to the town where the OW lives. I remember a receipt from the town of th OW that was odd with a client name written on it. My H doesnt do work there and neither does the client on the receipt but at the time i didnt know what to make of it. I was trying to DB so i didnt question it i just put it with all the receipts..

Now im wondering how long has he been talking to this OW? Is it an EA that turned PA and is she the dang reason he chose to stop working on us.

Just makes me cry! my mind has started to race again and now the heart flutters,eating and lack of sleep are back..

I havent said anything to him at all.. Our kids are uptset about moving and crying and he sees NONE Of this. He is off with friends or the OW..

Now im just plain angry at him.. Shame on him for doing this to his family and his babies.
Tonight I just dont get it.. I want him to have to cry like I do when he sees his children crying! I want him to feel the pain of knowing he cannot stop the pain for his kids.. I know he might be hurting but in no way do I think he feels what the kids and I feel..


______________________________________
H:32
W: 35
M- 11
Tog- 13
D-5
S-9
Sep. June 5th
Bomb 6/27/11
OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted....
Divorced 11/22/2011
Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
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Offline
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
I think it's telling that he checked all your info and the men in your life...

very interesting. He's clearly not indifferent to what YOU are doing.

So how can YOU be a bit more myterious?

What more can you do about GAL? And 180's that you can DO, rather than simply "not reacting" the old way...


Finally, while your pain is not presently matched by his, don't assume he's not in any pain


and don't spend your energy on wanting to punish him.

That's not our jobs as spouses. Tempting, God knows...but Life teaches them the lessons,

not us.


Besides, any punitive action by us only serves to validate their reasons for leaving b/c

by punishing, we "prove" they're right about the negatives they believe about us...


You're above that. Be a woman of dignity and strength in the face of the betrayal.


and

Be a woman only a fool would leave.



Keep at DBing b/c it hasn't been long, although

I know for you, it's an eternity. Still, go as long as you can even when you feel like quitting. I know we all have our limits...

but I felt it was better to go a bit too long than to end a bit too soon.

And I'm glad I did.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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