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#2164526 - 06/29/11 07:49 PM XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying...
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

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#2164529 - 06/29/11 07:54 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
Like the title better.

As for her 'babysteps' do they all have to happen? Do they all have to happen in a set time frame? Or will you be ok with one of them?

As for the one about her setting an appointment.

You said she was never good at making good on her word in matters like this. Right?

Well my wife is never on time. This concept of time doesn't seem to exist in her kind some sort of foreign concept like theoretical math. Never has. Likely never will, if she does? I'll be looking for angels blowing trumpets and breaking seals.

If I used her being on time as an example of a babystep?

I'd first have to change the name babystep into something like Godzilla step.

And I'd be setting her up to fail.

Some spots do not change, they may fade... but somethings are too fundamentally instilled.

You know?
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#2164530 - 06/29/11 07:58 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
jack...that gave me a laugh. My Wife is pretty much the same way with time.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2164531 - 06/29/11 07:58 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
I'm ok with one, two, or all three of them. The only one that I have a timeframe for is the scheduleing counseling one. The only reason I set those babysteps at all was to prevent me from looking for "big" stuff. It's not realistic for her to ask me to move home today or call me and say "hey, I'm naked in bed and all alone..." as much as I'd love that, ain't gonna happen. I need to be realistic in my thinking.

I know what you mean, but this seems like such a big deal....
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2164533 - 06/29/11 08:14 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
X

I get it. Your W said she was committed and she wanted to work on things. Now you want her to show you some action. Words without action are well...just words.

You are really look at this as a big action form her and shows that commitment.

I'm kinda in the same spot. My W said she would see an IC. she got the referral. I finally asked her today, "like I was just curious if you made the appt yet."

I think there are ways to bring it up without coming off badly.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2164535 - 06/29/11 08:18 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Harrier]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11333
Quote:

I think there are ways to bring it up without coming off badly.


I agree absolutely.

I think you can let them know, that some things are more important (deeds) than others in proving their commitment.

"I really want to know you made that appointment, that would mean more to me than you can imagine."

You know, pretty words, with weight, but no anger.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


Top
#2164536 - 06/29/11 08:21 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Nice TM exchange with W just now. She initiated (about kids), but asked about my day. Several back and forths. Each ending with "ILY". Very nice....
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2164570 - 06/29/11 10:44 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
I think I'll give here until the first of next week. By that time, it will have been about 10 days with several of those days that I had the kids (removing the "no time" excuse). If she hasn't done it by then, I'll bring it up in the way suggested above. But I'm really hoping she does it without prompting. It'll mean so much more to me if she does....


As for baby steps, I have noticed a couple.

(1) When she calls for the kids, although it's about the kids, we have nice chats.

And...

(2) For years, she always called me "honey". When things started getting bad, she called me by my last name (in a cute sorta way). When things got REALLY bad, she called me first name (in a not cute way). Well, she's back to my last name again. Someday soon back to honey....
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2164684 - 06/30/11 01:34 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
XYZ Offline
Member

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 391
Loc: Cumming, GA
Had the kids last night. We called W this morning as she likes us to do. After kids talked, I got on. We chatted a bit. Maybe it's my mind playing games with me (entirely possible), but I swear it felt like she was hanging on and wanting more. I politely ended the call to leave her wanting more....I hope it wasn't just me. Called ended with mutual ILYs. Baby steps.
_________________________
M: 39 W: 37
Married: 9
D5; S3
"It's Over" 09/26/10
11 Day Sep 10/10
Piecing Starts 11/4/10
Piecing Fails 4/11
I move out 5/11
Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11
Piecing #2 - 6/22/11
Home 10/11

Top
#2164807 - 06/30/11 08:35 PM Re: XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying... [Re: XYZ]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
KIG.....keep it going.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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