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The people are really nice and wow are they relaxed!

LOL thats so funny , I must be the most nervous , skittish native Californian here! lol

I personally love your story G! Its such a sweet, happy "ending" to what was a sad begining.


Be Happy for this Moment,
This Moment is your Life


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[quote=Chazz]
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I honestly wonder if it is not healthy in closing out the old sitch to have a rebound experience. If for nothing more than to prove to one's own self that they can attract someone new and can perhaps find out some of what they dont want. Kind of a trial and error thing.


Chazz, it is healthy for some, unhealthy for others. The problem, as I see it with wanting to prove to one's own self that they can attract someone is that the someone they become involved with may end up getting hurt.

Being left behind is like someone taking a baseball bat to our self-esteem. The attentions of another person goes a long way toward rebuilding our self-esteem after the battering it takes.

In the end, whether we engage in a rebound or not, it is ultimately our job to rebuild ourselves and as you said, "grow significantly" and learn to identify what to "stay away from."

If you are an enlightened person you can navigate a rebound and come through it unscathed. The problem is that many people enter into a rebound relationship before they become enlightened enough to realize that the relationship is really nothing more than a learning experience.

I had no idea that my rebound was only a learning experience. I thought it was my way out of the pain I was feeling. I ended up emotionally attached and once it was over, left to deal with the original issues from my divorce plus, new issues from the rebound relationship.

I think the rebound also led me to a life I love but I would have made it here anyway and probably a lot quicker if I had not heaped extra heartache on top of what I was already dealing with.

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Originally Posted By: keyzblew
I needed to re-discover me, to find that part of me that wasn't defined by a long-term marriage.


That was me! I had to find out who I was before I had anything to offer anyone.

My thinking was very skewed right after my divorce. I thought that since I had been OK while attached to my husband, I would once again be OK if I found another man to attach myself to.

What I found out was that I had to be OK alone before I had anything to offer anyone else.

After examining who I had become because of my marriage I realized I was not stable nor grounded. I was a long way from OK. I had been fooling myself for years and the idea of living in denial instead of working on myself was attractive.

But, you know what they say about the road less traveled or taking the path of least resistance. Nothing good comes of it!

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Originally Posted By: mastateflower
I should make sure that everyone understands that Rob and I are not the norm.


Nope, you guys are far from the norm. You guys didn't go into your relationship expecting the other to fix your problems. By the time you two connected you had been going through the process long enough to know that you had to fix your own problems.

I think that is what determines whether a relationships that starts here makes it or goes up in flames. If two people can connect and begin a relationship with reasonable expectations they have a good chance of making the relationship work.

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You are all so amazing and full of great advice.

Being that my D is nearly final I'm starting to have anxiety over the idea of a new R in the future. I like reading what you all have to say about rebounds. That's my great fear.

I have been growing and learning about myself and I don't want to go backward in that. After being with my STBX for 19 years my identity was completely wrapped up in him and our family. I had nothing for myself. I've found so many new things and people. It's awesome to come out of my shell and realize that I am a really interesting person that has a lot to offer the world.

I will continue reading all of your stories and advice.

Thank you again!!!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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I had no idea that my rebound was only a learning experience. I thought it was my way out of the pain I was feeling. I ended up emotionally attached and once it was over, left to deal with the original issues from my divorce plus, new issues from the rebound relationship.


Cathy... I dont think any of us could possibly be healthy enough to realize that we are in a learning experience while rebounding. I know I couldnt have known that. I was way to hurt and in denial of the depth of hurt I was still in.

Yet, somehow, good came of it all. I have no idea what the best pathway was for me. At times, I am grateful for my drug and alcohol problems (past) as they made it all the more essential that I seek out significant help in dealing with my life and thinking problems.

We alcoholic/addicts in a way have a positive in our world.... there is a requirement for us to get better or die. Staying sick is not an option if we have any desire to live. Most of us do not live long if we do not sober up and cannot sober up (and remain sober) if we do not learn true recovery of mind and behaviour. It is almost a gift in disguise if it hadnt been so dangerous and hurtful to those around us.

For me, I have stopped trying to figure out what the best path should have been. I have learned to just accept that whatever has happened has happened. I can only control the moment and to a very small degree, the future.

The rebound flings.... as bizarre and costly as they were... taught me things I have no idea how I would have learned otherwise.

All I can really say is that I feel that value can be taken from all things. This leaves me with far less regret and far greater happiness in the moment.

Ciao.

Chaz

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Originally Posted By: mastateflower
Cathy, Great to hear from you!

It's easy for people on the board to be attracted to one another. Your both in the same place at the same time and understand more than probably anyone else you know. Your both need to feel wanted, need to feel attractive, and need to have your needs taken care off!! But you need to remember that the majority of the people on this board aren't ready for a relationship.



This is an interesting one. On one hand I say yes, there's a lot of hurt. But on the other I read divorce remedy and other processes and it rings quite true for me that anyone coming OUT o fthat being the abandoned spouse is on a road to maturity that anyone can only benefit from. I can't imagine anyone coming out of divorcebusting without being mature enough to carry a LTR.

Moving in with someone else? No.
Getting married? No.

But to be honest, anyone who has divorce busted well I can't honeslty view doing that. I would think anyone who has understood db well would'nt hurry something like that to begin with.

Do I find people on the forum attractive? Yes, I find maturity an incredibly attractive feature in a mate and I can't imagine after everything I have been through that this will change.

I honeslty think that anyone who has been on this board for some time and did do all the divorcebusting techiniques won't make the same mistakes again.

There may be some on the forum someplace who just hop on and don't read anything, who don't get it, who just take the odd piece of advice, but I am not talking about them.

I guess I am making a distinction between board members, and db survivors. I don't think everyone on this forum has been through the program and fully understands it I guess. I am learning still myself so...I could be missing something.

Certainly there are many people here at many stages, I think I am trying to point out we arne't all in the same place, and some are ready for LTR's and some are just hurt and confused still.

I am not confused, I have a steady mind at the moment. And I would like to think there are others out there with the same mindset as me on here. If not here, where on earth would they be?

To my mind, the divorce busting strategy, principly, is a strategy aimed at maturing the abandoned spouse, a stategy for emotional growth to help the abandoned spouse fully appreciate love and companionship. Sometimes the wayward spouse notices the change and opts to stay, but I honeslty think that's only a side note to what is really going on.

DB survivors to my mind are the best candidates for marital happiness. I can't imagine someone doing all this work and findong someone ELSE on here who has done the same work and them making childish mistakes after all that growth and learning.

If the maturing process that should take place has, I can only imagine success for that couple. Or, a careful and minimally painful end of something they can view as not a good idea to continue.

i can look at women now and just say "No, that wont' work, I am attraced, but not in a million years would that work"...the blinders are off now. Db survivors are armed very well to find a good candidate and avoid a bad one..in my opinion they are ready as they ever need to be.

Besides, I am in Ontario which I am sure is far away from anyone on here. lol

Last edited by Winnie; 10/18/08 11:14 PM.
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Hi every one. I am going to post about something that was not a rebound but a predatory relationship. It was not from this board, it was from someplace I thought was safe, a hobby where we all knew each other. It was not safe. I thought I had found someone God had sent and that was not the case. He was a sociopath and a liar and I gave him money and a lot of it to boot.

This was not a rebound relationship or so I thought, this was what God had sent me in retribution. Oh brother, little did I know that I still after 3 years was not in my right mind. Wonder

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[To my mind, the divorce busting strategy, principly, is a strategy aimed at maturing the abandoned spouse, a stategy for emotional growth to help the abandoned spouse fully appreciate love and companionship. Sometimes the wayward spouse notices the change and opts to stay, but I honeslty think that's only a side note to what is really going on.]

This is a very good observation for someone who has only been here a short time (judging by your membership date) or have you been here longer then I think?

It takes time to recognize that you aren't here to just save your marriage, but that you are here to save yourself! If the marriage is saved in that process then that's a plus. Heck there are people who have been here for years who still don't get it! Trust me, I know some of them!

I believe that that period of time when you still think divorcebusting is all about the marriage, you know the marriage is over but you think you did absolutely nothing wrong, that's when it's way to soon to be looking at relationships. Imagine two DBers both in that stage "hooking up". OUCH!

Just go back to the newbie stuff and read some of it. Wow it brings back memories of how tough it really is. How hurt and low we all were, how fall we have all come. Imagine being in that stage and trying to date! No way...

Gigi

Last edited by mastateflower; 10/21/08 08:03 PM.

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Quote:
But to be honest, anyone who has divorce busted well I can't honeslty view doing that. I would think anyone who has understood db well would'nt hurry something like that to begin with.


Winnie....I would agree that moving in or marrying someone too soon or from an unreliable introduction (such as discussion boards or chat rooms) is unwise.

I do believe that someone can have embraced and practiced the principles of Divorce Busting and still make a mistake. Our hearts are deceitful and often desparate beyond what we understand.

When I was working through my D issues and all of the pain everyone commended me on the commitment I was making to my own recovery and growth. They were seeing it in leaps and bounds.

Yet somehow, I still ended up picking up booze and coke and spinning my life way out of whack. Often times we do not see the damage and desparation that results when we go through a trauma.

I lost my wife to a friend. I thought I was getting through it. yet the longer I live and the further it is behind me, the more vividly I can see how big a deal it was.

So ya, a mature person is less likely to make bad decisions. Yet it is not 100%. The human heart is the most complex thing I have ever known. And we can be incredibly self-defeating in our choices. We can defy logic and wisdom at the drop of a hat.

With that said, I prefer to continue to strive to grow. It ia always the safer route.

Ciao.

Chaz

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