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Since most of the people here at this Surviving are clear that their marriage is over maybe it's a good time to talk about the danger of the rebound relationship.

How do we get caught in a rebound?

Some people figure if it's ok for him why not me?
Some are desperate to know that they are attractive after all.
Some just desperately need to feel needed.
Others just want to feel something - anything at all!

But none of these reasons to start dating are proof that your ready for dating. In fact most of them prove that your not ready for dating.

Trust me I know what I'm talking about. Be there, done that!

Also part of what you need to consider are the kids. You may have decided that you are ready to date but honestly are your kids ready to have other adults introduced into the mix?

Would love to hear what you all think. Any horror stories? Any success stories?

Ok I'll start with horror stories - one guy I started to see, went out I think three times...found out he was married and I was the candidate to be the OW! Me of all people to be OW! Oh I don't think so!

Gigi


"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
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Hey, I'm the first. Pass me a glass of Riesling, ice cold if you please.

First let me say, that I had the rebound relationship and like most it didn't work out. And because she was a rebound, I didn't see the red flags that I should have. But, I found that she is what I needed at the time to help me grow.

Quote:
How do we get caught in a rebound?

Some people figure if it's ok for him why not me?
Some are desperate to know that they are attractive after all.
Some just desperately need to feel needed.
Others just want to feel something - anything at all!


I think I had a little of each of these reasons in my rebound. Also, it was nice to have someone like me and want to be with me.

I think that if you are using these reasons, you are not ready for dating. You need to be stronger than that to make it work.

Quote:
Also part of what you need to consider are the kids. You may have decided that you are ready to date but honestly are your kids ready to have other adults introduced into the mix?


I agree highly with this statement. I had to chuckle when I was dating my rebound. My D8 said to me one day after I had been dating for 3 months, "Dad, you love me and I love you." I said, "Yes." She said, "Sissy loves you and you love her." Again, I said, "Yes." She said, "I love sissy and she loves me." I said, "Yes." She said, "That's a whole lot of love, I guess we have enough for you to love 'rebound'". I knew at that time that my kids were ready and would accept a new woman in my life. So the kids will let you know when they are ready. I believe that you should wait till after 3 months of being serious to introduce the kids and serious is not first sex. It is serious when you start thinking about a future and maybe marriage.

Some horror stories: My rebound was hoping I wouldn't get custody, so once I did she left soon after. Since then, I've gone out on a few dates. One had a serious drinking problem. One ended up dying due to a complication from surgery. One was just looking for multiple friends with benefits, had been in a 24 year marriage and had not been with any other man than her husband. One said she loved me at the end of first date and wanted to move in with me.

Hoping for success: Well, I am currently dating a lady and I am very optomistic about this one.

Ok, well. I hope I added to the fun.

TD


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My cop buddy had to chase my rebound chick out of my life.

Not kidding here. As previously noted, I spun out on booze and coke while going through my D. Ended up getting roped in by this girl who used the crap out of me. Could see I was hurting and played up to it so I would keep funding the party.

Had to get her removed from my house eventually when I tried to get clean/sober. Thankfully it worked.

Man, I was a sucker in those days for tender (seemingly) understanding words and touch.

Looking back, I was emotional road-kill for quite a while after D. Even when I started my current R.

Glad to say done a ton of work and continue doing so. Life does get better. But we gotta do the work. Frankly, in my experience, rebound situations are an inevitablity for most of us. I think we almost have to have one to get it out of our system before we can love again.

In my book, it is ok to rebound. Just dont marry the person or have kids or anything that would permanently link you to them. Try not to break their heart either. A mature person will recognize that they are your rebound person and just keep it light.

Glad that phase is behind me.

Ciao.

Chaz

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Hi GiGi,

I am a more a lurker on the boards, but I remember all your posts. I am also getting ready to relocate for work from MA to CA in the bay area. How did you handle it all? I am going to be divorced next week and right now everything just seems so overwhelming. Any tips you can share?

Thanks Lilac


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Gigi, it is so wonderful to find you hear. I was thinking about you and Rob the other night and wondering how you two were doing. It has been nice being able read and catch up.

Congratulations of the degree and moving forward with your life in such a healthy way. Much happiness to you, Rob and your family.

I did the rebound thing with someone I met on the DB forum. Turns out quite a few ladies were doing the rebound thing with the same guy

He was a smooth talker, said exactly what I needed to hear and I jumped into the relationship with both feet. For me the reason was needing to feel something different from what I was feeling.

My divorce and my ex's actions caused emotional pain that I don't think I will ever find the words to describe. The man I became involved with distracted me from that pain.

Distraction is nice but it doesn't equal healing and I needed to heal from the divorce before I had enough sense to even know what I wanted from another relationship partner.

That rebound relationship took place nearly 8 years ago. If it had ended in marriage I'm sure I would be on this board again trying to heal from another divorce. *shudder*

I know three couples who met on this forum and are now married or in long-term relationships. Those couples are not the norm.

I've heard from and heard of countless others who became involved with someone they met hear and lived to regret the relationship.

It is easy to get "need" and "support" mixed up with love and lust. I hope that anyone who comes here will keep that in mind when they become friendly with a member of the opposite sex off the forum. Tread lightly because take it from me, relationship waters can get choppy if you aren't emotionally ready for a new relationship.

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Quote:
I did the rebound thing with someone I met on the DB forum. Turns out quite a few ladies were doing the rebound thing with the same guy

He was a smooth talker, said exactly what I needed to hear and I jumped into the relationship with both feet. For me the reason was needing to feel something different from what I was feeling.


Holy cow Cathy.... I am amazed at how many people connect dating-wise in this message board. Not surprising given that most people are single and looking to move on. However, how on earth do people from all over country connect?

Anyway... no criticim, just surprised to hear how it happens.

Like I said in my contribution to the thread.... I honestly wonder if it is not healthy in closing out the old sitch to have a rebound experience. If for nothing more than to prove to one's own self that they can attract someone new and can perhaps find out some of what they dont want. Kind of a trial and error thing.


For me, my drug and alcohol laced flings certainly showed me a darker side of humanity that I was enlightened to stay away from. It allowed me to experience some extremities of personalities that caused me to grow significantly. And wake me up.

The calamity was so extreme, it gave me a sense of what I wanted to recover to. I am now very happily married to a fabulous lady who has no drug or alcohol background whatsoever. More importantly, my program of recovery helps me in every area of my life.

So in a wierd and twisted way, my spin-out rebound adventure ended up leading me to a life I love. You know the song, "God Bless the Broken Road" (... that led me straight to you) sung by Rascal Flats? That is kinda what I feel like.

So even if we spin out in what feels like a wrong rebound direction, good can come of it. Am sure you learned a lot from your experience. Yes?

Ciao.

Chaz

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Hi Cathy!

Your words ring so true for many of us.

I think a lot of people in our shoes, those who were married for a long time, raised families, and were out of the "singles scene" most of their adult life have no "dating skills" or may be aren't emotionally ready to "date." Seems we have a cloud of confusion over our heads between dating and what a relationship is. It is so easy to meet others who have been in our shoes, had a spouse that left, and we can relate easily to that void or pain. It's not a good basis on which to start a relationship. People encourage us to "move on." I went through it, and it's a very familiar pattern. When you've had a long marriage end, in my case, it was about 24 years, you have to "unlearn" or put aside or overcome quite a bit, even the "good stuff" about a marriage. A date does not equal a relationship. Dating just means you're socializing, meeting new people, adding new dimensions to your life. I realized it was just plain dangerous to my emotional well-being to date for a bit. I was reaching for something that quite frankly was out of my abilities for the time being. I needed to re-discover me, to find that part of me that wasn't defined by a long-term marriage.

Statistically speaking, it *can* happen that you do find someone you fall in love with during that early period post-divorce. But it takes two very grounded, emotionally stable people to do that. Not many people know themselves well enough after a long-term marriage ends nor are they emotionally stable enough to be able to fully participate and support a marriage after divorce.

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I guess I had a totally different experience with my "rebound" guy. He really helped me to remember that I am an attractive person and worthy of a man's attention. We both got into the relationship at the same stage in our lives (I was almost divorced and he was in the middle of the process) and just wanted to connect with someone of the other sex. I had fun. I do not have children and neither does he, so that wasn't a factor. Sure, I knew I wasn't going to end up married to this man and my reasons for wanting to hang out with him were all wrong, but still it was a nice time.

I guess I am on what might be thougth of as rebound #2. I dont' know. We are taking thing slowly. Go out and have diner and chat about once a week. I enjoy this man's company and he understands that I am still working on myself after my divorce. He has never been married but respects where I am right now and just likes hanging out and chatting.

I am trying my best to be careful with dating. I enjoy the chance to get out and do things with a man and not just being stuck at home alone feeling bad for myself. But I am making sure that I am spending plenty of "me" time as well. I do not expect to marry this new man, at least not any time in this decade! I first need to decide if marriage is something I am still interested in. I think the key is to find a middle ground between a "rebound" and socializing?


Me-31 H-38
M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs
No kids
Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06
Found out about OW 12-24-07
Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08
OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08
OW is back 4-19-08
H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08
Filed for divorce 6-5-08
Divorced 7-2-08
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Lilac,

Wow I don't think we have ever talked on the board before but I of course welcome you. Moving from Mass to CA is a bit of a shock to the system! What part of CA are we talking about?

I'm in Southern CA and boy it took a long time to get use to the idea that I'm here. Sometimes I can't believe it at all.

There's so much to look at, so much to do, some much traffic! The people are really nice and wow are they relaxed! It's probably the only place in the country were you can go out to your mail box in your night gown and no one even notices! Ok, so I haven't been to the mail box yet (still to uptight) but I do go out on my front porch on the way to the washing machine to get clean clothes!

Gigi


"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
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Cathy, Great to hear from you!

Yes you make a great point about people meeting on the board. I should make sure that everyone understands that Rob and I are not the norm. We not only meet here but we lived 3,000 miles away. Four years later were still here and still happy but when we look back on it we can't believe we both took such a chance!

It's easy for people on the board to be attracted to one another. Your both in the same place at the same time and understand more than probably anyone else you know. Your both need to feel wanted, need to feel attractive, and need to have your needs taken care off!! But you need to remember that the majority of the people on this board aren't ready for a relationship.

Take your time with your friendship you develope here. If they are ment to be more then it will happen over time.

Gigi


"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
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