So the past few weeks have been both hard and exciting.
This is all new to me. I have never been on my "own" and I never expected that I would be the one to WA. Yes.. I made the choice to leave and I put forth the effort that made that happen. I was not happy with it but there just really was no other choice. We had done the C thing and it just never seemed to go anywhere. I found myself just really wanting out. Our ideas were not that different but we could not find a common ground.
As expected I have found out that people are not who they say they are.
I have been disappointed by a few people.
But my R with some people has been renewed and made stronger.
My big concern thru a lot of the past 2 years has been that my wife has not been honest with me. There was just always that little voice that told me she was not "all in".
Lets just say that I got confirmation of that this past Friday night.
But this does not excuse my actions over the past 2 years in any way.
But it does allow me an out.
I am OK with someone breaking the deal.
I am not OK with someone lying to me about it.
I have known for a while.. and it took me a while to act upon it. It came up in C and she denied it. I pressed the issue.. and was told I was crazy. Even the C questioned it.
The C was told that was a "crazy" idea.
So what I am left with is me WA from my wife. My son has been a trooper thru this. I have actually had him with me alot. He wants to be with me and we have a good time. My D wants nothing to do with me. I can chalk it up to her being 16 (almost 17) and being mad at the world.. but I just feel like that is not the case. She is my wife's twin and they are more friends than Mother/Daughter. So I find it hard to even find a place to grab and start moving forward with her.
So the task I need help with is how to break the ice with the D.
I call.. I text.. I checkup.. I offer.
I need some ideas beyond that.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Forest a good friend of mine is going through something quite similar with her daughter of the same age.
Keep trying. Be there.
I can't stress enough how important fathers are to their daughters.
She'll come around eventually.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Just let her know that you are there for her daily.
SHOW her how much she means to you when you are around her...
I was in a similar position, and what you describe with the Mother /Friend thing, rings really close to home for me.
What seemed to work was when I could seperate the learned behavior from the normal teenage behavior.
The normal....well.....there is a reason it is called normal...
The learned, was what I concentrated on with her.
I set rules/boundaries that were age appropriate for her, and would have been set, regardless the circumstances.
Did it make me popular ? Not by a long shot.
I also got down on her level, to get to know her...
Through time, and consistantly letting her ( and showing her ) know that I loved her and was there for her WHEN SHE WAS READY...
We are slowly getting there....
Parenting is a work in process that will never end.
Maybe slow down a bit....but not end.
As far as failing ??????
You only have failed when you think you have failed. Right now. she is a teenager. All parents have failed in the eyes of a teenager.
The true results won't be available until much later in life, and you have the chance to make a difference in her life now, that will pay off in the future.....
A wise man once posted to .... "Do Work"
I can't imagine any work, that has the promise to be more rewarding, than raising a child....
A little story for you if you care to peruse.....
One evening, an older father with a young teenage son started to ponder the reasons that their relationship had been fading recently. He had still been active in his young teen-aged son's life, or so he thought. They had done all of the same things he had done with his Father, yet the relationship didn't feel quite right to him. Words were sporadic, and interests varied.
This troubled the Father considerably. During his thoughts, he wondered what could close the gap so that their relationship would prosper. He thought of all of the things they could do together. They could go fishing, they could find an old car to work on. These were things he had done with his Father. They were doable, yet his son's activities always seemed to be in the way.
One evening, during the spring, he had an epiphany. He would take his son on a road trip for a month. They would travel to each city that they could, and see a professional Baseball game in each stadium. His Son loved baseball, and it seemed like an option that would make his Son very happy.
They started their journey in late spring. One by one, they visited each stadium , saw almost every team, and really connected on a level that the Father thought was an impossible bridge to cross. The Father saw his Son in a light he had never seen before. And the best of those times, became less about the games and more about the times when they weren't at the park, or consumed with the materialistic things that came with the trip.
One evening, nearing the end of their journey, they were sitting in Fenway Park. The Father had procured special seats for this, the last game they were to see together on this tour.
The Father started talking to a man in the stands, telling him all about their adventures throughout the trip. The man seemed amazed that the Father would do such a thing, prompting him to say to the Father...
You can't quit but you may have to take a different angle...
When I was a teenager, my father (he has since told me) felt much like you (although for different reasons)...
He just didn't know what to do, so he did nothing...
I am almost fourty now. I have a decent relationship with him but not as close as it could have been, and there is frustration when NOW he chooses to try to act like he should have then...
Keep letting her know you are there for her...
Teenage girls and dads...is awkward at best anyway for a while...
So what are her passions, her interests, her likes?
How can you get to her level?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
So, there was another man involved? Or woman? I am sorry Forrest. I always felt you and Jenny were meant to be together. From what you've told me, I thought you couldnt divorce, not that you didnt want to, you couldnt, you know?
My H's xBiL, "lost" 17-18 yr old his son after their divorce. He refuses to talk to him after 2 years almost. His father quit 6 months ago. The boy told me, "I knew he would give up eventually, he really didnt love me that much". (Sidenote: his father's R with his brother is VERY close, THAT played a big role.) But he was sad. So, I agree, do not give up. Stay strong xxx K
Whatever happens with your wife don't give up on your daughter. Coming from a daughter with no relationship with her father you have to keep trying and trying, your relationship with her will influence all of her male relationships in her life. I realize now that I seek out men like my father who are distant and not really there. You want her to have a loving happy relationship for herself and sadly your relationship with her will be a big factor in that. It is hard being a teenage girl even in the best of situations she will push you away. Don't just focus on your son and leave her out. Keep trying. Show her you love her even if you don't feel it back. She is the same little girl on the inside as she was when she was 5 looking for her daddy's love and time.
Forrest, One thought comes to my mind and its in the title of a song........... Altho this was a son / father relationship it holds very true
The cats in the cradle...........llalalla
My father left me emotionally at about the age of 13, I always thought i was a daddy's girl.....He was an alcoholic workaholic. I felt devastated!, If he had only reached out to me, if only he had tried to have a relationship with me.. If only's.......Have plagued me alot of my life.
My Dad committed suicide when i was 27 he was 52, We never formed a bond.....he actually killed himself after we had a blow up about my boyfriend ( Whom is my Hubby for 28 years now ) We spoke words of anger, and things went silent.....
Please try to connect with your daughter...It just takes a little effort on both parts.
Mach.gave U very good advise.
I'm sorry your in the situation U are. Im a long time lurker on this site..and I have read every post of yours from the beginning.
