XYZ is here, but I won't be staying...

[XYZ]

Hi All - This is XYZ. Been gone a while, but checked in a couple days ago and decided I owe you all an update and I'll give it, but doubt I'll be staying. So....

As you recall, W asked me to come home on 11/4/10 after a two week sep. It was the happiest day of my life. Piecing didn't stick. Started off ok, but W wouldn't spend time with me, wouldn't really "talk" with me, etc. We were civil and nice, but no real effort on her part. I tried and tried. I scheduled dinners out. I arraged baby sitters. I asked her to seek counseling with me. I listened. Boy, did I listen and when she spewed, I shut up. I owned my mistakes. I did it all. Over and over and over I tried. She was always full of excuses.

Well, short version is that I got my own place a month ago. I hired a lawyer last week and we are working on the property settlement. I love my "W", but not the women in her body, now. I'm done. It's over. She can kiss my a$$. I don't know how she can live with herself and her actions. I have found peace that despite my years of mistakes, I busted my a$$ to fix it and did EVERY thing I could do. I owned my mistakes; she embraced her's.

X out.

P.S. I wish the best to all of you. You helped me so much during a very diffult time. Especially Harrier, Bolt (I read his updates and I'm so sorry, man!) and best of all - Jack. You guys are the best.

[XYZ]

Should also tell you...I've been on 3 dates and have a few more lined up! Nothing serious, but I'm actually having a little fun!

[Harrier]

X-man,
Buddy. I'm glad to hear from you, but really sorry for the circumstances. Sounds like you are doing ok.

I would love to ask you a couple of questions, but I know you probably don't want to re-hash the last 3 months. I'm scared of going down the road you were/are on. I know it's not the end of things if that happens

I kind had a bad feeling when I didn't hear from you for a while. Actually I probably feel more bad for you now than you do.

This post kinda hit me a little hard. You and Bolt where my 2 buds on here. Bolt got blindsided by his W. and now you didn't quite make is as your W wasn't there for it. It is disheartening especially since my W seems to be doing a lot of what your W did.

I wish you the best man.

[XYZ]

Hey Harrier - Ask away. If it helps you, then it won't be all for naught.

I can tell you my biggest mistake of all -- and people on here told me I was making it as I was making it, but I was smarter then they were. I showed them!....

When W asked me to move home I replied "yes, yes, yes, I'll be then in 5 minutes" and I was. I should have said something along the lines of "A lot has happened, let me think about it a bit" and then a few days later, "I have conditions for coming home: therapy, date night, quiet walks on the beach (whatever, you get the point), if you can meet those conditions, I'll come back; if not, sorry, I can't." I was too scared that she would say no. But in reality, that would have been easier to do.

I let her off the hook with a fake try to make her feel less guily. I'm convinced that it was never for real, she just wanted to be able to say "see I tried and he still [censored]".

X

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hey XYZ,

Not to sound too Polly-Anna here, but the future is written in smoke.

Meaning who is to say what will happen.

Despite my parents best efforts telling me the stove was hot, I got that cool a$$ multiple ring burn on my right hand as a kid.
And then I knew what HOT was.

And now you do too.

I also feel that our first attempt was nothing more than to allow her to say she tried. With an eye toward finding the quickest and fastest excuse to call it off.

Dating?

No recrimation. Nothing like that just a cautionary word, ok?

You are hurt, no matter what you say. Just go slow and easy. I know alot of people here who rush into what seems like a great thing and over look the warning signs that would wave us off if we were...healthier.

Go slowly, you can hurt yourself, and a person who is less deserving than even you.

Don't get me wrong, enjoy it...but make sure your both on the same page. And if you both are? Enjoy it as often as you can.

: )

I hope that you find in time a...reason to post here again.

I think in time...if your heart isn't too hard, you will.

[XYZ]

Thanks, Jack. It's funny. I looked her yesterday for the first time in months. It had become my mission to almost forget this place, it was too painful. But today, I feel like I've come back home in a sort of way, to an old group of friends. Friends that I wouldn't know if I bumped into you on the street or even know your name, but friends none-the-less.

My dating is for fun and fun only. I'm nowhere near ready for anything more than conversation and meaningless .... ehhh fun.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I know what you mean.

I have friends here who know me better than my friends in the meat world. People I can tell things to because of shared experiences that would never pass my lips in real life.

It is a safe place.

We are in this together; alone.

[Harrier]

X-

Qs

Was there any one event that kinda pushed you over the edge?

Did you just sense your w had stopped doing anything?

During the whole time did our D give you any verbal assurances that she wanted to work on things?

Do you think she really change or did you change?

Lastly, did the months of her not trying change the way you looked at her. Did it cause you to lose those feelings for her. was she aware of this and Did she care?

[XYZ]

Hey H -

(1) I guess if there was 1 event, it was time when I went out of my way to schedule a baby sitter and dinner out. I busted my rump (multiple reservations, 2 hours’ drive w/kids to in-laws) to have her cancel because she was too tired. Then found out she'd been hanging out with a girlfriend all afternoon. Plenty of time for her friend; none for me. That type of thing was frequent and eventually eye opening.

(2) I called her on spending time with me and she just refused. I repeatedly asked for a resumption of weekly date nights and there was always a reason not to.

(3) They most she would say was she was "trying", but I can't for the life of me tell you any actions on her part that would constitute trying.

(4) I KNOW that I changed (for the better). She did too, just got grumpier and less fun.

(5) No, my feelings for her are the same, but they are targeted as a memory of the "real" her. This person she is now is not that her. Even now, I get myself in trouble when I remember that old her and not who she is now. I long for the old her; I can't stand this new one. I have to get through my head that that is who she is now and the old one is gone forever.

[Harrier]

Hey H -

(1) I guess if there was 1 event, it was time when I went out of my way to schedule a baby sitter and dinner out. I busted my rump (multiple reservations, 2 hours’ drive w/kids to in-laws) to have her cancel because she was too tired. Then found out she'd been hanging out with a girlfriend all afternoon. Plenty of time for her friend; none for me. That type of thing was frequent and eventually eye opening.

(2) I called her on spending time with me and she just refused. I repeatedly asked for a resumption of weekly date nights and there was always a reason not to.

(3) They most she would say was she was "trying", but I can't for the life of me tell you any actions on her part that would constitute trying.

(4) I KNOW that I changed (for the better). She did too, just got grumpier and less fun.

(5) No, my feelings for her are the same, but they are targeted as a memory of the "real" her. This person she is now is not that her. Even now, I get myself in trouble when I remember that old her and not who she is now. I long for the old her; I can't stand this new one. I have to get through my head that that is who she is now and the old one is gone forever.

Thanks man.

I see some similarities between your W and my W and some difference.

1. I would like my W to have lunch with me once in a while - and she has done that, But I do know that she has lunches with co-workers weekly and they are usually extended lunches. I understand the feeling less important.

2. My W does spend time if I request. We watched a movie together on Sunday. But she refuses to schedule at 'date night" because she said she hates the idea of scheduling something.

3. I get the "I'm trying too. " But I do know we both got a little lazy with trying when things improved. She has made some efforts that I can look at though. She did agree to MC and agreed to go back to MC.

4. We still are pretty good friends actually. She can be fun and funny.

I dunno, I was having a bad day and your post kinda hit me. I'm outa the funk now.