Sorry I was not more available during the weekend festivities!!
Hope you guys had fun!!!!
I think you did a fine job with regards to your son........we can disect what you said and did nine different ways to h@ll and back.......
at the end of the day you acted as a father......
Right, wrong or indifferent......you acted......Bravo!!!
I would say that you have laid a good foundation for repairing that R with your son. You "respectfully" advised him and it sounds like he listened.......
Now.....let it soak in.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I wanted to provide everyone with an update as well as journal what has transpired over the past few weeks. I was not going to post some of this and did not for a while but I feel it important to put it out here.
Here goes….
In Mid May I was informed that STBXW’s lawyer had filed a several motions in court. In short, they were seeking 1) full custody, 2) lifetime alimony 3) a motion to have me pay her legal fees 4) determination and payment of alimony and child support immediately and 5) that I pay all household expenses (i.e. mortgage, electric, oil, etc.) immediately . Note: Since I left the marital home, I have continue to pay exactly what I was paying while I was living in the home, although not legally required to do this, I did it for several reasons..1) I felt it was the right thing to do and 2) I have continued to try and handle this D process the best way I can. Having said this I was amazed at the motions that were filed as was my attny. We contacted STBXW’s L and she agreed on Friday to not move forward with the motions on Wednesday 5/18, since we were already scheduled to be in court on 5/20. In preparation for the 5/20 court date, I scheduled an appt with my attny for 5/17.
On Monday, 5/16, W’s L marked the motions “ready” which meant that she was moving forward (even though on Friday she said she was not). I asked my L to find out why she agreed to hold off on these motions on Friday only to move forward on Monday. My L never received a call back.
I kept my appt with my L on 5/17 and we discussed how it made no sense the W’s attny moved forward with these. I also pointed out to my attny that on Wednesday STBXW was scheduled to take D to a school trip. My attny commented that she thought that this was unfair to my D and decided to call STBXW attny that moment (it was about 5:30 pm). I was in her office when she was speaking with W’s attny. It was an interesting conversation – STBXW’s attny said that she has not had a chance to review the offer that was submitted by my L and she just forwarded it to STBXW – who apparently flipped out and did not understand it. W’s attny agreed that we should cancel Wednesday, especially given that W was supposed to take D to a school function. W’s attny contacted STBXW who said “NO – this needs to move forward – it has dragged on to long”. W’s attny tried to explain to W that we already had a date two days later set. W said she did not care that she needed money and needed the security. So at the last minute I ended up having to go to court.
When I arrived W was there alone. She looked lost. She looked a little sad. I did not say anything other than do you know where the attny’s are. She said no. I remember looking at her and thinking…..why did this need to happen, this [censored] big time and it was at court that I realized just how lost she is. This is really about what SHE wants. I also realized just how much part of me has come to totally understand and respect it. I guess I finally came to realize that she is entitled to make and live HER choices. I am ONLY responsible for mine. I stood looking at her….damn…this really [censored]. [censored] for the kids, [censored] for me – I guess though, that she is happy. All of sudden….while I am standing there feeling this compassion and sadness…I see a women walking down the aisle…crying. She had just lost her kids to her H. I got angry…angry at STBXW, angry at the whole process. I had to remind myself that I helped put myself in this position and although she is in her own crisis, I must own my piece. I did not wallow in guilt just an acknowledgement of my role.
My attny arrived a few minutes later and we secured a conference room. We invited STBXW into the room so that she did not have to stand out in the hallway and she declined. My attny and I sat in the room and she explained to me a few things 1) her legal strategy 2) that she felt that STBXW did not have a case to request full custody and 4) that she would try and speak with STBXW L, whom she felt is totally unorganized, about seeing if we could use the time in the court to address some of the other unresolved issues. What I will say before getting into the details is that almost everything I hope to accomplish I did.
As I was sitting in the “room” it was a weird feeling. In one way it was a feeling of calm and peace and on another a feeling of sadness. About 1 ½ hrs later Mary Ann’s attny walked in with Mary Ann. Greetings ensued and both attnys agreed to start discussing the topics that I had sent to my attny via email. The first topic was custody. To say that the conversation ended up getting intense would be an understatement. Some of the key points were …
• My L to STBXW – “you seem to be holding on to these kids like they are only yours. I do not understand why they cannot be with their father on the days that you are working late”. STBXW had no real reason. Both L’s agreed to “liberal and free access as it relates to the parenting plan”. In short, the lawyers both agreed that WE both should be able to see the children as often as we wanted (in addition to the parenting plan). This prompted the next discussion.
• I argued that STBXW does not communicate with me as it relates to the children. I brought up examples where I would send her a text on the days that she was scheduled to have the children but would never respond. Both L’s agreed to a court order that says the STBXW must respond to a phone call from me within 24 hours and MUST initiate a weekly email to me every Sunday with a status on what is going on with the children and any schedule changes.
• The Parenting Plan – here is where STBXW really did not help her case. In her proposed schedule, I would have the kids (and my dog) on Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and every other Friday. STBXW currently is off every Sunday and Friday. I asked that we change the schedule to Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and every other TUESDAY instead of Friday. My rational was that since it is STBXW day off it would be good for the children to be with her. STBXW said that she wanted to leave it the way it was (in short, she gets every Saturday night to herself and every other Friday night to herself). My attny made a comment to the effect that she found it interesting that STBXW WANTS the kids so much but does not want them on her days off. This made STBXW attny look at her client in amazement. Although I wanted to change the schedule I decided that this point was not worth arguing and said “fine leave it the way it is”.
• The next topic was probably the most heated one. STBXW wants “primary residence”. My attny asked WHY? If you have agreed to 50/50 custody – why do you need primary residence? What purpose does it serve? STBXW could only answer with…it is what I have wanted all along. My attny said…but why …for what purpose? STBXW could not answer. She started to get teary eyed. She could not answer the question. I asked her (note I realized afterword’s that I was rescuing again) is it because you want the school bus stop to be at your house? She said yes? My attny said then fine, but since I am going to write the agreement please know that it will have no legal significance other than for “school purposes”. At this point STBXW got really angry. Accusation started flying about ME allowing the kids to do whatever they wanted, about me having the kids friends over on school nights, about me having the kids girlfriends over. She went on to say the friends the kids are not of good character and that their parents did not know where they are. I would say that at this point, the calmness I had went right out the f*cking window; although I was not screaming I was NOT going to tolerate these accusation – so I responded. Point 1 – As it relates to the kids friends over OUR house during the week…this is NO different than when I was living in YOUR house STBXW. We both have raised our children to feel comfortable with kids at our house. We allow this so that WE can watch them and know where they are. Maybe your views have changed since then– mine have not. Point 2 – Yes the boys girlfriends…actually my middle sons girlfriend has been over during the school week and baring one or two times she is gone by 8:30 PM – YOU on the other hand STBXW…have allowed our sons girlfriends to be in YOUR house during the week when NO ONE is home. For example I went over a few weeks ago to drop something off and our oldest son was in the house with his girlfriend in his room by himself. Not only were they alone but she was laying in his bed. So really STBXW..really…not good character. Pont 3 regarding the kid’s friends. I do not claim to know what every kid’s home life is like. What I can tell you is that they are good kids as are most kids. They also are in the house with ME an adult, not walking the streets and getting into trouble. Bottom line STBXW..is that YOU do not know these kids. That is when my attny jumped in and said to STBXW…Miss X…you will need to understand that just as YOU do not want Mr ericmsant to tell you what you can and cannot do in YOUR house, you cannot tell him what to do in his. Are you suggesting that my client is not a good father? Her response – NO. My attny went on to say to BOTH of us..that in the perfect world the two of you would be able to discuss thing but obviously you cannot. Miss STBXW since you have already shown that you have difficulty communicating with my client I am going to suggest that we put in a court order that requires you to send my client a weekly email on Sunday with any parenting issues that you have. At this point STBXW brought up the flexible parenting plan again and said that sometime our middle son want to go over to his father house on HER day. I responded and said yes STBXW, but that is why the agreement says “flexible” I also pointed out that when our middle son asks me I always say to him to ask his mother and if she is okay with it so am I. At this point my L said to me…ericmsant2, you should be contacting her directly. I responded I try but she never returns a call nor does she respond to text. STBXW response was because I am driving. I said I understand that but you never respond. She had no comment. At this point my L said that going forward part of the agreement would be that STBXW is to return my call within 24 hours and that IF she cannot be reached that I would make the decision on if my son could come over. STBXW’s attny chimed in and said yes Mary Ann, as teenager they tend to want to make their own plans and since Mr. ericmsant2 is available they should feel comfortable with going to their fathers house. I suggest that you two discuss this in the weekly email. FTR, the weekly email is now a court order.
At this point, the two attny suggested that before we tackle some of the more difficult issues that STBXW and I step outside the room.
X and I were outside the room for about an hour and a half. We both went out to have a smoke and all of a sudden STBXW, started to talk to me about what is going on with our oldest son (first time she had done this in months). She said that his is having panic attacks and is very stressed out. She said that only his therapist can calm him down and she thinks it has to do with his girlfriend. It took everything inside of me to now go off on her. I wanted so bad to tell her that SHE did not help this. That as a result of some of her actions, her now feels like the man of the house and feels he needs to take care of her. I wanted to remind her of the things that she has said to him that place her in a victim role but I did not. What I did say was that he is 17 years old and dealing with the stress of all of this. Some of this is the entire process and some of it is just the result of being 17. She said she did not feel that the D was causing him any stress. I then went on to say that I have made a choice to leave him alone, that I love him with all of my heart and that I am here for him whenever he wants me. I also said that what he will need to learn is that ALL of, will deal with the result of the choices that they have made in their lives and that I have decided that the best thing for him, at least IMO, is for him to feel and experience whatever he feels he needs to go thru. I reiterated how much I loved him and said I would call later. I also said, that I appreciated that she was taking the time to let me know what is going on with him. She said thank you. I walked away and she stood outside…and pulled out her phone to make a call. About ½ hour later the attny called me and asked us to come back in. We did, and they decided to take an hour break and meet again at 2pm. As we walked outside, my attny pulled me aside to let me know what transpired in the room between her and STBXW attny.
Here is what my attny said to me.
Ericmsant2….STBXW attny is having issues with her client. Her client is unrealistic and has no sense of what is equitable. My attny said that STBXW L is trying hard to get her client to realize that she is not going to get everything.
My attny said.... ericmsant2, if she could have taken the crumbs off of your dinner plate she would. She wants everything. She then went on to say that STBXW attny understands just how unrealistic her client is being.
Bottom line, the most important thing to me is time with my kids. The second most important thing is my financial security.
A good friend of mine asked me what my vision was for myself now. Here is my answer….
I see myself as a kick as* single dad. I see myself happy although I know that I still have feelings that I must deal with I see myself learning how to live on a very tight budget I see myself alone at least from a relationship standpoint I see a time of growth for me I see a maturity in me that was not present until all of this happened I see the man that I wanted to be…..in sight…I see him…. I see a relationship with my STBXW that is functional I see my oldest in my life…. I see some tears that still must be shed…
And I see a bright future, one that will have some bumps and challenges…but a bright future none the less.
The above text was drafted about ½ months ago…
Since then the following has happened:
1) My oldest has begun to stay at my house with his two younger sibilings. 2) My middle son continues to be amazing. He is an amazing kid. Has a heart of gold. 3) My life is filled with happiness…. I still have my days from time to time…but the sense of peace I feel is wonderful. 4) STBXW is slightly more “reasonable”…although I just received word from my Attny on her latest request.
In closing, I leave you with this….dealing with an MLCer is tough…really tough…think of it (at least in my sitch) as trying to deal with a teenager. You say the sky is blue they have to say it is RED. They don’t know why…they just have to. The best thing to do is stay out of the way, go find your happiness, leave’m alone and hand them over to God. Expect nothing. Protect yourself at all times. They can change like the wind, nice one day, distant the next, etc.
Realize that a lot of times, they truly are in their own world. What matters is what THEY want and they will do whatever it is they feel they need to do to get it. So the sooner you let go and let God the better YOU will be.
Have a happy fourth of July everyone and I can’t wait until 8/26 & 8/27….party at casa d ericmsant2…
Love…..never lose it…even for your spouse….as hard at it may be…find yourself and maybe just maybe you will reconcile. That was not the path for me. My path is mine to write, my to walk. I thank my STBXW in a way, I will always be thankful and grateful of the good times we had, for our children, and for “us”.
We had ups and downs, chit…we had some sideways but I don’t want to x-rated on this (he, he, he)….No seriously, my hope and prayer is that she find what it is that she is looking for. Maybe one day, she will come to realize how much I was in love with her. Actually I still do love her, just not in that way. The person that she is now is not the person that I would want in my life.
Oh…and for some of you that are coming to the party, I will try and email the details this weekend.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
What a journey eh? Damn it's tough. I always will love your honesty man. Keep keeping it real. Fwiw, it's ok to get mad Bro. It really is. It's how you choose to move forward. Hell, I read your post and I got mad, then sad, and then mad again. What's cool is it only lasts for a little bit now, right? Stay strong Bro.
Man I wish I could come to the party. I just flat out can't afford it. My financial baggage runs thick like molasses. It's an honor to know you and thanks for all your help.
Side note, MF'r when are you going to return my call?
Finally, after slogging for days through each of your threads, I finished reviewing your sitch. Each of ours has a different spin, but I have to say, what a saga yours has been. And Dude, I have to say I am sorry you've had to go through this. But each of us has to, so there it is.
Just a few observations ...
1) Hindsight is 20/20, but it appears each of you staying in the same house never allowed that introspective time for each of you to continue your journeys and begin healing. In effect, both of you became stuck in the same tunnel. And inside that tunnel, familiarity only bred contempt on her part as your W was constantly faced with her guilt. In the beginning she was very cordial, and I can see how you would be hopeful and want to stay in the marital home. Over time, your sitch deteriorated steeply, and ended up causing you immeasurable anguish and issues for your kids. That said, it is clear you did become the dad you knew you could be. Clearly, you are a good man with big, big heart.
2) I find it interesting that throughout all your threads, you never mention (until May 2011) the dating / R you had with other women. It is if you had compartmentalized this aspect of your life and hid it away. You poured your heart of about everything else, but never brought this to light. I wonder why? Just curious.
3) Your W is in such obvious pain. It is hard to say where she will end up. Her pain makes it evident how much she knows she's just how much and whom she is losing in this process. She just cannot understand why she's doing it. She's in the tunnel. So sad. I know you miss the old W. I bet she was a wonderful W and mother. I feel pain for your loss Eric. I really do. Maybe now she can finally continue her journey (and you too).
4) You definitely spent the time for soul searching (with great success I might add). You are in inspiration in being honest with one's self and making good use of those 2x4's!
5) Your sitch to continue living with your STBXW definitely handicapped you in many ways. I'm curious, what would you have done differently? Maybe nothing. You called your shots the best you could and played your cards as they were dealt. However, that is the past. The only questions now are how will you do things differently in the future?
6) I can see how both of us slowly killed our M's with our drive and ambition to provide for our families. Financially we were rock stars, and our intentions were nobel, but fundamentally flawed. Emotionally, we abandoned our W's and must now pay that price. I am sorry we both had to learn this lesson, but learn we must.
7) Your D is not yet final. Makes for a less than ideal summer with that always in the background. Keep your chin up and keep doing what you're doing to take of yourself and your kids. I know you will.
