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#2077953 - 09/17/10 05:59 PM Re: Trying Again [Re: SillyOldBear]
Frustrated2 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/10
Posts: 50
I truly appreciate the feedback here, it really helps to give me different perspectives.

I definitely have some things of my own to work on. While my husband is outgoing, I am shy; he is agressive, I am timid; he is uninhibited, I am inhibited; he is demanding, I am a pleaser - it is not surprising that we have fallen into many of the patterns that we have. Additionally, I am sensitive and easily offended, but slow to forgive. These days I have little patience, am quick to anger and defensiveness always lies just below the surface.

In the past several years, I have slowly been working on GAL because I have recognized that I have to be responsible for making myself happy. While I have not been good about setting concrete goals, I have been working on making new friends and spending more time doing things that I enjoy. There have been times when I felt guilty (there's that word again) not spending the time or attention on my husband, after all, how do we improve our relationship if we are out doing our own thing? but I know that the key is in balance; I have to be happy and feel good about myself in order to be a healthy partner in the relationship. It is often confusing for me because he is very needy for my time and attention, but he is not good at reciprocating, maybe this is one of the Love Languages things?

Another thing that I have a hard time with is the 180 concept. I am such a reaction person that I have a hard time stopping myself from the typical behavior. It is something that I definitely will give more thought to.

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#2078489 - 09/19/10 05:45 AM Re: Trying Again [Re: Frustrated2]
Young at Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/09
Posts: 568
Loc: Washington, the State
Originally Posted By: Frustrated2
...I definitely have some things of my own to work on.

...I am shy;

...I am timid;

...I am inhibited;

...I am a pleaser

...Additionally, I am sensitive and easily offended, but slow to forgive. These days I have little patience, am quick to anger and defensiveness always lies just below the surface.

...I have been working on making new friends and spending more time doing things that I enjoy.

....There have been times when I felt guilty (there's that word again) not spending the time or attention on my husband,

...It is often confusing for me because he is very needy for my time and attention, but he is not good at reciprocating, maybe this is one of the Love Languages things?

...Another thing that I have a hard time with is the 180 concept. I am such a reaction person that I have a hard time stopping myself from the typical behavior. It is something that I definitely will give more thought to.


I think that you know both yourself and your husband very well. I think that you have just about everything you need to start making a huge change in your life. You are fully capable of changing your life for the better.

By your own words, your GAL or 180 should address "shy, timid, inhibited, pleaser, sensitive, easily offended, slow to forgive, spending time with your husband, and changing your responses."

Belly Dancing or pole dancing exercise, if practiced at home with your husband would address shy, timid, inhibited and time with you husband.

Of course karate could address shy, timid, and getting control of your emotions. Martial arts are great for giving a person a feeling of self confidence and ability to control ones emotions.

Affirmations, (audio tapes you listen to where you repeat out loud statements about how good you are and happy you are with yourself) are very powerful as is visualization for changing your life.

Figure out what you want (and it sounds like you already have) to improve in your life and then make plans to make it happen.

You can do it. Good luck to you and your husband. I hope that you find the happiness that you deserve. Try something outside your comfort zone.
_________________________
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.

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#2079252 - 09/20/10 09:49 PM Re: Trying Again [Re: Young at Heart]
Frustrated2 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/10
Posts: 50
Right now H and I find ourselves in a place where we often get stuck. We both agree that we need to change our situation. He is trying to be patient and not pressure me, I recognize this and I appreciate it but I am not yet feeling sexual or comfortable opening up to him. Usually this is where he gets frustrated at going without and loses patience with me and then I feel anxious and give up because I don't know what to do. I am good with snuggling and cuddling, but not ready to "go all the way." So I am wondering if any one has suggestions for some in-between activities that will help my husband feel that he is not being deprived and also are allowing me to make small steps in feeling comfortable in the sexual arena again?

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#2079329 - 09/21/10 12:31 AM Re: Trying Again [Re: Frustrated2]
DaddyLongShanks Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 1999
Frustrated2,

This is a very good attitude to have. You are looking at what you can do to help the situation. Not many are willing to look at what they can do to help it.

I'm going to let someone else make suggestions.

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#2080297 - 09/22/10 05:22 PM Re: Trying Again [Re: Frustrated2]
SpinFree Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 137
Loc: Arkansas
Originally Posted By: Frustrated2
Right now H and I find ourselves in a place where we often get stuck. We both agree that we need to change our situation. He is trying to be patient and not pressure me, I recognize this and I appreciate it but I am not yet feeling sexual or comfortable opening up to him. Usually this is where he gets frustrated at going without and loses patience with me and then I feel anxious and give up because I don't know what to do. I am good with snuggling and cuddling, but not ready to "go all the way." So I am wondering if any one has suggestions for some in-between activities that will help my husband feel that he is not being deprived and also are allowing me to make small steps in feeling comfortable in the sexual arena again?


Racing in from left field, it SpinFree!

Is there a way that you can show him what you find sexy?

Show him by nibbling/caressing the parts that you think are hot? Run your fingers through his hair? Have him put "his big strong hands" on your calf/hands/hair. If he gets anxious for more, you can tell him "this isn't a big mac, it's a four course meal, wait for it..."

For me, the hardest part of my SSM was the feeling of rejection/undesirability. Showing me that she desired me even if/when we're not having sex is super huge for me.

If he's frustrated/grumpy let him take care of himself during the playtime or after. Let him be responsible for his own release. You be responsible for showing your partner that you desire him. (and vice versa)

SpinFree, on the edge of being free from a SSM (and into a great new marriage with the same lady) and into the wide open victory of being much less angry
_________________________
Me 42
Her 38
D 8
S 10
S 14

Married 18 years, together 20

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#2080452 - 09/22/10 08:20 PM Re: Trying Again [Re: SpinFree]
Young at Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/09
Posts: 568
Loc: Washington, the State
Originally Posted By: SpinFree

...For me, the hardest part of my SSM was the feeling of rejection/undesirability. Showing me that she desired me even if/when we're not having sex is super huge for me.


+1!!!!!

One thing that my wife has done a couple of times when we are "making out" and I get really aroused but she doesn't have time to ML because she has to get up and go to work, get to sleep so she will be able to get up in the next morning, or hop in the shower to get dressed in time to make an appointment, is to tell me that I am a good man and some specific things that she admires in me (5 Languages of Love "words of affirmation") run her fingers through my chest hair or the hair on my head then kiss my body (5 Languages of Love "touch"), then tell me that she intends to take care of me either in the morning or the following day and that I had better get rested and be ready for her.

By doing that, she has made me feel loved in my primary and secondary languages of love and she has not sexually rejected me but instead told me "soon." Instead of feeling sexually rejected, I feel desired and loved.

At the worst of my SSM, it was the nearly constant sexual rejection that made me feel really bad and rationalize that she must not love me or desire me. There are alternatives that allow a partner to feel loved, if you know their primary and secondary languages of love.

I strongly recommend the Chapman book, but you can get an idea of what they are from the following website summary of 5 languages of love
_________________________
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.

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#2080616 - 09/23/10 12:11 AM Re: Trying Again [Re: Young at Heart]
SillyOldBear Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/08
Posts: 538
Loc: Midwest
That sounds like a great idea. We don't do anything that formal, but there's a big difference when she finds a way to say "Not now, but soon" instead of the old way, which too often was "Do you have to touch me like that?" or "Would you *please* stop it!"
_________________________
Recovering Sex-Starved Husband.

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#2081111 - 09/23/10 07:39 PM Re: Trying Again [Re: Young at Heart]
DaddyLongShanks Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 1999
Originally Posted By: Young at Heart
Originally Posted By: SpinFree

...For me, the hardest part of my SSM was the feeling of rejection/undesirability. Showing me that she desired me even if/when we're not having sex is super huge for me.


+1!!!!!

One thing that my wife has done a couple of times when we are "making out" and I get really aroused but she doesn't have time to ML because she has to get up and go to work, get to sleep so she will be able to get up in the next morning, or hop in the shower to get dressed in time to make an appointment, is to tell me that I am a good man and some specific things that she admires in me (5 Languages of Love "words of affirmation") run her fingers through my chest hair or the hair on my head then kiss my body (5 Languages of Love "touch"), then tell me that she intends to take care of me either in the morning or the following day and that I had better get rested and be ready for her.

By doing that, she has made me feel loved in my primary and secondary languages of love and she has not sexually rejected me but instead told me "soon." Instead of feeling sexually rejected, I feel desired and loved.

At the worst of my SSM, it was the nearly constant sexual rejection that made me feel really bad and rationalize that she must not love me or desire me. There are alternatives that allow a partner to feel loved, if you know their primary and secondary languages of love.

I strongly recommend the Chapman book, but you can get an idea of what they are from the following website summary of 5 languages of love



It doesn't take much to avert a SSM or leave the HD partner feel like she or he is hanging in the wind.

An old friend and I where talking about this, she is the HD in such a relationship. Of course the spouse is said to have said "I don't have enough time", "too busy", "worried about work", etc...

We both agreed that there is ALWAYS enough time, no matter how busy, how high pressured your environment have, how little time you have... It literally takes 5 minutes and its not always sex...

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#2081736 - 09/24/10 06:28 PM Re: Trying Again [Re: DaddyLongShanks]
Frustrated2 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/10
Posts: 50
I haven't figured out how to use the quote function on this forum yet, but would like to respond to SpinFree's question

"Is there a way that you can show him what you find sexy?"

Right now I feel so broken that I don't find anything sexy. I feel defensive and anxious. When I work up the courage and self confidence to try to do something sexy, I am accutely aware that it is not enough to satisfy my H and so it does not end up being a confidence building experience. I really need to be able to learn how to touch and be touched again, and to feel relaxed and pleasant, I need to be able to build my self esteem and confidence, but ultimately I move too slow for him. He is not interested in taking small steps for me and then relieving himself, I think he is afraid that if he allows that then we will never go back to actually having sex. Because he is so concerned about having his wants/needs taken care of, it pretty much defeats my efforts to take care of what I need. I don't want him to feel rejected, but I also don't want to feel like I am just a piece of flesh that he uses to make himself feel good.

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#2082016 - 09/25/10 01:18 AM Re: Trying Again [Re: Frustrated2]
Young at Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/09
Posts: 568
Loc: Washington, the State
Originally Posted By: Frustrated2

....I really need to be able to learn how to touch and be touched again, and to feel relaxed and pleasant,

...I need to be able to build my self esteem and confidence, but ultimately I move too slow for him.

...I don't want him to feel rejected, but I also don't want to feel like I am just a piece of flesh that he uses to make himself feel good.


Wow you really do understand the issues and know what you need to do. That is impressive.

For learning how to touch and be touched the classic approach that a sex therapist would probably use would be either sensate focus exercises or taking turns at couples massage. Both would be done for a limited period of time under orders not to allow it to lead to sexual intercourse or genital touching.

As to self esteem and confidence that is what GAL is all about. Figure out a GAL plan and implement it. Or maybe give yourself a deadline by when you will have written out a GAL plan and make that happen. Ultimately GAL is primarily for you and just secondarily for him; so the timing and getting on with it is really in your best interest in regaining your self esteem and confidence.

You have a good attitude about making your husband not feel rejected, but maintaining your integrity. Bravo. Counseling with a sex therapist might be a really good way to move forward and yet have someone to help with the balancing of these two priorities.

Good luck
_________________________
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.

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