I started dating a woman, it lasted about six weeks, she started pushing me to tell XW, which would mean telling the girls ... and I realized I'd rather avoid the complications altogether right now. The girls are way too important at this point and juggling another person's feelings, schedules and having to pay to entertain just wasn't that appealing. So I've backed off as well.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Well, it's the holidays and nearly 9 months since my last post. Not sure who is still here but, well, thought I would post an update.
XW is still with the man that she had hooked up with after we split in Spring 2010. My kids have told me that they have broken up 3-4 times so far. S12 tells me that they are going to go counseling (?). The last breakup, my XW had the good thinking of informing my kids while we were on vacation in PR this past summer. D9 began crying and then they BOTH started to let it all out. For the most part, they aren't enamored of him and D9 said at one point 'he's mean to me'. What she defines as mean really isn't in adult terms but IS upsetting to her. They've been wanting more and more time with me. Of course, they DO love their mother.
XW has started doing the BF's job, i.e., she has become an insurance agent but still cuts hair. Over the last two years her anger has diminished if not totally resolved. I have been getting much more time with them than is officially listed in our stip. I hope...HOPE...that she continues to work on Saturdays as THAT is when I get extra time with them and breaks up the six day interval. Fortunately for me, as the kids are now getting older, they can speak their piece and it is much harder to tell a 12 year old boy that he can't be with his dad. S9, has, hid under blankets in the back seat of the car when dropping her back off to her mom. So far, X has been starting to give up the time to the requests.
Over the past two years, I have accepted the responsibility of child support. I am happy to have escaped paying alimony. I never let that CS thing keep me from doing what's right for my kids. I take S12 shopping for T shirts, sneakers, etc as do I for S9 for her needs. Whereas pain and anger caused me to avoid communication and 'keep things to myself', I make sure XW is informed of all baseball games, soccer games for S9 etc and slowly, XW is doing things in return similarly (eg, buying extra copies of class photos for me). It's not easy...hasn't been easy...but, old phrases like 'not listening to the little boy inside' helps. Little boys spite their XW's. Men do what's right for the kids.
S12, as some may recall from prior posts, has become a phenomenal pitcher. He lives,eats and sleeps baseball and I wouldn't doubt it in the least if he becomes a pro. The divorce 'forced' my son to seek solace and comfort by having a catch with his dad. Now, he is sought after. Sometimes, watching him on the mound, I get choked up. He is such a kind-hearted kid and went through so much. He deserves it.
S9 is extremely bright. Thanks to The Hunger Games, she has developed an interest in archery and that gives us time to do something together. Although she is showing signs of early change, she is still a little girl and I am now in the twilight of putting her to bed, singing to her and tucking her in. It won't last too much longer but she still wants 'daddy to sing me a bedtime song'. I make sure she knows how she is loved by me. I try and be the example of the type of man she should choose if she does decide to be in a relationship someday. I put my fingers around her wrist and tell her 'that's a bracelet'...that she can always talk to me: "right or wrong, wrong or right, daddy's always for you strong"; I tell her how pretty she looks when she gets dressed. Although we are overwhelmingly surrounded by boys, I always try and put my thinking cap on: I check to see if she wants to get her nails done or if she needs something to wear.
I love both my kids so much. My biggest fear nearing the end of the divorce was that some other man would replace me or take over my position as dad. In retrospect, that will NEVER happen.
Me? I was in terrible financial shape. Near bankruptcy during the D. Some may recall that XW kept calling the police and the court costs and attorney fees billowed into a choking cloud. You may also recall that I took a leap of faith, shut my practice and started anew at a larger place 'and that has made all the difference.' I am progressively getting out of debt. In fact, my IRA was emptied paying retainer fees and that has been replenished. I continue to chip away.
As for women, I tried the online thing (and still have an acct). Either the experiences are disappointing, they live three bridges and two rivers away or are 300 miles away or they sound like my cousin Martha (teasing). I find myself still wanting to spend my free time with my children. So, an email here, a phone call there but nothing has materialized.
Overall, the pain of divorce is gone....over....and in spite of this website, was a better thing to happen. It is not healthy to stay together when one partner is unhappy and the trust is destroyed. JMO. Kids DO do better if this is done earlier than later. However, for me, I will repeat a mantra that I am stuck with. Although I have adapted to the loss of time with my kids, I will never adjust to it. I miss them when I drop them off but I DO go on with my life. I am NOT lonely but I DO miss companionship. C'est la guerre
I keep in touch with a handful of my 'originals' from here. Jeff223, for one. I throw a call out to frank_d. I've met mules qb for lunch in the past and he seems to be well. So, my friends, life after divorce: it goes on.
I wish you all a very Merry Xmas, Happy Holiday season and a very Happy New Year. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Hi FIB - Glad to hear you're doing better. Sorry to hear the kids have to deal with you're ex's makeups and breakups.
I'm grateful that my ex has been in a steady relationship (NOT an OW - she came along about a year after we separated) that seems to be pretty drama-free. Although my kids are in their twenties, it still affects them quite a bit, so I am glad they didn't have to deal with any craziness.
My love life is more unsettled, and I generally keep my dates "off the radar" with my kids, although that is tougher now that my oldest son has come home to live with me.
Glad the financials are working out, and hope you have a marvelous 2013!
