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BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Nov 2010
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Journalling -
I initiated texting with H today due to an appointment I had made in a hurry that occurred before another standing appoinment I also have.

I had to see the family doctor. Now I have medical tests to schedule. <sigh>

H. came by earlier than usual so I could make that appointment.
I offered him a drink, he declined. He did however take off his shoes and sit down for a bit to chat about nothing of significance. With our kids all over the place and busy it's usally somewhat chaotic.

I picked up the kids at H's place after conducting my business this evening. H. asked what I covered tonight. I showed him and discussed it a bit. It's a pretty crucial component to how we behave as individuals as our backgrounds have a similar core dysfunction.

I know he recognised some of it because it's so obvious it's like a punch in the nose. I saw very old and remembered pain behind those shark eyes. He's still deep in denial, but that pain was plain.

I drove home. Let him know via text at a stop light that I had something I needed to say to him,and said it when I got home.

What was said may have been enough to give him pause to think, from the responses he gave and certain tics and the timbre of his voice. I pray mightily that is so. The topic was nothing to do with him except in a tangential way.

We wished each other a good night and pleasant dreams.


A kind of grim acceptance has come over me.I have to admit these days I feel I have very little to lose anymore in regard to whatever R. I do have with H. Especially after reading on these boards tonight of three marriages that hit the wall and smashed to pieces.

I'm not the same person I was, I am finally figuring out who I am ...my true self and not the personas I created as a child out of survival.
H is hiding behind several personas, deathly afraid to show his true self, just as I was.

The sad truth is, if H chooses not to work on his damage there can't be any sort of relationship between us beyond that of superficial aquaintance.

Intimacy is defined as The authentic you sharing and being vulnerable with the authentic me, and vice versa.

Marriage requires intimacy.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,239
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Quote:
The sad truth is, if H chooses not to work on his damage there can't be any sort of relationship between us beyond that of superficial acquaintance.


It is a sad truth we eventually hit. It crept in to my realization a few weeks ago. I am just about through processing the sadness associated with it. For me the really sad part was W will not realize she has deep things to work on until she crashes into her bottom. Her losses in all this are the relationships damaged along the way; our old R being the most critical, but not the only one.

Quote:
Intimacy is defined as The authentic you sharing and being vulnerable with the authentic me, and vice versa.

Marriage requires intimacy


Yes. I will achieve this again after I have healed from the damages done through this process.

You will also!


BITS
Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
D 30
S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
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I wonder if I should tell him that if he does decide to go through with the D and not doing his work that this is ( superficial aquaintance) what level of "respect" he can expect from me. Perhaps that's all he ever really wanted.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,307
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Journalling-
H. called , I let it ring and didn't pick up.
I had the kids call him back a half hour later.
Phone got handed off to me for a bit by my oldest kid.
H. talked about work. I empathised.
Told him a bit about mine. Mentioned that my training is rather unconventional, I commented it was like following my mother when I was a child, moving on to another task before one is completed.
H. pipes up with oh, that's like following you around! "Thanks." I said. He repeats it. I say, "Thanks." again.
( No I was not sarcastic.)

I mention that being a mother to small kids doesn't exactly promote being able to complete a task before moving on to caring for them. Since the kids have grown I don't have that problem often anymore. He concedes that my behaviour may have changed since then.

He chit chats a bit more, and my child comes back to complete his conversation with his Dad. I say "_____is, back to talk to you. Goodnight. Bye."
That is that.

I'm feling anxiety right now. A need to get out and have fun with a man, any man. I am so effin' tired of being alone, being responsibile, being the go to gal, being strong.

If there is any hope for our R. God better make something big and positive soon. I don't think I can endure a lot more of this. Either that or I'm going to have to buy a chihuahua. At least a dog is always happy to see you. smile


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,307
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I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm confused.

As many changes as I've made in my own life and the lives of my kids, it feels like I'm treading water.
As busy as my life is,full of work, personal development and improvement, study, friends and family, there is an emptiness.

There are frequent days where I believe that there is no returning to this mess of what once was our marriage. This drives me to want to force my H to explain to our kids why he's left me, give back my engagement and wedding rings, tear up our marriage licence, and if H. won't start the D process, thinking like this certainly makes me feel I should. When I am this way I feel that I need to delete him from my history, choose to unremember what we shared as it was all based on a lie; a promise never meant, a vow he didn't mean to fulfill.

The next day I feel an ovewhelming compassion, affection, loyalty and love for my H.

Why?

I don't know, the feelings are not reciprocal from his end. Given his almost complete detachment I doubt he gives me much thought.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,307
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Well I bit the bullet. After all the bad news on this board in this week, I decided I had not a thing to lose. I'm in a trap, a good and true double bind as good as being between the two monsters that are my psuedonym, so...

Last night H. called. This time I kept him on the line. Chit chatted pleasantly for a time and then I asked him what are you feeling and thinking? He was confused by that and gave his typical " I don't know." response.

I'm not going to write our whole convo out because it lasted about an hour and half. The salient points:
1) H. was sure he doesn't want to be married to me. I responded I don't want what we had either in our old marriage, where neither of us was getting our needs met. Mentioned that from my perspective he emotionally checked out on me the day I became a mother. He said he thought he was emotionally intimate with me. I asked him if he knew what the definition of emotionally intimacy was. H responded he wasn't sure. would I tell him? So I did: The true/authentic you sharing yourself with me and vice versa.
I said that I realized in doing what I'm doing to heal and repair my damage that he had really been married to an emotinally stuck child at X years old in a woman's body.
That each of us has masks or facades we wear to get by in the adult world to survive as children. We typically have a mask we wear at work, one with family, with strangers and sometimes we even have situational masks or masks we wear on to deal with individual people. I told him about 4 survival masks, one of which is very dominant but that mask is not the true me. We shared the persona that were our dominant masks but not our authentic, adult selves.

2) He harbours a suspicion that all the changes I've made are not going to last.
I assured him I had absolutely no interest in returning to my old behaviours and reactions. The person I was is gone. These changes were for me and I liked them. For the first time in my life I'm not living on adrenaline, constantly waiting for the next crisis to react to.
I also asked him a question..."why do you think most changes that people make don't last?" He said he didn't know. So I told him. It made sense to him and I believe he has a clearer understanding of exactly what I'm doing to heal and change my own behaviour.

3) I talked a bit about his own health issues and their connection to his own emotional health. How he can keep putting bandaids on things but that will not solve the underlying issue. He responded he'd been told that by his doctor. ( Yay! Smart doctor.) that he needs to address the root cause of his health problems.

4) I then asked him about enroling the kids in the program I am doing and how he felt about it. He said it was a good idea and he supported it. I then asked if he supported it for their well being why would he not consider it for his own?
His answer: " I don't want to give you false hope that it's going to change my mind about divorce."
I responded that I knew this wasn't a magic wand, fairy dust or the ultimate solution to our marital issues.
That as someone that's known him for longer than 25 years, as someone that still cares and wants him to succeed and be the best that he can possibly be, as healthy as he can be for his own sake. That this is the only reason I am using my powers of persuasion to convince him to do this FOR himself above all and for our kids too. They deserve to have a Dad that isn't tired all the time, or unable to participate in their lives.

5) I pointed out he's seen me as the example. I can't give him the knoweldge I posess or walk his path or do his work or heal his wounding.
He's seen the movie trailer, the hilights in my changes.
I've given the movie a great review and him the offer of a free pass to see it for himself. If this were a real movie wouldn't he have seen it and taken me up on the offer of free admission?

I hope and pray I have gotten through to him.
I will leave it percolate. That's all I can do. The next little while will tell. I've been praying for a miracle.

Today the kids invited him out to a movie we were going to see at the theatre. He met us there and we had a few laughs. He didn't move away when my shoulder touched his. He even spoke to me at times during the movie in aside comments.

I hope........


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,024
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keeping my fingers crossed/

Bold move. Why NOt

9


BITS
M-46
W-42
M-16y
T-19 y
s10 s15
BombDec.19/09
Sep-F16/10
Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10
Recon July 5/10
PA foundOut- Oct 30/10
Mental HospNov/10
moved out Nov/10
Leg Sep Mar 15/11
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Thanks for the well wishes ninelives. I certainly hope it's impetus for H to do something. The rock and hard place I'm caught between as it now stands:
If I push for a D...then... " she wanted it."
If I don't push for a D ...then if I choose to date " she's disloyal and unfaithful."
If I talk about R...then I'm messing with my chances of reconcilation.
If I don't talk about R...then it's the elephant in the room and see above.
Either way, I continue to be alone.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 497
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I understand your feelings Scylla...We are here for you so you are not alone.


Me: 39
W: 44
SS 24
SD: 20
M: 13
T: 15
Bomb: 2/16/11
EA: 2/14/11
Papers Signed 4/13/11
Divorced 5/13/11
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