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I'm writing some goals for me right now to help me focus - and to stay focused.

Stuff on training, diet, racing. Things I do have control over. Plus, I've written my 180s to help me focus on being a better person all around.

Some of the main things I need to focus on is controlling stress, fear, and anxiety better. And working on faith - and faith in myself.

Spot on about expectations. She needs a lot of work. She's talked about just that. How can she work on the marriage if she needs more work on herself.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 197
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Originally Posted By: Mach1
I would agree...

TP, When you first started dating your wife, did you ever once ask her on a date to " Talk about your trust issues" ?

I would venture that that did not happen.

Some of your faith, and how it runs through you should be a part of this right now.

Have YOU addressed the things internally, that you needed to address ? Not because SHE wanted to see change, rather that YOU wanted to be different in those regards...

Maybe it's not a lack of faith, rather a lack of trust, in your faith ?

What do you envision your future with her looking like ?

How do you get there ?

Often, we work toward our goals , sometimes without even thinking in those terms..



The one thing that got me the most here was the question regarding our future.

And that's a tough one because my outlook is sort of foggy right now.

This hits me pretty hard. I look so negatively at it.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,350
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TPC,

I hope things go good for you and your W tonight.

Cheers


Formerly "missherlove"

Me49 XW49
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S16 D20

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison
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Originally Posted By: tpc1977
The one thing that got me the most here was the question regarding our future.

And that's a tough one because my outlook is sort of foggy right now.

This hits me pretty hard. I look so negatively at it.




Why is that ?

Are you saying that your past is defining your future ?


I hope that you had a great time last night...

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Things were pretty good - though slightly marred, in my mind, by paranoia. Sometimes I cannot shake these delusions. And I think I still see where the bottom fell out of our marriage. It's just too fresh in my memory.

But I tried to shake it off and relax.

On the way home I stopped for some Japanese cuisine. Chicken, broccoli, white rice for me. Getting back into making myself feel better. Got home and the kids were on me, loving me and welcoming me. The wife came out of the kitchen all done up, looking spectacular as usual. Her hair is getting long and it's really looking good - just beyond that awkward mid length look she always hated. We embraced and kissed. My body really felt close to hers. I could have stayed there for hours but we stopped and began getting drinks and silverware.

Multiple thoughts crossed my mind while we kissed and preparing to eat. I just cannot shake them. No matter what I do or how much I try to control them, I'm always wondering what's really on her mind or what she really wants to do. And it never leads to me and her. It leads to her and another man. Does she want to be kissing me? Would she rather it be someone else? Am I stepping stone to something better? A practice dummy? A cheap knockoff?

[Expletive!!!]

We all sat down together and started chatting about the vacation they were on. All the fun things they did. All the bad things that happened, the arguments, the jealousies with all the grand-kids, which kids paw paw loved the most or showed the most attention to. Then talks about all the sea shells they found, the boat trip off the coast, the beautiful rooms they stayed in, etc.

My youngest made sure to bring up the fact that she thought mommy was a little inebriated one day while they were rafting. She has a problem of outing her mommy to me for whatever reasons. I think she believes it puts her on my good side. She's already on my good side and I try to warn her that it only makes matters worse when she does this. It has been happening a lot less these days. "Don't talk bad about your mother. She loves you and it hurts her when you do this," I say. "How would you feel if she was doing that to you in front of me?"

During our dinner I received a phone call from HP. My step-daughter's computer crashed and I took the initiative while they were gone to see what I could do about getting it fixed. It was a hard drive failure. The computer is under warranty and they were going to replace the hard drive for free. But it was going to be like pulling molars which have been rooted deep in my gums. I hated to take the phone call but I had to. It took up most of our dinner time but everything was underway.

Both my wife and step-daughter were extremely happy. I wanted to do this for both of them. First, because I used to not be the type to jump at fixing things. Second, because I wanted my step-daughter to see how much I really do care for her. I'll probably get her to help me install the new drive and reload software. Teach a man to fish ....

After dinner we sat on the couch to watch one of our favorite reality shows, "Celebrity Rehab." Like I've mentioned in the past, this show opens dialogue with my wife and I. We can connect to a lot of the issues presented on the show. The discussion of her NA steps, accountability, where addictions and problems stem from, and getting clean all came up. It was a good conversation and my wife sounded quite positive throughout.

After the show I got up and started getting things ready for the next day. I'm one of these guys who cannot feel settled if I have anything I can get ready. It's a must - always has been - and has been one of the major problems in our marriage. In the past, once I got home I would immediately get things ready for the next day. For work, my training sessions, my meals, etc. It was on my mind and I wanted it off so this was how I solved it. Just do it. My wife saw this as a threat. She felt everything I had to do always came before the family. There was no denying it. Now I sit and force myself to relax for a long while before even mentioning things I want to get done for myself. Honestly, it's one of the tougher things I want to control in my life. It truly is a selfish habit and it needs to be dealt with.

While I was quickly getting a few things done, my wife and daughter stepped outside for a moment to look at the shells they collected off the coast of Florida. They had a bunch of conks in a bucket with some water and bleach. Soon they came in holding one and took it to the kitchen to wash off. My daughter said she was upset since they didn't buy me anything while they were there. I assured her that I wasn't expecting anything at all. The trip was about them and not me. But they wanted me to take this special shell to work. I accepted it gleefully.

It sits on my work station desk between both of my monitors.

(Here's were anyone 17 and younger may want to go to the Nickelodeon website for some cartoons. It's about to get R rated).

My mind was still getting knocked about by paranoia and the temptation to force her into marriage submission. I want to know just what in the hell she wants out of her, me, us, and our future. I forced it back and tried to relax and only show a confident, mature, attractive man. We were on the couch again and not watching anything in particular. Just relaxing and making small talk. She was holding my hand. It was so comforting, so securing.

Does she really want to hold my hand or is she doing it because she feels it's what I want?

[Expletive!!!]

My wife and I, as stated in previous posts, have started being flirty through our texts. She wanted it and I tried to satisfy her. In the recent past we've also added some flavor in our conversations to each other to spark some interest in doing different things behind closed doors. So while we were sitting there I whispered, "I want to do terrible things to you in the bedroom." It's from a verse in a Nine Inch Nails song, "Suck." I listened to it on the way home and it sort of got stuck in my head:

A thousand lips a thousand tongues
A thousand throats a thousand lungs
A thousand ways to make it true
I want to do terrible things to you

She squirmed slightly and said, "Ooh baby. Don't say anything you can't back up."

(I don't know if any of you want me to continue. So, I'll stop here for a bit. Things happened, the room spun out of control, and we passed out. I acted like I was trying to win a prize. Sort of did. More later; about that and how I feel this morning.)


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,350
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Originally Posted By: tpc1977

Multiple thoughts crossed my mind while we kissed and preparing to eat. I just cannot shake them. No matter what I do or how much I try to control them, I'm always wondering what's really on her mind or what she really wants to do. And it never leads to me and her. It leads to her and another man. Does she want to be kissing me? Would she rather it be someone else? Am I stepping stone to something better? A practice dummy? A cheap knockoff?

[Expletive!!!]



This gets better and easier when you start to feel better about yourself. There is a lot of self doubt up there......completely understandable.

It almost takes a little arrogance on your part.......

I am one hell of a man, heck I am a catch, there are plenty of women out there that would just die to be with me.

This came for me when I started to accomplish some goals in my life and I started feeling better about me.

I think I said it before, but there are books out there that deal specifically with healing from infidelity and how to deal with the fears, images, thoughts and insecurities......I would strongly suggest looking at some.

Originally Posted By: tpc1977


My youngest made sure to bring up the fact that she thought mommy was a little inebriated one day while they were rafting. She has a problem of outing her mommy to me for whatever reasons. I think she believes it puts her on my good side. She's already on my good side and I try to warn her that it only makes matters worse when she does this. It has been happening a lot less these days. "Don't talk bad about your mother. She loves you and it hurts her when you do this," I say. "How would you feel if she was doing that to you in front of me?"


I actually got goosebumps reading that.......that is simply awesome and if you did that right in front of your W you get even more bonus points.

Bravo!!!

Originally Posted By: tpc1977

After dinner we sat on the couch to watch one of our favorite reality shows, "Celebrity Rehab." Like I've mentioned in the past, this show opens dialogue with my wife and I. We can connect to a lot of the issues presented on the show. The discussion of her NA steps, accountability, where addictions and problems stem from, and getting clean all came up. It was a good conversation and my wife sounded quite positive throughout.


I understand that your wife suffers from addictions and while you may want to help her and guide her, it could come off as judgemental and almost parental in nature.

Gauge her reaction the next time the show comes on and really try to think about how she might be feeling. She could actually welcome the show and the dialouge with you but is she doing that for YOU or for HER????

Maybe you guys can keep it light hearted sometimes too, meaning look for the evening that has no R talk, no addiction talk, just you and her being you and her.

Originally Posted By: tpc1977

So while we were sitting there I whispered, "I want to do terrible things to you in the bedroom." It's from a verse in a Nine Inch Nails song, "Suck." I listened to it on the way home and it sort of got stuck in my head:

A thousand lips a thousand tongues
A thousand throats a thousand lungs
A thousand ways to make it true
I want to do terrible things to you

She squirmed slightly and said, "Ooh baby. Don't say anything you can't back up."

(I don't know if any of you want me to continue. So, I'll stop here for a bit. Things happened, the room spun out of control, and we passed out. I acted like I was trying to win a prize. Sort of did. More later; about that and how I feel this morning.)



I know this is awesome and can be very fullfilling for you and her.........

Be aware of the message you are sending......

which is.....

Everything is okay, we are good and I am fine......which is what we preach......"act as if"

however that is within the context of trying to get your spouse to "want" you back.

I think your W wants you back, I think that you are doing all the right things to keep the road back to you smooth......

however you will eventually want those lines of communication with her to be OPEN and HONEST......

That means sharing how you feel..........right now you are saying that you feel fine.

We all know that is not the case......right????

I think that at some point when the time is right, you need to clarify with her what her intentions are and you need to communicate your intentions to her........

If not.......there will be pain in the future........for you......for her.......and for your girls.

You are doing good TPC.......

You are on the right track......

Time and patience brother.

Cheers


Formerly "missherlove"

Me49 XW49
M17 T19
S16 D20

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison
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When I was feeling deep and darkly, I used to listen to "Wish" by NIN.

How are you feeling tcp?

Do not worry about the post or feel like your going to lose one of us. Vent away.

Paranoia has its place. But is that place here and now?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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I don't feel fine at all. There are so many unanswered questions rolling around in my head.

There's things I want to talk about and do it openly, honestly, and lovingly. I never feel like the time is right because of what has happened before.

She has been in very dark places and when we talked she really pointed to us being apart. It's been a while but they're still fresh wounds to me.

My worst fear is that she's not ready to be transparent and truly honest. She's not ready for accountability.

Let me put the shoe on my foot for a change. Say I had an affair and my wife wanted me to give up my phone, never be on the computer alone, close my facebook accounts (any social media), go to be when she does, would I?

In my heart, at this moment, I could say, yes. Mainly because I'm ready to sacrifice whatever to prove myself to her. She may not be there yet.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
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Quote:

She may not be there yet.


Correct.

Your justifying what you would do, based upon what you want her to do AND your pain from being the 'betrayed'. That answer is cut and dry. Black and white.

With some insight as a former WAH who also had an affair? My world was gray. It wasn't simple or easy, I am not suggesting you take pity on me...or her. I do not need it or want it. : )
She IS in a dark place, with very little white to choose from.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Originally Posted By: tpc1977

Let me put the shoe on my foot for a change. Say I had an affair and my wife wanted me to give up my phone, never be on the computer alone, close my facebook accounts (any social media), go to be when she does, would I?

In my heart, at this moment, I could say, yes. Mainly because I'm ready to sacrifice whatever to prove myself to her. She may not be there yet.


This is the kind of thinking that WILL bring you success!!!

You are right, and this is where reading up on Sandi2's posts and 25yearsmlc also has a great perspective on how a woman feels.

It takes time for them to "Want" you back, so much so that they are in a place where they are willing to help re-build that trust with you.....ie, transparency, boundaries and all the other mechanics that might be employeed.

Ultimately in the end it is up to you to slay those DEMONS running around in YOUR head.

With that kind of thinking up there, where you are taking into account her "feelings" both past and present.....YOU will chose the path that is right for you and her.

Originally Posted By: tpc1977
There's things I want to talk about and do it openly, honestly, and lovingly. I never feel like the time is right because of what has happened before.

My worst fear is that she's not ready.......


You know your situation best, and it may not be the right time, right now......I do think that eventually it will need to happen.

The challenge will be to discern between "when the time is NOT right" and "your fear of how she might react" as to when you will have that discussion with her.

The fear is more easily conquered when you "feel" good about yourself, you are strong, confident and sure of your decisions. You know that no matter what you will be fine and that you will be happy.

Usually we tell LBS to detach and distance themselves from their spouses in order to get themselves in that "place" where FEAR melts away.

Typically exposing yourself to a spouse that is still engaged in destructive, hurtfull behavior will hamper your efforts to work on YOU.

In your case, your W does not seem to be engaged in this behavior, her actions are matching her words, she is doing and saying the things you want to hear.

But you have been "burned" before and are treading cautiously....

which is smart.

You are very self aware TPC.........does not neccessarily make the steps you have to take any easier, you just see those steps more clearly than others.

Continue to be the MAN, FATHER and HUSBAND that anyone would look up too........in this you cannot go wrong.

Cheers


Formerly "missherlove"

Me49 XW49
M17 T19
S16 D20

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison
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