BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
SC, I like to say that dbing should be a way of life. And sometimes, it saves marriages.
I think you dont really want to go out with other men. Thats just a feeling, I could be wrong. Wouldnt be the first time. LOL!
I think you are frustrated and sad and tired.
Most of us have been left to carry a heavy load. You know what? I did it. I'm doing it. That's important to me.
I have done not one thing to interfere with the relationship between my son and my ex. But as a result of his actions, the relationship has changed a bit. But its theirs to handle.
I guess the thing I'm trying to say is to just get the focus off your h. He takes up way too much space in your head right now.
I am almost 4 years post bomb and I am just now seeing a slight change in the way my xh interacts with me. He is now apologizing and showing me that he still cares. I am still living my life. Moving forward and doing what I need to do to make a decent life for me and my son. It was my choice not to date. Not only because I was still married, but, because I knew I still had a lot of stuff I needed to work through;. I am still not through it all yet. Part of the way I am taking care of me.
So, put the whole dbing to save your marriage thing aside for now. Concentrate on dealin with all the stuff you are trying to get through.
When you fully detach, your actions toward your h will change. And it will be something different than the way you are interacting now. I promise you that. And doing something different sometimes brings different results, ya know?
Brooklyn, Your experience has given me a lot to chew on. It's part of the reason I feel the way I do. Your pain, your struggle, the absolutely shameful way you've been treated, has given me reason to believe it's time to pull the bandaid off now and let that divorce happen. Short circuit all the garbage you've lived through for myself.
If or when that divorce happens ( with no help from me), I'm pretty sure I will be done with H for my own self protection. I won't want someone that has treated me throughout this like used and dirty tissue, and seems to believe our children's pain now or in the future is of little consequence.
I've said this before. My H thinks I'm the damaged and different one, the one that needs fixing, the one that's crazy. He will not seek help for himself. I don't expect that to change. He likes his life or so it seems to me, except for missing our children, it's lovely.
I do not want to repeat your experience for myself. I can't change the past. My efforts in the present appear negliagble, my future. I don't want my future to be more of the same of what now is. I know I deserve, and dammit I want, more than that.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
SC, I want you to know something.I would not trade one minute of the last 3 1/2 years. Not one minute.
I have grown and changed in ways I never thought possible. My story is a long, complicated one. From my childhood until now. I have overcome many things. I had a long climb up. But climb it I did.
I promised myself three things at the beginning of this. That I would act with dignity, that I would not interfere with my son and my xh's relationship and that I would stay true to my moral compass.
I managed to keep all three promises.
Throughout this whole journey, my h has never once spoke badly to me, nor would I allow him to. He never once bad mouthed me to my son. I knew that he cared about me as much as he was capable of, I know that he still does til this day.
Yes, financially he screwed me, as did the court system. I am not blind to that by any means. And I will not forget it.
I have become the person I was meant to be. Had this not happened, I probably would not have.
I handled this exactly the way I wanted to. I have no regrets. While my life will be a struggle for a long time to come, it is my life and I wouldnt want it any other way.
Make no mistake, I am stronger and smarter than ever. I was able to show my son how to handle what life throws at you with courage and strength.
I understand what you're saying Brooklyn. For myself, I want a different path than the one you travelled. This whole journey I've been on has majorly sucked rocks and I'm tired of it. Just tired of it.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I don't believe you understand what Brooklyn or anyone else here is trying to tell you at all...
What part of "I wouldn't trade my journey" do you not understand?
If you don't want to grow and learn and become someone who is much better, kinder, compassionate, understanding, and desireable than you are... then what the h*ll are you doing here?
Is it simply to try to make yourself feel superior to others?
Nuf' said.
Brook, I am sorry for some people's lack of understanding.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Update Kids still sick, but on the mend. In a bad emotional/mental place today. Feeling more than ever that I need to let this divorce happen and forget I ever married this guy. He was/is a waste of time, waste of years, waste of tears and energy.
He thinks I'm crazy and dysfucntional. Let him.
Part of me still wants to provoke a response by saying, " Divorce me already. I'm ready and willing to date other guys, I won't wait for you. You don't want,value, or care about me, someone else would love to have me in their lives and in their bed, just get lost.
I won't do that, but the impulse is very strong.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
He was/is a waste of time, waste of years, waste of tears and energy.
If this were true, you wouldn't be hurting.
Quote:
Part of me still wants to provoke a response by saying, " Divorce me already. I'm ready and willing to date other guys, I won't wait for you. You don't want,value, or care about me, someone else would love to have me in their lives and in their bed, just get lost.
Many people do go this route unfortunately.
What examples do you want to set for your children? What type of person do you want them to see?
Find healthy ways to get this anger out. If this is you just venting here. Wonderful!
It's natural to want to hurt back when you're hurting.
He was/is a waste of time, waste of years, waste of tears and energy.
If this were true, you wouldn't be hurting.
Right, and this is how the hurting stops. He is a waste of my time therefore stop putting thought, consideration,or effort in maintaining any sort of relationship. I'm on my own - time to write him off.
Quote:
Part of me still wants to provoke a response by saying, " Divorce me already. I'm ready and willing to date other guys, I won't wait for you. You don't want,value, or care about me, someone else would love to have me in their lives and in their bed, just get lost.
Many people do go this route unfortunately.
Yeah well today I can't blame them one iota. I have had about as much as I am willing to take. Rejection isn't fun, it's agony when it's continual. So, stop putting myself out there, stop trying, there is no point. Move on, forget him and get my needs my needs met. After this period of time, every day that passes is just more confirmation that H. is not coming back,. He said so, he meant it. I have to accept it.
What examples do you want to set for your children? What type of person do you want them to see? I want them to see how to cope with adversity with grace. I want them to see kindness, strength, resiliance and dignity.
I don't want them seeing me hang on to someone or something not good for me. Someone that thinks I'm irredeemable, worthless, or crazy.
Find healthy ways to get this anger out. If this is you just venting here. Wonderful!
That's part of it. Venting most definitely. The other part is that writing it down, makes it real, and a possible direction to take.
It's natural to want to hurt back when you're hurting.
I don't believe if I said that it'd hurt him at all. He doesn't care enough. If I died tomorrow my family would have to take care of the funeral arrangements and he wouldn't show up with the kids. Yes, I truly believe that. Anything that involves me is too much effort.
He's teflon coated, self contained...stone. He has no feeling for me. I'm just his kids' mother and as that have a purpose and use for him right now. I'm convienent to have around.
I had a brief conversation with him this morning. From that I can tell you he does think I'm the crazy, aberrant, dysfunctional STBXW, just good enough to mother his kids, but not good enough for anything else.
He believes he is rational, logical, calm, reasonable and sane.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
