Ok. A synopsis as complete as I can make it right now.
H walked away from us 16 months ago. I could sense he was unhappy and now know he's been unhappy a long time. I thought he was depressed or had something physically health related going on, so we talked about it, and with his cooperation made appointments with professionals. A few things were found physically which continue to be addressed. Essentially he is in adrenal failure ( from stress) and has some hormonal and sleep issues. What's funny is he accused me of being "controlling" and forcing him to go to these professionals even though he still sees them voluntarily on his own after he left our home. Truly I did not frog march him there, I just made the appointments at his request!
Initially, 2 months before the disappearing act, he said he was unhappy. We then did the Retrouvaille recovery weekend, and 3 weeks later, he left.
I made an emergency counselling appointment for him with his knowledge, permission and cooperation, with a cognitive therapist because he was in such emotional distress and his words indicated urgency and( to me) a suicidal mindset. Unfortunately, this therapist is divorced, a little older than we are, and was the one that told me after the third joint session my marriage was over, things would be better in 18 months, bubye. He continues to see this therapist as finances and time allows.
Now, 10 years earlier he had started a health program because his health was not good and he was chronically tired and gaining weight. This health program consisted of body building, to the point where he was participating in competitions.
This as best I can pinpoint it, was the beginning of his distancing of himself from the kids and me. He kept ( and still keeps to the best of my knowledge) different hours. Up at 4AM ,in bed by 9PM, has a totally different diet ( eats 6 times a day). This you can imagine is difficult with a family to raise and various food likes, sensitivities and allergies.I supported his efforts and his activities, I was his cheerleader.
He did not participate much in my or the kids activities. On weekends or evenings he would be "tired", and computer game, watch movies or do paper work. This complaint has not changed nor has this pattern ( according to my kids complaints.)
He has not changed his wardrobe, he does not wear colonge, he has not changed his hair/dyed it. he has started wearing his glasses almost constantly where before it was just for computer related tasks. He does ordinary self care normally expected.
I have not set foot in his apartment since he moved there. He made it clear I was not welcome, and I have not asked since the first time. He is/ was always secretive about his cell phone /text messages/ computer.
He is not transparent or forthcoming about much. He has great difficulty expressing his feelings, which is part of the reason Retrouvailled failed for us. He is frustrated by his own inability to express how he feels, and he is highly confrontation avoidant.
He sees the kids midweek and on alternate weekends. He phones them nightly. He does not discuss anything with me of substance, it's all superficial or work related. He has very little interest in my life.
He acknowledges I am a good mother ( but nothing else apparently). Flat out told me he is not sexually attracted to me when I pointedly asked in a moment of despair and anguish.
I don't know what to think anymore. Truly confused.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
------Hopefully you have already done the first thing.---- The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
I don't know what to think anymore. Truly confused.
What I recommend first is to stop and breathe. No sense in both of you being out to lunch...
IF ....this is MLC, it's gonna get a lot worse before it gets better, and the better you can learn to deal with it, the better you will feel through it.
Take the time to read through the resources Cadet posted to you. Understanding the monster known as MLC will help you. Not every MLC is the same , just as every person is the same. Each one is as individual as the person having it. Although most of what you see and hear will resemble what each of us has gone through at some point.
Try to focus on you for now. You have to be there for your children, and losing yourself is not what is best for them right now....
There are no guarantees that your marriage will be saved through this, although the changes that you will go through during this time, will afford you to have the best chance to make the best choices for your future. And that future just may include a relationship with your spouse.
If this is MLC, nothing you do will help him through the tunnel any faster than he can go. No amount of pressure or guilt will cause him to walk any faster.
Try to apply DB-101 whenever possible...especially the things that you can do for you...
Also find some of the girls here and read their entire situations, post to them, many will shadow the things you are feeling, and going through.
Maybe some more about you.....
What are your goals for you ?
What are some of his complaints about you ?
Things that "sting" you should take a look at in depth, to see if they are valid or not. Then choose how you want to address them.
This is a long hard road to walk, but one that is so worth the trip if you allow it....
I am actively DB'ing. I have a great counselor at DB that I adore.
Of course I did everything wrong initially. But with my DB counselor's help, at least I am ok, even if I got the bomb last week.
I am actively working on me and have been since November of 2009, doing a specific program I can't mention here to address my issues. It's pretty comprehensive and is a three - five year commitment for me. I have changed greatly in doing this program and everyone notices, even H.
I am getting a life as best I can. Truly, I already had in many respects as H more or less used our home as a rest stop...we had parallel lives mostly with points of contact involving home and children. I was already getting many of my emotional needs met without him, as he further and further withdrew from me. My life in general has not changed that much as I had already taken on a lot of responsibility and was given much too.
I was a SAH homeschooling Mom for the last decade and now I'm seeking work. I've had a couple of temporary jobs, and am getting active in the kids school program since I enroled them this year.
His complaints about me? Oh God, where do I start?
He said: he doesn't know me at all, that I'm mean and angry, he is judged by me. He felt he was losing himself. He thinks I guilt trip him, that I am critical, domineering, bossy, judgmental, stubborn, and hard to talk to. He believes that I think I am smarter than he is. He thinks I don't care what he wants and unappreciated. He thinks I am so busy telling him what I want and what he should want and do, I forget he has feelings too. He feels intimidated by me, that I roll right over him with my words, body language and emotion. He feels like he can't be the head of the household, the strong one, and masculine because I am so strong and overpowering. He feels great anxiety and pressure in even just talking to me. He doesn't feel I respect, admire, or listen to him. He thinks I'm not fun. He feels threatened by me. He feels depressed when he is with me and only me. He feels he is only a paycheck. He saw my need to talk as my version of foreplay.
In sum he feels totally devalued by me.
I don't know how to address that frankly or even if I can at this point. Talking about our relationship and marriage is pointless and painful and against DB'ing. Before DB I did try to address some of these things, fruitlessly of course. When he left he was done and that's exactly what he said.
Had enough yet? I cried for a week after finding all this out. He had said VERY FEW of these things to me in the past, choosing silence and clenching his jaw over speech, and I admit I got defensive because I felt unappreciated and merely tolerated, often.
I realise it is his perception of me but not necessarily THE truth, just his view of me. Still, I can't read the list without crying. Who would want to be married to the person he just described? I come off sounding like this horrible, Amazon, nagging woman with my mothering being my only redemptive quality.
My personal goals? Just to gain my emotional maturity and be serene,calm and if not happy...content. To pass that gift on to my kids and help them grow emotionally, mentally. and physically healthy and well educated. To find my bliss work wise and be self supporting. To get financially savvy enough that I can eventually get my money to work for me. To save my marriage if possible. If not to bury it, and know I left no stone unturned.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
It depends on your perspective I suppose. Many of the things he mentions have their positive aspects. I'll give you an example: Pigheadedness vs Persistant.
Pigheadedness - is being married to an opinion or action unthinkingly, unadaptable. Persistant is having thought out an opinon, action or goal and sticking with it even though it's difficult or challenging.
Yes I'm a strong woman. I am a fixer, problem solver ( don't listen as well as I could - always looking for the solution) I am uber responsible and do what needs doing ( take control). I am attentive to detail (critical), I am discerning and analytical ( judgemental).
Trust me I know my own percieved character flaws, and have worked hard to change many of them and if not eliminate them, tone them down into a gentler, more palatable version. I have already come a long way.
No they don't define me, not by a long shot.
You can see where he has totally blocked out any perception of my good qualities. I'm painted blacker than black in his eyes.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
It's not really my perspective that matters here. It is how he views you, but more importantly....
How you view you..
Originally Posted By: Scylla_Charibdis
Trust me I know my own percieved character flaws, and have worked hard to change many of them and if not eliminate them, tone them down into a gentler, more palatable version. I have already come a long way.
I generally trust anyone until I have reason not to...
No offense, but the people that tell me to trust them ?
I have no reason to doubt you have come a long way. I also know that people are resistant to change unless it is change that they initiate on their own. And those changes....deep changes, take time to embed themselves into our daily routine.
Seldom are they as easy as ...okay, I've changed ...now what ?
Originally Posted By: Scylla_Charibdis
No they don't define me, not by a long shot.
You can see where he has totally blocked out any perception of my good qualities. I'm painted blacker than black in his eyes.
I know this is difficult, but it really doesn't matter if he paints you pink, with a purple stripe right now....
If this is MLC...
This time needs to be about you, and what color you paint yourself....
This time needs to be about you, and what color you paint yourself....
I get that, I do. I have been working very hard.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
I also know that people are resistant to change unless it is change that they initiate on their own. And those changes....deep changes, take time to embed themselves into our daily routine.
The reason the program commitment I made is 3-5 years is for exactly this reason you stated. This program I am doing is to rewire my brain from old trauma based programming as a child.
It takes that long to rewire a neural network and make that rewiring permanent and the behavioural change too.
Sorry about the "trust me bit"...I understand that too, I used an inappropriate figure of speech.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Welcome to the MLC board. You will find some wonderful and amazing people here.
I would suggest sticking to one thread, in one forum, so to avoid conflicting advice.
MLC, is not a short term problem and there isn’t a short term solution.
You will get advice here that is geared toward dealing with MLC.
You have to decide if that is what you think you are dealing with, no one can do that for you. Read the resources that Cadet gave you. They help.
In the meantime…
Originally Posted By: Syclla_Charibdis
It depends on your perspective I suppose. Many of the things he mentions have their positive aspects.
They don’t seem to be positive as far as your H is concerned.
See his list…
Originally Posted By: Scylla_Charibdis
He said: he doesn't know me at all, that I'm mean and angry, he is judged by me. He felt he was losing himself. He thinks I guilt trip him, that I am critical, domineering, bossy, judgmental, stubborn, and hard to talk to. He believes that I think I am smarter than he is. He thinks I don't care what he wants and unappreciated. He thinks I am so busy telling him what I want and what he should want and do, I forget he has feelings too. He feels intimidated by me, that I roll right over him with my words, body language and emotion. He feels like he can't be the head of the household, the strong one, and masculine because I am so strong and overpowering. He feels great anxiety and pressure in even just talking to me. He doesn't feel I respect, admire, or listen to him. He thinks I'm not fun. He feels threatened by me. He feels depressed when he is with me and only me. He feels he is only a paycheck. He saw my need to talk as my version of foreplay.
I have to say, I honestly thought my H had a list, but this one tops even his. He gave you a ton of stuff to work with. A ton of things that you could and probably should really look at.
Sometimes, their perception, even if we don’t agree with it, may not be that far off…
I would hope that it would be important to you as a woman, to make sure that a man does NOT feel this way.
When you emasculate a man, you end up with a little boy. Who will eventually run away in most cases. Find your feminine side. We all have them. Even tomboys like me.
Originally Posted By: Scylla_Charibdis
Yes I'm a strong woman. I am a fixer, problem solver ( don't listen as well as I could - always looking for the solution) I am uber responsible and do what needs doing ( take control). I am attentive to detail (critical), I am discerning and analytical ( judgemental).
You could be describing me... A few years ago. I can say that I haven’t lost the positive aspects of those qualities, but I have done my best to kill the negative aspects of them and only put them into practice when I need to.
Originally Posted By: Scylla_Charibdis
we had parallel lives mostly with points of contact involving home and children.
This too is very familiar to me.
I can promise you, a relationship, a marriage, should be much much more than this.
Originally Posted By: Syclla_Charibdis
I was already getting many of my emotional needs met without him,
How?
Originally Posted By: Syclla_Charibdis
Had enough yet?
Nope, you haven’t even begun.
Like Mach, I have had a live-in since 2007. In fact, even though we have agreed to D, and each have moved on, we are STILL sharing the house. Of course, he lives elsewhere 90% of the time, but that is another story.
I still get to see MLC at it’s finest very regularly. And boy somedays, it is a whole lot of fun.
Originally Posted By: Syclla_Charibdis
My personal goals? Just to gain my emotional maturity and be serene,calm and if not happy...content.
This saddens me. I don’t want you to be merely content. I have a feeling that is where you were. I want you to want to be HAPPY and to pass THAT onto your children.
Content = Settling
I hope you want more for that for yourself.
This isn't an easy road. It sounds like you have made a good beginning, however, there are definate areas that I see...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
