Need to start my 180 today... doing 180 i know is supposed to help me, but right now i need to do it so i don't push my wife away.
she has not walked off, but my more of the same behavior is pushing her close to leaving...
bit of the situation, married 7 years, 3 kids 6 and under. we have been seperated for almost a year, but have agreed to work on things. we have tons of issues, and with 3 kids and money we are trying to find time to sit down with a therapist...
the current thing i need help with, is she has started texting a guy, all hours of the day, every day. she states its nothing, and that she would never be interested in him. I'm having a hard time not always wanting to ask about him, what they talk about, and im also envious since she doesnt seem to talk to me in that way even though we used to be best of friends. she has gotten very angry with me, for my 'need to know' attitude and yes lets face it, jealousy issues with this new guy. even writing this out, i can get a feeling of what i need to do, just looking for support and help doing it as well.
so i guess in my day to day texting and talking to her, what should i do? whats the best thing i can do to try and lead her back to me? whats the best things i can say or not say, what kind of 180 can i do so that she doesnt leave me?
i dont know if thats enough background on her and i, let me know, still kinda new to all of this...
Need to start my 180 today... doing 180 i know is supposed to help me, but right now i need to do it so i don't push my wife away.
she has not walked off, but my more of the same behavior is pushing her close to leaving...
...im also envious since she doesnt seem to talk to me in that way even though we used to be best of friends. she has gotten very angry with me, for my 'need to know' attitude and yes lets face it, jealousy issues with this new guy. even writing this out, i can get a feeling of what i need to do, just looking for support and help doing it as well.
....what should i do? whats the best thing i can do to try and lead her back to me? whats the best things i can say or not say, what kind of 180 can i do so that she doesnt leave me?
The best approach is to do the exact opposite of what is driving or pushing her away and that she is finding annoying.
Your words show that you probably know exactly what to do. Stop checking up on her, make her find out about what you are doing during this separation. Make it so she is hearing all kinds of things about you and she wants to find out more about.
Sit down by yourself and make a list of those things that you feel annoy her and that she has told you she doesn't like. Then do the opposite as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. You may also want to look closely at your 180 actions to see if there are things tht will make you a more attractive person in her eyes?
What is it about the man you are jealouse about that she finds interesting? Is it that it makes you jealous or is there something about him that she finds attractive or interesting? If you know that there is something about him, why don't you try adopting some of those or similar attributes....paying attension to her, doing things that she finds exciting or mysterious, etc.
3 young kids under 6 seems like a lot of time commitment for any parent, especially if you have separated. One of your 180's might be to really do stuff with your children and give her "time for herself." Assuming you aren't doing something similar now, as part of a Get a Life project (combined with a 180) you might take up swimming and take the kids out for swimming lessons or free swimming at a pool a night a week or one day on a weekend. That would give her some free time, give you exercise, give you quality time with your kids, and make you look different to her in your eyes.
If swimming doesn't work bicycling, bird watching, or jogging might. If one of them is too you, they have child backpacks, child bike seats, and/or running strollers. Alternately, how about taking them to an indoor rock climbing club and teaching them some beginning bouldering/rock climbing skills? Do something that the kids love, that they talk about to their mom and look forward to so she is constantly hearing from them what a great dad you are during this separation.
Taking your kids to the library and or a children's museum and then going with them for a picnic and walk afterwards might be something you might want to do to provide her with a gift of free time.
Assuming that there has never been a question of your having an affair, is there any woman or women that you could interact with that would possibly let you wife know that other women find you charming and she better compete for you? I don't mean dating, but I mean volunteering at the local PSTA, day care center, scouting, sports, church or something where you could provide both your children and other women's children with something that enriches the kids....and makes this "separated man" a "hot property" to monitor by women to see if become available in the future.
For example, when I was young, my dad became a cub scout "den mother." He got a lot of "sh**" over that until at troop/pack meetings his den displayed the things that we had been doing, making lamps with simple hand tools, learning how to fix things with our hands (faucets, appliances, minor auto repair things like oil changes). Then everyone started to think that our den was learning valuable things compared to making hand print ashtrays or Thanksgiving center pieces or paper airplanes. Moms and Dads started to want their sons to learn manly things from my dad. Other den mothers started to recruit fathers to change some of the projects that were normally done in the meetings.
When my kids were in grade school and kindergarten, I volunteered to help out in their class room a few times a month. I came in and brought with me some science/math course materials (age specific from a local engineering society and science teaching catalog materials that I paid for myself) that the kids really liked, that the teacher liked, and that the parents thought was great. They were fun things that helped teach my kids about math and science and helped other kids in the class start thinking that this stuff might be fun later in life. It also changed the way my wife looked at me, from "nerd" to "father and mentor of children." I also arranged for some field trips for the kids that the teachers and kids loved, which were associted with my work.
OK, I have rambled too long. Figure out what you can do differently that will take some time and effort on your part and are different from things that drive your wife away; then start doing them so she will view you in a new light and have to question her assumptions about you.
Most women establish their young children as their main life priority, so that is always a good focal point for your 180's. It will get her attension quickly. Besides they are your children as well and you deserve to build a close relationship with them and help enrich their lives.
Good luck, if you are doing these kinds of things, then I appologize for not providing anything new.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
