My Story.

[ots]

Also, oddly... today I got my first hint of doubt from her. Something along the lines of that she wants the same marriage I do, but she has zero faith in me, and she knows we'll be in the same boat in a year. She also referred to our marriage in the present tense for the first time in a month.

[tjack45]

Ots,
stay strong, confident, decisive and calm.... You need to be in control of what you want. Positive steps are great, but you need to see hard, consistent ACTIONS that shows she wants your marriage to work. If she starts to waffle, don't let her see how this affects you. Walk-aways will test you to see if they still have control over you. If she were to decide she wants your marriage to work on again, you can't just let her walk back into your life. She f'd up, if you are so easy to forgive, it shows you have little personal value, and she can do whoever and whatever she wants and you will take her back.

[wanda15]

I just read your posts and I am sending you big hugs. This is a crappy way to be.

Please keep DBing for yourself. It is very important that you become the person you should be for YOU! You cannot have another successful R or fix the M you are in, if you only change for a short time. And yes I know we all want things to change RIGHT NOW. Patience is something that is soooo hard. You can do this.
I am not here on the boards because I for sure want my H back. I am very undecided about this. I am here because I need to get better and I need all the support I can get. I will decide what to do when Iam who I want to be.

Don't stop posting here because you have given up on your M. Journalling on here is a great way to get through every day.

Take care of yourself!

[ots]

went to IC today. They suggested that I'm not ready to return to the house. I'm not eating, not sleeping... she said I need to heal again.

Its just blow after blow after blow. I get a bomb dropped every 2 weeks.

Told W I wasn't coming back this week and asked her not to bring OW into our home. She said OK. I said thank you. She said you're welcome.

[ots]

Ug. Just missing her bad right now. I'm an idiot.

[MrBond]

You're not an idiot for feeling the way you do. You're human. Experience it, then go on.

IMO, I'd tell her that if she was the one who was unhappy, then she should be the one to move out. Stand your ground. I did to my W when she told me to move out.

When I told her I wasn't going to budge she looked at me as if I had 3 eyes. I told her that since she was the unhappy one, then she should leave as I was perfectly happy at home. She moved out but that's her decision.

[kml]

Well darn - sorry I was right about the affair, but after you've hung around here for a while, you'll see there are only 3 or 4 scripts that people follow - so damned predictable.

I know you're hurting and have had the rug pulled out from under you, but I reiterate my points from last time:

1) SHE should move out, unless it is in your financial interest for her to stay in the home. Consult an attorney - you may be losing the right to live in the home if you stay away too long.

2) She has shown you something important about her character, character flaws don't really change. yes, there can be redemption and reconciliation but honestly - if she's this stupid and dishonest NOW, do you really think this is the person you can count on later in life, when you have cancer or she has a midlife crisis? Even if you won her back now - which is possible I suppose, usually once you move on they come running back - how would you ever be able to trust her with your future?

3) Work on yourself. We ALL have work to do on ourselves, that is the best thing to come out of DBing - a better you! Living well is the best revenge! My ex-husband left me after 27 years, I bought a drum kit and learned to play the drums in a rock band! I get a giggle out of imagining his face when the kids told him I was going on tour last fall!!!

Also - protect yourself financially. If you guys have any joint financial assets - move your half to another account. Close joint credit cards. If you have debt - work to get her cooperation in paying it down.

I know you're still shell shocked, but the sooner you start being PROactive about your life, the better off you'll be.

And don't worry about scaring her off. Get A Life, live it well, if she's CAPABLE of the kind of change it would take for you to trust her again, it's gonna take a while anyway. And she'll find you more attractive if she senses she's losing you, I bet.

But don't, under any circumstances, take her back without making her do the work. 6 months therapy and good behavior with complete transparency before you would even CONSIDER living with her again, okay???

[ots]

Yeah. She's not taking me back. She's friggin done with me. I still love her, but she doesn't love me. End of story.

1) Neither of us can really afford the place on our own.

2) I miss her so blindly right now, I can't even think about that. Guess its the same way I loved her.

3)I am. Its hard when the blows just keep coming. Theres gonna be another one when she serves me with divorce papaers in a week or 2

Our joint savings got split already. The only other joint asset is the house.

She won't do any work. No therapy. No nothing. As far as she's concerned, she moved on a long time ago.

[MrBond]

Bottom line...get rid of your fear. Read through the post you just made. You're scared and unsure. It's perfectly understandable. When you're with her though, change your attitude to being self-assured and strong. You can get through this.

[ots]

Thank you, MrBond. That last post was quite helpful to me. <not sarcastic>

I always liked the bit below:

I will not fear.
Fear is the mind killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me,
and when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.