Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 17 1 2 3 16 17
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
Well, I think it's time to post the final thread. Bombed in May, '06. 17 months of trying to save something that was dead. Filed Dec. 2007. 2 1/2 years of being tortured, attempts at having me arrested and thrown out of my house. Stipulation signed 5/12/10. My kids and X move out the week before Memorial Day weekend and...I become a divorced father of 2 beautiful children.

I am living alone now in a 3000 sq ft house on 1/2 acre of property that is up for sale. Somewhere, I have a video that I shot while standing in the same place to show it's construction.It seems like yesterday that X and I moved in. I have no children for breakfast during the week. I must survive on 2 dinners and alternating weekends, and, ironically, that is a LOT in my state. I am not bitter about my divorce nor do I miss my X wife. What's most painful is my children's diminishing calls and texts to me...days that are deathly quiet as I must battle a sensation of feeling secondary. Do I call them or not? Am I showing them that I, myself, am strong and moving on? Or, do I constantly pester them to contact me. Well, I don't think it's the latter.

Ironically, I think my children have adjusted much better than I predicted and in reality, it is I that is suffering more.

I don't care what anyone says, a hands-on dad gets screwed in divorce. Yes all: I accept any criticism on this last line.

It's sorta like a long war and, finally, the last shell hits. You get up, look around and everything is leveled. Your clothes are smoking and hair is singed off...but...you are alive. You look down and all your limbs are there. Somewhere under the rubble you find your kids and they are safe too, just..changed from the conflagration. You get an initial feeling of relief. The worst is over...or is it?

You're belongings are gone. Your house is destroyed, but, you grab your kid's hands and start walking, aimlessly at first, but, you realize that you must keep going..pick up the pace and choose a direction.

I wish I had all the answers. After 4 years of websites, divorce and self-help books, DB counselors, marriage counselors, pdfs, IC, family therapists, I'm not sure that I still understand what happened.

I'm smarter.

I'm more educated.

And, of course, much poorer and financially destroyed.

Divorce be not proud.

On the flip-side, there is always a silver lining within a grey cloud, and, I DO believe that when one door closes another door opens. As the song says, "sometimes saying goodbye is a second chance". More on this in the future.

Ironically, I still think of a member here whom I never met nor contributed to his thread. He was before me. I became aware of his thread thru my friend Jeff223. He spent months DB'ing here, frequently blaming himself for his wife's departure: either he didn't DB enough or he backslid too much. 60 days after his divorce, his XW remarried. Although he heard rumors that there may have been an OM, he chose to ignore the 'cheeseless tunnel'. His final comment was about living in a beautiful house, children, etc, to living in a rundown shabby apartment and staring at the two marital champagne glasses on the shelf from his M, his fate.

Well, I choose to take 'MY champagne glasses' and toast to the future. I have no choice but to adapt to my new lifestyle and limited parenting time.

Finally, there were so many people who followed and supported me. Some people I was able to return the favor and other's, I was just too overwhelmed, hurting, but, you were always in my prayers. You all mean so much to me. The character, integrity and insight you all had, leads me back to the very beginning....why?

Hugs. FIB OH....oops..almost forgot : Strength and honor.


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 10,261
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 10,261
Hi Frank!
xxx
K


Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
FIB,

I don't think we've ever really interacted much, but, I understand and was where you are at. Life does go on and eventually get better through all you have learned during the war. You're right, the war is in fact over. And it does in fact blow like no other that we as fathers, the true definition of what it is to be a father, fought like mad for what was best for our children, yet they end up with the adultrer, who gets a steady paycheck from you as reward for their efforts to destroy everything.

Funny about the champaign glass thing. On what would have been our 11th anniversary after the D last year, I took a picture of mine (one of the few remaining relics of the M) with a bottle of our usual champaign and sent it to (x)W with a caption "to the future".


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,035
Dday...do I take your sig to mean you are re-marrying your ex wife? FIB


Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11)
Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t
Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10
Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
He is. She came out of the fog.

About contact with your kids:

Make it set in stone that you call the kids every day at a set time. Every day. Your exw can do the same thing when they are with you on your weekends.
Even if it is for a quick "I love you," that door stays open. They realize how important you are in their lives and vice-versa. We do this at/around 7pm. It is something that my ex instilled. Now, there are a some times when the kids are busy, etc., and would rather not have to drop what they are doing (and ex should just say a quick Hi and hang up), but I think my youngest especially looks forward and counts on this contact with him.

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
ps - It's not fair to lay the burden of contact on kids. Same as passing messages back and forth with your exw - use texts or email.

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,470
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,470
Hey FIB,

As a fellow NYer I do get the whole hands-on Dad thing..it's funny, my friends think I'm some kind of hero because I got custody of my kids. But I know you understand this..I only got them because my XW didn't want them..in NY State, as a man that's the only shot you have. It's really sick..I was fortunate that my XW's lawyer saw that, read my logs and helped force the issue of giving me custody..I give her L credit, she put my children before her own ego..

The reason, I write all of this is that when I read your words about you missing the kids, it really hits home. It was my big fear through the whole process. I wouldn't have done well if the custody was reversed. But you have handled it so well. Truly inspiring. That's why I know you will be fine. I think the strength and honor really needs to kick in now for you and directed towards the kids.

Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
Am I showing them that I, myself, am strong and moving on?


That's a big YES..you may feel that they have settled in..but they miss you more than you know..my XW has now moved more than 2 hours away..her visitation is whittling away to nothing. They are angry about that..but they do still love and want her in their lives..despite everything she has done, and everything she hasn't..I make sure they know that I want them to love her and have a great R with her..she has no idea..that's why I say hang in their about the kids..you may not see it, but they love you and miss you. They may not know how to show it yet. They may still be a little confused (your kids are younger than mine). They are trying to figure out things also. Keep being the great father you are. They know and they feel it, even if your XW works against that. Your kids will know better. It may just take a little longer. Divorce is tough on everyone. Everyone says kids are resilient. I don't buy that. I think they keep things to themselves because they don't know how to express it. Eventually they will. Just love them FIB. That's all it takes. Enjoy every precious moment you have with them. For a year, I have watched my XW waste those precious moments. Moments she can't ever get back with them. Moments that would have gone a long way towards solidifying acceptance. Instead she drives the wedge further. My kids have figured it out.

Just be yourself. It's good enough. They are lucky to have you.

Strength and Honor.

Mules


M 43
W 44
M 17
T 22
S16,12,9
Bomb 2/05/08
I served her 1/06/09
S'd 3/15/09
D'd 12/21/09



"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving
Dday...do I take your sig to mean you are re-marrying your ex wife? FIB


As Donna said, yes. Not too long after the divorce was over and the smoke began to clear, (x)W began to see real quick all the damage she had done, to me, the kids, extended family and herself. What she thought she wanted, wasn't. We could just never end the problems in the M. It had to end. I never got the ILYBINILWY speech from her.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,096
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,096
FIB, I've always searched for your thread because you are level-headed and write clearly. You are ahead of me in the process so in a way you are my role model.

A few things -- stuff you already know:

* The schedule now will not be the schedule forever. Who knows, your ex may not be able to handle them long-term. There may be opportunities down the road to pick up more time.

The contact thing is tough. Right now, during the school year I see them almost every day for at least an hour so I don't have the need for daily contact -- although I still hate not being there to put them to bed each night. That was the biggest change.

* This summer I'll go as much as six days without seeing them and they don't have cell phones so I have to call STBXW. Right now, knowing school is back in session in a month, I'm not calling because I just don't want to hear STBXW's voice.

* No matter how much they seem to be drifting, stay in their lives. My dad, after the divorce, remained very active in mine. He came to every game, every practice, I went over there on weekends. As I got older, though, I started to do what teenagers do, put friends in front of family. And my dad couldn't keep it together. He bought a bar, fell off the wagon, ran up DUIs and had to leave the state. In college, I went nearly two years without hearing from him and only saw him twice over the lost six years of his life.

* Always be the "bigger" person. You may never realize it. You may never live to hear it, but that stuff sinks in. I stayed with my mom and I love her, but going through this process has reminded me how heroic my dad was for a long time. He never tore my mom down, while my mom continually criticized him, and he never showed anything to me while my mom went through a string of relationships. I know now how much that had to hurt.

This is a lesson I'm trying to learn. When my girls are talking about me 30, 40 years from now, I want them to be proud.

Last edited by ClingingToHope; 07/20/10 04:32 PM.

Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu
http://tinyurl.com/thread4
http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6
http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,427
When we each call the kids at the other's house, we call the adult's cell (I don't want gf to pick up the phone) - but we hand it over to the kids. There is caller-ID, and we expect the phone to ring about the same time every day. I don't speak to my kids' father except for the rare occasion.

Page 1 of 17 1 2 3 16 17

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard