Dear DivorceBusters, Well, I had my first test since adopting the 180 stratedgy and I failed horribly. After 33 days with no face-to-face meetings with my wife, she showed up unannounced on Friday night claiming she wanted to get some stuff from the house. I was getting ready for an evening out with friends. I was in a great mood and ready for the night out. I had a great day at work, spent two hours in the gym and had initiated the evening out with friends. I was "taking care of me" and doing a pretty good job of it. No more crying, no more moping. Actually, I am feeling pretty good about myself right now. None the less, she called while I was getting dressed for the evening. I saw her name on the caller ID and didn't answer. I didn't want to talk with her as I was really looking forward to my evening out. Next thing I know, I hear the front door opening. She comes strolling in claiming that she texted me to let me know she was coming over. She lied, there was no text. She walked right past me and started just picking things up and asking if she could take them. I just stood there like and idiot staring into my hand and saying "yes" to each request to remove property. For weeks, I practiced being upbeat and very nonchalant. I didn't do that at all. I stood there like a child that had just been beaten on the playground. She took what she wanted and left without really saying anything. I followed her to the door like a damned dog that was being left home by his master. When we got to the door, she made no effort to be civil or express any concern of any kind. She said "bye" and walked out, locking the door behind her. For a couple of seconds, I just stood there like an idiot in my foyer. I wasn't upbeat, I was care free, I wasn't convincing at all. She walked in and I went numb. I couldn't really talk, I couldn't joke around, I just stood there mumbling one word replies to her requests. DAMN IT!!! She ran over me like a truck, probably felt pretty good about it, and walked out as I stood there. I didn't let it ruin my evening though. I still went out with friends and had a good time. But, I have never planned so hard for something and failed so miserably. I had no time to get ready. I was putting on a shirt and next thing I know, she is standing there in our house. First round goes to her. I will have to focus harder and be more prepared next time. What she saw on Friday night will not inspire her to think I am moving on.
To finish on a better note, I am doing a pretty good job of taking care of myself. Sleeping all night, appetite is back, spending 10 hours a week in the gym, keeping an active social life (went out both nights this weekend), decorated the house for Christmas, and having very successful year on the job (made sales plan for the year). But still have to work on "180" attitude for next round. Happy Holidays everyone!
Fellonblackdays
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I told my H that he wasn't allowed in the house without me being there and without me having agreed he could come over. Otherwise I'd change the locks. I don't know if that's legal in your state (it's not in mine), but even if it is, she'd have to call the police to get in, and would she do that?
It works better for the board and to keep track of you if you keep one thread for all your posts until you reach 100 posts, (not pages)and then start a new one.
What were the things that your W took? Were they things she really needed or is it possible that she was checking up on you?
Just walking in the door IMO without knocking and waiting for you to let her in is very rude. After all it was her choice to leave the home.
I don't think it went that badly. You were in the process of getting ready to go out, that had to be obvious to her. You didn't answer her phone call in the first place, I'm sure that irritated her right from the get go and that is good, after all, you're not sitting there at home pining for her, you were getting ready to go out. Good for you for GAL and she could plainly see that you are.
Do not bring it up to her about not getting the text that she said she sent. Let anything that you are doing remain a mystery to her. It's human nature to want that which you think you can't have. Keep doing what you're doing, you're on the right track and your confidence will keep increasing. Women love a confident man!
Great job on getting the house decorated!!!
It sounds like you're extremely busy, but if you find time, how about posting a little more frequently? LOL I was beginning to wonder what happened to you.
Folks, I am sorry about my forum etiquette. I am new to this and I don't know all the rules. I will try to do better in the future. Thanks for the direction. I will try to string my posts together tonight when I get home so that all can understand my situation. I guess I will also have to study the abbreviations.
CajunRose, I think you might be right. I do believe I may have to impose a ban on her visits unless she has my permission.
Thanks to all for the support!
fell
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
CajunRose, I think you might be right. I do believe I may have to impose a ban on her visits unless she has my permission.
Boundaries ARE GOOD and HEALTHY IF you are able to enforce them. So, before you go off and set one make sure that you are prepared to deal with the crossing of it i.e. it may push you to a place where you do not want to be. Just keep that in mind.
Want to reiterate...I DO AGREE with a boundary.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
All she asked for during her visit was some kitchen items. There isn't much else for her to take that she hasn't taken already.
Here is the background that some of you have requested. Sorry for the confusion (this is from a previous post):
I am new to this forum and this site. I just finished The Divorce Remedy and I am still confused a bit. My wife and I were together for 15 years, married nine. Last fall, she briefly moved out for six weeks and only came back after I promised to go to marriage counseling with her. We went. After some time, she decided that she didn't like what the counselor was telling us to do and she didn't want to go. She kept telling him that she was too angry to work on our marriage. He suggested she see someone on the side. She did and then left me. For years she wanted kids and I stood in the way of that due to some depression I was suffering through after the death of a loved one. I am now getting treatment for the depression, but it is too late. In early September, she came home one night and told me she was moving out. She already had a place rented and there was no turning back. I begged, pleaded and cried. She would not change her mind. She told me that if I didn't let her have some time, we would not make it. I agreed and left the house while she packed.
For the first couple of weeks, we talked every day and saw each other once a week. At one point, shortly after she left, she was actually contacting me from time to time. Then, all of a sudden around Week 6 of the separation, without warning, she changed. She started being really rude to me and eventually told me in both voice and text that our marriage was over and that she no longer wished to be married to me. She asked to come into the house and take a few things while I was away at a friends house for a BBQ. When I got home, everything was gone. She had completely moved out. But, she left small "hand grenades" for me all through the house. She rifled through boxes of pictures, took the ones that she wanted but left any picture that had me in it. She took many items from our closet but left any gift from me. Anything that was remotely related to our wedding was left on the floor or in a drawer in each room. Our house, which we both loved for years, is now a tomb. I try not to stay there as much as possible. I was devastated.
She was my best friend, my lover and support when things got tough. I know I am at fault for much of this as I was, at best, an "absentee husband" much of the time. But I didn't want us to break up. I was confused and not myself. Now I am facing the holidays alone for the first time in 15 years. We loved Christmas. We would decorate our house like the Griswolds each year. I was so happy when I found someone that liked Christmas as much as I do. Now Christmas is coming and I am alone. I am scared to say the least.
She has now told me all of the following:
1) "I am happier with out you. My friends say I look better since I left you." 2) "I want some one 'completely different' from you." 3) "You blew it, it is over." 4) (When I asked her to remain faithful during the separation, I got the following lovely response)"I won't promise that I won't sleep with someone if the situation presents itself. Isn't that what separation is about? Seeing what is out there." 5) "The past 15 years were great, but I am done with that and won't live in the past." 6) And here is my favorite... "Despite who's fault this is, I am ready to move on with my life and I wish you would too."
I bought The Divorce Remedy and was completely embarrassed when I realized how many mistakes we have made over the years as a couple. We could have saved this thing. And, of course, I made all the stupid mistakes when she left. I sent flowers, cards, letters, emails and gifts while begging her to reconsider. In the beginning, she was receptive, but then something snapped. She got pissed and told me to stop and that it was over. She wanted space and nothing to do with me. I have read the book cover to cover, but I am not sure, other than doing a 180 (which I have started), what I can do.
I have not seen her for 27 days. And the last time we were together, she pretty much told me to go to hell and that is was over. I have not spoken to her, seen her, or even been in the same zip code with her in over a month. How is the 180 supposed to work if she cannot see the changes that I have made??? And I have made a ton of them. I have attended counseling, become more loving to my family and friends, realized why I am not a happy person, found a new vigor for my job, joined a gym where I work out four days a week and, in general, decided to not be so uptight about life and all the little pitfalls that come along. I am actually happier as a person, but I miss my wife so much I could die. I know now where I went wrong, but I cannot show her that when she refuses to even be in the same room with me. I also know that her friends, her sister, and her mother are telling her to move on and forget about me. I am quite certain her mother helped her move out. HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO COMBAT THAT??? They see her every day and get in her ear and tell her what she wants to hear. I, on the other hand, can only talk with her via text. I am losing this battle horribly and I am powerless to do anything about it.
My wife was the woman I was supposed to marry. We have had 14 wonderful years together with some ups and downs. Only the last year has been really bad, but it was worth saving. I am very angry at her for leaving, but I am going to have to tuck that away for now. PLEASE HELP!!!! Has anyone out there successfully navigated this situation and turned their marriage around. I love her and I want to grow old with her. But, right now, when I tell her that, she becomes angry and cold. I will continue the "180," but this is killing me...
Fellonblackdays
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Oh BTW, I would change the subject of your thread. Let's face it, YOU weren't the only one who failed the marriage. Your W did too. Change it to something more positive, it'll help establish your positive plan of action.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Oh BTW, I would change the subject of your thread. Let's face it, YOU weren't the only one who failed the marriage. Your W did too. Change it to something more positive, it'll help establish your positive plan of action.
