Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
#2097151 10/28/10 06:09 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
Link to original thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2059555&page=1

Starting new thread. Today is 5 months of separation. W's personal emotional state has improved since outset. I am much different (better) person/dad than at bomb. Less anger/tension between W and me. W says I am now "fixed," but she is still broken and still needs time to "fix" herself. Both of us in IC. W says she has major trust issues in addition to depression/self-esteem issues.

I never call/text/email W. Try to avoid R discussion with W. Various GAL activities. W contacts me for various reasons and calls me a fair amount to go out and have dinner as family.

Kiddos are doing pretty good. Some adjustment/behavior issues with D2 and D5 that seem to be worse with W.

Halloween approaching with lots of family events planned. I am going to dress as DJ Lance from Yo Gabba Gabba.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
bump


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,372
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,372
Glad to hear you are doing much better post-bomb. Less anger is always a good thing.
Have never see Yo Gabba Gabba.
How is IC going for you?

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
It's a funny kids' show with good beats in it. Founded by former musician that has connections with lots of other musicians, so they sometimes have real musicians guesting in it. There was one hilarious one with Jack Black. My 2 youngest kids love it, my D2 is dressing up like the robot from the show.

IC has been real good for me. I was going 2x/week at outset (late April), then down to 1/x week, now probably 2 every 3 weeks. Probably have had 35-40 sessions? LOTS of different issues addressed, some individual, some relationship, some parenting even. Lately, I have been using it mostly as a way to help refocus me on self when I start getting antsy about sitch and feeling like I needed to "do something."


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
Have reconsidered after helpful discussion with a fellow DBer and put my ring back on. I already agreed with my W that our old R was dead and unhealthy so that message is clear -- does not need to involve the ring.

However, I am still standing for our marriage, and I don't want to give her or anyone else the impression that I am not. If she wants to leave it for good, she is still free to; life will go on for me either way.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
Early Friday I went to doc and picked up some meds for my sinusitis (ugh). Starting to feel better now.

Friday night met Ds and W at Halloween gymnastics party. Fun family time. Then we took Ds trick or treating in strip mall (they do that around here for some reason). More fun. Went to some place to eat and W started getting antsy that there was too long a wait, saying kids were melting down, etc. I said let's go gang, we are going to eat somewhere else. Gave W a few choices, she picked one (the usual sushi place). I ordered, we ate rolls and drank sake. W talked to me about how she felt taking herself off her antidepressant. Drove us back to my car, said night to everyone and left.

Saturday, felt kinda crappy in AM so I didnt go to D's gymnastics or dancing classes (W has them this wknd). W asked me to go to costume store with her and I said yeah if we can stop by this bead store I want to go to to pick up some beads for Ds. Real beautiful day out, fun drive to places. We go and W picks out her costume. She keeps asking me if she is spending too much money, that she feels 'bad' about what she is spending, is 'anxious' that I am going to disapprove of what she is doing. I ask her why she is asking me. She asks me again, I tell her I want her to feel free to buy what she wants, that I am not her Dad. I didn't want to be her Dad before, and I definitely don't want to be her Dad now. I'm sorry she feels anxious, and is there anything she wants me to do to help with that?

She looks at me and says in a sweet voice, yeah I know you didn't want to be my Dad. We finish the errands, and I drive myself back to my car. She says some more stuff about how she feels going off her meds. She says she can't talk to anyone else except [my petname] about how she feels. I tell her I'm glad she feels safe sharing things with me.

She was going to a pumpkin carving party with girls she was invited to by a down the street neighbor and had asked me if I wanted to come. I said thanks, but I have some things I want to do. She wants to pick up Halloween shirts for girls, so I tell her to follow me to house.

We get to house and she goes to jump out of car and go into house saying, "Here, watch the girls, I am going to go look for a dress I want in the closet." (some of her clothes that didn't fit her when she moved out were still in "her" closet). I said, "Hang on." She says, "It'll just take a sec." I said, "I'm going to go into the house and get the girls' shirts, please tell me which dress you're looking for, and I'll get it." She looks sort of taken aback and describes the dress to me. I go upstairs grab the girls shirts, then look for her dress, can't find it. Come downstairs, give her the shirts and tell her I can't find the dress, can she come back after the party. She says, "Yeah, why didn't you want me to go into the house, is it messy or something?" I said, "We have separate spaces now. I have my space, and you have your space. I don't tell you to watch the girls while I invite myself into your place to look for stuff, do I?" She starts saying something about well you could have watched me while I looked and rolls her eyes. I smile at her and wave and say have fun at the party! Bye, girls!

While she is at the party, I pack up the rest of the remaining clothes from "her" closet into boxes. Also pack up some costume stuff she had talked about wanting to consolidate in a box with the costume stuff she had just bought. I'm out in the front yard putting up some Halloween decorations when she emerges from the party (down the street). She happily yells, Hi H!! I say, Hi! Come on down! She loads girls into car and drives down the street. I put the boxes on the front yard while she comes down. She says, "What's all that?" I say, "It's the rest of the clothes in your closet." She kind of stares at it and says, "Wow, it feels like the [my petname] is shipping me out." (who moved out????) I look at her and smile, say there is more stuff on hangers in the closet that didn't fit in the boxes, should only take me a couple of trips, I can stack them on top of the boxes. She says, "Uh, ok." I load the stuff into the back of her car. She says something like, "This will be a good project for her because she was going to have to go through the stuff and sell some of it to Ebay and give some of it to her friend. She can do it now instead of later." I just nod and smile say, "Sounds good!" Then she calls me over to window to show me some pictures on the camera from the party and tell me about the pumpkin carving. As she drives away, I wave to girls. I smile and wave to her, she is looking at me waving and smiling, but with this funny look on her face with lots of eye contact.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 5,299
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 5,299
Quote:
I smile and wave to her, she is looking at me waving and smiling, but with this funny look on her face with lots of eye contact.


You are driving in the rain. You feels you letting her go. it's all good.


Lead on the money, even though you are seperated show her the cash flow and why you are OK with the spending on Halloween. Reassure her here.


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 5,299
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 5,299
She feels you letting her go.

Edit.


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
I smile and wave to her, she is looking at me waving and smiling, but with this funny look on her face with lots of eye contact.


You are driving in the rain. She feels you letting her go. it's all good.


By driving in the rain, do you mean I'm swerving all over the place in my DB? Need to slow down and be cautious? Not totally familiar with that expression.

I re-read robx's sitch this AM re: him boxing his W's stuff up, and W asking for the dress reminded me about all the remaining clothes that have been sitting in the closet. I couldn't believe she said it felt like *I* was shipping *her* out. REALLY?????

BTW, this Oregon-USC game is great. (ABC)


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
Went spinning in AM. W met met me there. She called me en route saying she was running late and was I in the bike room yet. I said I was that I'd reserve a bike for her. W arrives and notices I am wearing ring (I was wearing it all day the day before but I guess she didnt notice).

W: You put your ring back on?
M: Yeah.
W: Why did you do that?
M: I meant what I said before about our past relationship being unhealthy for both of us. I decided that it was the right thing for me to wear my ring. It's what I've decided to do.
W: Well, I'm not going to put my rings back on.
M (smiling) : That's fine. I didn't ask you to.

Spin class went pretty well, though I was dragging a bit at end from remnants of cold and not running since previous Monday. The instructor SHUSHED W and me early in class for talking too much (glaring at us) 3RD ROW!!! STOP TALKING!!! (W was telling me about a movie).

Afterwards, get Ds from gym daycare. W takes them to swim lessons. I go change shirts, run errand, then meet them later at swim lessons. W almost seems her 'old' self. We go to halloween carnival/fair place next door with kids after lessons and do rides/jumpies sort of stuff. Ds have a great time. W having minor issues managing her emotions when Ds misbehave at all, but has fun.

At some point while we are there, W comments that it is our D2's first time there. I say, yeah now that I think about it, it's my first time too. This is really fun, I wish I had come before when y'all came here previous years. Later while we are watching Ds ride trains and commenting about how cute they look, W suddenly turns to me looking all sad, almost tearful, and says how she felt abandoned by me after D2 was born. How I wasn't there for her and she felt all alone with the Ds. I tell her I am sorry she felt abandoned then and sorry she is still hurting now. I ask her if there is something I can do to help, something she wants me to do? She says, No, just be a good dad to the girls.

Afterwards, I drop myself off at my car and run some more errands. Go back to W's place to prepare for trick or treating. W was being a diva spending all kinds of time getting ready and wanting tons of pics taken of her in all kinds of permutations with girls (literally 100, I think). At some point I put the camera down to help one of Ds with costume adjustment and she just went right on self-portraiting over and over and over. She even did it on way home from trick or treating. Said she was trying to get the perfect pic for her facebook profile. So unattractive.

W also complained about Ds being unruly during costume prep and complained about trouble coordinating meeting up with neighbor family to go trick or treating. She texted neighbor friend and ranted how neighbor friend hadn't responded despite earlier plans. Said neighbor friend was flake and impulsive and '$hitty like that, she pi$$ed her off.' So we go trick or treating ourselves, run into neighbor family on our way to new area in car. I pull over and say hi. Tell them to give us text when they get to where we are going so we can hook up. So we go to new area and W is complaining that they havent contacted us. After finishing trick or treating we get back to car and find that W has left her phone in car and that neighbor friend had been calling and texting us the whole time. W says angrily, well it serves them right for not responding to my first text. (All the Negativity was SO unattractive).

On the bright side, the Ds seemed to have a good time, and I had fun too. When W wasnt complaining about things, she seemed fine. She wasnt complaining about me for a change. At one point commented that she was happy we had been getting along well and didn't fight.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Page 1 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard