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Joined: Oct 2010
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How can you tell that it faded away? Are there any signs? My wife is in the same mode as Roy's but I do not want to be friends. You can not be friends with someone that you have sexual desire for. It is disingenuous, specially if you think no one else is nearly as attractive as she is. I am torn inside because I think I should leave with my dignity intact but I can't because at this point it would be the last nail on the coffin.


Me 39
W 37
S 5 D 2.75
Married 12 years
Together 14 years
Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 167
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You too. I will not give up. Just backing off and letting it be. Like I said, I dont bring up our marriage, she does. I believe thats worth something.


M-34
W-31
2 S,11&11
1 D, 6
T 13 YEARS
M 12 YEARS
ILYBINILWY OCT. 2009
We are too close. All we see are smears of paint. The Lord sees the masterpiece He is painting.
Joined: Mar 2010
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Its not disingenuous to be her friend. I was always her friend. I was that before I was anything else. I was more and plan to be again. Im starting to believe in a female mid-life crisis. Ive seen many couples who married young and after about 7 or 10 years, the wife starts thinking of all the fun she missed out on. And guess who is to blame. Not like I took advantage of a young girl, she was 19 but I was only 21. We wanted to get married, didn't have to (you never have to). But now she has a bunch of new friends and wants us to stay friends. At the very least I want to be friends. But I said "forever and unconditional love" and I will keep that vow so help me God.


M-34
W-31
2 S,11&11
1 D, 6
T 13 YEARS
M 12 YEARS
ILYBINILWY OCT. 2009
We are too close. All we see are smears of paint. The Lord sees the masterpiece He is painting.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 167
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Joined: Mar 2010
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You do have to decide: what s more important? My dignity and pride or my marriage? Im not saying I am not a proud man. But I pput it on the back burner to what is truly important. She has decided we are done. Me getting bitter and resentful won't fix that. Its a very hard decision and only you can decide it. your spouse already has made their decision, you have to give them a better option. Just my opinion, I could be, and often am, wrong.


M-34
W-31
2 S,11&11
1 D, 6
T 13 YEARS
M 12 YEARS
ILYBINILWY OCT. 2009
We are too close. All we see are smears of paint. The Lord sees the masterpiece He is painting.
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 53
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Let me tell you about unconditional love. That is what you get from a dog or maybe from your parents, but not from W. This was an argument we had several times. To her that means she is taken for granted. The love is always conditional and I know it hurts to hear that because you think like me but the facts are the facts.


Me 39
W 37
S 5 D 2.75
Married 12 years
Together 14 years
Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 53
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Joined: Oct 2010
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As for staying friends, if you know you can control your emotions, good for you. I know I can't be friends with her when I am still attracted to her and she is with OM.
Anger and resentment builds up inside you and you are no even aware of it. That is not good for anyone. So no, I won't pretend that I want to be friends because deep inside I know I don't want to.


Me 39
W 37
S 5 D 2.75
Married 12 years
Together 14 years
Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 167
R
Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 167
I understand your view on unconditional love. I'm not receiving it either. Im also not showing it. But I do have it. I vowed to. I didnt vow to her, I vowed to God. No one else has the power to release me from that vow. She has told me to, several times. I took my wife for granted. I did a lot of things wrong. A lot. But this one vow Im not giving up. It's my vow to keep or ask God to release me from.
As far as your emotions go, I told you thats your decision to make. I made mine. I spent close to year making that decision. I am a very proud man. I am proud of where I came from, my accomplishments, my abilities and my choice in Faith. But those things won't save my marriage. I cant make you decide one way or the other. As far as controlling my emotions, it just looks like I have a handle on them. But when I'm talking to her, I keep a damn tight leash on them. All I want to say is "I love you. Stop doing this. Why do you think this is the only way?" But I spent a lot of time saying that, and all i got was anger, sadness and tears. I refuse to live like that. If you want to do it you can. I never said it would be easy. Hell, I named this thread what I did because it is truly the Hardest thing I've done. I just started a new job in a new to me field, requiring math I havent thought of since college, and its super easy by comparison. But it will be worth it. Because it will be Amazing. She has said there is no hope, no chance. Against my God, I like those odds. There is nothing He can't do, and this will make a Glorious testament to His greatness. Make no mistake, I'm not this strong. I would have given up months ago. But knowing what I know, we'll make it. I pray you make the right decision, for you. I dont know what that is, but I know who does.


M-34
W-31
2 S,11&11
1 D, 6
T 13 YEARS
M 12 YEARS
ILYBINILWY OCT. 2009
We are too close. All we see are smears of paint. The Lord sees the masterpiece He is painting.
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 53
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Joined: Oct 2010
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Thanks Roy. She is not here now. She has been in Idaho with the kids for almost two weeks now (Sunday) and I miss all of them so much I cried all day, but I only called her once. They do Halloween in Idaho today for some reason and she sent me pictures of the kids in their costumes. So I guess we can be friends but it is definitely easier when I don't have to see her walking around here in her bathrobe.


Me 39
W 37
S 5 D 2.75
Married 12 years
Together 14 years
Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 167
R
Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 167
I've been there. I miss my family so dearly. I'd start crying for no damn reason, it seemed like. I still miss them. I miss my wife. No one can ever know me like she does. You know whats funny? The things I miss the most are the little things; having coffee together on a quiet morning, snuggling together watching an old movie, sitting together at the park watching our kids play. Yeah, thats the good stuff. I know she misses those things too. She just needs time to realize it.
As Red Green says, "Remember, I'm pullin for ya. We're all in this together."


M-34
W-31
2 S,11&11
1 D, 6
T 13 YEARS
M 12 YEARS
ILYBINILWY OCT. 2009
We are too close. All we see are smears of paint. The Lord sees the masterpiece He is painting.
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 53
B
Member
Offline
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 53
I hope this does not sound gross to anyone but I used to pick the black heads out of her back, while we were watching tv (always what she wanted to watch). Now I have a map in my head of her entire back. I know where every mole, scar, bump and freckle is on her back and regardless of how hard I try I can't forget about it.
I used to massage her scalp too, and her feet. She never did those things to me but I did not care too much.


Me 39
W 37
S 5 D 2.75
Married 12 years
Together 14 years
Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
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