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Cyrena and Mr. Bond,

Thanks so much for your input. I think Cyrena is right though. My H's parents are divorced and are remarried to other people. This happened over 34 years ago. My H is the youngest of 4. He was always pushed around from parent to parent. The other 3 wanted to be with their mother and no where near their father even to this day.

Anyway, no matter what was going on my H would stop doing what he was doing or what we had plans to do to do whatever his step-mother and father wanted him to do and same goes with his mother and step-father.

A long story short, when H left his father's house at 18 and moved back in with his mother his father stopped talking to him. We got married years later and his mother pushed for it, I was the best thing that came around. I had a 4 year old S and was D'd. Then around 1 1/2 years later H wanted to adopt my S, and he heard his mother and sister talking about it and where throwing a fit! So needless to say he stopped talking to his mother after he told her off.

Then he makes up with his father, and they claimed to love me and the kids (we had our D13 by then) so much. So his depression hits, I didn't see it coming and he flips out and I have him removed and first place he went was to his father's. It was like it was all planned. I called pharmacy and H was 3 1/2 weeks behind on his refill for AD's so I told the step-mother this and she says prove it, blah blah blah. So I prove it, but she rules every thing and every one. Her own D34 says she has always been like that, so they take H in and take control of his life.

After 6 months they set him up in an apartment about 1 mile away from them and he lives there for 3 months and realizes (I think), that they really don't care about him because they weren't coming to see him or anything. So next he makes up with his mother and moves closer to her and now everyone is involved in our M.

D13 says his mother is just as bad if not worse with the way she treats H. She tells him what to do and when to do it. I just get a kick out of MLC'er's saying LBS's controlled them and all along it was someone else, in my case it was H's mother and step-mother and he's still letting this go on.

Like Cyrena said, I guess there is nothing I can do to make H see all of this, and he will have to find out on his own, if he ever comes out of it. I'm just praying that the AD's work and the fog starts to lift and H starts to see his way back to his family, not the family that raised him!


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What I don't get in my sitch is that Snodderly wrote about how MLC comes from the way they were treated as children. My H wasn't treated the best or even near the best by either is mother or father but ran to them when he hit MLC........that part confuses me because I know H and he would never sit down and tell either of his parents how he felt as a child or feels now. He is a man and is deathly afraid of his father.


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I think I might understand what's going on, Goodfight. Your H's needs were not met when he was a child. But he was too young and inexperienced to be able to address it. However, he was left with feelings of, "A real family would ... run to each other when they're in trouble," or whatever he might have told himself.

A MLC develops when a hurt person is unable to confront the truth about their past. In your H's case, actually recognizing, admitting and working through all the hurts done to him seems (to his depressed mind) like a terrifying process which would tear him to pieces.

So, instead, he tries to prove to himself that his family is actually perfect--look, I can go to them when I'm in trouble. They must love me, because they give me advice (or whatever his issues are). I understand how he feels, because after I'd escaped from the person who molested me as a child, I too tried to convince myself that he was a friend--I tried to remake the relationship with him to something that WAS appropriate.

In the end, however, I felt so much rage I had to acknowledge the original hurt, an then work through it. I hope that your H gets to the point where he is strong enough to stop pretending as well.

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Thanks Cyrena so much for explaining it to me. Also, thanks for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to tell people what you went through.

I hope you are right as far as my H getting to the point where he is strong enough to stop pretending also.

Do you think that my H is suffering from a MLC? I often wonder if it is a MLC or just a terrible depression because of his illness of being depressed many many years.

His step-mother I believe talked him into leaving (I only threw H out thinking it would be for a day or two) because he was up there 5 days before all of this happened.

Oh, and this friend that I'm talking about thinks that H will get fed up with both of the families telling him what to do and will tell them off once and for all.

Last edited by Goodfight; 09/22/10 05:46 PM.

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I don't know whether your H is in MLC or not--and it's probably not worth spending a lot of energy on it if you're not sure, because that's energy which you steal from your own life.

It seems to me that a MLC is just one form a depression can take. I guess I was depressed until I worked through my abuse, but did I have a form of MLC myself? I don't know. All I know is that things finally got bad enough that I had to change my ways of thinking, to save myself. I suspect all depressions have certain characteristics in common.

I hope your H will reach the point where he knows what boundaries he needs to establish with both families, and has the strength to do so. Also, out of curiosity, have you managed to keep your children from being sucked into the unhealthy dynamic your H has with his family?

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cyrena,
I just wanted to say I enjoy your posts so very much. Wise, sensitive, well written... Thanks
K

Sorry for the hijack


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I hope that my H will also reach that point too, but from what I have seen in the past with him before we separated, I honestly don't know what will happen. I've seen him strong (tell his mother off about the terrible comments she made about him adopting my S19), but then I've seen him weak. Especially with his father. I never in my life saw a grown man afraid like H is of their father.

I would say that to him (before all of this happened) and he would say it's called respect and I would say respect is one thing but to be that afraid of a parent at our ages is not right.

I sure hope that I have managed to keep my kids from H's family's unhealthy ways. H has not seen S19 except for one time for 5 min. since the separation. They were fighting before H left a lot. That breaks my heart, by my S19 that has learning disabilities said to me a couple of times "Mom, H is like a little boy in a grown man's body and he will realize one day and come home." D13 is a different story. She is very smart, so I tell her if H is drinking heavily and they aren't at his place then she is to call me and I will come get her. I told her not to pay attention to her grandmother or aunt and if they keep talking about her or upset her to call me right away and I will pick her up.

At first she wasn't going with H, but she said she misses him and wants to be with him so she puts up with his mother and sister. So the best I can do for her is tell her the truth about them (his family), which she already said she sees, and be there for her if they or H causes her any hurt. She was in IC and so was I and so was S19.

D13 and H were sooo close but now all he does with her is take her to his sister's or mother's and does nothing with her. And believe me, he has the money to do it. Where as I can't even make ends meet.


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Kalni--thank you! You were the first person I posted to, and you very graciously welcomed me to DB. I appreciate your kind words, and am happy to feel that I have been able to make some positive contributions to repay for all the help I received here. I'm glad your piecing is progressing, and am always impressed by your honesty and openness.

Upside--you're right: it's a sign of damage to retain a child's attitude toward a parent rather than viewing oneself as an independent adult as well. Some of my family insist that they must continue to respect the man who molested me throughout my childhood, so I know how frustrating such wrong-thinking is. But it is just another way of putting off coping with the fact that adults can act in selfish, destructive ways. Often it's because they blame themselves for not having prevented that destruction as children, and so hang onto the guilt rather than placing it where it belongs.

Wow, your son sounds very perceptive! And I think it's very healthy that your D is continuing some sort of relationship with your H, even if he can't give her enough attention right now. And at least, unlike your H, she has you as a parent who never stops showing how much she loves and values her. The counseling is so important.

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Need advice on this one. D13 said last night that she hasn't heard from H for 1 1/2 weeks. He was calling her every day. She thinks that he loves his S17 and S15 more than her. She said that if they are not with him he will call them on Sunday and talk about football or whatever.

He gave them the bigger room in his apartment so if they stay over night there is enough room but they don't sleep there that often. H's sons are from a high school relationship. I don't know if I should text H and tell him that she feels left out or what to do. I know that he will not respond to my text but I also feel he should know that he is hurting her. She is afraid to express how she feels with H. Then she gets mad about it, and says, the phone rings both ways and that is what Daddy tells me. H got that from his controlling step-mother. She always said that the kids should be calling the parents not the other way around.

If you think I should contact H what do I say and how do I say it? Or do I just leave it alone.

Sorry for the hijack!


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Goodfight, this is just my experience but I have intervened where my kids are concerned. My H wasn't able to be the Dad he should have been for a long time but I knew underneath it all he really loved them and I knew both my kids were really hurting. I would text my H something like, " D seems to be a little down lately and I think she's really missing you. Perhaps you could give her a call. Up to you but think it would help her." I wouldn't mention it again after that. My H has also complained that he has to chase the kids cos they don't call him. He has complained to me about that. I explain it to him that the kids want him to prove his love by chasing them for a bit. Good luck!

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