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Goodfight,

I second everything Truegritter has written!

If you're interested, Google an article titled Seratonin: From Bliss to Despair, by a Dr. Carver. It outlines the chemical changes, leading to behavioral changes, which occur during a depression. The article helped me to understand why it was useless to try to read anything in my H's MLC behaviour, so that I could detach.

Remember when your kids were tiny, and all you could dream about was having a little kid-free time to yourself? Right now, you've got some of that time. The people who emerge the strongest after their partners' MLCs are those who actually use the alone time it gives them to the fullest.

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L-E-T GOOOOO!

You have zero control over what happens with the MLCer. You need to make your own plans with friends and family who will boost your spirits. Heck...why not take up a belly-dancing class just for the fun of it! smirk

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I would love to take a belly dancing class. He11, I'd like to take a lot of things but my husband has left me with all the bills. So, living in a small town with limited resources, just for the fun of it is going to have to be home grown. No, not THAT home grown. Although now might be the time to take it up.

126 pounds and holding! Don't need the munchies.

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heartsblessing posted this on my thread but I thought there was a lot of good information here so I wanted to share it on this thread.

Originally Posted By: heartsblessing

To answer the question you had about "how long does this take?"
This is MY answer:

As each person is different, each crisis is different. What one will do another won't do; and it takes TIME for each person to come through, depending upon the issues of each individual.

Looks to me, from what I'm reading currently, he wants to start over again with you, Upside.
Before, if I recall this correctly, this declaration had come through his counselor; now, he's saying it directly to you...and that's something different; plus the way it should be.

It takes a great deal of courage and strength for the MLC'er to come forward; and confess they want to make a new start with the LBS.

And even then they are STILL afraid, and extremely nervous; much like the "squirrel" Lance speaks of.

There is a real fear within them, fear that they won't meet your expectations, or even become the man they know you would want; the one who would meet your needs.

I dealt with my husband, as he was afraid and nervous....he did cycle back and forth within the tunnel as he was trying to come out, and not long before he came out, he finally asked within himself and got the answers that were within him all along.

If you really think about it, it would have been much easier for him to find someone else who had not suffered all the damage the LBS has suffered; so I've got to admire your husband for wanting to start over with you.

It takes more strength to come forward like this, than it does to walk away; and he could have done that, Upside; considering all that's happened between you.

Yes, I've read your thread, and caught up with it, AFTER I read the thread you'd started about the stages from Withdrawal to Acceptance.

When you gave up and moved forward with your life, this simple action seems to have brought him forward TOWARD you.

This is yet another possibility that can happen; as you let go, moving forward with your life, the MLC'er sees you moving forward without them, and they run to catch up...you are, in essence, leaving them behind.

Granted it doesn't work in all cases, but allowing for human nature, most of the time it does.

Now, the decision lays within your hands; it's up to you, it has always been up to you; you can stop this anytime you want to, it's YOUR life, and no one else's.

Anytime you decide to take a chance, it's always scary. But, nothing ventured, nothing gained, and there is always hope as long as you love your husband.

The damage he's done is something he will have to face within himself; if he hasn't already faced some of it, and in time, as the two of you continue to move forward together, he will need to talk to you about what has happened to him.

It was very hard for me when my husband wanted to try again with me, and as each day passed, it seemed that this would never end, but it did.

Different things came out at different times, and he beat himself up terribly....I listened to his pity parties quite often, validating his feelings; right or wrong, he had a right to what and how he felt. I supported him in the best way I could by just being there, and sometimes, he still would pull away at times...but I KNEW it was HIM, and not me.

No one can tell you what to do or how to do it; your intuition will guide you, if you allow it to, and I do NOT have any real time frames on how long it takes for them to come totally though.

From the time my husband broke and recommitted, it was 8 months before he exited the tunnel, and he still tried my patience sorely many times before then.

The issues they face are ongoing; some are faced before they recommit, some are faced as they move forward toward the end of the tunnel.

They may talk about it, they may not; and they may talk bits and pieces...and you may NEVER hear it all.

But-- as long as they settle their issues, and make the positive changes that allow them to become what God meant for them to be, that's really all that matters.

You must reach acceptance, forgiveness and healing for yourself; your husband cannot help you with that; you must do this on your own, just as he must finish on his own.

It's a long, hard road, when you're rebuilding a shattered marriage, but it can done. I know, I was there, right along with my husband; the possibilities were endless, and it seemed, at times, a daunting task for both.

And it took some time to rebuild trust; and I found, as time went on, the love between us strengthened, and became a different, stronger kind of love; one that would last our whole lives through.

During that time, I was called upon to bridge the gap between us, and it wasn't easy; as he processed his issues, I had to dig even deeper for patience, even as I often wondered if we'd be in there, forever.

But, we weren't.

When your eyes have been opened to the growing process, you don't stop growing after the MLC, you continue to learn and evolve and mature even more as you grow older; and your spouse does the same, right along with you.

Time is something you have at this point; continue to use it wisely; one step at a time, one day at a time.

Above all, trust in God to help you through, as, really, He knows more about the future than any of us could ever hope to know.

So, you keep letting go, letting your husband take the lead, don't get discouraged, and don't give up.

Best keep what you have, as you know him..it was termed to me as "better the devil you know, than the one you don't", as starting over with someone else can be fraught with problems...each person has their baggage they carry with them into relationships; it's something to think about, when you consider ending your marriage for whatever reason.

I was there, too, and had to really look hard at what I was doing before I decided to keep what I had.

No, I'm not "back"....I was here searching out some of my older posts earlier, and this post caught my eye....when I read it, I realized what was happening and figured you needed some more encouragement today.

When it comes right down to it, people can give all the advice in the world, but you are the one who has to live your life; no one can live it for you.

And you know your situation better than anyone else does; you're in it; others are not there with you, seeing what you see.

The decision to try again or not, is up to you, and no one else.

May God be with you and your husband, as you both begin to attempt the journey into unknown territory, Upside.

My prayers are with you, as they have always been.

Much love,
HB

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Cyrena,

Thanks for your help. I'm just like Punkin though. I have very limited resources. I'm already working one full time job and a part time one and still not making ends meet.

I would love to go out but don't have the funds to do so or I would join something.

Anyway, thanks to all that responded to me. My biggest problem is that I know for a fact his family does not know what H is going through, they haven't contacted me or the kids through this whole thing. They are also pushing him to file for D and don't want us to reconcile.

I found out through a friend of mine that H is afraid if he tries to work our M out the family will disown him and that is his biggest fear. He is afraid to try to work on our M, because if it doesn't work out he won't have anyone (me and kids or his family). My H has always been like that, he doesn't want to be alone at all.

This is what I'm afraid of in the end of his MLC if he is a MLC'er. H has suffered from depression off and on for the past 13yrs. So that's why I was thrilled when I heard he went to the Dr. and they told him he needed antidepressants and he actually got them. Thinking it was a sign that he was finally seeing his issues. But then like his sister and mother told him, he doesn't need counseling like the Dr. told him he has his family and he told them that's what he told the Dr.

I thought the MLC'er doesn't like to be controlled, but he lets his sister and mother control him. Has anyone ever heard of a family being in the middle like this instead of an OW?


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GAL activities do NOT have to cost money.
There are lots of things that you can do that are FREE.
Open your mind and look around and you can come up with dozens of things.
Check the library, community center, fire house, church, hospital, school, scouts or other civic groups.
You can go to town meetings, court, school athletic events, and I am sure I am leaving out lots of other things.

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The MLC'er doesn't want to be "controlled" by their LBS. The feeling of being "controlled" is only an excuse for them feeling unhappy. They feel that they don't have control over their feelings and need someone to blame. So when they look around, lo and behold, who is the closest one to them? The LBS. Don't pay any attention to that. In fact, call him out on it if he brings it up again. I did it to my W and magically the idea she was being "controlled" went away. They have to face the fact that THEY are responsible for their life choices. Not you or anyone else.

"I found out through a friend of mine that H is afraid if he tries to work our M out the family will disown him and that is his biggest fear."

Perfect example. He's being disowned anyway so why would working things out be any different? In fact they would probably be respect him more for showing an effort.

Don't let the "control" talks get you confused. You aren't controlling the sitch. He is.


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Mr Bond, I'm guessing you were dealing with a non-MLC spouse? I believe they use "control" as an excuse to get away with bad behaviour. With the MLCer, I found, the problem was that he had been controlled, abusively so, as a child. But until he was ready to face up to the fact his mother had treated him so unlovingly, it felt unconsciously "safer" to put the blame on me. But that didn't mean he didn't genuinely feel a trapped child's need to escape from control, just that he couldn't tell where that feeling was coming from.

Goodfight, if your H is ever going to come out of his MLC, he will first need to recognize that it's the control of his own family members which he resents. If he manages to take his life back for himself and firmly relegate them to an appropriate position for the FOO of an adult, only then will he be able to complete the task of growing up as an independent man.

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Cyrena, my W is deep in MLC. Mentioned the EXACT same "control" issues. In fact, it's a fact in both scientific and public publications that "control" is one of the mitigating reasons why MLC'ers accuse their LBS of. True there may be things that happened in their past that they was out of their "control". But that's just it.

It's the mature understanding that you can't control other people and that you can only control your own actions, is the thing that MLCers refuse to acknowledge.

Nobody goes into an A or does something that is truly against their will. In the end, it's a personal decision.

So say for example if your H treated him unlovingly. Then it's his responsibility to get that resolved. But for him to blame it on an LBS "controlling" him because his mom did...it's not taking personal responsibility. It's turning blame/shame/pain/etc. onto someone else. There is no excuse for that.

Look at all the people who have actually emerged from the fog of MLC. Once they looked at their own actions and how they had hurt others, they learned that they had control all along.


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Mr Bond, I totally agree that the MLCers need to learn, in the end, that they can control only their own actions.

When children are abused, the emotional, fight-or-flight part of their brains shuts down, and if they are too small to fight, they learn to "play dead" or give up control. Years later, when their brains slip into depression, they misfire when giving feedback on where the threats of control are coming from.

When my H came out of his MLC, he accepted that his mother had unfairly beaten him, and that I had not tried to control him. He was able to take personal responsibility for his EA, etc, because he was had come out from his depression and had matured. HOWEVER, as long as he was in "the tunnel" he was so confused and fogged out that no matter what anyone said to him, he could not see the truth. He literally could not see anything except from his own distorted reality. That's why I'm so surprised that you told your wife you weren't controlling her, and she immediately believed you.

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