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What a sad story--it sure sounds like a good basis for a MLC. Was there a trigger for the beginning of his crisis?

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Originally Posted By: Cyrena
Until he accepted that he was not responsible for his mother's beatings, he felt a guilt that "overlaid" the guilt he felt towards me. He described a strong internal feeling of pushing me away ... so obviously there was going to be something missing in his attempts to connect with me.

Cyrena, I don't quite understand what you wrote above. Would you please clarify?

I always felt that XH projected anger toward me that he really felt for his (alcoholic) mother. Wondering if what you wrote about guilt above might apply in this situation.

When my XH left he said that he felt "trapped" and that he was leaving because he thought he'd been happier when he lived alone before we met. This sounds like the "pushing away" that you refer to.

GAG

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Often when we get upset about issues as adults, we're being triggered by emotions we felt (but didn't know how to deal with) as children. For example, when I was a child I was molested by someone I loved and trusted. So, when my H (who had promised to love and cherish me) had a MLC and an OW, part of the misery and isolation I felt was actually caused by the abuse. Once I'd dealt with the abuse, and learned to distinguish what emotions were caused by the abuse and which by my H's betrayal, it was easier to feel empathy towards my H, and to stop feeling so isolated and GAL.

Similarly, my H had suppressed all his negative emotions towards his mother: guilt for "causing" his mother's rages, coupled with a desire to protect himself and fend her off. After he entered his MLC, if I got upset about something, he'd put up his hand as if to fend off blows from me: he'd started seeing me as the parental figure who he needed to fend off. At the same time, it was hard to separate the guilt for what he was doing to me from the guilt he felt towards his mother, because it caused such an overwhelming gut feeling of needing to escape. It was purely emotional, not logical.

It sounds to me as though your H's situation is quite similar. How did he speak about his mother when you first knew him? Was he able to express that anger, or did he act as though it had been no big deal, etc?

The pushing away does have to happen--they do need to get back to the place where they deal with their emotions on their own.

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Quote:
When my XH left he said that he felt "trapped" and that he was leaving because he thought he'd been happier when he lived alone before we met. This sounds like the "pushing away" that you refer to.
My H told me that he had never really lived on his own before and needed to have that experience. crazy I think he was 32 when he married his first wife! He certainly wasn't living with his parent until then.

My H seems to have multiple issues (some control, a little hypocondria, definite mortality, possible identity, etc...) going on but I'm not sure if they all stem from one source that appears he has never been able address. I wonder if he was able to some how deal with the underlying issue, then would his road blocks be gone and he could move forward? Can issues like this only be identified and worked through with C? It sounds to me the if someone continues to avoid the underlying issue, they will he remain stuck. Is this true?

I really have no idea what my H's underlying issue is. Childhood issues are always discussed here but as far as I know, my H had a fairly normal childhood...however he has acted very teenager-like during the crisis. My H's parents did divorce when he was around 19-20 but??? I can't help but feel there was some issue with my H's mother because he would always talk very fondly about his father but hardly mentioned his mom. I guess only he can figure it out.

It seemed like my H was gaining such clarity and coming toward me...now he hit a wall and ran away again. From what it appears, he is stuck in withdrawal and no nearer to acceptance. frown Oh well, on with my life.

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Originally Posted By: Upside
[ I wonder if he was able to some how deal with the underlying issue, then would his road blocks be gone and he could move forward? Can issues like this only be identified and worked through with C? It sounds to me the if someone continues to avoid the underlying issue, they will he remain stuck. Is this true?


It's my impression that a C is not absolutely necessary to the process, but that having one certainly speeds things up. I'd agree that anyone who continues to avoid the underlying issue will remain stuck.

On the positive side (if it is positive), the fact that he entered the tunnel at all is a sign that at some level your H knew he couldn't continue on as he was, but needed to make changes. From my own experience, the agonizing part is bringing yourself to the point where you can actually open your mind enough to look at the hurt with a view to putting it behind you. Once you've determined not to let it affect your current life any further, somehow it shrinks in significance.

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Originally Posted By: Cyrena
From my own experience, the agonizing part is bringing yourself to the point where you can actually open your mind enough to look at the hurt with a view to putting it behind you. Once you've determined not to let it affect your current life any further, somehow it shrinks in significance.
I'm sure that is a lot more difficult than it sounds. Just when I think I'm past it, it can rear it's ugly little head!

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Exactly, Upside! When I think how many months (years?) I was unable to look squarely at the concept of not being married to my H. Then one day I screwed up my courage, really thought about it, detail by detail, for several hours--and realized I'd be just fine. That's all there'd ever been to it, but the agony I'd been through getting to that point! I guess that's exactly where a C comes in handy, to take you to the places you don't want to go.

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Can anyone tell me how they go from being depressed to replay? Lance had told me he thinks my H is in replay. I've been going through this for 22 months now.

Just in March, my H was talking about dating again etc. then a few days later he texted me and said he didn't think it would be a good idea.

Other things happened......then all of a sudden in the middle of May he tells our D13 that he will read my texts but not respond. It was out of the blue.....I had NO idea why or anything.

Now he is taking ADs, getting involved with D13s school work etc. But all of this week has not contacted her at all. And he was talking to her every day just last week, and was with her last weekend.


M 41
H 35
D 12
S 18
Separated 11/08
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Goodfight,

The MLCer tends to go into a depression when some catastrophic event occurs. What HB and others have described, and I witnessed firsthand, is that first they are in a numb stage of denial, then they start lashing out in anger for almost a year, and next they reach the Replay stage your H is in. The Replay tends to last 2-3 years, so you can probably expect your H to be there some time longer, before he reaches the stages where he begins to work on his issues.

Try not to read anything into your H's contradictory actions. He is very confused at the moment, to the point that it is often difficult to function, or to remember what he's been saying. The best you can do, to weather this storm, is to take good care of yourself, and become the sort of person you most admire. And to show love to your children.

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Goodfight

Are you trying to watch through the oven door while your husband bakes?

You are trying to figure this stuff like it fits into some kind of linear formula.

I like what Snodderly said one time:

He's nuts plain and simple.

Seriously. You have been here long enough. Is it not going to plan?

I have been guilty of this too. And you know what someone told me?

Stop watching.

Stop waiting.

Live your life.

Just be.


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
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