3 years after successful DBing and miserable

[the girl]

Three years ago I was the DB champ. My situation was ugly, my H was barely willing to return. I worked my tail off to treat him like a king. He came back, we repaired. That was three years ago.

I am now in personal counseling regarding an extended period of near numbness towards my H. I have faked life for three lonely years trying to keep a selfish man home. I faked so many things in the hopes that I could recreate love and togetherness. While he certainly enjoyed my attention, he does not reciprocate. I feel immensely trapped, by my own behaviors.

It was, and is, his fault that our marriage is lonely and shallow. It was my fault for trying to create something that does not exist. As wonderful as DBing is to make you feel empowered, it can not change a spouse in the long run. At least, in my situation.

My H was and is who he has always been. I have always felt frustrated with our marriage; from day 1. I think he will never change and I will feel trapped for the rest of my life with him.

DBing made our home so comfortable for him, that now that I am being honest about my heart, he is calling me selfish and self centered. He wants life to go back to me DBing my ass off, faking my life. I probably would have continued, except that I started to notice that my heart was nearly unrecognizable. It was too hard to be honest with myself, and too easy to act the status quo.

I was terrified at the idea of divorce. Divorce is one of my biggest fears in life. It ruined my own childhood.

Now, it doesn't matter if I am terrified of it. I can't keep calling a horse a cow.

[MrBond]

So are you asking for an opinion? DBing isn't really about just faking it to get the spouse back, it's about making worthwhile changes in you for yourself.

After you two reconciled, I'm assuming that you had a list of changes that you wanted to see in him. If you didn't, then the changes you've made won't work because the situation hasn't changed.

Has he changed at all or do you have expectations? Be honest. Did the two of you attend C to work out the original problems?

[the girl]

Before his affair and attempt to leave our family, there were serious problems. When everything was falling apart, I decided to lay aside those problems and act like it was a new marriage. I am proud of the changes I made, but bitterly disappointed he hasn't. I have asked and explained, always feeling stupid for telling him my needs.

One time I wrote a long list of ways I wanted to be intimate with him. I was very specific and he would have been able to do any of them. He read it and set it aside; never did any of them. I felt so stupid, SO stupid. Months later I found the list in a drawer and burned it.

My usual default mode is shame over my feelings. I wish I did not have to expect or ask anything from him. If I increase my antidepressant dosage, I might be able to numb myself.
He would be totally happy if I did that. Then I could go back to pleasuring him and doing everything to make him comfortable.

He does not want to visit the problems. He says I just can't get over the past. I would like to, if we could have a dialogue about it. I would also like to get over the problems, but they just keep reoccuring.

I am also at a standstill because I have learned/accepted/realized that he has been using hardcore pornography our entire marriage. I hate porn, and believe it is evil. He is not really sorry, but thinks that he just needs to keep it hidden from me. He also says as long as we have frequent sex (at least twice a week), he won't be tempted.

I am the one at a standstill. He says I am selfish and that I need to put our family ahead of my happiness. He says I just can't accept him as he is. He is right.

I don't want to go to counseling with him because I think he needs to go alone for a while. I don't trust opening my heart to him. I am afraid to make any more DBing efforts, as I think my work might be in vain.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Twice a week sex is not frequent. It is considered average for a marriage or long term relationship.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Twice a week sex is not frequent. It is considered average for a marriage or long term relationship.

[the girl]

A new morning after a long talk.

I approached him last night, after three days of no talking at all. He announced that he was looking for another place to live.

Two thoughts flashed in my mind: here is my chance to get out of this AND no way am I ready to give up on my family.

I kept it cool, and so did he, and we talked. He is not moving out, and I feel a new wave of hope.

I told him that it is not right that we are so close to throwing in the towel. Fights can't include "Well, just move out then!".

One thing I feel I learned from this online community is that there is always hope because things always change. When they change, you use a different approach. Really, it is rare that you can say for sure "This is how it will always be".

Marriage is like a chess game. Just read all these posts. Even 3 years out of the misery of an affair, here I am trying to figure out what move to make.

So, I am still on the rollercoaster of marriage. God has put us together for a reason, and He somehow gives us grace to be together.

[DaddyLongShanks]

"The Girl",

Why can't both of you "win"? If you can do this, its not a chess-match.

[Keeter]

Once again, another story with an eerie similarity.

"The Girl" - you sound just like my XW. All that she went through, to try and save our M. She lost all dignity. Now, I am a LBS because I decided to open my eyes too late. I have spent months trying to put myself in her shoes, to know what she was going through. Putting herself last, her heart..on the backburner.

I pray that I may one day have the opportunity to thank her for that, and to give back. But now I have to focus on me and hope she is ready to listen one day..so I can look into her eyes and tell her how much I appreciate her.

Are you sure his threat to move out isn't a game? Seems like he likes Chess. WHy are you doing all the DBing? Why isn't he?

[soleil]

Fights can't include "Well, just move out then!".

Yeah that is a real problem. Threatening D and telling the other spouse to move out, and not visiting the problem are not the solution.

"The Girl" - you sound just like my XW. All that she went through, to try and save our M. She lost all dignity. Now, I am a LBS because I decided to open my eyes too late. I have spent months trying to put myself in her shoes, to know what she was going through. Putting herself last, her heart..on the backburner.

I pray that I may one day have the opportunity to thank her for that, and to give back. But now I have to focus on me and hope she is ready to listen one day..so I can look into her eyes and tell her how much I appreciate her.

That a really good realization you came to. I am sure she will be really happy to know that you feel that way... she will feel validated. Better late than never.

[frauvonfunf(FVF)]

oh (((girl))). I am so sorry. And I can relate to a LOT of your situation.

I am really concerned with the porn use. There is no place in a marriage for that, and to THREATEN/HINT that he will stray again....excuse me???? Totally inappropriate. I think he may have an addiction problem there. And yes, I am living thru that one myself.

We split several years ago, and at the time I did know a bit of the porn (just not to the severe extent) but in counseling was too embarrassed to bring it up and fearful of pissing him off leading him to go thru with the divorce. What a coward I was. So, I basically did what you have done, I faked it so I wouldn't lose my family. I spent the next several years that way....I knew nothing of DB at that time. Just trying everything to please him and make him happy so he wouldn't leave us again.

But living a lie will never be sustainable. The facade began to crack and all kinds of vomit came pouring out from both of us. I have found out what a BIG FAT LIE HE has been living. He's had a double life almost our entire marriage, filled with porn, strippers, prostitutes, affairs w/both genders, you name it he has done it. A lot of it he does not even know that I know about.

He is now trying to recover, but still expecting me to be the "good" wife I've been trying to be in the last year. I am having the trapped-by-my-own-actions feeling you describe & I am having great difficulty with it, because I need to do my own healing. But every thing is centered around him and his recovery. My own is my own problem, he has no room to support me through mine. I am expected to fully support him through his.

And you need to start healing yourself too. Focus on you now. Let him call you selfish...HE is the selfish one, especially if he cannot afford you the time and space to do that.

You say you are in counseling, but what about him? It sounds like he needs to seek out an addiction counselor to me. JMO.

prayers for you my dear. And strength...it is going to get worse before it gets better, and it changes from one extreme to the other every single day.

FVF