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Espr444 Offline OP
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Hey Guys,
Thanks for all the kind words of encouragement and advice from many... I'm going to post some of my threads again in hope to keep everyone in the loop and not confuse anyone. As I started to have too many threads I hope this helps!!

I'm just not sure what to do anymore and appreciate any advice or tips that anyone has to offer. I apologize as my first few threads they are a mess, but with time I think I have gotten better!!

Again thanks to everyone especially, Sandi, Puppy, and the list could go on you guys give me more hope even when I’m down. I can’t thank everyone enough.

Thanks talk soon Hope

First few threads!!

More threads

Some more of my story!!





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OK, now i PROMISED Hope that she'd get more RESPONSE if she posted it this way, so don't LET ME DOWN, guys . . . wink grin

Puppy

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Thanks I appreciate it a lot. Wish I could just push a few buttons to get my W back. Ha, ha thanks Puppy!!
Hope





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Well, Hope.
All I can tell you from my perspective is until you know where you stand in the terms of the D (i.e Sep Agreement) it will be hard for you to get comfortable and really GAL.

I had emotional issues bubble up and get all bent out of shape. Not in from of her but, since she knows me better than most, she could tell that I wasn't "happy". Not angry but just sort of neutral (see 'unattractive'-more of the same)

In order to really GAL, I now see that you pretty much NEED to be away from them. You both need the space to "breathe" and figure out 'who you are now'. Plus, rather than imagining that you'll be fine without them, you'll actually notice the earth hasn't come off it's axis. And THAT will show you AND HER that you can and have let go. Since you were doing most of the pursuing, you'll notice the change and so will she- because it's NOT there.

It's imprtant to note that deep down neither of you reallt enjoyed the marriage the way it should be. All of them are a little dysfunctional so the break from her can help you see what YOU weren't getting from it. And that's going to be important going into the next R- whether with her or not.

It's not riveting, sinus clearing stuff like Allen, or Gucci, or Rob, Sandi or my friend Puppy would give. But it's feet on the street; in the same bunker stuff.

I hope the perspective helps.

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Espr444 Offline OP
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Hey thanks CD Bear.

Yes I agree that we do need the time apart and it took me awhile but, I don’t want to peruse anymore it's just hard with the who affair thing that gets me going sometimes and believing the truth from her is hard, since she lied to me when I did confront her In JAN. (I would love to trust her, but as I know she has feelings for OM still I don’t know).

Also last time she stopped MC in Jan she cheated, wnted to make it easier for me. Started MC again after I busted Affair in Feb now she stopped going again!! Along with being in limbo about the separation agreement and D. I thought we were going to do Mediation because we don’t have too much. Now I think she is going to her lawyer. Don't know where we stand to be honest..

I do think in this short seperation apart it's helped me get back to some of the things I have lost sight of for myself such as my confidence and doing things I haven’t done for myself since before we were M.
Thanks Hope





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If she gets a lawyer, I would suggest you get one too.. You should also segregate your financials immediately in that case. Get her off of or cancel you joint credit cards. She may run them up otherwise. Always good to be safe and to protect yourself.

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Hope,
I posted on your other site,

I disagree with CD Bear. Some people may need to get away to Gal.. I didn't. In fact I think it is better to stay in your house.. If my W wanted to leave fine but I was not going anywhere. I did not cheat on her.

I kind of cringe (and I may have taken it wrong) when CD said "And THAT will show you AND HER that you can and have let go"

You don't need to show her anything. Believe me when YOU change she will notice. But you can't do it with the mind set to "Show her" you need to do it FOR YOU. You can't ACT as if... you need to BE as if.
Acting shows and does not last. Remember “Getting a life” does not mean going out with the boys so she will notice... It means going to play pool because YOU WANT TO. It means going on a hike BECAUSE YOU WANT TO...joining a gym BECAUSE YOU WANT TO... NOT because “she will notice”
It’s hard I know I have been there... I did the same things “so she will notice” and she noticed that I was doing things to try to impress he... not for me. And this made me look pretty pathetic in her eyes...
You can’t pursue buddy… you need to make yourself somebody that you would want to hang around. YOU need to gain control of what you can control...Be a leader you have no control over your wife and you cannot MAKE her change …. But something really strange happens when you truly change. She will also... without really knowing it
Don’t act happy around her be happy… you know what helped me? next time you see your wife….think back to a time or incident that was really fun or naughty that you and wife did. I guarantee you a smile will show up on your face... USE your memory for your “feelings bank” you can’t help but relive them good or bad. But leave the bad ones behind for now. Try it right now think of when you and your wife did that was really naughty …………….are you smiling?


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
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Dr Love-

I agree and we are on the same page.

I will not leave the house either.
GAL'ng isn't done to "show" anyone. She will "see" it would probably have been a better choice of words.

And I really liked your tip on remembering something naughty.

I have "the big talk" tomorrow after I exposed her affair so I'll need all the tricks I can to look "OK"

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Espr444 Offline OP
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Thanks for advice,
I do have one if needed, but it's expensive and we both agreed since we didn't have a lot. Just basically the house to settle and cause she makes more than me I would have to take spousal support from her till I finish my degree and get on my feet, and a few minor details to workout. (I hate it, but I helped her when she went to school, and now she wants a D too add to this mess) Oh well.

Even my lawyer said mediation would be the way to go for us. That was the first thing I did in Feb this year!! Thanks for advice Hope





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Thanks Dr. L,
I only left because she can afford the mortgage and unfortunately if the D goes through I have to take Spousal support until I finish my degree and get on my feet. (I hate it but what can I do.. I didn't want this). The other factor was that I didn't want my S to find a new place this is hard enough for him as it is.

I agree she has told me she has noticed changes in me, but these are things I want to do the Gym, hanging out with the guys. Something I didn’t do because I wanted to spend my days off with the family. I think the thing that I have found during this time was getting my confidence back and not feeling like a doormat anymore and finishing school; which I should have my degree by next year, and a job in Gov’t. Contracting.

The one thing the affair did was make me not hold my feelings inside anymore. I guess that was the only good thing sometimes it helps, but other times my emotions get to me.





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