Help--Can't See Past The Pain

[Long_Way_To_Go]

I’m new to all of this and could really use some support. My story: married to my husband for 12 years (together 5 years before that). Me: 36, Him: 37, no kids. He is my best friend, we enjoy spending time together and have always been able to talk through our problems (or so I thought).

Six weeks ago he told me that as he gets closer to 40 he has realized that he hasn’t been doing anything meaningful with his life, that he has not been able to pursue his dreams because he is married to me and that he feels like he can’t be himself with me. He has made some new, younger, adventurous friends that he says have given him the confidence to completely change his life and wants to walk away from our marriage.

Things have gone downhill each week since his initial revelation and I have found out he is having an emotional and physical relationship (he says they have not had sex) with a 22 year old girl who is visiting our town for the summer from Thailand. I have also found a three year plan that he has drawn up which involves filing for divorce, selling our house, traveling to Thailand and eventually living there.

I can see now that there were some serious underlying issues in our marriage that we never dealt with and am committed to working on them, but he says it’s too late and he only thinks of me as a friend, not a wife and doesn't love me anymore. As of right now, he is still living in our house. I know he is hiding things from me and while he is treating me cordially, has completely cut me off from his life.

At first I did all the wrong things of trying to get him to talk about our relationship, getting angry, crying, begging, professing my love for him. Now I am trying to follow the DB techniques, but am having a hard time since I am so blinded by the pain. One day I feel a bit of hope, the next I’m convinced the situation is hopeless. I do well at staying calm and upbeat for a few days, then the anger takes over and I say and do things I regret.

I am seeing a therapist and he has agreed to couples counseling. However we are approaching it from two directions—me: trying to find active solutions to our problems and to move forward in our marriage; him: trying to support me as a friend to make sure I’ll be OK alone.

My heart is breaking and the one person I always thought I could count is now a stranger to me.

Any advice, ideas or support would be appreciated.

[Kimmie Lee]

I Know how much you're hurting.

Take a deep breath and realize that there isn't a lot you can do right now except to detatch. Your h is in fantasyland, bigtime. And he won't be out anytime soon.

Read DR and seek out posters like Puppy, Robx, Coach, Gucci, amoung others.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

[Long_Way_To_Go]

Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this situation.

I know I have a long road ahead of me and some days it just seems so overwhelming. I have been detaching but it just seems to make it easier for him to go out and do whatever he wants and spend time with the OW without me interfering. Right now he has best of both worlds--a wife that is letting him do what he wants and a girlfriend on the side.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

LWTG,

sorry your here.

Right now he has best of both worlds--a wife that is letting him do what he wants

This needs to change immediately!.

YOu need to set boundaries. There is a thread here on that topic.
I suggest you read it throughly, twice, and set some for your own

If H knows you know about OW and you don't set boundaries he will continue to play and come home to you.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

trying to support me as a friend to make sure I’ll be OK alone.

I missed this on my last post.

You will be OK with or without him. The more you focus on "fixing" your M the more your pushing him away.

Things have gone downhill each week since his initial revelation and I have found out he is having an emotional and physical relationship (he says they have not had sex) with a 22 year old girl who is visiting our town for the summer from Thailand. I have also found a three year plan that he has drawn up which involves filing for divorce, selling our house, traveling to Thailand and eventually living there.

Also it sounds like a little MLC.

[Long_Way_To_Go]

Do you know the link to the setting boundaries post? I'd like to read it, because right now I am clueless as to how to proceed.

Yes, I definitely think a big part of this is a MLC.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

lwtg, here's the boundary thread from coach.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1918890&page=1

[Long_Way_To_Go]

Thank you. I took a look at the thread and posted there for some advice. It's hard to know which techniques would work best for my situation.

[Ready2Change]

Here is the boundaries template:

Remember: Fewer words = bigger impact.

When you lie to me. (describe spouses behavior.)

I feel disrespected. (or use what feeling best describes how you feel.)
(Don't use the word you, takes on the connotation you are blaming him, this is all about behavior.)

I want the lies to stop.

If you continue to lie to me

I will consider all my options, including D(take action).

In your case:

In person, while hold eye contact, in a calm voice:

When you are involved with another woman while still married to me, I feel disrespected. I want all contact to stop. If you continue to contact her or lie to me I will consider all my options, including D.

[VeronicaV]

Hello LWTG,

I am sorry for all that you are going through. I have been there and I understand. When I read your first post it struck me how similar your situation is to mine (or, what my situation was when I joined this amazing group of people).

My suggestion to you is that you focus your energy inward, toward yourself. Try to stop yourself from thinking about which techniques will work best or whether your actions or inaction will appear to your H to condone his decisions. The bottom line where your H is concerned is that he is an autonomous being who is going to do what he is going to do whether your actions make it easier for him or not.

Believe me, I know that my suggestion is not an easy one to follow. When I first found this place, all I wanted to hear was how to get my H (now XH) back home. It took some good people a bit of a while to get me to listen and focus my energy on myself.

I understand the urge to solve it all right now. I certainly felt that the more time that got away, the harder it would be to get XH back. What I learned, in time, was that by focusing my attention on myself, I had all the strength that I needed to get through all the pain and discover(re-discover) the person I really am and, ultimately, what I really wanted for myself in my situation.

Right now I suggest you take good care of yourself, try to find things that keep you busy but calm. For me, part of finding that sense of calm was learning to recognize the things that were within my control and the things that were not. I then began to find ways to concentrate on the things that were within it.

Also, though this may be very hard to believe, you will not always hurt like you do right now. Like so many people here, I was devastated by the pain and the sense of loss. It has been almost two years and I am stronger, happier and more myself than I have been in many years.

Be kind to yourself.

V.