Posts: 3 I am so glad I have found a forum who can understand what space I am in.I am 8 months post bomb drop and have been in NC for 6 months except for 2 texts. I am heart broken like most in the forum.In summary here is my story:
Been married for 22 years and together for 28.2D 19/14.
Probably lucky that I know what is causing my husbands crisis.Think he has been in crisis for about 3 years, starting with anger 07/08. I was diagnosed with depression 08 so was unable to be the emotional crutch my hubby was used to.
Internet Affair Jun08. Apr09 suspected an A only to be told no way.
In July 09 found txt's on husbands phone and he confessed to EA and PA.
I threw him out(BIG MISTAKE AFTER READING SOME POSTS) and he went straight to OW.He is still there today.He said on the night of discovery that he didnt know if he loved her but was not in love sHE GAVE HIM CONFIDENCE!! BRAVO !!He said he had no plan to leave us and we had had 28 great years but I would never trust him again. She hasnt worked day in her life, has 2 troublesome kids and is ugly to boot.I found out shortly after I put my husband out that he had dumped OW week previously cos he wanted to be with me and kids.
In April he had the opportunity to confess but was clearly cake eating.She actively pursued him I believe firstly befriending my father,finding out all she could(even came to where we lived to see house),then accusing my father of making sexual comments.I should point out my husband works in a gym.She was a customer who was in there every day 9-3pm.Didnt work out and had numerous affairs all with commited people.
She also dated my husbands colleague whilst having an affair with him!My hubby used to tell me how nasty she was and sad she had no life.Her husband was a cheater.When my husband move to a new gym she started to give one of his team a lift to work so she could have an excuse to see him.When his colleague asked what she was doing hanging aroun he said he couldnt gt rid of her!Not sure he tried hard.I know it takes 2.
Our 2 D'S have refused to see or speak to him. Xmas and b'day cards have been sent back to him.
You would have put a lottery win on my hubby not being a cheat had you known him.He is completely different man.When he left I told him I would not be messing with his head the way she had.He has started to rewrite history and has also gone NC with his friends and family.
The two txts I mentioned covered arrangements to get Xmas cards to girls and a txt three weeks ago asking for a divorce and in return he would sign all matrimonal assets to me.
He dropped our D'S birthday card at his dads and said could not face seeing us when his dad pushed him to bring card himself. Until this point he maintained he did not want to divorce.There has been nc since.
He has lost weight,gone much greyer and out running alot(he did this before but not to the point it helped him lose weight.His friends and colleagus says he does not look happy.He has not told his bosses at work that he is seperated, had an affair or living with someone else. He even walked past his D14 in the street when he was with her and claimed not to have seen her.I have fully grasped there is nothing I can do and have to leave him to his journey.My family are convinced he will return but I think he is far too weak and too much of a coward.He is clearly deep in replay but not sure about anything else.
In terms of the divorce I have decided he is the one who shall end the marriage and not me but have not responded to his txt. I am concerned that the nc policy is making it easier for him ie out of sight out of mind.This was a man who adored his girls and has not seen them for 6 months. I worry he now has the impression there is no way back.I have not begged, pleaded. I did early days try to mediate between him and the girls but realise this was a mistake and went NC.
Any views.
Thanks for listening
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
You said on my thread that exposure backfired on you. Tell us how you did it. It's tough with NC because he was forced out.
Does he have any knowledge at all that you are willing to work on the M still? He may be doing this out of desperation, thinking that there is no chance for him and you. Personally I would tell him that you are not going to sign any divorce papers - and it's hard, but can you have some contact? Remind him of what he lost at least.
Anyone else want to comment? In my mind, being around is so imperative so they can watch you GAL, do 180s, etc. That way they can see what they're missing. I bought the Penny Tupy book and I know it's against what she recommends, but in this case, I'm thinking she has to have some contact. If he's that depressed, it sounds like he just feels hopeless.
Limited contact has not helped my situation out, I can't do NC because we have a daughter and everyday I drop her off at school my wife is there, and we go to the same church, so we see each there as well.
I have tried to talking to her some, but not sure if it helps, but I think it is better than not talking.
Problem I have is she is worried things will go back to the way they were before she left and I have tried telling her I changed, but she has no way of seeing the changes I have made and also she thinks its an act, she left 1 year ago, so if I am acting, it has been a pretty good act for a year.
It seems to me that if you have Nc it just makes it easier for them to think you don't care and not think about getting back together and then when they get tired of being alone, they may start seeing someone else rather than trying to work it out with you.
Limited contact has not helped my situation out, I can't do NC because we have a daughter and everyday I drop her off at school my wife is there, and we go to the same church, so we see each there as well. I have tried to talking to her some, but not sure if it helps, but I think it is better than not talking.
Problem I have is she is worried things will go back to the way they were before she left and I have tried telling her I changed, but she has no way of seeing the changes I have made and also she thinks its an act, she left 1 year ago, so if I am acting, it has been a pretty good act for a year.
It seems to me that if you have Nc it just makes it easier for them to think you don't care and not think about getting back together and then when they get tired of being alone, they may start seeing someone else rather than trying to work it out with you.
Atom, how can you say that no- or limited-contact doesn't work, when you're not doing it as much as you could be?
I know it's counter-intuitive, folks, but this stuff WORKS. You HAVE to let them miss you!
Limited contact has not helped my situation out, I can't do NC because we have a daughter and everyday I drop her off at school my wife is there, and we go to the same church, so we see each there as well. I have tried to talking to her some, but not sure if it helps, but I think it is better than not talking.
Problem I have is she is worried things will go back to the way they were before she left and I have tried telling her I changed, but she has no way of seeing the changes I have made and also she thinks its an act, she left 1 year ago, so if I am acting, it has been a pretty good act for a year.
It seems to me that if you have Nc it just makes it easier for them to think you don't care and not think about getting back together and then when they get tired of being alone, they may start seeing someone else rather than trying to work it out with you.
Atom, how can you say that no- or limited-contact doesn't work, when you're not doing it as much as you could be?
I know it's counter-intuitive, folks, but this stuff WORKS. You HAVE to let them miss you!
Puppy
For months I went without talking to her about anything I absolutely didn't have to talk to her about,we have a 9 year old daughter together and when I drop her offf at school she is there, when i take her to chucrch, she is there.
I have tried to make my wife miss me, but it hasn't done anything to help, she lives with her sister and she is getting counseled by her and her father as well as others that divorce is the best thing to do, so any headway I make, gets shot down rather quickly.
..Does your husband know there is a 'safe' path home for him? Is there a safe path home for him?..
Saffie, what could/would a safe path home look like, for example ? I'm not sure I understand this...
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
