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#1895383 - 12/16/09 09:30 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: BeingMe]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Originally Posted By: BeingMe
I can identify with you, H'mama! I am still waiting for ... 'I don't know'. You are on your way to healing, and that brings good days, and bad.

Take care.
Thanks, BeingMe. I think if you figure out what you're waiting for, you can begin seeking it elsewhere--somewhere safe and healthy, of course. Once I was able to put words to this--"he just isn't capable of much compassion, of much support," it freed me to help myself rather than sit around full of despair. And it ended up being a dealbreaker in a way--becoming less emotionally dependent upon exH took the attention off him, and it had to be "all about him." Depending upon the issue, it may not be a dealbreaker for you, and you can hopefully just move on from expecting something from him that he can't give, and focus upon what he can.

As for good days and bad ones--yeah, it's true that there are more good days as time goes on, the bad ones don't linger, and while they may be just as deeply bad (as Thanksgiving was for me), you begin to recognize that feeling isn't permanent, but is inviting you to wisdom.


Edited by hoosiermama (12/16/09 09:32 AM)
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1895401 - 12/16/09 09:47 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: Puppy Dog Tails]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
My dear Hoozh,

That is as insightful and introspective of a post (or any other correspondence) as I have EVER seen from you, and you've communicated a lot since I've known you.

I'm exhausted at the moment, and can hardly keep my eyes open, but I will say that -- based on what you have shared about yourself and your marriage -- I don't think I can disagree with ANY of what you've written here. I think it "rings true," and it's a good thing that you're able to identify your role in your past relationship dysfunction.

You're a pretty amazing lady, Hoozhawhatsit. smile

Puppy

Awwwww, Pup! It's people like you who keep me going, literally. The funny thing is that none of these realizations is new for me, but this may be the first time I've written it all down together, and they continue to sink in to deeper levels and in a more cohesive way. I feel like I process and process and process and get lost in my head sometimes, and at times I've been so focused upon getting to that kernel of truth that will free me from self-destructive patterns that I push too hard. Unfortunately, these things take time and not just effort or will to accomplish! Thanks for the affirmation and support--always.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1895411 - 12/16/09 09:53 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: goldeylox]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Originally Posted By: goldeylox
Mama, that was one great post.
If it did nothing but help you reflect, it would have been enough. I suspect that your words are quite comforting to those who are grieving this holiday season.
I invited a newly divorced Dad over for dinner Christmas Eve, when he admitted he was going to be alone this year. Our kids are friends, and it's been a pretty awful year for the whole clan. Kids will be with Mom, and while I was friends with both, sometimes you just have to do the right thing.
So there's an extra place at Goldey's table, if you have nowhere else to go for Christmas.
Oh, and Mama, I'm having a virtual slumber party Saturday night on my thread, hope you can come by. Peace.
I hope it is helpful to someone else. It's not a pretty process (a friend once made an analogy to making sausage in your brain!) but hopefully it ends up pretty tasty!

Great thing, inviting a newly divorced dad to Christmas. Just remember to do it next year too--people remember to include you the first year, but the second year you tend to become invisible, and you're really still in the process of putting your life back together and still need the support of friends.

I'll definitely stop by the slumber party! Doing the Mom Taxi thing that evening, of course, but I'm sure I can drop in! Thanks for the invite.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1895428 - 12/16/09 10:02 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: bright_new_day]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Thanks, BND. I've long heard that phrase about teaching others how to treat us too, and even knew I was doing it while in the midst of it. I think the hard part is unlearning patterns and finding new alternatives to knee-jerk emotional reactions. At least it is for me.

There are such huge life lessons to be learned from going thru a divorce; unfortunately I had to learn them twice because I missed something the first time around. But it would be such a shame to waste all this pain and not come out wiser and better for it. Yes, I also wish we could have worked it out for the sake of my D13, but at this point I'm not sure I could ever have salvaged a real relationship from the levels of narcissism on his part and self-doubt on mine. We got involved too soon after my first divorce, when I was far too vulnerable to be in a position to expect much of anything. I did a lot of work, but I'm not sure I gave it time to mature in me.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1895511 - 12/16/09 11:10 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
bright_new_day Offline
Member

Registered: 09/17/06
Posts: 2791
Loc: VA
Quote:
But it would be such a shame to waste all this pain and not come out wiser and better for it. Yes, I also wish we could have worked it out for the sake of my D13, but at this point I'm not sure I could ever have salvaged a real relationship from the levels of narcissism on his part and self-doubt on mine. We got involved too soon after my first divorce, when I was far too vulnerable to be in a position to expect much of anything. I did a lot of work, but I'm not sure I gave it time to mature in me.


I doubt mine could have been salvaged either, but primarily because I don't think he will ever acknowledge his own issues. He chose to blame me for all the problems and find someone else who would validate him.

I worry about getting into another relationship and falling into the same pattern. I guess that is why I run whenever anyone comes too close. crazy
_________________________
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn

Suzy
M: 6/22/85; D: 1/31/08

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#1895515 - 12/16/09 11:12 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
bright_new_day Offline
Member

Registered: 09/17/06
Posts: 2791
Loc: VA
Quote:
I've long heard that phrase about teaching others how to treat us too, and even knew I was doing it while in the midst of it.


I had heard it, but it never made sense to me. I couldn't fathom that my reactions were allowing him to treat me the way he did. That by giving in and not addressing issues I was allowing him to become a bully. Ironically, when I started to stand up for myself in little bits, the marriage got worse because he couldn't deal with it.
_________________________
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn

Suzy
M: 6/22/85; D: 1/31/08

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#1895531 - 12/16/09 11:27 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: bright_new_day]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Originally Posted By: bright_new_day
Quote:
But it would be such a shame to waste all this pain and not come out wiser and better for it. Yes, I also wish we could have worked it out for the sake of my D13, but at this point I'm not sure I could ever have salvaged a real relationship from the levels of narcissism on his part and self-doubt on mine. We got involved too soon after my first divorce, when I was far too vulnerable to be in a position to expect much of anything. I did a lot of work, but I'm not sure I gave it time to mature in me.


I doubt mine could have been salvaged either, but primarily because I don't think he will ever acknowledge his own issues. He chose to blame me for all the problems and find someone else who would validate him.

I worry about getting into another relationship and falling into the same pattern. I guess that is why I run whenever anyone comes too close. crazy

Well, that's true. It takes 2 people to wreck a marriage, but it also takes 2 to put one back together. And if one person chooses to blame the other for all the problems and fails to look at their own contribution, it just won't work. I think that's why it has been so important to me to figure all this out so I could move forward and break out of these d*mn patterns. Ironically, xH continues to claim that 100%of the problems in the marriage were my fault. For now, it seems to be working for him, but I gotta believe it will collapse in the long run.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1895535 - 12/16/09 11:29 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: bright_new_day]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Quote:
Ironically, when I started to stand up for myself in little bits, the marriage got worse because he couldn't deal with it.

Ditto. Marriage, and any relationship really, is a system; change one thing in a system and it changes everything. That's what's behind the "do a 180" concept--all you can change is yourself, and ultimately if you change yourself you will bring about change in the marriage. Unfortunately, it won't always be a change you'll like.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1895589 - 12/16/09 12:18 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
bright_new_day Offline
Member

Registered: 09/17/06
Posts: 2791
Loc: VA
Quote:
It takes 2 people to wreck a marriage, but it also takes 2 to put one back together. And if one person chooses to blame the other for all the problems and fails to look at their own contribution, it just won't work.


I asked for several years to go to marriage counseling because I could see that things were going bad, but he always said I needed counseling because it was all my problems, he wouldn't go. Maybe if I had gone to counseling on my own things might have changed, but no use wondering now. And I doubt he will ever recognize his role in the failure. The only "apology" I ever got from him regarding the demise of our marriage was him writing that he was sorry that he wasn't strong enough to carry us through all of my problems. Sad but true, that is the only "fault" he has ever claimed
_________________________
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn

Suzy
M: 6/22/85; D: 1/31/08

Top
#1895601 - 12/16/09 12:24 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: bright_new_day]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2591
Loc: Indianapolis
Originally Posted By: bright_new_day
Quote:
It takes 2 people to wreck a marriage, but it also takes 2 to put one back together. And if one person chooses to blame the other for all the problems and fails to look at their own contribution, it just won't work.


I asked for several years to go to marriage counseling because I could see that things were going bad, but he always said I needed counseling because it was all my problems, he wouldn't go. Maybe if I had gone to counseling on my own things might have changed, but no use wondering now. And I doubt he will ever recognize his role in the failure. The only "apology" I ever got from him regarding the demise of our marriage was him writing that he was sorry that he wasn't strong enough to carry us through all of my problems. Sad but true, that is the only "fault" he has ever claimed
Sadly, that's not uncommon. I've heard it so much from so many people. Often phrased as "the only thing I did wrong is marrying you to begin with." I think a lot of it is defensiveness and justification, but those mechanisms only work so long because they're thinking errors.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
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