My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[Kalni]

HM,
how much money is that trip anyway? Was H going to pay HIS part? Can you pay it with CC and give his part as payment and then next month or the month after your part? I mean, I dont know how things are but we can think of a way? No?

A year brought so many changes for you. You must be VERY VERY proud of yourself.
xxx
K

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, K. The trip is ~$800, which includes hotels, bus, meals, entertainment, a big sailboat trip on Lake Michigan...the bad part, however, is that I still owe ~$500 choir tuition for the year. Last year xH covered it all, and never told me that he intended to cover none of it this year or I'd have applied for a scholarship. And tuition must be current before they can tour.

I wish I could charge some of it--but I have no credit. The divorce and subsequent financial problems completely wiped out 30+ years of excellent credit. So I don't have that as a safety net. I have tried to brainstorm all the ways I know how, and I just can't find a way, especially with the new job paying monthly--so I have no paycheck in May at all. I'll be fine in June--but it's too late. xH is going to contact the choir financial person (wow--just a little bit late there, hun?) to see if he can work something out. I think he believed I was holding out and may now really get it that I'm this strapped, so he may tap his resources. Keeping my fingers crossed and tossing prayers to St. Jude!

Aside from that, yes--lots of growth in a year in spite of the adversity. I don't know that I'm proud of myself as much as I'm grateful for the grace to work through all I had to work thru and come out with positives. Thanks.

[hoosiermama]

And I think I have decided how I'm going to respond to xH's pastor's patronizing little note.

Since he seems to find adultery a rather ambiguous thing, I'm going to disambiguify it for him, and spell out the consequences it's had for D14 and I over the past 2 years. In very practical terms. Just so he knows adultery is not some theoretical, philosophical little conundrum as he appears to think, but a real evil that devastates the lives of those left behind. I never want him to pussyfoot his way thru anyone's life again, because people count on him as a shepherd. That's what ordination does--and he's falling far short.

[whatisis]

Or you could just let it go and move on. You are assuming that he chose to act as he has out of ignorance of the facts. I think this is a conscious decision on how he will shephard his flock and you don't agree with it. So be it, but I'd just move on personally. I can't imagine anything is to be gained by continuing this with him except more frustration for you.

[hoosiermama]

You have a point. I just hate the thought of him sitting smugly at his desk thinking, "whew, I defused that one. it's all good." and then repeating this kind of thing in the future with someone else. no, I can't control that, but he's thinking he's a good guy, and he's really a cowardly weasel and I think he should get called on it--and clearly, nobody's doing that.

[whatisis]

Here goes:
Dear Pastor Cowardly Weasel,
You may be thinking "whew, I defused that one. It's all good" Well I'm here to tell you that you are not the "good guy" in all this. Because of your lack of spine and leadership my family has suffered the following: (fill in the blank). I hope you now realize what a destructive influence you have been on myself and my family. May you fry in Hell.
God bless.
Hoosiermama.

You may want to edit it a bit.
Or you may want to pray for guidance as to how to approach this situation in a manner that will be constructive, not vindictive and could possibly make a difference. I don't see spewing anger, if that is your plan or attempting to inflict hurt on someone you feel has betrayed you is the route to go. Forgiveness is a bitch, but we're told that's the way to go. Darn that bible anyway! Those are just some thoughts for you to ponder in regards to this sitch. I hope you can come up with something that is appropriate if you choose to take action. Take care.

[hoosiermama]

lol!! that's not exactly what I had planned to say!!

see, I was fine keeping my distance from the guy, but when he chose to answer my request for no further emails, and answer it with such a condescending, self-congratulatory, patronizing note, he took it to another level. If he had, even once, checked in over the past 2 years on either me or my daughter--just to see if we were keeping body and soul together--I might feel differently. And my intent isn't to blame him for my woes. It's to point out that adultery isn't just a benign embarassment that should be covered over and given the benefit of the doubt, but has real effects on those who get discarded, by illustrating what we've lived with as a result of the decisions of this man he's allowed to take public leadership positions in the parish. Not spewing anger, not inflicting hurt, but enlightening him on the reality of the situation. Then, armed with the facts, he can decide how he might respond to future similar situations in a way that doesn't excuse the harm being done.

[whatisis]

I can see it might be constructive to say what you would have liked from him, what might have made a difference to you and your D e.g. checking on us once in a while etc. I think often Pastors get so busy with the illnesses, deaths etc that those who aren't demanding their attention can get left at the wayside. I also think they often leave contact up to the person because one person can be overjoyed at being contacted while another may feel they are being intruded on. Either way,it'a tough job and I wouldn't want to do it! I know there have been times when I've sat and cried and carried on for two hours and my Pastor has sat there, listened and been quite empathetic yet he never comes up to me to say "Hey, just wondering how you're doing with that sitch we discussed" But, I also know that the guy is there for everybody day or night and works seven days a week (not that he should). I don't know anything about your Pastor but he may have some great qualities in other ways but if you feel you could be of help by passing on what would have helped you, then go for it! That can't hurt a bit.

[hoosiermama]

that's a good point; I think I would have addressed that as "what I would have done as a pastoral minister" sort of thing--because I have been one. He's not my pastor--he's xH's, in a different denomination, but because xH entered the priesthood process while we were still married, the pastor and the discernment committees made it very clear that even tho I was not actually a member that they were there for my support as well. And he made it clear 2 years ago when I asked him to talk to xH (in the first week after he left, and right after I discovered the emails confirming the affair) that because of the awkwardness of the situation, he would not be talking to me about it again. But--since he chose to make contact now, and it was apparently only to assuage his own discomfort, I figured this is an opportunity to engage the situation.

[hoosiermama]

ps--and it's not like he "didn't take sides" in this. by discarding D14 and myself and supporting xH's movement toward priesthood, taking a leadership role in the congregation and being active in leading liturgies, he DID behave as if xH had the right to shuck off a family that no longer suited his needs.