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#1985134 - 04/18/10 09:56 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: v1olin]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2589
Loc: Indianapolis
Originally Posted By: v1olin
^ this sounds familiar.
yeah, I bet it does. far more common, and across denominational lines, than anyone would suspect.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

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#1985152 - 04/18/10 10:22 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
figgeroni Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 877
I am not saying what your pastor did is what I would have done. That being said, you also don't know what your XH was telling him. Perhaps he fed lies to your pastor and your pastor wasn't sure who to believe

while the truth always seems so obvious to us, to outsiders it is not so as our Xs are master manipulators and don't often admit to being the schmeels they really are

perhaps this pastor was trying to remain nuetral and the fact that you wanted him to take your side made it difficult for him to reach out to you????

again...not saying he was right and I probably would have kicked him in the ass without even hearing his side, which may be why I am not a pastoral minister!!! grin

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#1985162 - 04/18/10 10:42 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
poet Offline
Member

Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 1118
"...pastor was far more appalled that I read xH's private email and shared it with him than he was at the adultery, and agreed to meet with me one time only."

See! This is what I mean about your "pastor" Hoos. I mean to tell ya, you may want to "reconsider" about this guy and LOOK FOR SOMEONE OTHER THAN HIM TO TURN TO FOR SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP. AND FAST!

The reason I say this is because my OWN experience is similar to yours - in the beginning! I supplied emails to my priest too. Only my emails were of H's indescretions with prostitutes etc., etc. Don't really know what yours were, but to me, it doesn't really matter. MY priest, was consoling with me and said I should divorce him -- not really sure how this goes along with the teachings of the Catholic Church, of which I'm a part of, but I've struggled with it now for two years.

Anyway, my point being ... my priest/in fact BOTH of them, side with me in WAY my direction. (It is possible that they do because they are not in contact with stbx). But, one of them was in the beginning and he still sees stbx as the culprit who is "not normal." That's yet another story.

But see my point? Try looking for another confidant in the church, maybe even another church of the same denomination near you. I travel 30 miles just to see my priest. When I went to mediation on Thursday, I texted him and told him where I was. He texted back, saying all is well (meaning God is taking care of it). Not a lot of support but CERTAINLY more than yours, girlfried.

We're with you dear. Stay strong. Stay clear in your faith and you're loved here.

peace,
poet


Edited by poet (04/18/10 10:42 PM)

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#1985180 - 04/18/10 11:13 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: poet]
Gardener Offline
Member

Registered: 06/01/09
Posts: 3831
Loc: Connecticut
hm, I gotta say I agree with poet 100% on the strength of this alone
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
...pastor was far more appalled that I read xH's private email and shared it with him than he was at the adultery, and agreed to meet with me one time only.
Originally Posted By: poet
LOOK FOR SOMEONE OTHER THAN HIM TO TURN TO FOR SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP. AND FAST!
This, too.

Though I do realize that Church/pastor/spiritual decisions are extremely personal - intimate, even - and, therefore you ultimately must listen to no one and nothing but your own heart.
_________________________
Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac



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#1985198 - 04/18/10 11:28 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: Gardener]
whatisis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/25/05
Posts: 7832
Loc: Canada
I would love to see where in the bible your husband comes up with his excuse for infidelity!
I know someone whose husband told her he was leaving because "God has big plans for me and they don't include you". The human mind is an amazing thing!!!
_________________________
Divorced February 27, 2012.

Hope is not about moving mountains but about moving loose rocks one at a time ~ Fredrike Bannink

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#1985203 - 04/18/10 11:34 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: Gardener]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2589
Loc: Indianapolis
believe me, guys, I would not turn to this guy for spiritual support--or any other kind. two years ago I asked this guy for help, and he essentially declined--yeah, no doubt xH had his own version of the story to tell. this time around, I didn't seek him out. I keep getting invitations to youth ministry events for D14, and I finally got irritable enough to reply to them that I had no intention of sending her to anything at that church because of the way they had thrown us to the wolves while supporting xH in his adultery. then he replied to me, as noted. and his note was just as appalling as how he handled things 2 years ago, and I think deserves a reply. but as for spiritual leadership or support--heck no.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1985204 - 04/18/10 11:36 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: whatisis]
hoosiermama Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2589
Loc: Indianapolis
Originally Posted By: whatisis
I would love to see where in the bible your husband comes up with his excuse for infidelity!
I know someone whose husband told her he was leaving because "God has big plans for me and they don't include you". The human mind is an amazing thing!!!
I think he believes he's far above anything as quaint and archaic as the Bible or the commandments. it's all about self-actualization and, as he called it, "living into his truth." religion was all about the externals for him anyway, very little grasp of the relational aspect of faith.
_________________________
M54
H47
D14
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09

Top
#1985284 - 04/19/10 03:22 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: hoosiermama]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
Well, I think this pastor was "protesting way too much". Way long email to give you a "reason" for his lack of support. I am glad you are not a member of this church. As for the bible, one can read many things into it, but I recall from class that Paul expected sinners to be ostracized from the community until they had repented. Sometimes, I wonder if church leaders nowadays are soft on "sin" in case they lose people. Maybe, if they expect more from their congregation, they will be surprised at how it will grow, in my humble opinion. Jesus did hang with sinners, but he didn't just sit around chatting about the weather, he was preaching repentance and baptism.

Well, I can debate these things forever, since I just finished a class on Critical Bible Study : New Testament. It was fascinating, eye-opening, and more difficult than I ever could've imagined. It was a scholarly course, with no spirituality involved, except that my belief system increased, rather than decreased. Surprising!
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#1985384 - 04/19/10 10:13 AM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: BeingMe]
whatisis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/25/05
Posts: 7832
Loc: Canada
Kick ass and take names, eh Being Me grin
Presently, I'm reading a book by John Ortberg entitled Faith & Doubt and in it he quotes Frederick Buechner, "Thus many an atheist is a believer without knowing it,just as many a believer is an atheist without knowing it. You can sincerely believe there is no God and live as though there is. You can sincerely believe there is a God and live as though there isn't. So it goes." Ortberg also cites the Apostles Creed wondering what it would look like if we actually recited it in the way we live it:
I believe that a lie is a bad thing, but it might be necessary for me to avoid pain. ("A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble."
I believe that it pays to be nicest to people who are wealthy, attractive, smart, athletic, successful, or important.
I believe that I have the right to pass judgment on others.
I believe that I have the right to gossip about people.
I believe that I had better be looking out for number one.
I believe that things have not gone as well for me as they should, so I deserve a little treat: another doughnut, another drink, another pill, another fantasy...
I believe that thirty thousand children dying of preventable diseases every day in our world are not worth risking my affluence for.
He writes "All of these convictions lie deep within me, and you can see that I believe them if you look at the way I live"

Just thought I'd share! smile
_________________________
Divorced February 27, 2012.

Hope is not about moving mountains but about moving loose rocks one at a time ~ Fredrike Bannink

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#1985619 - 04/19/10 02:06 PM Re: My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations) [Re: whatisis]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
LOL grin I have to read that book some time, Wii. But, I don't advocate "kick ass" so much, because Paul also says that "if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness." (Galatians 6:1) So, while, I would not expect our spiritual leaders, such as Hmama's ex-pastor, to ostracize her XH (although, according to Paul, it is an option), it would be incumbent upon him to "restore him". How that looks? I dunno, but I don't think standing back and doing nothing is it (except pray, which I am sure is part of it). And then to withhold assistance/friendship/fellowship to the one's who have been injured just blows me away. As a friend, he shouldn't take sides, but as a pastor, he should take the side of the injured, the one who did not sin within the marriage, not blatantly cut her off, and then allowing the process of the adulterer gaining priesthood.

Anyway, Hmama, you are doing awesome now, no thanks to that pastor. It goes to show you that if your XH could be a leader in a church, then I just wonder at how the process works (the wolf guarding the chickens kinda thing).

Take care.
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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